When the previews showed some poor girl falling in the rose ceremony, my heart skipped a beat.
There’s not much I love more than seeing somebody fall.
I don’t know what comes over me, but I laugh EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don’t mean to….and I certainly don’t want to….but I just can’t help it.
Just ask my husband.
One time when we were first married he slipped in our entry way and literally flew straight up in the air and landed flat on his back.
Did I run to his aid? Um, no. Did I laugh? Yes. yes I did.
I’m not proud of this character quirk of mine, but tonight I’m going to own it.
We ended last week with Kimberly being kicked off and then coming back in to ask Chris for a 2nd chance. Let’s start out by recognizing the fact that this is being filmed in the daylight…which means we are already well into the next day.
Kimberly walks back in and begs to be kept around.
Let’s give the girl a pass because MY WORD she hasn’t slept in like 24 hours!
And she probably hasn’t eaten a carb in at least 2 weeks.
And not eating carbs will make a girl all sorts of weepy, emotional, and cray.
So I’m told.
She pleaded her case, AND CHRIS KEPT HER.
Now let’s all pray for a hedge of protection over Kimberly because I fear that the other girls might kill her in her sleep.
Chris and Harrison chat for a bit about the remaining girls, and then it cuts to a 1:1 interview with our Prince Farming.
And I have two words for the guy.
Seriously, Chris. Zip ‘er up.
The first group date card arrives and it says “Show me your country.”
They have a pool party and play chicken.
And I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever played chicken. I guess my mama raised me right.
Before we know it, we see the girls walking down the street in downtown L.A.
In their bikinis.
And I’m no expert in theology, but I’m almost positive this is the the 7th rung of Hell.
They round the corner, and there are a bevy of tractors (because I feel like a group of tractors should totally be called a bevy).
I’m sorry, but OH HELL NO.
I don’t think that I’ve ever cussed on this blog before…but I firmly believe this situation calls for it.
Put yourself in these girls shoes (or wedges, or cowboy boots, or combat boots, or gladiator sandals).
You’re in a bikini.
On the streets of downtown L.A.
AND OH YEAH, ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
And now you are expected to get on a tractor and ride it.
I can’t even imagine all the shaking and jiggling that would be going onif I was in
a bikini on said tractor.
Hell To The No.
When the girls got on the tractors and the music started up, I thought it was the Footoose soundtrack and I was filled with happiness and memories.
But as I listened more closely, it wasn’t. Womp womp.
It was some weird almost Footloose copy (probably because ABC didn’t want to pay for it but still wanted to give us some Footloose flavor.).
Now. Since we’ve mentioned Footloose, I feel like we need to pay proper respect before moving on. Because just the thought of Footloose has me all nostalgic…..
They cut from the tractor date to follow a couple of girls (Jillian and Megan) sneaking down to Chris’s house. You know, since this season has officially been declared the
“SEASON OF NO RULES”.
But I gotta tell you, I immediately find myself yearning for the structure and boundaries that a well-written rule gives.
Here’s the first rule of Episode 2 that I would like to implement.
Rule 1: All parts of your hiney should be covered at all times.
It’s straightforward and easy to follow, just like a rule should be.
And if you kept watching, you saw that their needs to be a quick addition:
Rule 1b: All front privates should also be properly covered.
It’s just a good rule of thumb really.
Anyhoo, Jillian and Megan break into Chris’s pad, and Megan puts on his helmet and runs her head into the brick wall and the fridge door just to test it out and make sure it’s working properly.
Because that’s totally normal.
Megan, I have a piece of advice for you: perhaps you should keep the helmet on.
Back to the tractor group date.
Mackenzie (the 21 year old mom) gets the 1:1 time from the tractor group date.
So Mackenzie and Chris are on their date, and she drops three bombshells:
1) She likes big noses (huh?), and she tells Chris he has a “very prominent” nose.
CHRIS. PUT THE ROSE DOWN.
2) She believes in aliens.
3) She says “I have a kid”.
CHRIS. FOR THE LOVE. PUT DOWN THE COTTON PICKIN’ ROSE and RUN.
Now let me be clear, he shouldn’t run because she has a kid…but he should run because of how she tells him she has a kid.
Because “I have a kid” was a direct quote.
Not “I have a son”, or “I have a little boy that has changed my life” or “I have a little man in my life that brings me so much joy.
Nope. “I have a kid.” She might as well have said “I have the pox.”
Chris then says he likes kids, which is good, because he appears to be dating one right now.
He gives the kid the rose.
And then the kid goes back to the house and proceeds to tell the girls how she made out with the farmer 5….no….6 times.
A 1:1 date card arrives at the house, and Megan gets it.
It says “Love is a Natural Wonder”.
And she plays stupid and acts like she doesn’t know it’s a date card.
I would like to go ahead and call bull corn on that.
They hop in a private plane and then in a helicopter and fly to the Grand Canyon.
They set up a picnic and Megan confides in Chris about her dad passing away just a short time ago.
And I find myself really worried about her being able to handle all this crazy because it is pretty clear that this girl is already head over heels. She’s head over heels for this guy who happens to still have around 20ish other girls that he’s dating.
Megan, I hope you don’t forget to guard and protect your heart.
The next date card arrives and it says “Till Death Do Us Part.”
And every single girl whose name is called gives out a fake scream of excitement (while simultaneously dying inside that they aren’t getting a 1:1).
All the girls get shoved into a limo together and they pull up at what appears to be a ghost town.
A zombie’s face flashes in the window, and I’m pretty sure at least 1 girl peed her pants.
So they find out that that they are going to shoot zombies with paint balls.
And #crazyeyes is psyched.
I think that maybe she’s done this before.
And I’m also thinking the zombies are the ones who should be afraid.
I’ve never wanted to play paintball with zombies,
But I promise you I would rather do this than ride a tractor in a bikini.
Here’s what we know FOR SURE after this date.
Maybe she is over-medicated?
Whichever scenario is true, the girl is whack.
She disappears for a minute and then comes back to the group of girls mumbling something about “the truth” and “boom”.
And all the other girls are like “come again?”.
She then goes off to see Chris…and if you thought we were all confused as viewers…you should have seen Chris’s face. She was like talking in morse code and broken English.
And just like that, now I’ve moved from being annoyed by her to
being legitimately concerned for her.
This scenario leads to rules 2 and 3.
Rule #2: Don’t do drugs.
Rule #3: Don’t mix prescription meds with alcohol.
I wanted to make sure we covered both recreational and prescription drugs, because drugs are clearly involved in this somehow.
Chris gets some 1:1 time with Kaitlyn.
She told him about how she lived in Germany for awhile with her last boyfriend, but there was no way she could live her whole life in Germany…I’m guessing an Iowa farm isn’t
high up on her list either. But Chris digs her.
Then he gets some 1:1 time with Britt.
And I’m officially on TEAM BRITT.
TEAM BRITT ALL DAY LONG AND TWICE ON SUNDAY.
Chris gives her a card that says “Free Kiss from Chris”, and then they mug down.
He gives the group date rose to Kailtyn.
Cut back to the house.
Jordan is D.R.U.N.K.
And I don’t mean just kind of drunk.
Please see the below picture where she is twerking upside down on a wall.
Girl is FULL BLOWN SOMEBODY TAKE AWAY HER DRINK AND GIVE HER A LOAF OF BREAD DRUNK.
Rule #4: Try your best to refrain from twerking on national t.v.
Again, just a good rule of thumb and what many people would think of as common sense.
Actually, let’s go ahead and just try to refrain from twerking period.
Rule #5: If you are unable to refrain from the twerking, perhaps you should put on a helmet to protect your brain from further injury, because the alcohol is already doing plenty of damage.
It’s time for the rose ceremony cocktail party.
And Ashley, the freelance journalist that we will henceforth refer to as #genieinabottle, talks about the fact she’s never had a boyfriend and is a virgin.
Part of me wants to call bull corn again.
And Mackenzie is super jealous because she thinks Prince Farming is going to be ALL OVER THAT.
Mackenzie then expresses her sadness that her dang kid has gotten in the way because he’s a “dead giveaway” (HER words, NOT mine) that she isn’t a virgin.
And we all collectively shook our heads in shame.
Okay, so #genieinabottle gets some alone time with Chris.
She shows him her belly button ring. And it’s a magic genie lamp.
And she tells him that he gets 3 wishes on her belly button ring throughout the course of the show.
He wishes for a kiss, and she makes him actually rub the belly button ring.
I felt all sorts of oogie watching the exchange.
And then they kiss, and she is aggressive as all get out.
If I could make the madness stop, I’d rub her lamp myself.
And now we see Jordan.
And sister is drunk again. Good choice Jordan. Just fight through the pain and have another drink.
Harrison comes in clinking his glass, and it’s time to hand out the roses!
And we all secretly hold our breaths until we get to see who bites it.
Who gets a rose?
OH MY GOSH.
This is when Jillian comes forward EVEN THOUGH HE CALLED JULIA…
and then she trips.
Actually, she doesn’t trip, she more throws on the brakes when she realizes that he didn’t call her name, and then she basically rolls an ankle.
I wanted to die for her.
Seriously, I think this is one of the fist times in my life I haven’t laughed at somebody falling.
Instead, I cringed.
I looked away and scrunched my shoulders up by my ears.
And then I kind of looked at the t.v. out of the corner of my left eye and was almost more shy about her laughing afterwards than I was about the name mix-up or the fall.
It was painful to watch.
Here’s the other girls’ reactions to Jillian’s fall.
And is it me, or does it look like the girl in the white dress might have somehow orchestrated the whole thing with some Jedi mind powers.
More roses get handed out:
Tracy. Again, who?
OH THANK GOD. Jillian got a rose!
Carly. (My name is Carly, it’s nice to meet you.)
Whitney. I like her whisper voice better than her normal voice. Good call Whitney.
Whoever the producer is that insisted that Chris keep #crazyeyes around for a bit deserves a raise.
Who didn’t get roses?
I see tequila shots in her not so distant future.
It’s her 2nd time in a row to not get a rose. Ouch. Seems like a sweet girl.
I was quietly willing one of the camera crew to go give her a bear hug and tell her that everything was going to be okay and that she shouldn’t find her worth in a man.
That’s it for the 2nd episode girls.
I dare say it was FANTASTIC.
If you’re a Bachelor fan and are just now finding my blog today, click HERE to see the recap of the Season Premier.
Now before you go, I have two more things for you!
And I know I told you girls that I ended up returning the first coat I bought and ordering THIS one for myself online. And on Monday I was really hoping when it arrived that I’d love it.
Imagine hearts circling my head.
THIS COAT IS ON SALE FOR $43.98!
Here I am in my new coat about 23 seconds after it arrived on my doorstep on Monday evening.
I was wearing a sweatshirt, UGGs, a hat, and zero make-up…..but look how DARLING the coat makes me look. The color is a vibrant navy blue (pics don’t do it justice), it has toggles, AND a faux fur hood! WHAT THE HECK IS NOT TO LOVE?
And I mean, let’s just be honest, this coat is magic.
Like I said before, I was wearing a hat and no make-up (and I hadn’t showered since the day before), but you wouldn’t have known any of that because of this coat. I’m telling you. DARLING.
For size reference, I got a medium.
SHOP MY PRE-SHOWER LOOK WITH THE COAT AND UGGs:
And here I am wearing it yesterday. After a shower. Because I’m hygienic like that.
SHOP THE POST-SHOWER LOOK WITH A RED TEE, A LEOPARD BELT, AND FRYE’S:
Also, I meant to include this poncho on Monday’s post, but I forgot.
And it has 28 5 STAR REVIEWS!
I really want a poncho, and I liked this one fine, but I didn’t love it.
I think I want mine to be more colorful.
Click HERE for the black and grey graphic poncho.
I’m wearing the MUST HAVE shirt HERE, the new MUST HAVE jeans HERE (click HERE for my post with a full review of the jeans!), the Ivanka Trump black boots (STILL ON SALE) HERE, earrings c/o Gorjana and Griffin at Nordstrom HERE, necklace c/o Gorgana and Griffin at Nordstrom HERE.
And here are some poncho options for you!
I’m really digging the bright and colorful one. Plus, I think I like that you pull the entire thing over your head. Seems like less to mess with.
All right girls, that’s all for today!
See you back here on Friday for a full post on Zella work out gear!
And let me just go ahead and put it out there that the fact that the Zella page says “Summer bodies are earned in the winter!” pretty much threw me into a full blown panic.
Onn Friday I’m going to be reviewing my new work out gear and talking about the GET HEALTHY plan that I’m about to embark on.
Pray for me.
OH WAIT! I’VE GOT 3 OTHER THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW!
These Northface fleeces are now 50% OFF, making them $27.49.
Chris got THIS from my parents for Christmas, and he loves it!
It’s very lightweight, but still warm! It comes in lots of colors and is a total steal at $27!
I can’t believe that they are still in stock, but click HERE for the Kate Spade silver glitter studs.
I was one of the lucky ones that got the multi-color, and I’ve worn them for 5 straight days in a row….which totally justifies me adding the silver to my closet too! 🙂