Forget everything you know about geography and personal space, and let’s get started.
Harrison comes in and tells the girls they are going to Santa Fe.
And they are all sooooooo excited. Scratch that. They are all acting like they are so excited.
Because let’s be real, not a one of them is excited to go to New Mexico.
Except maybe Megan.
Because she’s excited that she finally gets to leave the country.
And she’s excited to see the ocean.
Um, double no.
And she can’t wait to wear a sombrero.
Oh my goodness Megan.
There are 11 girls left at this point, and I don’t know if you’ve heard, but #virgininabottle is IN FACT a virgin. Still.
Carly gets the first 1:1.
The date card says “Carly, Let’s Come Together.”
And prepare yourself, because their date is with a “love and intimacy mentor”.
And she’s wearing feather earrings.
And I promise you that the feather earrings are not the low point of the date.
Okay. Hold up. We’re going to put the recap on the back burner for just a sec.
I got a facebook message from a reader on Monday (thank you Alexandra!) that had a screen shot of a previous recap of mine. And let the record show, that I totally called My Name is Carly, It’s Nice to Meet You needing to be on the show.
Pair this with the fact that I also put Andi and Josh’s break-up out there 1 day before it happened, and I’m feeling more than a little bit psychic right now.
Anyway, Carly impressed me back then, and she kinda impressed me today too.
Stand by to hear why.
The love guru sits them back to back and makes them hum.
And then she starts talking to them about sexuality.
Carly is told to blindfold Chris and not talk. She is instructed to use her touch and her breath to explore everything.
She’s also told to smell him.
Yes, smell him.
Oh…and apparently awkwardly rub a chocolate covered strawberry all over his mouth.
After the sniffing, they are told to shed each other’s clothes like masks.
First she takes off his shirt…and then he takes off her shirt (she is wearing a swimsuit top)…and now it’s time for her to take off his pants.
AND Y’ALL…I’m TOTALLY WIGGING OUT.
Like armpits sweating, shaking my head, shrugging my shoulders, wringing my
hands WIGGING OUT.
THIS IS WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like Carly should have been given a safe word.
And thank heavens, just when I thought the floor might swallow me up whole, it appears Carly’s mother raised her right.
She stops the shenanigans and says she feels uncomfortable.
GOOD FOR YOU CARLY!
But uh-oh….just as quickly as things get better….they go south again.
Carly is told to sit on his lap, not kiss on him, and basically just breathe all over him.
This just ain’t right.
You know that Carly is DYING right now watching this at home.
You know her mom and her dad are hiding behind their couch.
And if her grandparents are still living, I’m hoping they have Life Alert…because STROKE.
After lots of breathing, they start kissing, and then just like that, the date is over. And I don’t know if I’ve been so relieved.
I do feel like the producers really missed an opportunity here, because #virgininabottle would have been TV GOLD on this date.
After their love session is over, Carly and Chris loung in front of a fire on aztec pillows.
And she’s wearing turquoise jewelry, because you know what they say, when in
Rome New Mexico…
I would like to point out that her earrings look almost identical to our favorite $8 studs !
She like confides in like Chris that her like last boyfriend like didn’t want to like ever like touch her.
Despite her using “like” 743 times, she still gets a rose.
And I’m glad, because I like like her.
Back to the hacienda (because when in New Mexico….), the group date card arrives and says “I’m rapidly falling in love.”
Here’s who is going:
#fullfrontaljade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, #virgininabottle, and Kelsey.
And don’t worry, Kelsey will have a nickname too by the end of this recap.
Kelsey is NOT amused that sh’es going to be on the group date. In fact, she finds it, “unacceptable”.
Sister is on my nerves.
The group date girls are all sporting frosted pink lipstick and athletic gear when they arrive on the date.Not one of them is wearing THESE pants, and it’s a darn shame, because BEST WORK OUT PANTS EVER.
What are they doing? You guessed it! They are going white water rafting.
NO THANK YOU.
I almost died floating the river once. Not rafting. FLOATING.
So they hop in their little canoes and start to head down the river.
Jade falls out of the boat, and bad news for her, it appears she suffers from a condition where she gets hypothermia at temperatures where she should not in fact get hypothermia.
She got an emergency massage from Prince Farming to warm up her appendages.
And I have flashbacks to our girl Tierra and start wondering if possibly she had the same condition that Jade has.
Back to #fullfrontaljade and her weird kinda like hypothermia, but not really condition.
I kept having one thought.
And please, I beg of you, whatever you do…don’t let your curiosity get the better of you and google Jade in playboy. Because I’m telling you, you won’t ever be able to un-see those images.
They will burn first into your retinas and then into your brain.
The river rafting ends, and and all of a sudden they are back at the hotel.
And all of a sudden there’s this girl that’s come back to see Chris, although I don’t recognize her. This girl seems COMPLETELY normal and actually quite lovely.
And then I realize who it is. Our little twerker is back!
Chris hears her out, confesses that he also enjoys drinking, and then he walks her around the corner (arm in arm no less) to the other girls who are NOT IMPRESSED.
They are not impressed AT ALL.
And they are also not good at hiding their NOT IMPRESSED feelings.
Exhibit A ,Your Honor.
Jordan is trying to explain herself to the other women, and I’m thinking she looks like what’s her name from Bewitched.
Her nose is DARLING, right?
And then I google a picture, and I must say, Jordan and Elizabeth Montgomery COULD BE TWINS.
And you know who else could be twins?
Kaitlyn says she is both excited and scared about what she thinks is about to go down with all the girls concerning Jordan. I feel ya Kaitlyn.
#virgininabottle is showing her true colors as a mean girl, Whitney is keeping a level head and telling everybody that they don’t have to be happy about the situation, but they also don’t need to be mean to Jordan.
Guidance counselor Kelsey needs to take some notes, because she is coming off as somebody who needs some serious counseling…not as somebody who should be doing the actual counseling.
Well, Chris tells Jordan it’s not fair to the other girls and that he has to let her go.
I think Jordan handles herself remarkably well, and she bids the girls farewell.
This is our guidance counselor’s first reaction. She has to cover her face so nobody can see her smiling. Classy Kelsey.
Then our counselor pulls Jordan in for a quick hug as she quietly whispers “I’ll always admire you” in her ear. That seemed sweet Kelsey. But we are on to you.
You would have gone all Fatal Attraction on her in a heartbeat had Chris let her stay.
Chris gives the rose to Whitney!
And #virgininabottle simply cannot take it anymore.
And it a moment of clarity, 5th grade Mackenzie puts it out there that maybe #virgininabottle just doesn’t like Whitney. For the first (and I’m guessing last) time, I want to fist bump Mackenzie.
Britt and Carly are back at the hacienda talking about Britt’s upcoming 1:1 date.
And they’re talking about how Britt is going to have to shower at some point before her date.
WHAT THE WHA?
Why is Britt not showering?
The next 1:1 date card comes, and it says “The Sky’s The Limit.”
And apparently Britt is afraid of heights.
LISTEN TO ME NOW VERY CAREFULLY.
IF YOU EVER PLAN ON GOING ON THE BACHELOR, LISTEN. TO. ME.
On the application where it asks you to list your fears….
list things like DIAMONDS, SUNSET WALKS ON THE BEACH, REALLY GREAT WINE, and PRIVATE CONCERTS.
For the love.
Don’t write your actual fears.
I’m wondering why Carly isn’t reaching out to physically comfort Britt as she is bawling.
But then I remember.
Chris sneaks into the girl’s room to wake up Britt for their 1:1 date.
He tells her she has 5 minutes to get ready, and I find myself internally willing her to JUST HOP IN A QUICK SHOWER AND BRUSH HER TEETH.
But no need to re-apply her glitter eyeshadow, she’s good to go in that department.
Britt’s fears are lessened when she realizes they are going on a hot air balloon ride and not jumping off a mountain or something equally as ridiculous.
Back at the hacienda the girls are talking about how Britt has told them that she loves being single and doesn’t really understand the idea of just dying to get married and have kids.
Cut to Britt back on the date telling Chris that she wants to “have a hundred kids”.
But all I can think about is the fact that if she really hasn’t showered in awhile, I’m going to need the name of her favorite dry shampoo because girlfriend’s hair is ON POINT.
He gives her the rose.
Britt goes back to all the girls and proceeds to tell all of them about their date.
Never a good idea Britt. NEVER.
She started out with “We went on a hot air balloon ride, and it was so pretty.”
Okay. Harmless enough.
Then she tells them that they went back to his room for a couple of hours and had dessert and coffee.
Okay. The other girls are a little annoyed, but everything is still manageable.
And then she tells everybody that THEY TOOK A NAP.
This is how Becca feels about their “nap”.
And you guessed it, Kelsey will have NONE of it.
So she threw on her best pair of boot cut jeans and a sensible cardigan to
go WIN BACK HER MAN.
How is she going to win him back? Easy. She’s going to share her story with him.
Because it’s “awesome”. Her words, not mine.
She tells Chris that she lost her husband. But the way she tells him just feels off.
It’s as if she’s presenting a monologue.
And I can’t help but notice that the whole conversation left me feeling icky.
Not just because of what she said, but also because check out Chris’s pits.
And then on her 1:1 interview she says this:
“Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic. But amazing. I love my story.”
The picture below is exactly where she is saying “Isn’t my story amazing?”
I am all sorts of oogied out by her romantic portrayal of her “story”.
And all of a sudden I fully understand Chris’s pit stains, because I feel my armpits tingling too.
Chris hugs her, and then goes in for a kiss on the cheek.
But she doesn’t interpret it that way you see, because she believes that the last several weeks that they’ve been building up to this moment and they were just ready to..and I quote…”collide”.
And then she kissed his nose, and in doing so, she upped the creepy and scary factor in one fell swoop.
Time for the rose ceremony.
And everybody is just a big ol’ ball of nerves.
Except Kelsey. She says she’s not worried.
All the other girls are having to talk themselves out of throwing up..but Kelsey is uber confident….
until Chris blows her cover.
Chris waltzes in and tells everybody that his private conversation with Kelsey really affected him.
All the other girls are like “Whuh?”
Chris gets choked up and says “he needs a minute”.
Kelsey has some ‘splainin to do.
She said she had to “honor my story” and she wanted to “protect the girls from the situation”.
She also said she was so sad she was going to have to say good-bye to people….BUT she didn’t mean that she was going to be leaving.
This girl is too much.
The cocktail party was canceled, and you could have heard a pin drop.
#virgininabottle starts crying and saying that “her story doesn’t even compare to Kelsey’s sad story”.
WHAT EXACTLY is her story? That she’s a virgin? Oh, please.
And all of a sudden Kelsey gets up to leave.
Where’d she go?
I’ll tell you where. She’s off to write another chapter in her AMAZING story.
Chapter 13: That Time I Faked a Panic Attack.
And ya’ll….that’s when the following 3 words flashed across the t.v. screen:
TO BE CONTINUED…
How will I ever make it to next week?
There’s no rose ceremony, and we are left wondering if Kelsey is going to pull through her fake panic attack. Only time will tell…..
I will say that I’m going to need time to think of a worthy nickname for Kelsey.
If you have any ideas, please feel free to leave suggestions!
A couple of things on the fashion front before you leave today girls!
Thinking about THESE booties for spring.
I love the idea of them.
What are y’alls thoughts?!? I need to try them on!
(Honestly, I never would have given them a thought…except I saw a really cute girl try them on last time I was running through Nordstrom, and they were absolutely darling on her.
And now I’m intrigued!)
So, I took outfit pictures right there in the middle of Anthro.
I have NO shame. 🙂
Here are the sources:
blue pin-stripe shirt (that I ABSOLUTELY ADORE!) HERE from Old Navy/
similar cuffed jeans HERE and HERE (not distressed, but cuffed)
shoes (you need them!) HERE / tortoise pendant necklace HERE /
$8 earrings HERE / st. anne leather tote c/o Barrington HERE*
*Remember to use the code LOVE10 for 10% OFF your Barrington order!
And if you order by today (February 4th), you are still guaranteed to receive your order by Valentine’s Day!
And I thought you might want a close up of the jewelry and the shoes!
spiky bracelet HERE
LOVE bracelet HERE (also comes in silver and rose gold)
And I hope you notice my shoes again. Because OBSESSED. Clearly.
Find the grey “snakeskin” slips-ons HERE, and if you are a solid 1/2 size,
go ahead and size up!
And remember, they will be stiff the first time you wear them, but they will break in easily and be so comfy after just several hours of wear!
I just beg of you…GIVE THE SHOES A CHANCE!
I also thought you might want to see some of the amazing items that I’ve found on sale at Nordstrom lately! Just quickly scan the items and the prices because they are good!
Just click on what interests you!
And if you are a new here and need a comprehensive review of all the Bachelor crazy…..I’ve got ya’ covered!