*
If you’re not a Bachelor fan, scroll to the bottom of this post for a mini Shopping with Sheaffer!
*
And in other NON BACHELOR related news, I want everybody to know about a cool feature on the blog that I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked about.
Click HERE to see it.
Scroll through the pics of me, and if you see one you like, you just click on it to get all of the details!
It’s super user friendly and a great way to see my outfits at a glance and streamline your shopping.
I love this feature, and I hope you do too!
(If you ever want to get here on your own, just click “Shop My Instagrams” on my toolbar up top!)
Okay.
BACHELOR TIME.
Episode 4 kicks off with Harrison back in the driver’s seat where he belongs.
He explains that Prince Farming’s 3 sisters get to decide who goes on the 1:1 date with him this week.
WHAT?
HIS SISTERS ARE HERE! WooHoooooooooooooo!
Because you know what they say:
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Sister Who Feels like her Brother Picked an Idiot for a Wife.
Okay, maybe people don’t say that.
But they totally should.
The group card date arrives.
Here’s who is going:
Megan, Kaitlyn, #crazyeyes, #genieinabottle, Juellia, Samantha (WHO?), 5th grade Mackenzie, and Kelsey.
The date card says “Let’s do what feels natural…“.
Some speculate that means they should go without make-up, and #genieinabottle dies a little inside. But she brushes off the suggestion, glues on her eyelashes, paints on a bright red lip, and pops in her weave.
No, I’m not kidding.
They hop into some vintage cars, and Chris’s car has Selena sitting shotgun and a 1950s housewife in the backseat? (It’s hard to tell in this picture, but Kelsey is wearing a scarf around her head and looks like she is fresh out of the beauty shop.)
Selena #genieinabottle says that a guy driving is one of the sexiest things he can do.
Huh?
And then she hops out of the car like this.
DOUBLE HUH?
#springbreak1995
The wind up at a lake, strip down to their bikinis, and hop in.
And then #genieinabottle and Kaitlin decide to one up everybody by shedding parts of their swimsuits before jumping in.
#CLASSY
Our 1950’s housewife is NOT amused.
Then they play Red Rover, because Mackenzie is on the date and DUH…5th grade recess.
which means she is HINEY UP.
All 3 of the sisters are DARLING and stylish..
But I am DYING over this sister’s chic blue jumpsuit and FABULOUS green earrings.
And if you notice in the picture above, she’s got on the Stella and Dot renegade bracelet. (Remember from last Friday’s post that you can find a knock-off HERE for less than 1/2 the price!)
All of the girls parade through like it’s the interview portion of the Miss America contest, but sadly, there’s nothing much to talk about here. Again, except for the earrings, because OMG.
Jade gets picked for the 1:1 by the sisters, and I feel that Britt’s reaction to Jade getting picked is pretty representative of America’s reaction.
I mean, Jade’s fine, but I’m not really sure what made her stand out to the sisters?!?
The date card says they are going to go to a royal ball.
AND OH MY WORD ARE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS ARE JELLY.
Back to the group date.
Kelsey continues to be LESS THAN IMPRESSED.
“This is absurd….I’m from Michigan….this is a dingy pond….my face is getting skinnier because I spend so much time fake smiling…..I’m trying to pretend like a enjoy this hell hole….there are moments when I want to take a fork a stab it in my eye.”
Doesn’t she sound lovely?
Those are all direct quotes by the way.
#lakesnob
Well, never fear, after her monologue, karma strikes.
And she gets stung by a bee. On her upper inner thigh.
But I’m less concerned about the bee sting than I am about the Yeti.
(And let’s not even act for a second like there wasn’t an ABC intern with a jar full of bees releasing them in Kelsey’s general direction after they doused her in honey-scented body spray.)
It’s time for everybody to put together the tents, and we have another sighting.
First a yeti, and now a howler monkey.
(Just fyi, Mackenzie had just made a joke about putting the stick in the hole. Because FIFTH GRADE.)
#shecracksherselfup
Kelsey’s fake laugh is LOUD AND PROUD and my ears are starting to bleed.
And then, THANK HEAVENS, things start getting crazy thanks to#crazyeyes.
First she starts this little jig and chanting tateetateetateetata.
Um, okay.
Then she pulls Prince Farming off for some alone time, she starts in with the crazy talk,
and I find myself so confused by everything. She mumbles 1/2 of what she says, and the other half of the time I’m not even sure she’s speaking English.
But as confused as I am, I can assure you this, Chris is more confused.
Kaitlin gets the rose.
Everybody heads to their tents and goes to bed.
But #genieinabottle sneaks in his tent with the intent of telling him that she’s a virgin.
#i’mnotsureifyou’veheard
She also wants him to know that SHE’S NOT JUST HOOK UP MATERIAL.
And how does she do that?
Well she mumbles something about being different, AND THEN HOOKS UP WITH HIM.
UM.
I’m not sure he got the message.
#understandablyconfused
Here’s a tip to all of you young girls reading out there.
If you want a guy to think you’re NOT a hook up girl….try NOT hooking up with him.
The campers arrive back at the house and they are told that Jade gets to dress up like a princess and go on a 1:1 date to a ball.
And #genieinabottle just about LOSES HER MIND.
ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS BE A DISNEY PRINCESS PEOPLE.
SHE WAS MADE FOR THIS.
A team of people arrive to promote Disney’s newest movie transform Jade into a princess. #genieinabottle almost spontaneously combusts at least 5 times.
AND GET THIS.
Jade gets to keep the Louboutin heels and the Neil Lane diamond earrings.
Do you hear that?
That’s #genieinabottle’s soul screaming.
Prince Farming is awaiting Jade’s arrival at the ball, and he passes the time by waltzing by himself.
It might have been the most awkward 20 seconds on t.v. that I’ve ever seen.
But it was also kind of precious.
Jade is super sweet, super shy, and I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but I heard that she posed for Playboy? And you know what else I heard?
#fullfrontal
For the record, Kelsey is up in arms about the whole thing.
They ate dinner and the entire date was just ho-hum.
But no worries, while back at the house, #genieinabottle threw on a princess dress and munched on an ear of corn.
I have absolutely no idea.
Back to the ball.
There was a symphony, and they danced, and the clock struck 12:00 and they made her run down the stairs. Otherwise known as CHEESEFEST.
And I have to admit, I prayed Jade down those stairs in her Louboutin’s.
And it’s just about now that I look at the clock and realize I have AN HOUR LEFT.
Oh no.
I’m not sure if I have the stamina for this.
The next group date card arrives.
Let’s Get Dirty.
Here’s who is going:
Nikki (WHO?), Jillian, Whitney, My Name is Carly It’s Nice To Meet You, Britt, Becca
There are 6 white boxes on the front porch filled with the most awful wedding dresses you’ve ever laid eyes on. They throw on the dresses, hop on a private jet, and arrive at a muddy obstacle course.
And Jillian knows she has this one in the bag.
She does some stretches, kisses her biceps, and then DOMINATES.
The other girls are TOAST.
Check her out.
Jillian wins the race (duh), and she and Chris have their 1:1 date.
Jillian is talking NON STOP about every type of fitness competition she’s ever been in.
And Chris is listening.
And listening.
And then listening some more.
He says she’s talking too fast for him to process it, he talks about how her words are “flowing over his head”, and he lets us know that he started to think about “unicorns and dancing fairies”.
And I start to wonder if he got into #crazyeye’s stash of pills.
Jillian then suggests a rousing came of “Would You Rather?”
But her “would you rather?” scenario would make a stripper blush, so I’m not going to write it here.
Needless to say.
NO ROSE.
My mind immediately goes to Britt. Who is going to spoon Britt on the couch now?
Now they’re back at the mansion for the cocktail party.
And Prince Farming assures everybody that he sent Jillian home because he’s ready to find a wife.
#youdon’tsay
#genieinabottle isn’t so sure she fully drove the I’M A VIRGIN point home, because I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but she is in fact a virgin.
So she pulls him aside to tell him. AGAIN. That’s she’s a virgin. But this time she doesn’t speak in code and straight up says “I’m a virgin.” She also says, “But don’t worry, because it’s not something I’m super serious about.”
Awesome.
And…I would like to make an official announcement right here…
from henceforth, #genieinabottle will now be referred to as #virgininabottle
Britt took Chris aside and asked him why the heck he is validating behavior such as sex talk and stripping at the lake by handing out roses to girls who have participated in these types of shenanigans. As a girl, you gotta respect Britt for asking the question. YOU GO BRITT!
However, as a person who has watched the Bachelor in previous seasons, I’ve gotta say, this is a CLASSIC mistake that girls sometimes make.
And all of a sudden Britt became THAT GIRL.
And y’all.
Chris lost the ability to speak.
He was stumbling all over his words and making no sense.
And I tell ya, I wanted Dancing Chris back from last week.
Because this stammering and offended Chris? Not attractive.
He started talking in broken sentences, was obviously TICKED OFF, and then just stood up and left.
Whoa.
Who gets the roses?
Whitney
My name is Carly, It’s Nice To Meet You
Megan
Samantha (AGAIN! WHO?)
Mackenzie (For realz???)
Kelsey
Becca
#virgininabottle
Britt
Who gets sent home?
#crazyeyes
Juellia
and some girl who I still don’t know her name
During her exit interview, #crazyeyes says “I feel nothing. I have no feelings.
I’m not worried about me.”
Well, maybe you’re not.
But therapists all over America ARE in fact worried.
And you can bet that the Bachelor therapist is waiting for her in that limo with some mood stabilizers. I’m also quite sure they’ve already confiscated her nail file and all other sharp objects out of her bag.
#bettersafethansorry
That’s all for The Bachelor this week.
Now before you go, as I promised earlier, there’s a mini Shopping With Sheaffer today!
I ran through Nordstrom the other day, tried on several things that I liked, but there weren’t enough items to make an entire post…..so on to the end of the Bachelor recap they go!
Now, the lace work is see-through at certain parts, so you would definitely have to wear a cami under it, but I feel like it’s a great transition piece for spring!
Click HERE. It’s only $38!
For size reference, I’m wearing an x-small and I felt like it was plenty roomy.
(I like it a little more fitted than it looks on the model on the Nordstrom site.
I’m guessing she sized up.)
And THIS Lush floral blouse is so pretty!
And for $38, you simply can’t beat the price.
I’m not wearing a cami in this picture, but it needs a cami for both the sheerness and the fact that it’s pretty low-cut. I thought it looked great with jeans, but it’s dressy enough to be paired with a pair of slacks or a pencil skirt for office wear.
Click HERE.
For size reference, I’m wearing a small.
If you want to see all of the Lush blouses available, click HERE! Lots to choose from!
I know I’m starting to feature some spring items, but I’m fully aware that it’s still cold as all get out in many places. So I thought there were lots of you that would want to know about THIS cardigan coat.
I thought this cardi was greatness.
It’s very cozy, and I loved the styling of it! The big collar is so fun!
Click HERE.
For size reference, I was wearing a small.
Okay, back to spring. For a nice and lightweight spring staple, check out THIS scarf.
It’s black with little white hearts. Very sweet! It also comes in a mint green with black hearts.
It’s difficult to tell in my photo below, but it has fringe on it. And it’s an infinity scarf!
And I’m not sure THIS long and flowy tunic tank is me, but I know it’s going to be interesting to many of you. And I’m pretty sure Andrea is already clicking “purchase”.
It’s QUITE long in back, but I think it would be a great layering piece. Not necessarily under a military jacket, but you get the idea.
Click HERE.
For size reference, I was wearing a small.
Click HERE for all Chloe K tunics.
These pics include the prices of all items above, just click what you are interested in!
And if you normally just come here for the Bachelor, you might want to check out Monday’s post HERE because I have a new pair of coral boyfriend jeans and a pair of grey “snakeskin” slip on sneakers that I’m crazy about!
We’re half-way through the week girls! We can do this!
xoxo,
Sheaffer 🙂
p.s.
If you’re interested in my Get Healthy journey (a.k.a. weight loss journey…let’s just be honest), click HERE to see my Week 1 update. Week 2 will be up on Friday and I will report back with what I’ve eaten, what I’ve done to keep active, and how much I’ve lost.
p.p.s.
Know this, I have to fight off the constant urge to cook up and eat a vat of queso.
Megan says
Great recap! and I love the floral top! so cute….
Liz says
Do you wear socks or liners with the shoes?
Mix and Match Mama says
I'm in love with the striped top and scarf! That's totally me!
Mary Jensen says
Love the striped blue tee! Do you have a link for this?
Sheaffer says
Hi Mary! I'm having trouble finding it, but I know it's not sold out! Check back later today!!!!!
Narci says
That floral lush top is darling! So sweet and happy!! 🙂
Anonymous says
Hilarious recap. #springbreak95 she so totally was! I may or may not have been an offender of that look in 1995! Thanks for the weekly laugh! Btw, love the Jean jacket… Praying they restock small or medium. Have a great rest of the week! ?
Andrea Towne says
My friend has been calling virgininabottle- kardashley. I love it. Lol
Sarah Kuykendall says
Ever since the show ended on Monday night, I've been dying to read your Bachelor recap. I loved it! My favorite line of the night: "Her mouth isn't a virgin!".
Rachel says
i don't actually watch the bachelor when it airs but i LOVE your recap posts!!! they are so informative that i can actually talk with people who do watch the show haha! you are hilarious : ) look forward to the recap every week!
Charming Lucy says
I know I have told you before that I have never seen that show. I have a teen daughter here and I don't want her to even see these ridiculous women vying for one man. BUT – I read your recaps like it is my job. You make me laugh out loud – and not many people can do that!! Seriously – the Yeti!! Hilarious! Thanks for the fun !! I love it! Oh and I ordered the two for one sweater, those shoes, and the military jacket. Please dont tell my hubby;) Susan
Anonymous says
FYI-You would need to bleach your eyeballs if you saw Jade's pics in Playboy. I do not suggest searching for them on the internet. . .
Angela Jennings says
Your recount of the episode was spot on! I also love the hooded sweatshirt, I might venture out to the snow and get one.
Anonymous says
Loved your Bachelor recap as usual! How about when fifth grader Kelsey was on the couch trying to console virgininabottle that everything would be okay with her and Chris, and Becca (I think that's her name) said she was a virgin too?! Virgininabottle looked a little astonished because her 'specialness' was quite so special anymore! I thought it was awesome that Brit called out Chris for giving a rose to Kaitlin after she behaved like a stripper on the lake date. Unfortunately, that means she probably won't be around that much longer. Chris says he wants the girl next door, but he's awfully quick to give a rose to a girl who is willing to take off her clothing that quickly, and in front of other people. I don't know about everyone else, but I have not been impressed at all with the dates (group or individual) so far this season. Are the Bachelor producers running out of ideas??
Erin Stinson says
I love your bachelor recaps. Thanks for including them in all your fashion related posts. I've been reading your blog since Sean was on the Bachelor and I found Shay and she directed me to your blog. I've been a faithful reader of both of yalls ever since. I'm also excited about your get healthy posts as well. I, too, fight the urge to drown myself in queso, or any other cheese for that matter. Two years ago, I lost 100 lbs and for the last six months of last year I was able to maintain my goal weight…then the holidays hit and I went to too many parties, ate too much good food, and now I'm up about 10 lbs. I know in my head I can easily get 10 lbs off, since I was previously able to lose 100, but man it almost seems harder now because it's a smaller number. I'm seeing small results when I'm used to seeing big results. It's really all a mental and emotional issue. My point is, I'm thankful to read about your journey and it helps to know that most every woman out there struggles with body image. I applaud your willingness to be so transparent and know there are many of your readers who appreciate it. Thank you!
Rebecca Jo says
I can't tell you how much I love reading your recaps of the show… when I see things on TV, I think, Oh yeah, that's going to be in the recap 🙂
live compassionately says
Yeti and howler monkey – you had me dying again! Hilarious!
Anonymous says
Okay, I read Reality Steve's bachelor spoilers and yes, Jade did do full frontal nude photos and a video for Playboy. I agree with the above poster, you will need to bleach your eyeballs after seeing them.
Anonymous says
Probably your funniest post ever!
Courtney {Alkeks Abroad} says
This episode was wayyy too long. I bought a similar hoodie (I think it was the same brand) but it was a solid tan with the detailing at the bottom. I have literally worn it three times in the past week. Most comfortable thing ever.
Sarah O says
I love your Bachelor recaps! This season is so ridiculous and I'm not sure if I really like any of the girls, or Chris for that matter, but the show is so entertaining. I look forward to this post each week. Keep them coming.
Lisa M says
Love your recaps! i haven't watched bachelor since Seans season but i had to this season just to follow along your recaps! hilarious!
Your Yeti, is one of the producers, and if you're not following him on instagram, you need to, he's hilarious! @TheyearofElan
And i was reading a recap from Jillian (ex-bachelorette) and she mentioned that the skinny dipping or stripping was part of truth or dare that they were playing, but didn't show during the episode. (Not that i would strip down in front of 6 other women or the man i'm interested in, but makes a bit more sense to why they were just taking off their suits)
Anonymous says
Have you caught on yet that "My name is Carly, it's nice to meet you" is the cutie-pie singing sister of Zack Waddell's, from Des' season. You noted her at his hometown date and said she should be on the show! Maybe you've already mentioned this, and I'm late to the party.
-Brenden
Because Shanna Said So says
Love your wit and sass…and of course your commentary! You are a hoot! And bring on SPRING…I think it's come early for us Texans….that floral top is perfect for the weather!
Jenny says
This kids were napping upstairs and I was on the couch cracking up!!! Thanks for that nice mental health vacation 🙂
Alison Thomson says
Sheaffer,
I'm a huge fan! Crushing on you as always! We definitely need to address the " sister's chic blue jumpsuit and FABULOUS green earrings." Hello! Love! The search is on and I'll pass along anything I might find to create this yumminess outfit! Holla! I will address the earrings FIRST then tackle the jumpsuit SECOND because let's be honest, THOSE earrings are the bombdiggidy! Cheers!
Ali from Oregon
Christina M. says
Oh my goodness!! This recap had me laughing out loud! Too funny!
Jean Claire Monroe says
The yeti. The monkey. The corn on the cob. I just can't! You are too funny, Sheaffer!
Mary San Juan says
I have that Chloe K tunic!! LOOOOOVE it! It was part of my favorite OOTD last week! 😀
Katie {The Mishaps & Mayhem of a Solitary Life} says
Ok so I never watch The Bachelor in real time and have only been reading your reviews this season. BUT since there really was nothing on, I watched! I should have read…I loved Chris when he was on the Bachelorette. But I kind of hate him here. And I'm not a fan of any these girls. Sheaffer, your recaps are all I need!! LOL Great Nordstrom picks too! Since I'm on a shopping ban, I'm putting a few of these on my Wish List….
Carol says
Show all the spring pieces you want. Please. Lots of them. It gives hope to those of us trying to ignore all the snow out our windows.
Chic Coastal Living says
Great recap! I agree with Britt about that craziness that happened at the lake.
Lacey Salmon says
What is the deal with their outfit choices this season?!? I feel like we are at an all time low. I love the recaps!! I've been sharing in my bachelor FB group so you have some new followers!!
Sheaffer says
Thank you Lacey!!!! Very sweet of you, and I appreciate you sharing the blog so much!
xoxo,
Sheaffer 🙂
Anonymous says
I Would be willing to bet everything I own #genieinabottle is NOT a virgin. The pic above of Kelsey laughing, it is written all over Chris' face, he can't deal with that laugh for ever and ever! I am really fearful that one of those crazy girls are going to come around the corner and hit him over the head with a frying pan, especially when they are interviewing him and playing that dramatic, creepy music! Love your blog and recaps! 🙂
Elaine Welte says
I die, die, die, die. This is by far the funniest episode recap ever! I'm not even sure if you meant it to be funny, but I think it's my favorite yet! I literally just finished watching it, and now I'm wondering why I just didn't read your post first.
Kelly @ Familiar Joy says
Hahahaha! OMGoodness, I love you! I don't even know you, but I love you! On point, girlfriend! =)
Katherine Madsen says
Loved your recap as always!!! You are so funny. I started reading your recap on my phone and then had to pause and I forgot about it… But then I was typing in pinterest.com to search for a ….QUESO recipe when it autocorrected me to your site where I finished the recap where you say you make your own queso??? Would you mind sharing the recipe? 🙂
MorganizewithMe says
You always crack me up with your take on things, your recaps are spot on!!!
Lindsay Truax says
I love your incredible recaps!! Both striped tops are so cute!
pinkandnavystripes.com
Emily Morris says
I read Reality Steve religiously. I will NOT write the fine details of you-know-what. Not everyone likes that. However I will say two things: 1. Jade totally did Playboy. And I'm not talking classy coquettish. Full-frontal raunch. And at this point Chris has no idea but will allegedly find out soon. 2. What we saw of #crazyeyes leaving was not the whole story. Allegedly she through a hissy fit, dog cussing Chris S, Chris H, and all the producers on her way out to finally deliver her "I feel nothing" ITM. #StayCrazy
Emily Morris says
Threw…not through. I was typing "through" wet eyes after laughing at your hilarious recap!
The Rohman Family says
If I didn't have 235 striped items in my closet already, I'd totally be after that striped hoodie!
Anonymous says
Nordstrom recently posted a plethora of BP. earrings for spring – most of them for $10 or less! As an avid wearer of the Kate Spade Small Square Studs, I appreciate not having to shell out $38 each time I get PTMT happy!
My friends and I affectionately call Ashley I (the #genie) Ashley Kardashian. Can we talk about her annoyance at Becca being a virgin as well? #stealinghervirginthunder
Anonymous says
Ok seriously, if I click on one more item link to Nordstrom that says "item does not ship to addresses outside the USA" I'm going to SCREAM! So we have a store here, but I can't purchase any of the items I actually want?! How super annoying. How about we get buyers that actually buy the same stuff for Nordstrom Canada as Nordstrom US. Or actually allow purchasing from Nordstrom online to Canada. Or do we need another Target fiasco?
Marty says
Have not been able to bring myself to watch the bachelor since Sean and Catherine. 🙂 But this update. I.AM.DYING.
"Hell Hath No Fury Like a Sister Who Feels like her Brother Picked an Idiot for a Wife." TRUTH, Sister.
Tamara Rodrigues says
"I'm less concerned about the bee sting than I am about the Yeti"#cryingwithlaughter
Jaren says
As always I cannot wait for the next recap!!! HI-LARI-OUS!
Paula says
This has got to be one one the worse Bachelor 's yet. The girls….ugh…
As of last night, we watch almost a week last, Jade moved up to my favorite until I read this. Curiosity killed the cat!! OH MY….Not like a sheet wrapped around me and use your imagination Jade. But, let's have anatomy class Jade. UGH….YUCK.
If this is how you sell the virginity clause, I am not buying the book. Come on…..DO YOU KNOW WHY NOBODY GUESSED IT? Hello? Trashy much?
I am hoping Becca turns out.
Thank you for making me laugh once again.
My husband is in town tonight, so I get to watch it early. Yay me!
I love the flow lacey shirt. So cute! And the floral top. I love your suggestions! My closet has improved greatly since reading your suggestions, along with Shay and Pinterest. 🙂
Suebee20 says
I was listening to Jenny McCarthy's radio show and she said "virgin in a bottle" used to baby sit for her. jenny said she showed up in those outfits to watch her son. She said lots of other things about her which made me blush.