Sheaffer Told Me To

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The Bachelor Episode 5 Recap: Sponsored by New Mexico, not to be confused with just Regular Ol’ Mexico

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Be prepared.  Tonight’s show reaches all new lows, even by Bachelor standards.
Forget everything you know about geography and personal space, and let’s get started.

Harrison comes in and tells the girls they are going to Santa Fe.
And they are all sooooooo excited.  Scratch that.  They are all acting like they are so excited.
Because let’s be real, not a one of them is excited to go to New Mexico.
Except maybe Megan.
Because she’s excited that she finally gets to leave the country.
Um, no.
And she’s excited to see the ocean.
Um, double no.
And she can’t wait to wear a sombrero.
Oh my goodness Megan.
#arriba
#except,not

There are 11 girls left at this point, and I don’t know if you’ve heard, but #virgininabottle is IN FACT a virgin.  Still.

Carly gets the first 1:1.
The date card says “Carly, Let’s Come Together.”
And prepare yourself, because their date is with a “love and intimacy mentor”.
And she’s wearing feather earrings.
And I promise you that the feather earrings are not the low point of the date.

Okay.  Hold up.  We’re going to put the recap on the back burner for just a sec.
I got a facebook message from a reader on Monday (thank you Alexandra!) that had a screen shot of a previous recap of mine.  And let the record show, that I totally called My Name is Carly, It’s Nice to Meet You needing to be on the show.
Pair this with the fact that I also put Andi and Josh’s break-up out there 1 day before it happened, and I’m feeling more than a little bit psychic right now.

Anyway, Carly impressed me back then, and she kinda impressed me today too.
  Stand by to hear why.
The love guru sits them back to back and makes them hum.
And moan.
Yes, moan.
And then she starts talking to them about sexuality.
Carly is told to blindfold Chris and not talk.  She is instructed to use her touch and her breath to explore everything.
She’s also told to smell him.
Yes, smell him.
Oh…and apparently awkwardly rub a chocolate covered strawberry all over his mouth.
#ewwwww

After the sniffing, they are told to shed each other’s clothes like masks.
First she takes off his shirt…and then he takes off her shirt (she is wearing a swimsuit top)…and now it’s time for her to take off his pants.
AND Y’ALL…I’m TOTALLY WIGGING OUT.
Like armpits sweating, shaking my head, shrugging my shoulders, wringing my
hands WIGGING OUT.
THIS IS WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I feel like Carly should have been given a safe word.

And thank heavens, just when I thought the floor might swallow me up whole, it appears Carly’s mother raised her right.
She stops the shenanigans and says she feels uncomfortable.
GOOD FOR YOU CARLY!
#selfrespect

But uh-oh….just as quickly as things get better….they go south again.
Carly is told to sit on his lap, not kiss on him, and basically just breathe all over him.
Y’all.
This just ain’t right.

You know that Carly is DYING right now watching this at home.
You know her mom and her dad are hiding behind their couch.
And if her grandparents are still living, I’m hoping they have Life Alert…because STROKE.

After lots of breathing, they start kissing, and then just like that, the date is over.  And I don’t know if I’ve been so relieved.
I do feel like the producers really missed an opportunity here, because #virgininabottle would have been TV GOLD on this date.

After their love session is over, Carly and Chris loung in front of a fire on aztec pillows.
And she’s wearing turquoise jewelry, because you know what they say, when in Rome New Mexico…
I would like to point out that her earrings look almost identical to our favorite $8 studs !

She like confides in like Chris that her like last boyfriend like didn’t want to like ever like touch her.
Despite her using “like” 743 times, she still gets a rose.
And I’m glad, because I like like her.

Back to the hacienda (because when in New Mexico….), the group date card arrives and says “I’m rapidly falling in love.”
Here’s who is going:
#fullfrontaljade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, #virgininabottle, and Kelsey.
And don’t worry, Kelsey will have a nickname too by the end of this recap.

Kelsey is NOT amused that sh’es going to be on the group date.  In fact, she finds it, “unacceptable”.
Sister is on my nerves.

The group date girls are all sporting frosted pink lipstick and athletic gear when they arrive on the date.Not one of them is wearing THESE pants, and it’s a darn shame, because BEST WORK OUT PANTS EVER.

What are they doing?  You guessed it!  They are going white water rafting.
NO THANK YOU.
I almost died floating the river once.  Not rafting.  FLOATING.
#smirnofficemighthavebeeninvolved
#allegedly

So they hop in their little canoes and start to head down the river.
Jade falls out of the boat, and bad news for her, it appears she suffers from a condition where she gets hypothermia at temperatures where she should not in fact get hypothermia.
She got an emergency massage from Prince Farming to warm up her appendages.

And I have flashbacks to our girl Tierra and start wondering if possibly she had the same condition that Jade has.
#undiagnosedhypothermia-ish

Back to #fullfrontaljade and her weird kinda like hypothermia, but not really condition.
I kept having one thought.
#theplayboystudiomusthavebeenheated
And please, I beg of you, whatever you do…don’t let your curiosity get the better of you and google Jade in playboy.  Because I’m telling you, you won’t ever be able to un-see those images.
They will burn first into your retinas and then into your brain.

The river rafting ends, and and all of a sudden they are back at the hotel.
And all of a sudden there’s this girl that’s come back to see Chris, although I don’t recognize her.  This girl seems COMPLETELY normal and actually quite lovely.
And then I realize who it is.  Our little twerker is back!

Chris hears her out, confesses that he also enjoys drinking, and then he walks her around the corner (arm in arm no less) to the other girls who are NOT IMPRESSED.
No M’am.
They are not impressed AT ALL.
And they are also not good at hiding their NOT IMPRESSED feelings.
Exhibit A ,Your Honor.

Jordan is trying to explain herself to the other women, and I’m thinking she looks like what’s her name from Bewitched.
Her nose is DARLING, right?
And then I google a picture, and I must say, Jordan and Elizabeth Montgomery COULD BE TWINS.
And you know who else could be twins?
#betwitchedforever

Kaitlyn says she is both excited and scared about what she thinks is about to go down with all the girls concerning Jordan.  I feel ya Kaitlyn.
 #virgininabottle is showing her true colors as a mean girl, Whitney is keeping a level head and telling everybody that they don’t have to be happy about the situation, but they also don’t need to be mean to Jordan.
Guidance counselor Kelsey needs to take some notes, because she is coming off as somebody who needs some serious counseling…not as somebody who should be doing the actual counseling.

Well, Chris tells Jordan it’s not fair to the other girls and that he has to let her go.
I think Jordan handles herself remarkably well, and she bids the girls farewell.
This is our guidance counselor’s first reaction.  She has to cover her face so nobody can see her smiling.  Classy Kelsey.

Then our counselor pulls Jordan in for a quick hug as she quietly whispers “I’ll always admire you” in her ear.  That seemed sweet Kelsey.  But we are on to you.
You would have gone all Fatal Attraction on her in a heartbeat had Chris let her stay.

Chris gives the rose to Whitney!
And #virgininabottle simply cannot take it anymore.
And it a moment of clarity, 5th grade Mackenzie puts it out there that maybe #virgininabottle just doesn’t like Whitney.  For the first (and I’m guessing last) time, I want to fist bump Mackenzie.

Britt and Carly are back at the hacienda talking about Britt’s upcoming 1:1 date.
And they’re talking about how Britt is going to have to shower at some point before her date.
HUH?
EXCUSE ME?
WHAT THE WHA?
Why is Britt not showering?

The next 1:1 date card comes, and it says “The Sky’s The Limit.”
And apparently Britt is afraid of heights.
GIRLS.
LISTEN TO ME NOW VERY CAREFULLY.
IF YOU EVER PLAN ON GOING ON THE BACHELOR, LISTEN. TO. ME.
On the application where it asks you to list your fears….
list things like DIAMONDS, SUNSET WALKS ON THE BEACH, REALLY GREAT WINE, and PRIVATE CONCERTS.
For the love.
Don’t write your actual fears.

I’m wondering why Carly isn’t reaching out to physically comfort Britt as she is bawling.
But then I remember.
#stinky

Chris sneaks into the girl’s room to wake up Britt for their 1:1 date.
He tells her she has 5 minutes to get ready, and I find myself internally willing her to JUST HOP IN A QUICK SHOWER AND BRUSH HER TEETH.
But no need to re-apply her glitter eyeshadow, she’s good to go in that department.

Britt’s fears are lessened when she realizes they are going on a hot air balloon ride and not jumping off a mountain or something equally as ridiculous.

Back at the hacienda the girls are talking about how Britt has told them that she loves being single and doesn’t really understand the idea of just dying to get married and have kids.
Cut to Britt back on the date telling Chris that she wants to “have a hundred kids”.
Hilarious.
But all I can think about is the fact that if she really hasn’t showered in awhile, I’m going to need the name of her favorite dry shampoo because girlfriend’s hair is ON POINT.

Britt.
Call me.

He gives her the rose.

Britt goes back to all the girls and proceeds to tell all of them about their date.
Never a good idea Britt.  NEVER.
She started out with “We went on a hot air balloon ride, and it was so pretty.”
Okay.  Harmless enough.
Then she tells them that they went back to his room for a couple of hours and had dessert and coffee.
Okay.  The other girls are a little annoyed, but everything is still manageable.
And then she tells everybody that THEY TOOK A NAP.
Uh-oh.
This is how Becca feels about their “nap”.

And you guessed it, Kelsey will have NONE of it.
So she threw on  her best pair of boot cut jeans and a sensible cardigan to
 go WIN BACK HER MAN.

How is she going to win him back?  Easy.  She’s going to share her story with him.
Because it’s “awesome”.  Her words, not mine.
She tells Chris that she lost her husband.  But the way she tells him just feels off.
It’s as if she’s presenting a monologue.
And I can’t help but notice that the whole conversation left me feeling icky.
Not just because of what she said, but also because check out Chris’s pits.

And then on her 1:1 interview she says this:
“Isn’t my story amazing?  It’s tragic. But amazing.  I love my story.”
The picture below is exactly where she is saying “Isn’t my story amazing?”
And scene.
I am all sorts of oogied out by her romantic portrayal of her “story”.

And all of a sudden I fully understand Chris’s pit stains, because I feel my armpits tingling too.
Chris hugs her, and then goes in for a kiss on the cheek.
But she doesn’t interpret it that way you see, because she believes that the last several weeks that they’ve been building up to this moment and they were just ready to..and I quote…”collide”.

And then she kissed his nose, and in doing so, she upped the creepy and scary factor in one fell swoop.

Time for the rose ceremony.
And everybody is just a big ol’ ball of nerves.
Except Kelsey.  She says she’s not worried.
All the other girls are having to talk themselves out of throwing up..but Kelsey is uber confident….
until Chris blows her cover.

Chris waltzes in and tells everybody that his private conversation with Kelsey really affected him.
All the other girls are like “Whuh?”
Chris gets choked up and says “he needs a minute”.

Kelsey has some ‘splainin to do.
She said she had to “honor my story” and she wanted to “protect the girls from the situation”.
BULL.
She also said she was so sad she was going to have to say good-bye to people….BUT she didn’t mean that she was going to be leaving.
This girl is too much.

The cocktail party was canceled, and you could have heard a pin drop.
#virgininabottle starts crying and saying that “her story doesn’t even compare to Kelsey’s sad story”.
WHAT EXACTLY is her story?  That she’s a virgin? Oh, please.
And all of a sudden Kelsey gets up to leave.
Where’d she go?
I’ll tell you where.  She’s off to write another chapter in her AMAZING story.
Chapter 13: That Time I Faked a Panic Attack.

And ya’ll….that’s when the following 3 words flashed across the t.v. screen:
TO BE CONTINUED…

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
How will I ever make it to next week?
There’s no rose ceremony, and we are left wondering if Kelsey is going to pull through her fake panic attack.  Only time will tell…..
I will say that I’m going to need time to think of a worthy nickname for Kelsey.
If you have any ideas, please feel free to leave suggestions!

A couple of things on the fashion front before you leave today girls!
Thinking about THESE booties for spring.
 I love the idea of them.
I think.
What are y’alls thoughts?!?  I need to try them on!
(Honestly, I never would have given them a thought…except I saw a really cute girl try them on last time I was running through Nordstrom, and they were absolutely darling on her.
 And now I’m intrigued!)

Last week I ran to Anthropologie to try on a few things (that post coming up sometime in the next couple of weeks), and I realized I hadn’t taken a picture of my outfit before I left.
So, I took outfit pictures right there in the middle of Anthro.
I have NO shame.  🙂

Here are the sources:
blue pin-stripe shirt (that I ABSOLUTELY ADORE!) HERE from Old Navy/
similar cuffed jeans HERE and HERE  (not distressed, but cuffed)
shoes (you need them!) HERE / tortoise pendant necklace HERE  /
$8 earrings HERE / st. anne leather tote c/o Barrington HERE*
*Remember to use the code LOVE10 for 10% OFF your Barrington order!
And if you order by today (February 4th), you are still guaranteed to receive your order by Valentine’s Day!

Shop the look here by just clicking the pic you are interested in!

And I thought you might want a close up of the jewelry and the shoes!
spiky bracelet HERE
LOVE bracelet HERE (also comes in silver and rose gold)
And I hope you notice my shoes again.  Because OBSESSED.  Clearly.
Find the grey “snakeskin” slips-ons HERE,  and if you are a solid 1/2 size, 
go ahead and size up!
And remember, they will be stiff the first time you wear them, but they will break in easily and be so comfy after just several hours of wear!
I cannot say enough about the shoes.
I just beg of you…GIVE THE SHOES A CHANCE!

I also thought you might want to see some of the amazing items that I’ve found on sale at Nordstrom lately!  Just quickly scan the items and the prices because they are good!
Just click on what interests you!

And if you are a new here and need a comprehensive review of all the Bachelor crazy…..I’ve got ya’ covered!

Click HERE for Episode 3.
Click HERE to read the review for Episode 2 and see why all of the girls are aghast!
Click HERE for the season premier!

See everybody back here Friday!
I’ve got some good stuff planned!!!!!

xoxo,
Sheaffer 🙂

Filed Under: Fashion 108 Comments

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Comments

  1. Jenny Morgan says

    O.M.GEEEE Shaeffer, I literally die laughing out loud every single time I read your Bachelor Recap. I like literally like look forward to like every single week—see what I did there! I swoon Carley too 🙂 I also believe that Kelsey is all sorts of cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and can't wait to see how next week unfolds but I really hope that Prince Farming sends the girl packing this week and really gives her a reason to have a (cough cough) panic attack. If so, I am super excited to see her exit interview. And if I'm being completely honest, I am secretly coveting Britt's hair as well—stinky or not!

    Reply

  3. Brooke Rice says

    Not so counseling Kelsey! She is CRAZY and her panic attack was so fake! I love how all the girls just sat there with an unamused face!

    Reply

  12. Val @ Chicken Scratch. says

    I cant imagine actually watching this show because Im wildly uncomfortable just reading your recap! Hahahhahahhahaha I cant even stop laughing out loud right now. Im DYING over this insanity.

    Reply

  14. Anonymous says

    Just wanted to say something about Jade; my sister-in-law has that disorder that Jade has. She can't let her hands and feet get cold, they will lose feeling and it's VERY serious. I just wanted to clarify that it's a real thing and needs to be taken seriously!

    Reply

    • Anonymous says

      Yes, I was going to say something too. My sister has it, it's called Reynaud's. It really bothered me that the other girls were acting like she made it up because it's a very real thing.

      Reply

    • Sheaffer says

      This must be a fairly common disorder if two different readers have people close to them with it. Again, thanks for bringing attention to it in a respectful way. I'm guessing it is pretty scary! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂

      Reply

    • Anonymous says

      "Original" anonymous poster here 🙂 yes Reynaud's, that's what it's called! I could not for the life of me think of the name!

      When my sister-in-law started looking at child care for her kids she specifically looked for places that don't bring kids outside in the winter as a precautionary in case their children had it (we live in a very cold climate so they have to be super careful about this!)

      Reply

    • Paula says

      I guessed what Jade had immediately. A couple of weeks ago, a fellow Angelman parent (our children have a rare genetic disorder called Angelman Syndrome ) posted pictures of her daughter and blue figures and toes. Finally received this diagnosis. She said it was extremely painful.

      Reply

    • Toni :O) says

      I myself have this disease and it royally sucks, especially living in Michigan. I hope to move to a warmer climate someday. I have it in my hands and my fingers will turn pure white with no circulation and it is very painful. My son has warm hands and if I have an attack of it, he holds my fingers tightly so I can warm them up again. I struggle finding a pair of warm enough gloves to prevent it. It's gotten worse the older I get. They turn purple once feeling comes back into them and eventually turn back to normal pink once they are warm again. My niece gets it in her feet and has trouble walking. It's not much fun at all. :0( I couldn't believe it when I read that she has this. Btw, I love your recaps. They make me bust out loud laughing. I knew you'd have a field day with that most awkward love mentor-yikes! Keep up the great work!

      Reply

    • Sheaffer says

      I have never heard of this, but all of the comments have done such a good job of educating me! Thanks for letting all of us know more about it!
      xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂

      Reply

    • Janna says

      My roommate has Reynaud's but it only affects her feet. Her toes and the pads of her feet turn white when they're cold but she has permanent damage to the capillaries so when her feet are warm, part of her toes are dark purple. That never goes away. So I'm not sure if Jade really has Reynaud's, but it is a real disease and it seemingly is somewhat common.

      Reply

    • Anonymous says

      Was anybody else doubting if Jade actually has Raynaud's considering she couldn't properly name it? A lot of people, especially women, complain their hands and fingers get cold easily….Reynaud's is more extreme than that.

      Reply

    • Sunny says

      Jade probably knew her condition was called Raynauds, but she described it as hypothermia-like on the bachelor because she knew most people watching wouldn't know what raynauds is. Plus saying you have a condition that causes hypothermia in your fingers and toes is much easier for the average television viewer to understand than saying you have raynauds. I've had raynauds now for almost two years now (I was diagnosed when I was 21) and it's a very real and serious condition. My fingers and toes lose circulation when my core body temperature isn't even cold (e.g., when I'm handling frozen meat when cooking, going outside in winter without gloves on) and once I lose circulation, it usually takes 15 minutes for it to come back and during that time I'm in extreme pain. When I first got it, I got so sick of people thinking I was just overreacting and pretending to be cold, so please don't think Jade was pretending. It's not a life-threatening condition, it's just a nuisance to everyday life and is very painful when it occurs

      Reply

    • Sheaffer says

      I agree with this Sunny! And who knows, she might have actually said "Raynauds" and it could have been edited out. Does it feel similar to when your foot falls asleep and it's so tingly that it hurts? I can't imagine that sensation lasting 15 minutes!

      Reply

    • Sunny says

      It's hard to describe but when I lose circulation in my fingers and toes, it's like some of the nerves in my fingers have gone to sleep because I lose fine touch (I.e., if I stuck my hand into my handbag while my fingers were cold I wouldn't be able to fine my keys based on touch alone because it's like my fingers can only sense crude touch). Touching something cold is also extremely painful when my hands have lost circulation. The tingly sensation only happens when circulation starts to come back and it literally feels like my hands are thawing. It's particularly bad when I'm in a situation where I can't get warm immediately, in those cases feeling may not return for an hour or two!

      Reply

    • Paula says

      I am all about my name and reputation. I can't help but think…you counsel AT A SCHOOL! Does this bother you? Peers, parents, community, and children are watching? SMH

      Reply

  19. Katelyn Sloan says

    Seriously, can we send Kelsey home and have her leave the the turquoise stella and dot earrings? #kelseyneedscounseling 😉 Love your turqiose pendant necklace. Adorable as always xo

    Reply

  20. April Parrish says

    Girl, your recap is SO FUNNY!!!! I keep saying it…GMA needs to call you! I've got a name for Kelsey-Crazy Counselor!!! I did not even notice Chris's armpits when he was talking with Kelsey…GROSE!!!
    Thanks for starting my day with a good laugh!
    Have a blessed day!

    Reply

  23. Heather Forcey says

    I die laughing every time I read your recaps! I wanted scream when Kelsey talked about her dead husband as being her amazing story! Huh?! I kept smacking my husband because I couldn't do anything else! Truly awful.

    Reply

  25. kristinwithani says

    Sheaffer, I thought of you the whole episode. Not because girlfriend sleeps in full makeup or fake panic attack (SO FAKE!) or no showering but I so thought you'd mention #virgininabottle 's "dress" around fistbump time! What the heck was she wearing? Maybe we're all just numb to it now.
    LIke my friends and I texted last night (because all of us had to watch Tuesday due to Monday conflicts), we all thought this season would be kinda boring. Wrong.
    Oh, and poor Carley's date. I was so proud of her for putting on the brakes and then freaky woman made her be all crazy intimate by breathing and no touching! ARGH!! I bolted for Zak's blog right after that scene. He's a good brother.
    And you are a trooper for continuing to Bach-Blog.
    Whew.

    Reply

  26. Ruth D says

    Enjoyed your recap! Thanks for the laughs this morning! I also thought Carly's date was very awkward. I had to mute the TV and look away during parts of that date. This was definitely a weird episode.

    Reply

  29. Jersey Love says

    I think #CounselMeCrazy fits Kelsey to a T !
    What a nut job she is. I almost lunged at the TV when I saw the "To Be Continued…" Hahaha same thoughts! Something is definitely wrong with Kelsey – Her "story" just doesn't seem to really affect her. It's very odd. And if #virgininabottle stays after the next rose ceremony, I'm gonna lose it!
    ~Tiffany

    Reply

  30. Kate says

    Amazingly Tragic Kelsey. I was so mad there wasn't even a rose ceremony! What a waste. Also, hold the phone, Andi and whats-his-face broke up?? Well, you called it, but you said what we were all thinking.

    Reply

  31. The Seidel Family says

    I can never stop laughing at your recaps or sending them to my friends! They are the best; you are awesome; I wish we could watch Bachelor together! ha! 🙂

    Reply

  32. Allison Miles says

    I always love love love love your recaps!! And was anyone else wondering if Chris was so sweaty from his and Britt's "nap?" I'm guessing maybe he's down with the no shower thing?? 😉

    Reply

  33. live compassionately says

    This episode was a hot mess and I was so excited to read your post! That date with Carly and Chris left me so uncomfortable and I was super uncomfortable when Kelsey called her husband's death story amazing! What is wrong with these people? Haha!

    Reply

  35. Liz/ says

    There is nothing and I mean NOTHING better about this season than your recaps! On point and I often think to myself while watching the show "what will Sheaffer say?"!!!! You are freakin hilarious and we so need hilarious to get us through this crazy season. I mean I like Chris (for the most part) but these girls be cray cray and I can barely handle most of them for another week. And for the love, I would NOT want Kelsey to be a counselor at my kids school in a million years….cue all parents calling and removing their children from that freaks counseling asap!

    Reply

  36. Paula says

    Too many thoughts here…
    I will agree, Bachelor is hitting a new low!
    Let'Let's start with Kelsey. One of two things, either the Producers here purposely edited this to make her look crazy or she is completely narcissistic. Neither impress me.

    Megan, no worries! I will send you my 9 year old for a Geography lessons! He is so down with Geography, he keeps a world & USA map in his room! 😉
    Carly- UNCOMFORTABLE!
    Virgininabottle- I am going to go ahead and guess she is already someone's little princess! That is a Daddy's Girl to a new level. And girl, let's be real….you, Iowa, farming….yea right! Another Geography lesson here, this is the Midwest in the middle or corn fields….FOR MILES AND MILES AND MILES! No malls, nail salons, Starbucks for MILES!

    I am really hoping either Becca or Whitney turn out.

    Reply

    • sea says

      Paula, I SO agree with you…. while watching it, my thoughts about crazy Kelsey were "this girl is a sociopath/narcissist!" Crocodile (fake) tears, all about her, etc. YIKES! Hopefully Chris will see right through her. And her gushing on and on about her "amazing story"??? She is whacked.

      Loved your recap, as always, Shaffer! 🙂 I'm team Carly now. Love her! Hated their date, but so glad she told him she was uncomfortable and they stopped that nonsense.

      Reply

  37. lovejoy_31 says

    Holy cow. That was an insane episode. Have you read Kelsey's husband's obit? The majority of it is about her. You NEED to read it.

    Reply

  38. amy says

    My favorite part was when Chris came in and said he needed a minute after hearing Kelsey's "amazing" story, Britt cuddles into Kelsey and says something like "At least you have fabulous pumps."

    Reply

    • Anonymous says

      And she replied something like "I know, right?". I'd rewatch the episode to get the quote right but you know no one could live through watching that mess twice. Lol

      Reply

  40. Melanie Lien says

    Honestly, I need to see pictures of Kelsey's husband in order to believe it ever happened. I can't comprehend how she is talking about this situation he way she does! Like what? Narcissistic sociopath are the words coming to mind when she is talking. And to think I kind of liked her in the first few episodes! Whitney, Kaitlyn and Becca are the girls I am pulling for.

    Reply

  41. Wendy says

    I think Kelsey is the most duplicitous girl I have ever seen on the show. Ever. I loved her when she was first profiled…she looked classy, smart, pretty in a not-over-the-top kind of way. Then over the past few episodes, she has slowly unraveled. I think she actually has a serious mental issue. In all seriousness, the way she described her story and how "amazing" it was and that she loved having this story….if I was the mom of her now deceased husband, I might start asking some pointed questions and start doing a little research. She's either acting out a role (which in and of itself is crazy) or she is really certifiably nuts.

    Shower or no shower, Britt is beautiful with gorgeous hair. I can't tell if she is actually there to find a husband, but anyone who can wake up with her pink lipstick still intact and looking fabulous, gets my vote (also, I found it funny that she was apparently terrified of heights, like the view from a rollercoaster, but flying over canyons in a little basket with a huge flame feet away from her hundreds of feet up in the air, didn't seem to bother her).

    Reply

  42. Sarah says

    I love your recaps, this one does not disappoint. I read your recaps and then watch the finale. 🙂 I think you should name her #dramaformymamaKelsey

    Reply

  44. Angela Jennings says

    I love your recaps! They are so on point. I can't stop laughing about boot cut jeans and a sensible cardigan.

    Reply

  45. Lora G says

    This reminds me of the SNL skit from last week with Blake Shelton, it's called "Farm Hunk", if you need a laugh, you should check it out on youtube!

    Love your recaps, so fun!

    Reply

  46. Kristin says

    The entire time I was watching the show, I just kept thinking that I couldn't wait for your recap and you didn't disappoint. Not sure if you have read the book or seen the movie "Gone Girl" but Kelsey reminds me of the crazy wife "Amy" in the movie. So my nickname is #gonegirlKelsey And if you haven't read the book, do it now, it's amazing!! Can't wait for next werk's show!!

    Reply

  47. Rebecca Jo says

    I knew after watching this past Monday that THIS would be your best recap EVER! How could it not? Love Guru's … Crazy Kelsey…no showering Britt… #virgininthebottle freaking out because her 'story' isn't good enough? Dear Lord, help Chris – he has 2 sane people in the house – Whitney & Becca. If he ends up with anyone other then that, he's screwed.

    Reply

  49. Sara Brandon says

    Am I the only one who thinks twerking Jordan looks and talks exactly like Kacie Boguskie from Ben's season?!?!

    Reply

  50. Keisha Dawson says

    I haven't gotten a chance to watch the show yet, but I just had to ready your recap! I can't wait to watch it! You make me laugh so much!

    Reply

  51. Anonymous says

    I honestly think this episode ended with to be continued because Kelsey was taken away by the cops! When she was talking about her late husband and that the doctors honestly don't know why his heart stopped?!! #mysterysolved #Kelseysintheslammer

    Reply

  52. Anonymous says

    I have never been as excited for your recap as this week! Oh my! As usual, you did not disappoint-you crack me up! 🙂 Kelsey plain scares me-did you notice how the pleasant music that was playing as she talked went all creepy when she said she "loved her story"? I had to rewind, because it was so perfect. Ha! Also, I think Carly looks so much like your friend Erika! 🙂

    Reply

  53. Miki says

    I seriously hate that I have to wait until Wednesday to read these recaps because they are so hilarious and EXACTLY what we are all thinking…just ten times funnier than what is going on in my own head.
    I was dying during the love guru/schmear chocolate on his face…poor girl got the worst 1-on-1 date in Bach history!

    Love the #kookooforkokopuffskelsey and I think you need to add an addendum to #virgininabottle yet #dresseslikeahooker…oh the irony.

    Keep em coming…they make my Wednesday. And if you want to make them twice as long, I wouldn't hate that either.

    Reply

  54. StacyHudson says

    "Like," two things. First, "like" I googled Jade and I "like, totally" should have listened to you…I can NOT undo those images. Ladies, "like" definitely don't do it. "Like" woah!! "Like," second, I'm not sure about those booties. (Okay, I can't say 'like' anymore because I'm driving myself nuts…that was, like, totally ridiculous how many times she said it!) I've looked at them on-line too and it seems that they are bulky on the top. Now, having said that, I have not seen them in person so you must try them on and let me know what you think. Because, you know, of COURSE I'd need another tan bootie or sandal in my closet (not).

    Reply

  58. Hannah says

    I have been SO looking forward to reading this bachelor recap! And it did not disappoint hahaha. Dying laughing at this. "In her best pair of boot cut jeans" haha. This was great.

    Reply

  61. Anonymous says

    Really embarrassed to share the same name as her (Kelsey) but more importantly…made the mistake of googling Jade and she is not only #fullfrontalJade she's #gotaplayboyvideoofherundressingallthewayJade Ahhh! Totally can't look at her the same now.

    Reply

  63. Mary Deckert says

    Am I being overly sensitive….you seemed to take a couple of shots at New Mexico. p.s. I thought Kelsey's turquoise necklace was pretty!

    Reply

  64. Nharris says

    They should hire you to do an "after the rose" every week. You are adding so much to my bachelor experience this season and for that I thank you! Kelsey is definitely a #bunnyboiler.

    Reply

  65. Lynn {A Taste of Country} says

    Hahaha! I was wondering if you'd notice Chris' sweaty pits. And I agree with you on so many things: 1) Envious of Britt's hair and that she can look gorgeous even without showingering 2) Loving Carly! 3) #virgininabottle needs to go..now! 4) Where do I even begin with Kelsey?? I second #counselmecrazy!

    Reply

  66. Sarah E @ theteacherswife.com says

    Your recaps are the funniest thing ever. ABC is stupid to not hire you to write their weekly blogs. So funny!

    Reply

  67. Claire says

    I'm team Carly and Whitney! I like Jade but she's a tad bit boring. I guess that will go well with Chris who seems a tad bit, um, empty? Doesn't seem like much goes on up top. I won't shame Jade for her playboy pics because she can do whatever she wants with her body and it doesn't make her a bad person BUT she really did tell his sisters that she was shy. Girlfriend that is not something a shy person does. But whatever! So Kelseys husband is real? Because the name Sanderson Poe sounds made up. I also don't want to comment on someone's grief negatively because we all deal with things in our own way, but she was just weird with her amazing story. "he was walking to work. It was the most beautiful day…" it was like she had written it down and rehearsed it. I can't come up with any good names for her. Hopefully she will go home and we won't have to worry about it!

    Reply

  68. Allison D says

    I got those shoes at Nordstrom yesterday in black (before your post) which makes me so happy that you like them too! They are very comfortable and you must try on to feel it. Once your foot is in the shoe and it is zipped in the back- comfort. They are pretty high (to me) but wedges are the best! I look forward to your weekly recap of The Bachelor/Bachelorette every season. Great way to start my day!

    Reply

  69. Amanda says

    OMG this recap is amazing. Laughed out loud at least twice.. love that you catch everything I do, including the sweaty arm pits which were only on screen for .2 seconds!!

    Reply

  74. Mackenzie Griffith says

    Okay FIRST – I have Raynaud's and while it sucks to be cold, I think she overreacted, but hey Sister's got to get some attention from PF. 2nd – Kelsey is TERRIBLE…I think her name should have to do with "her story" – 3rd and MOST importantly. Get these Dolce Vita wedges. I just got them and I LOVE THEM. Great transitional shoe from winter to spring. 🙂

    Reply

  75. Emily - Live This Love says

    I vote for #Etruehollywoodkelsey as her nickname. Seriously, check out her Facebook and look at her photos. She's written her life story in photo captions and it is a million different kinds of crazy/awkward.

    -Emily
    http://www.livethislove.com

    Reply

  76. Leslie Roberts Clingan says

    I have to start by saying I have the best husband in the world because we were going to miss Bachelor last week to have a couple's massage, and he stopped on his way out the door to make sure we were recording it. He sits beside me as we watch every dramatic, love-filled episode of Bachelor/Bachelorette every season because he knows I love it! And this morning, he allowed me to read your hilarious recap to him. I just love him and love you, too, Sheaffer. Thank you for making me laugh.

    Reply

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