Normally the last Wednesday of the month is What’s Up Wednesday around here, EXCEPT WHEN IT’S BACHELOR SEASON! If you are here for WUW, you can still link up on the bottom of this post, and you still need to go check out and see what Shay and Mel are up to!
If y’all are new around here, you might not know that I do Bachelor and Bachelorette recaps every season. Yep, I’ll be recapping The Bachelorette every Wednesday. WELCOME TO CRAZY TOWN, Y’ALL. It’s time for The Bachelorette Season 14 Premiere recap!!
You see, way back when Sean Lowe was The Bachelor I started doing them (because his sister Shay is one of my besties). People read the recaps and had the nicest things to say. And then people told their friends about the recaps. And then their friend’s friends told their friends about the recaps……fast forward several years, and the recaps are kind of a thing around here. And I promise you, you don’t even need to watch the show. Because CRAZY translates even without prior knowledge. #trust ?
What Happened in Season 13?
Let’s do a quick review of who Becca is. She was engaged to Arie at the end of last season. That’s right. He proposed with a big ol’ rock. And they were engaged. And they were “blisfully happy”.
For like a hot minute. And then in THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER, Arie decided to break up with her on National t.v. WITH UNEDITED T.V. COVERAGE. I’d like to say it was riveting.
It wasn’t riveting.
But it was cringe worthy. And I did want to hide under my kitchen table when it was all going down. Click HERE to read the full recap of the finale where Becca got dumped.
BUT LADIES. As the saying goes, WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR, HE OPENS A WINDOW WITH A LOT OF HOT GUYS ON THE OTHER SIDE. The other side of this window happened to have hot guys with vague occupations, but some hot guys nonetheless.
There’s also a lot of weirdos (I’m looking at you model boy), but we’ll get to them in a minute.
Must Shop: Gibson x Hi Sugarplum! Collection
Before we start the season premier recap, if you didn’t see my post yesterday, you MUST go check it out now! My friend launched a line at Nordstrom. #shesabigdeal For those of you that were disappointed yesterday because some of the items you wanted sold out so quickly, many of them have been restocked like the orange floral halter and the summery romper! Click HERE if you want to go check out all my favorites and see me in the orange floral halter and the romper.
This tee was one of my Top 3 favorites from the collection! It just fits great (it’s relaxed, but not baggy), and the hot pink is a PERFECT hot pink. I might have ordered it yesterday in the white and the blue and white stripe as well. #allegedly
OKAY, BACHELORETTE TIME!!!!!
Rehashing the Breakup
They started out the episode with a little review of Becca’s break up and how she’s been since. We were again treated to Arie’s gem of a quote where he said TO HIS FIANCE, “The more I hung out with you, the more I felt I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling things with Lauren.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FREAK, ARIE.
But here’s what everybody needs to know. Becca had a hard time with the news, but she went back to Minnesota and started to heal. She’s doing aerial yoga and driving a sports call y’all. She’s fine. Arie’s blindside did not break her. #gobecca #girlpower
In preparation for her big night, Becca met with JoJo, Kaitlyn, and Rachel. And I want to take a moment and reflect on the greatness that is JoJo. The girl is gorgeous, her hair is perfection, and she’s just so dang fun. Maybe Jordan and JoJo will break up and she can be The Bachelorette again. #calmdownimjustkidding #kindof
During Girl’s Night, they saged Becca’s lady parts. And that’s all I have to say about that.
As always, we’ll start out with some hometown montages, then we’ll move to limo exits, next the first cocktail party, and finally the rose ceremony. Not everybody’s limo exits will be documented, but I’ll hit the highlights.
The Guys of Season 14
This guy came out of the gate strong. His name is Clay, he’s 30, and he’s a professional football player. He seems like a big ol’ teddy bear. I mean, his hometown package showed him helping his grandma out of her wheelchair and making a sweet little joke about her “getting her squats in”. I think I love him already.
Garrett is a 29 year old Medical Sales Rep from Reno, Nevada. I’m pretty sure he did an impression of Chris Farley, but I had to watch it like 5 times to arrive at that. I’m not totally up on my Chris Farley trivia.
Jordan is a 26 year old professional model. He actually said this: “My brand is the pensive gentleman.” And that’s a direct quote. I’m still recovering.
He then went on to say that there’s more to being a model than just being incredibly good looking. And then he broke it down for us….working out year round…spray tanning year round….salt spray year round…..IT’S TAXING Y’ALL.
There’s no doubt this boy needs to go. However, I would prefer him to stick around for a bit because these recaps don’t write themselves.
Lincoln is 26 and originally from Nigeria. And here’s something you need to know about him. He can defy gravity (as seen below).
Joe is a 31 year old grocery store owner in Chicago. He joked that he knows tomatoes well, but not women. And y’all, I liked this guy. A lot. Maybe it’s partially because he has a real job, but I’ll tell you why else I like him…
I would like my man to be able to pick out perfectly ripe avocados. And watermelons. And peaches.
Jean Blanc is 31 year old Colognoisseur. Which is a word not recognized by spell check. He thinks you can tell a lot about a man by the watch he wears (he proudly showed us 2 Rolexes. gag), the tie he sports, and how he smells. Well, good news ladies, he owns over 100 bottles of cologne. Including a tiny little bottle that was $1200. He seemed sweet enough, but I don’t have high hopes. Mainly because I don’t think he creates or even sells cologne….he just owns it.
OWNING COLOGNE DOES NOT AN OCCUPATION MAKE, Jean Blanc.
Colton is 26 years old and a professional football player. My first impression of him is that he was wearing a velour hoodie and perhaps a leather sleeved tee…AND I WAS OUT. But ladies, I spoke to soon. He played for the San Diego Chargers until he had an injury and made the decision to leave the sport. This is when he turned it around y’all. He shared with us how his sweet little cousin was born with Cystic Fibrosis, so he started a National charity to support individuals with CF. Colton, YOU DO YOU and wear a velour hoodie if you want to. I’m here for it. #ilovevelourhoodies
Okay, Harrison! Grab the hose and spray down the driveway! It’s time to meet our guys!
Colton was first out of the limo, and he started things off with a bang. Remember, we already love him because he started a foundation.
This guy popped out, and he was giving me strong Diggy vibes. But remember, he’s the guy with the cologne obsession. He had her say “Let’s do the damn thing” in French, and as he was walking away Becca said “he smells so good”. And all of a sudden, I was a believer in his Colognoisseur abilities.
Grocery Store Man got out of the limo and forgot everything he was going to say. I thought he was cute.
Leo is a 31 year old stuntman from Studio City California. He exited the limo with an enviable top knot. His face was cute enough, but when he let his hair down, I lost the ability to see anything but his overly aggressive curly mane.
Jordan got out of the limo and had a silent dramatic pause while he pensively buttoned his suit jacket. He looked up right as he was making his first step towards her (as if he had practiced that move a hundred times) and flashed her what he most obviously thinks is a million dollar smile. It was all very strange. He then told the camera that he wanted Becca to hear his shoes because “the tapping of his shoes was like the heartbeat of a gentleman“. Is he for real? WHERE OR WHERE do they find these guys. After entering the house, he went on to tell the guys that he spent 6 hours hand selecting his outfit and that he hoped it was going to pay off. We shall henceforth refer to this tool as Zoolander.
I know it’s technically to early to call this since we’re only like 25 minutes in, but I see Zoolander and Krystal finding each other in Paradise.
Mike is a 27 year old sports analyst from Ohio, and he had 2 strikes against him in the first 5 seconds.
He brought out a cardboard cut out of Arie – STRIKE 1. He rocked a man bun – STRIKE 2.
Garrett pulled up in a minivan. He’s a 29 year old sales manager from Nevada, and he claimed that he wanted to be a good husband and father someday, hence the mini van. This was one of my favorite entrances ever!!! Well played, Garrett. Driving the kids to practice is more romantic than Becca knows right now. #amirightmamas
Blake is a 28 year old sales rep from Colorado. Blake was one of the few that got to meet Becca at After The Final Rose when he rode up on a horse and told her “When you fall of the horse, you get to bet back up again.” This time he rode up on an ox and said “His feelings are already strong as an ox”. It was cheesy as all get out, but he seemed to pull it off. I’m thinking the pinky rose blanker was a misstep, but whatevs.
Then this guy (Kamil) hopped out of the car with sequined sneakers and his occupation was listed as “social media participant “. Huh? What?
He called Becca over to meet him (like you would call a dog), and said a relationship should be equal. BUT THEN HE SAID, “ACTUALLY 60/40“…and then he was 60 in the scenario and she was 40. I was like how about I sixty your forty, buddy. I have no idea what that means, but I thought it sounded good.
Jake, a 29 year old Market Consultant from Minneapolis introduced himself. And Becca let us know that they had met each other on multiple occasions. #interesting Trent, a realtor from Florida rolled up in a hearse. Explained that he “had died” when he found out Becca was the Bachelorette.
David, a 25 year old Venture Capitalist from Colorado hatched out of the limo in a chicken suit. He clucked her name “Beh-kuhhhh” and claimed he wasn’t there to “ruffle feathers” and he hoped they would have an “egg-cellent” relationship. BA-DUM-CHING. It was obviously cheesy, but I didn’t hate him. I appreciated he was committed to his chicken role. He clucked and strutted his way all over the mansion. And as Becca said, I too like chicken nuggets.
Chandler’s one time roommate Eddie got out of the limo next. #justkidding #ithink But you have to admit, the resemblance is uncanny. He’s more handsome, but they could be twins. Right? His name is actually Chris, but we shall call him Eddie.
Eddie is actually a 30 year old sales trainer from Florida, and he said he knew he needed to win over Uncle Gary (I like that he was paying attention). AND HE BROUGHT A GOSPEL CHOIR WITH HIM. I liked it. And I’m imagining Uncle Gary did too.
All right, that’s enough of the limo entrances…
TIME FOR THE COCKTAIL PARTY!
Connor stole her away first, popped some champagne, and seemed to make quite the impression. But then he self proclaimed that he was smooth. You can’t call yourself smooth Connor. That negates all smoothness.
Clay took her aside next, and they played with modeling clay. When Clay dreamed this up in his head, I’m guessing he was thinking more Ghost a la Demi Moore, but instead he got Blue’s Clues.
Christon, a formal Harlem Globe Trotter, then took her out to the court and showed her some tricks. He jumped had her hold the ball over her own head and then JUMPED OVER HER.
Becca sat down with Blake (the horse/ox guy), and he laid down some serious truth bombs. He shared a bit about a past relationship and said “If I was able to love the wrong person so much, how much would I be able to love the right person?” She 100% identified with his words and obviously felt a connection.
The chicken guy swept her up enough to get her to do the chicken dance with him. And then he took off his chicken head. And the dude was CUTE.
Zoolander continued to prove to America that he is a total tool. Not only did he take 6 hours to pick out his own outfit and find reasons to make fun of everybody’s else’s outfits, he clearly thought that he was better than chicken boy. He said, “You’re wearing a chicken suit, don’t talk to me.” I’m sorry, Zoolander. You and your brows both only wish you could be as cool as chicken boy.
Garrett gave Becca a quick fly fishing lesson and it reminded her of her hometown and her family.
So the biggest (and dumbest) drama of the night happened between these two. Eddie (that’s what we’re calling him anyway) called Chase out and said that Chase’s ex-girlfriend said he wasn’t there for the right reasons. Now, the situation is complicated. Chase said that he dated this girl for like 2 weeks…..it was years ago….and he doesn’t even know what the text said….but he’s sure it was mean and wrong. But Eddie’s story was more that they were boyfriend/girlfriend and that she knew that he wasn’t there for the right reasons because he wanted to further his marketing business.
Becca seems annoyed with both of them, but Eddie brought a gospel choir with him….so that is going to without a doubt help his staying power.
Jake from Minnesota sat down with Becca, and she questioned his motives for being there since he’d never shown any interest before. I mean, they had been together on multiple occasions with mutual friends, and he had never acted interested. His initial argument was that he only recalled meeting her one time before, even though it had been several different occasions. Not the best argument, buddy. After that, I thought he made a pretty good case for himself. STILL, THE GIRL SENT HIM HOME. Becca was cleaning house.
And then Garrett, THE MINIVAN MAN, got the first impression rose!
WHO GOT ROSES
Lincoln, Blake, Ricky, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex (WHO?), Nick, Trent (DOUBLE WHO? I’ve never seen this guy before.), Colton (YES M’AM!), David (the Chicken), Zoolander, Leo, Mike, and Eddie (Chandler’s roommate).
WHO WAS SENT PACKING
Joe the Grocery Man (Noooooooooooo! CLEAN UP ON AISLE 6! MY HEART IS IN BITS AND PIECES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!), Kamil (You can 60 that 40 Kamil. Still not sure what that means.), Chase (the guy whose alleged “girlfriend” sent the text), Darius (I have no idea.), Grant (I have no idea.)
I would like to point out that Zoolander called himself eye candy. And later in the season, he says “a lot of professionality comes with this face”. I’m going to love to hate this guy. I feel like he and the Wha Boom guy of yore could be great friends.
Summer Sale Alert!
Before you go, I have an AWESOME SALE ALERT! This embroidered top just went 40% OFF!
Are you in need of a top that’s a little special? Well, look no further because this top is DARLING. Yes, it’s long sleeved, but that’s where the heaviness ends. The blue and white colors, the light and airy balloon sleeves, the tassels, and the embroidery all scream SUMMER! And notice the pretty little scalloped hem! For size reference, I’m wearing a small, which is true to size for me. I’m wearing a 2R in the jeans (I sized down 1), and the wedges are true to size.
Click HERE to see the original post. I also styled the top with my must have wedges and a really fun circle pom pom bag!
See y’all back here on Friday for an awesome edition of Friday Favorites!
If you’re new here and want to see what we do around here when there’s not a Bahclorette to recap, you can click around. Click HERE for inspiration for WORK and WEEKEND WEAR. If you’re in need of a summer dress, click HERE for tons of inspiration! If you want to pick up a little goodie for yourself for UNDER $25, I have lots of great items highlighted HERE.
And if you want to link up for What’s Up Wednesday, you can do it here!