Okay, girls.
I don’t have it in me.
Like I literally CANNOT write a full recap.
It’s just not possible.
I wish I could, but I can’t.
Wait.
That’s not true.
I don’t even care that I can’t. I blame Mike Fleiss and the 5 hours of programming.
I will instead share with you some random thoughts. Some musings, if you will.
But before I do…if you haven’t read yesterday’s recap, you must do that now. Because this was me at the end of Monday’s show. Seriously, go read it. You definitely need the back story before you start on today’s post.
MUSING #1: Poor Lauren. That’s right. Poor Lauren. Not poor Becca.
MUSING #2: My girlfriend Cassie texted me and was like “THEY SENT BECCA HOME IN COACH? IN A MIDDLE SEAT?” Seriously, ABC. Let’s try and show just a tiny bit of respect here. Bump the girl up to first class and give her a little room to breathe. And cry. And drink tiny vodkas.
MUSING #3: Becca’s color is eat your heart old gold lame.
MUSING #4: I LOVE BECCA for so many reasons. She’s classy, she’s quick witted, and she just seems like a girl’s girl! Harrison shared with her that viewers had donated over $6,000 through Venmo to treat her to a drink or 74,000, and she pledged to donate the money to Stand Up To Cancer. I really want to be this girl’s friend.
MUSING #5: Just because Arie kept saying the words “guilt” and “shame” doesn’t mean he actually felt those emotions. He continued to seem rather apathetic about breaking Becca’s heart.
MUSING#6: It thrilled me to pieces that Rizzo finally decided to wear a bra. But I have to say, this wasn’t quite what I had in mind.
MUSING #7: I was never #teamapple, but last night I started to genuinely dislike her. She had NO REGARD for Becca, and she talked about how proud she was of Arie and how he handled things in the most respectful way possible. Let’s all lol together.
MUSING #8: Arie said he and Lauren talk on the phone for 3 hours a day. That’s impressive considering LAUREN DOESN’T TALK. I imagine it to be 3 minutes of “I love you’s” and 2 hour and 57 minutes of “You say good-bye….No, you say good-bye……No really, you say good-bye.”
MUSING #9: Arie and Lauren deserve each other. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t amused that the studio audience was totally underwhelmed and COULDN’T CARE LESS about the proposal.
MUSTING #10: This was Bekkah watching the proposal. I felt as if she represented America. Bekkah was all of us watching the proposal.
MUSING #11: #girlpower
MUSING #12: I am PUMPED that Becca is the new Bachelorette. So far, I am definitely partial to the banjo player. He was adorable.
That’s it.
That’s all I’ve got.
I’m going to go reward myself for getting through this season by stuffing a party burrito in my face. #withqueso #andguac #becausedecisionsarehard
And truth be told, I also rewarded myself by doing a little retail therapy at 40% OFF. Just click on what you are interested in seeing. All these pieces are on their way to me, and I’ve got high hopes!
If you can’t tell, I’M READY FOR SPRING.
Denise says
Spot on girlfriend with your recap! This season exhausted me! It was always painful watching Lauren and Arie together … but I hope they can be happy. Who am I to deny anyone love … even if it will be fleeting.
Diane says
I had the same thought about Bekkah’s bra shirt! Lol. And look at you ordering a sassy strapless jumpsuit from Loft! I can’t wait to see it on you!
Linda says
Thanks for getting us through the season. Your recaps rock! I agree with all of your musings especially the one regarding Lauren and your thoughts on the banjo guy!! I’m looking forward to seeing more of him!
How could Lauren say that Arie broke up with Becca in the most respectful way possible when she stated that she didn’t even watch it!?!? I thought she came off cold and clueless. Although pretty, I felt that blue dress she wore was so perfect for an ice princess. Even with that being said, I hope that she she gets what she wants from and needs from Arie.
Kudos to girl power! We need that now more than ever!
Rest up Sheaffer! Becca’s Bachelorette Journey is right around the corner!!!
Gina says
In Arie and Lauren’s 3 hour conversation you forgot they both say “like” every other word! Rizzos outfit was horrible…..so glad she was at the bottom of the pile when all the girls were there on the couch with Becca. So happy she’s the next Bachelorette!
Dorinda Doft says
Like you say like goodbye like first ????
Cheri says
I love your recaps they are so funny and so true. This post I love your musings #8 you pin pointed that one to a tee. If I was Lauren I am not sure with everything that happened that I would have wanted “MY” proposal right there on stage…not romantic Arie.
Kate says
Love your recaps! So funny and spot on! Arie and Lauren aren’t sorry about anything. They deserve to be self absorbed together. I loved Bekah’s reaction to the proposal. No one cares Arie & Lauren. This is just my opinion, but Arie cheated on Becca. Not physically, but emotionally by talking with Lauren in secret while he was engaged to someone else. And he didn’t break up with Becca till he knew Lauren would take him back. At least he could admit he could have handled it better. Oh well. Becca certainly dodged a bullet there.
Let’s hope Becca has some decent guys this season. And that she gets better than a yurt with no indoor plumbing. And gets to see someplace awesome like Machu Picchu instead of meeting a llama.
Monica says
I don’t even watch it on tv because I love your recaps so much! Thank you for saving me hours of television time I can spend doing other things…like shop!
Pat says
My preference is for Becca and Chris Harrison to get together!!!! Wonderful recap reading !!!!!
Sharon says
Oh I thought that same thing. They have chemistry!
Melissa says
YES!
Rachel says
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing these hilarious recaps allllll season long! hahaha I know it takes a lot of will power to get through hours of bachelor footage and then write about it, but I really look forward to them every week! YAY for Becca being the next bachelorette! Can’t wait for her season! xo
Becky says
Yes yes and yes!!! I thought the same thing when they showed her in a MIDDLE seat???!!! And the banjo guy was adorable! You are hilarious and these recaps are awesome. I look forward to them!!!! Lauren and Arie deserve each other…they are both boring as rocks!
Valerie says
Thanks for all the great musings and quips this season. I never fail to think of you and what you will write when there is something entertaining that happens during an episode.
I genuinely LOL’d at #8!
PS. I actually think that Arie and Lauren will get married and find a way to make it last. And we will still not care.
Laci says
Yes! Yes to all of this! Treat yo self girl!
April Parrish says
Let’s be honest- Arie couldn’t handle Becca because she is perfect! A strong, independent woman who knows what she wants…Lauren is the complete opposite-insecure & shy! Arie needs to feel like a hero and he can do that with Lauren!
All of your recaps have been so funny and I love them!
Have a great day!
Lindsay says
A++ to all your musings. Also, I’m SO GLAD someone else was upset about Becca’s middle seat on the reject plane back to Minnesota. #rude
Bekka M. wearing a bra AS a shirt- I’m dead
Her face during the proposal- it’s the new Ashley I face
Kuddos to you for watching the new guys meet Becca. I #couldn’teven after 5 hours of drama
Leah says
I adore you. This is so bleeping funny because it’s so accurate. You and Becca def seem like you’d be friends and she deserves way better than Arie. #teambecca #ariewho
Julie Bradford says
HAHAHAHAHAHA these are soo great!!! you are just hilarious and thanks for bearing through the pain with us.. 5 hours in 2 nights was absolutely ridiculous and some of us still did it…we couldn’t stop the train wreck! Can’t wait for Becca’s season and your recaps!
YOU ROCK!
Anna S says
I’d like to personally thank you, Sheaffer for saving hours of my life. I did not watch a single episode this season. Instead, I read your recaps which did not disappoint. Your witty sarcasm brings me joy. I always looked forward to sitting down with a cup of coffee and joining you here. Can’t wait for next season! 🙂 Being a MN gal, I think I’ll actually watch Becca’s season and read along with you.
Colleen S says
I think Lauren is getting waaaaaaaaaaaaay to much hate! She said point blank she did not watch the finale, and if I was her I would not have either. She was not ever given the chance or opportunity to address Becca or Becca’s feelings so we can’t assume we know how she feels on that. Yes she said she’s proud of Arie but honestly, she’s in love this this man, she was hoping he’d come back for her, and he did. What girl wouldn’t be over the moon the man they loved realized they made a mistake and came running back to us, especially knowing the entire bachelornation was not going to take kindly to it. How Arie did what he did was wrong for sure, no doubts about that. I truly like Lauren (she clearly got an awful edit) and people need to stop hating on and bashing her so hard! Poor thing!
Colleen S says
OH and PS! I do LOVE Becca and I am SUPER pumped for her season. I do also adore your recaps, the best part of the seasons!
Nellie says
Colleen,
Thank you for defending Lauren. None of us know her heart.
As viewers we forget the fact that this is TV show and are unable to discern what is real and what is planned and coerced by the 100’s of staff to make ‘good (like nothing you’ve seen before!) TV’. These people (ABC/producers,etc.) produce show after show where at least one person leaves with a tarnished reputation and becomes the recipient of hate- potentially for life. Meanwhile, they collect their paycheck and head home to the Hollywood Hills ready to do it again the next time.
We are a country that loves to hate on each other especially those in the spotlight, so scandals energize us. I just connected on LinkedIn with a guy who has worked on the Bachelor/ette for years. We went to the same college so I ‘asked to connect’. His job title? Story creator…..hmmm.
I still love to watch the show and love Sheaffer’s recaps, just feel bad for those that become the ‘hated’ when maybe it is not completely deserved.
J says
Speaking of paychecks. . . look up how much Becca was paid to have all that footage aired AND how much she is getting to be the bachelorette. I don’t feel sorry for Becca at all. If she wanted to meet a guy, she could have done online dating. No one forced her (or Arie and the rest) to be on the Bachelor. They all clearly want the fame that goes with it. Listen to the I Hate Green Beans podcast and you’ll hear Some Guy in Austin, an attorney, discuss what the Bachelor contracts look like. Nobody goes into this not knowing what they agreed to do!
Jillian says
Banjo boy was so adorable! He had me swooning. I think Becca will be a great bachelorette! Also, did you happen to see Nick Viall and Dean Unglert’s recap?? SO FUNNY! If you have not seen it, please go watch it. Another great season of recaps!
Rebecca says
So when Lauren first came out, Harrison said “I can’t imagine what’s going through your head right now” and she goes “me neither” and it reminded me of your blog because of course she doesn’t!!! Nothing goes through that head
Sheaffer says
I MEANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT, Rebecca! I was like WHAT? Hysterical!!!! xoxo, Sheaffer 😉
Kate Livingston says
You’re the best, Sheaffer. You speak for all of us, and I am HERE.FOR.IT.
Katrina says
Omg, the photo of Becca and Arie above (musing #5) is perfect! She’s like”what are you gonna do?) and he looks like Derek Zoolander! ????
Becca dodged a bullet in my opinion. Arie seems boring and kinda shallow too.
Jodi says
Ugh, I never liked Arie back in Emily’s season. He struck me as a playboy so I didn’t watch this season. I just couldn’t stomach him to watch any of it. I read all the recaps and his lackadaisical attitude is such a turn off and I’m not surprised he flip flopped. Bye bye Arie, just go away, bye bye now.
Maura says
I am sooooo happy that Becca is the new bachelorette! Only good things for her! But when watching finale #2, I did realize that some of this stuff is asked to be slightly more dramatized by producers, therefore a lot of this stuff probably wouldn’t happen in “real life”. Helps me get through the AWKWARD!! Can’t wait for next season!
Mary says
Lauren came off as tacky, clueless, and extremely self absorbed. I am surprised the other girls don’t have a problem with the fact that she was talking to Arie while he was engaged to Becca and encouraging him to dump her. Because that’s exactly what she was doing when she was “giving him reassurance” that she’d take him back. I hold her just as responsible as Arie. She knew he was engaged to Becca, and she didn’t care. Whining about how hard this has been for HER, saying he handled it with class, claiming that she’s proud, giggling about the whole situation, and then flaunting the relationship and engagement were all just jaw droppingly tacky. She is either an idiot or a total mean girl.
Kate Flikweert says
Great recap – but I’m so confused why everyone is so excited that Becca is the new Bachelorette?? Her fiance just broke up with her less then 2 months ago and if she really claims that she loved Arie that much, I’d think it’d take her a little more time to re-group and get over it before she’d be ready to love again. I mean, I like her and I actually think she’ll make a good Bachelorette, but the timing is off, too soon, in my opinion.
And yes – agreed – already love the banjo-playing guy! 🙂
Deanna says
I totally agree! Really? The guy you thought you were marrying broke up with you just weeks ago, in the worst and most public way, and you’re ready to find new love and get proposed to in a few months? I’m thinking we all got taken just a bit in terms of how this was all edited and shown.
Lynn Duncan says
Arie broke up with a girlfriend just before this season and has now gotten engaged twice. Didn’t stop him from being cast.
Lynn Duncan says
Since Lauren isn’t reading online, I feel free to wonder just how much she will be willing to ignore in this relationship. It isn’t healthy. All she seems to care about is “winning”. But what has she won? Ari e is no prize, but apparently she is actively avoiding any information about him.
????????????
If he is currently in Australia, she is getting to say “Wow” to more of the ???? world so she still isn’t learning what actual life would be for them.I
And she certainly comes across as smug and cold to me.
I would never go post on their social media.
Sheaffer, I love your recaps!!
A
I
cassie {Hi Sugarplum} says
Yes to all of this!!! and I’m #teambanjoplayer Because #hellodimple
Stephanie says
I knew you’d be pumped about Rizzo’s bra…but, yeah, that’s not how I pictured her wearing it, either 🙂
Terra Heck says
I watched the first night of the finale and part of the second night. Shucks, I totally missed the proposal.
I think Arie ended up with Lauren because she doesn’t have a backbone. Also, like you said, she looks a lot like the other chick from The Bachelorette.
I would love to be friends with Becca too. She’s my kinda gal.
Kristy says
No no no. I really like Lauren. Just because she isn’t a talker does NOT make her less than anyone else. C’mon let’s be kind. Arie was upfront with Becca even Becca said he was struggling and he told her that. They should have ended it immediately. They should not have to stay together to appease us !!!! I think Arie and Lauren are good together and just because you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve (Lauren) and tell the world yourb every thought, that doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Stop the hate!!! Ps I love your recaps. They are bombogenesis dot com!!!!
Traci Burnett says
If I had to watch that “man” wring his hands and purse his lips for one more minute I was going to lose my religion!!! We should all celebrate together that we made it through this painful season!!!! Can’t wait to watch Becca rock as the Bachelorette!!! #teambecca #heavenhelpapple
Kacie says
Love your recap! My husband said the same thing about Bekah FINALLY wearing a bra, just for everyone to see. Becca was my fave from the beginning. She’s a Midwest girl (I’m from ND!), and she always seemed like the most genuine and real girl there. I thought she was TOO good for Arie, so although I was excited that he picked her originally… she is better off. Him and boring Lauren deserve each other so much. She’s just so blah and he’s just so, blah. As my husband put it, Lauren was his crush. There was no conversation between the two, unless that was edited horribly and they did actually talk at some point. But, he kept her around because she’s his crush. And, you usually go for your crush versus the person you probably should be with. But like you said, if they’re happy whatevs. Go Becca… and find that love you’re looking for!!
Cheryl says
Coach/middle seat! Ugh. I can’t even.
Jeanine says
Love your recaps! I guess I’m the only one here, though, who has compassion for Lauren and Arie. I think he was honestly torn and tormented by the decision he felt he had to make in the Bachelor bubble. Sure, we can all say now, as does Arie himself, that he should not have asked Bekah to marry him, but hindsight is 20/20 for everyone. Also, we don’t know everything that goes on behind the scenes, and I’d be willing to bet that Arie and Lauren knew that Bekah was going to be named the Bachelorette, and that she was excited about it, before they ever took the stage on the AFTR special. At that point, to ask them to continually say poor Bekah, and we are so sad and ashamed is asking a little much. I feel sorry for Lauren that she didn’t get the first proposal, suffered heartbreak, and now is being villified for it. Also, I’m pretty sure that a lot of us, especially introverts, would find it hard to be our true selves and talk normally with all the cameras around. So, yeah, I hope that Arie and Lauren will be happy together, and that Bekah will find a good man as well, when all is said and done.