Before I start today, I want to apologize for being soooooo behind on e-mails!
I was out of town a couple of times (and not checking e-mail), and that coupled with high e-mail volume AND the fact that when I was home I was using my time to write posts before leaving to go out of town, have all put me crazy behind.
I promise that I will respond, but it might be next week before I get through them.
I read and appreciate all of your e-mails, and you WILL get a response from me, I promise! 🙂
Thanks for being patient in the meantime!!!!
People are mean. People cry. People are stupid. People toot. People are manipulative.
I hate people.
But alas, I pressed on, and you again have some bullet points:
This week we kick off the episode with #hoochieinabottle (this is what we are calling Lauren now – thanks Susan H. for the nickname!) yearning for Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season to show up! She’s “tired of people” (join the club) but more importantly, she’s embarrassing her sister.
Yes, #virgininabottle is embarrassed by #hoochieinabottle’s behavior.
Welcome to Paradise.
Meatball has a high pony.
Why? why? Why.
#hoochieinabottle announces to Tanner and Dan that she’s a mistress.
That right America, she declares that she’s a mistress.
And just like that, we’re changing her nickname.
Henceforth she will be known as #mistressinabottle.
#virgininabottle tells her sister that Paradise was her 1 shot at getting out of the bad news relationship that she’s currently in, and that if she doesn’t leave the guy and stay in Paradise that she will ALWAYS be the mistress.
Did anybody feel the seismic shift in the universe at that point?
Because I’m pretty sure #virgininabottle just became the voice of reason.
She spoke the truth between panic attacks and hyperventilation.
I was impressed.
Joshua arrives on the island.
Try to act surprised.
And we learn through casual conversation that #mistressinabottle doesn’t like the mandated STD tests performed by ABC.
I’m strangely comforted by this piece of information and happy that somebody at ABC is thinking.
#virgininabottle goes OFF THE RAILS when she learns that Sister Mistress is going to leave EVEN THOUGH Joshua is now on the island.
She’s in FULL ON breakdown mode.
And this my friends is what Oprah was speaking of when she coined the phrase “ugly cry”.
But her sister’s tears will not deter our resident mistress from leaving the island.
She packs up her stuff and plods through the sand with her carry-on.
Nobody helps her, and nobody tries to talk her out of it.
Joshua asks Tenley on his date.
They talk high school theatre, Disney Japan, big giant man hands, and they dance.
All the while, JJ is back at the pad trash talking Joshua, and somehow making himself appear as an even bigger dill weed than he already did. Which I’m telling you is hard to do.
Kentucky Joe shows up next on the island, and the word AWKWARD really doesn’t even
scratch the surface.
Everybody was expecting FUNNY Kentucky Joe that’s charming with a hick accent.
But instead they got CREEPY and QUIET Weirdo Joe with a hick accent.
Two very different people.
Joe brings up to Clare that this is her 2nd time on Bachelor in Paradise, and apparently this is incredibly offensive to Clare (for reasons that I do not even pretend to understand).
She’s so upset that she goes off, cries, and talks to a raccoon.
And that’s not a figure of a speech. She actually goes off and talks to a raccoon.
Joshua starts telling anybody who will listen that he has taken molly.
Nobody is impressed.
Everybody over 30 googles “molly”.
The first definition I find says that molly is:
a small, livebearing freshwater fish that is popular in aquariums and has been bred in many colors
The next definition let’s me know it’s a recreational party drug.
And that I should be capitalizing Molly.
Weirdo Joe and Juelia go horseback riding.
They jump in a waterfall and make out.
Juelia is falling for him.
Joe, not so much.
Joe tells producers that he didn’t think she was a good kisser, that she’s not very smart, and yet he wants a rose from her so he can stick around because he’s hoping that Samantha (who?) from Prince Farming’s season will eventually show up.
And then he toots.
I did google “Samantha”, and this is what I found.
Pretty girl, but I have ZERO recollection of who she is.
My Name is Carly, It’s Nice To Meet You tells the world that Juelia is there to look for a husband and a father to her baby.
Might I suggest she look elsewhere.
Tenley confronts Joshua about his recreational drug use by asking in her baby voice if he maybe might possibly know why some people are saying that he maybe might possibly have a drug problem.
I’m paraphrasing of course.
He assures her that he only did drugs that one time (liar) and that he hasn’t partied since college (liar).
Tenley believes him.
My Name is Carly It’s Nice to Meet You is wearing shortalls.
Who sanctioned this?
I will say that I wore a pair of khaki short overalls from Gap at least once a week from 1999-2001.
And I was convinced that I was DARLING.
Man I wish I could find a picture.
Jared gets a date card, and he asks Clare.
I hope production takes a proactive stance and decides to hide the kitchen knives
SAFETY FIRST, PEOPLE.
Dan finds out that Clare doesn’t really like Meatball and for some reason Dan feels compelled to let Meatball know.
Dr. Hunt pops in with a “Mikey’s wedding vision board is ruined.”
He doesn’t get enough air time.
So Dan goes to tell Meatball that Clare doesn’t like him.
But Meatball doesn’t understand.
It’s as if Dan is speaking Mandarin to him and he literally does not comprehend his words.
When he does finally begin to make sense of it all, he becomes enraged.
He’s enraged, and I’m confused.
I clearly remember Clare telling him that she wanted to explore possibilities with other people.
Maybe English is Meatball’s second language.
I would like to end the 1st night’s recap with one question,
WHERE ARE YOU CHRIS HARRISON?????
And to give your eyes a break from ROLLING and your hands a break from COVERING YOUR FACE out of second hand embarrassment, I’ve got a SALE round up for you!
Here are lots of great items that I found yesterday from several of my favorite stores.
Think of it as a commercial break for your sanity.
And when you look at the items from LOFT, keep in mind that most of them are an
ADDITIONAL 40% OFF!
All right, back to regularly scheduled programming.
Night 2 begins with Meatball still TICKED OFF at Clare.
CALM DOWN MEATBALL.
I think I’m having deja vu.
But let me again say: Meatball’s ponytail.
Clare and Jared go bungee jumping.
And I don’t know if you know this, but bungee jumping is a lot like love……
but not the afraid you are going to die and get a horrible wedgie from the harness kind of love.
More the getting through hard stuff together kind of love.
I will say this, the screams coming from Clare’s mouth were borderline inappropriate.
And she didn’t say a word.
, Clare goes back to tell everybody about the date.
Is she always breathless when she talks?
Does she have a clear retainer?
Michael from Desiree’s season shows up and immediately admits that he’s got the hots for Tenley.
But he says, “She’s not a Tenley, she’s an Elevenly.”
Michael asks Tenley on his date.
That means Tenley now has “relationships” with JJ, Joshua, and soon to be Michael.
A.K.A. a guy who hits himself, a Mexican drug lord, and Michael.
We all see the obvious choice, why can’t she?
Joshua wishes diarrhea on the new Michael.
Meatball tries to makeout with Juelia.
She shuts him down.
Tenley and Michael go on their date.
They have a private dinner set up in a shallow body of water (don’t ask me) and OUT OF NOWHERE 1,473 Mariachi players show up.
I can’t make this stuff up.
Jared makes it very clear to Clare that he’s just not that into her, mainly because
she’s so much older than him.
32 is the new 22.
Johnathon and Meatball both try to warn Juelia that Kentucky Joe sucks.
She’ll have none of it.
Kentucky Joe starts playing Jedi mind games with everybody.
He makes Meatball feel bad for talking to Juelia about his concerns, and by the end of the conversation, you can tell Meatball wants to be Joe’s bestie and is so thankful that he’s been forgiven.
And then Joe makes Jonathon feel bad….to the point of making him
And before we know it, Jonathon is apologizing to Kentucky Joe..and then to Juelia.
And then he is questioning his own character.
And then Jonathon goes and locks himself in a bathroom so he can sob in private.
And then Kentucky Joe goes in after him, embraces him, and tells him that his
son will be proud of him for owning up to his mistakes.
Somebody needs to kick Joe square in the privates.
Jonathon is wearing some sort of vest with a wife beater under it.
Don’t question your character Jonathon, but consider examining your wardrobe choices in the future.
Please and thank you.
Right before the rose ceremony, Clare launches into a monologue about finding love and manages to alienate everybody by making the claim that none of them are there for the right reasons.
Jade is up in arms.
Ashley gives her rose to Dan.
Jade gives her rose to Tanner.
Carly gives her rose to Dr. Hunt.
But when it’s Clare’s turn, she storms off in tears and we were given a big ol’
TO BE CONTINUED….
You know what would be EPIC….if Huhwahn Pablo showed up.
IMAGINE WHAT CLARE WOULD DO!
COME ON ABC! MAKE IT HAPPEN!
So, for those of you that aren’t aboard the CRAZY TRAIN with us,
I’ve got some shopping finds for you today!
They are from Nordstrom.
AND THEY ARE $3.98.
THREE DOLLARS AND NINETY EIGHT CENTS.
They are a fun alternative to a stud when you just want something simple.
*There is a special promotion going on right now that if you spend over $100 on Kendra Scott jewelry, you get a black python wristlet for free!
(chambray shirt and linen shorts both sold out)
Receive a black faux-python wristlet with your $100 Kendra Scott jewelry purchase. A $70 value. Online only. One per person, while supply lasts. Gift will be added automatically in Checkout, can only be shipped to the same destination as your order and cannot be shipped to international addresses. If you return the qualifying item(s), please return the gift as well.
Here’s a picture of the wristlet:
I love the other brass necklace I have and wear it all the time, so I thought this would be fun to throw into the rotation.
I loved the price tag as well. $18.
And I’m not sure if you saw my post on Friday, but I HIGHLY recommended 2 pairs of flats for teachers (or really anybody who is on their feet all day)!
When I posted on Friday, the site was missing many of the colors below, but now they are available!
Click HERE for the Sam Edleman Felicia flat in solid colors.
These shoes are STUPID comfortable. I mean, the Vince Camuto Ellen flats are comfortable (I have the bisque patent and love them, and I’m probably going to get the new metallic!), but these are STUPID comfortable. They are basically one step away from feeling like house shoes.
Some say they are true to size, some say to size up (for both the solid colors and the leopard).
I’m sometimes a 6, more often a 6 1/2, and the 6 1/2s are perfect on me.
See y’all back here on Friday!
My friend Shay has a contest going on over on her blog where you can win a $500 VISA GIFT CARD! Click HERE and enter! Good luck!
What happened to Kentucky Joe?!?! He is Joedouche now. Virgininabottle acts like a 9 yr old….wait my 9 yr old acts more mature than that.
Erika Slaughter says
I was thinking the same thing. What happened to Joe?? Did he just get good editing on The Bachelorette because he didn't act like this at all!
That brass necklace is adorable!! Also, I'm not watching BIP but I am laughing so hard at this recap!! So funny!
"Mikey's wedding vision board is ruined." was the best line of all grueling 3 hours.
"People are mean. People cry. People are stupid. People toot. People are manipulative.
I hate people." YES!
Why do we watch this?!?!
I will say that I press through and watch the "after" show and it helps some. Without all of ABC's editing, the women and men seem pretty normal.
Joe was fairly normal on the Bachelorette but seems wackadoodle on BIP. Editing? Who knows?
I never liked joe from last season and now what he's doing to Juelia I dislike him even more!! Poor Jonathan and meatball. Why does joe have this power over them? I keep forgetting to record the after show and it makes me so mad. I'm also surprised that Jared went back and made out with Ashley I. I find him normal and Ashley not so much. I think he should go for Jade but he's probably too nice to do that. Overall, love the recap!!
Laura P. says
Any thoughts on the Sam Edelman flats versus Tieks?? I keep gearing up to buy Tieks and chickening out. Thanks! 🙂
Hi Laura! I get this question a lot. I have two pairs of Tieks that were sent to me by the company, and I love them both. I rarely talk about them because most people say they are out of their price range. So..I DO love them. For me, I don't find them to be that much more comfy than the Felicia flats, so they personally wouldn't be worth the increased price. HOWEVER, I've had many readers tell me that Tieks have been nothing short of a life-saver for them. Apparently if you have "problem feet", then Tieks are the best there is! Hope this bit of insight helps! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Laura P. says
Thank you SO much! I appreciate the insight…time to buy some shoes:)
Kelley Cerny says
"Is she always breathless when she talks? Does she have a clear retainer?" has to be my favorite line from this whole recap! You.Are.Hilarious. I almost would rather read your recaps than watch the show!
Sarah Kuykendall says
Thanks for all your work doing these recaps. I love this franchise but this is hard to watch, even for me! Lauren had a great walk of shame! I read that Joshua claimed he was telling a story about a "friend" using Molly and they edited it to seem like it was his story. Ummm hmmm…. I hope sweet Juelia runs away from Kentucky Joe ASAP!
Love this recap mixed with some cute jewelry and clothing finds!
Jackie T. says
I can vouch for the Sam Edelman Felicia as well…I have 5 pairs and love them all, and my feet have more issues than Vogue. I have always worn a .5 size larger in this particular style. Mine have never stretched out on me either.
Anne B. says
Your recaps are hilarious!! I agree 100% with all your comments and hashtags!
in very interested to see what happens with Jared… will he scoop someone else up; surely he doesn't end up with #virgininabottle!!
And Tenley… I hope she finds love, I liked her on the bachelor; but why Joshua?! Not a good fit.
Your recaps are freakin' hilarious.. and SPOT ON might I add!! Also, I'm going to buy that chevron necklace NOW!! 🙂
Crazy train! I'm on!
I was watching it this week and was totally looking forward to reading your recap!! I just wonder what happened with Kentucky Joe. And I was dying when Clare was talking to the raccoon. Like really!
Keisha Dawson says
I got up a little early this morning just to finish the second episode in time for your recap. It is seriously a highlight to my week!
Lacey Salmon says
Hilarious recap!! Thanks for mixing in the sale items too!
I don't even watch that trashy show but totally get a kick out of your highlights. You're a hoot!!
I have a serious questions here… Did Claire really bungee jump in that bikini top? With her girls just hanging out? Gotta love your pre-kids "girls". Seems dangerous to me. HAHA!
Hi sheaffer, I absolutely love love love the barrington Nantucket grey chevron tote. However, it is too expensive for me. Do you have any other suggestions of totes that are similar that you love, but maybe a little less expensive? Thanks!!! Michelle diniakos
Hi Michelle! Hmmmm….I will keep my eyes peeled for a splurge vs. steal for this! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Thanks sheaffer! You are the best! 😉
This show is too creepy to watch . . .your recaps, however, are hysterical!
Staci Ford says
So glad I'm obviously not the only one who noticed Clare's inappropriate moaning while bungee jumping. I was squirming in my chair from feeling so uncomfortable. Love love LOVE your recaps!
You, my friend, are freaking HILARIOUS!!! #keepin'thecrabsatbay…LMAO!!!?
Erin Ressler says
Every week when I read your recaps I wonder why in the world do I watch such a ridiculous show. When reading the recap it just sounds so pathetic…but SO flippin funny. Thanks again for taking time to recap. You must take notes through the whole show to remember all the drama!
Anyone else getting a kick out of the BIP show intros? So cheesy, but I love them!
I thought I was the only one wondering if Clare had a clear retainer for years now! Love it!!
Lindsay Truax says
As usual, your recaps don't disappoint!! Love those Sam Edleman flats!!
Girl. The shortalls. The shortalls. I wore some of those too and am convinced (twenty years later) that they fully contributed to my need for a C-section with my second kiddo. There should be nothing pulling on you down there from shoulder straps. 'Nuff said about that.
I thoroughly enjoyed your recap, once again! Thanks for the chucks. 🙂
I started watching Bachelor In Paradise for the first time this season because I love your recaps. Too funny!