Bachelor in Paradise started this week, and it was on FOR 4 HOURS!
FOUR. HOURS.
Like TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY MINUTES.
ABC.
Why are you doing this to me?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
I had planned on recapping the show UNTIL I found out it was on 2 days per week, and did I mention FOUR HOURS.
But when I put it out there that I might not do recaps, people were up in arms. 🙂
(Which I have to admit, was nice to hear! Thank you!)
So, I’ve decided to do something different for the Paradise crew.
I’m simply going to bullet point some highlights from each episode.
Recapping 4 hours a week might have put me in an early grave…but bullet points?
Bullet points I can handle!
Andrea and I are working on naming this little series, and working titles include:
“Oh No She DIH-UNT” and “CRAZY TRAIN” .
We haven’t come up with anything that we love yet, so feel free to leave ideas in the comments!
Buckle up girls and get your antibacterial sanitizer ready.
If the previews are any indication, we’re going to be bathing in that stuff and possibly gargling it by mid-season.
LET’S! GET! STARTED!
#comeonharrison
#showmesomeleg
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One of the first to the island was #virgininabottle.
And she brought her sister who seems to be the opposite of wholesome.
We shall call her #permiscuousinabottle .
(There were several other nicknames that I tossed around, but my parents read here, so I refrained.)
#keepingitclassy
Harrison informs everybody that if one sister gets a rose, the other one will get a rose by default.
#packagedeal.
Plain and simple, these siblings are T.V. GOLD.
Can you imagine the parents of these two having to watch this all season long?
God Bless ’em.
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Just stop.
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#andiloveher
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Am I Right?
Other cast members arrive and I find myself wondering who is going to be wiggling by week’s end.
Harrison shows up and basically says if you aren’t wiggling with somebody, you’ll probably be sent home. Yes, I paraphrased, but that’s essentially what he said.
HOW IS THIS ON T.V.?
WHY DO WE WATCH?
*
Seriously though.
Marcus seemed a bit confused. But I’m thinking he might have been suffering the effects of a heat stroke.
#medic
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My name is Carly, it’s Nice To Meet You promises to bring some hilarious one liners this season. I’m certain that I’m going to continue to love this girl.
But I’m just as certain that she needs to reconsider her smokey eye in the island heat.
*
#virgininabottle and Jared go on a date.
And although this is just implied, I’m quite sure she’s already picked out their
wedding colors and china.
*
Jade and Tanner go on a date. He thinks it’s cool beans that she was in Playboy.
*
My Name is Carly It’s Nice To Meet You and Dr. Hunt are basically boyfriend/girlfriend.
*
#virgininabottle needs some mood stabilizers STAT.
Between crying fits, she said “I am the pickiest princess alive, but I have to hold out for my Aladdin.“
Um yeah, good luck with that.
And by the way, she is AND I QUOTE “wearing her Jasmine bikini” here.
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#crazyeyesashley gets carted off in an ambulance, but we have no idea why.
And if you think you’re ever going to find out why, then you’re sorely mistaken.
*
Meatball shows an interest in Claire, and since everybody else seems to already be paired off, she asks him on her first date.
And they go to tantric yoga.
#ican’teven
But I did lol when she said “OMG, I’m going to have to rub privies (pronounced pry-veez) with Mikey on a first date.” Meatball is totally into Claire. Claire is not yet feeling Meatball.
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Paradise is crawling with crabs.
And I think we’re kidding ourselves if we think these are the only crabs around.
*
#crazyeyesashley gets the date card and takes Dan, her male nurse.
They are totally digging each other.
*
Tenley is seen talking to Jared, and this sends #virgininabottle into a tail spin.
She proclaims to her sister that she will die “old and alone”.
And with each passing second I’m thinking that it’s a real possibility BECAUSE GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF PRINCESS.
She tells Jared that she likes him, thinks he’s really cute, and she tries to claim him as her own.
And although he basically tells her he wants to keep his options open, she doesn’t seem to really hear him.This is what she thinks he says sings to her:
I can show you the world. Shining, Shimmering Splendid.
You get the idea.
(Sidenote: if you are less worried about her mortality and more interested in her stack
bracelets, go HERE.)
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Tenley throws her pride out the window and kisses JJ.
Anything to NOT get kicked off first, huh Tenley?
She even called him adorable.
What the What?
JJ may be a lot of things, but adorable would not be an adjective at the top of my list.
I will tell you this, every time I see Tenley I find myself hoping against all hope that she will perform another interpretive dance like she did for ol’ Pavelka.
#fingerscrossed
*
JJ gives his rose to Tenley, which means Jillian is going home this week.
And she’s taking her new boobs with her.
So that’s it for my Bachelor in Paradise commentary this week!
Remember to leave comments with ideas for names of the Paradise recaps series!
Before you go, I know it’s been ALL NORDSTROM ALL THE TIME for 3 weeks, so I thought it was time to mix it up with some great finds from a couple of my other favorite stores:
Anthropologie and Old Navy!
I popped in to Anthro because I was looking for a special and unique top for an upcoming event I’m getting ready for (more details on that later)….and Anthro is always the place to go when looking for unique and special!
This dolman sleeve top really surprised me. I was immediately drawn to the pattern, but the shape of it scared me. I thought there was NO WAY it could be flattering. One of the salesgirls working the floor saw me pick it up, look it over, and then place it back on the rack. She urged me to try it on and said that so many people loved it. Well, she was right!
Click HERE for the top.
For size reference, I’m wearing an x-small, so I suggesting sizing down.
exact earrings / similar white ankle jeans ON SALE / similar sandals by same maker/ watch
I thought this next top was so sweet.
It’s expensive, but it’s gorgeous.
Click HERE for the floral top.
For size reference, I’m wearing a small, so I think it’s true to size.
It has a gathered elastic band at the bottom that can either be worn down or tucked under.
I liked it with my white jeans, but I think it would look great with basic blue jeans too. And if you picked up a pair of grey jeans during the anniversary sale, I think it would look great with those as well!
exact earrings / similar white ankle jeans ON SALE / similar sandals by same maker/ watch
This next top was recommended to me by a different girl on the floor. I almost passed it by because the material made it seem so dressy. Well, she urged me to try it on, and I’m so glad she did! From the material, to the unique color combination, to the cut, to the detailing on the back (see online picture)….I loved everything about this top.
Click HERE for the top. Click HERE for the necklace.
For size reference, I’m wearing a 4 in the top, so I think it’s true so size.
exact earrings / similar white ankle jeans ON SALE / similar sandals by same maker/ watch
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OLD NAVY is having quite the sale (that ends today)!
GAP is too.
I bought plenty of stuff for myself at the Anniversary Sale, so this sale was about getting new basics for Carter (I got him 5 pairs of pants, 3 shirts, a pack of underwear, and a pair of slip on tennis shoes for Under $100!)
Get 25% OFF of ALL purchases, get 30% OFF if you spend $75, and get 40% OFF if you spend $100 or more.
My favorite military jacket is back in stock (found HERE)!!!
For size reference, I’m wearing a petite small.
I shopped the sale for Carter (bought TONS of stuff) and threw THIS navy gingham popover in my cart (far right on the top row) before I even knew what I was doing.
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It’s affordable (under $100!), and it would be a great fall bag.
If you are one of those that is hesitant to mix black and brown, this bag takes all of the guess work out of it! And OH MY WORD at the studs.
It’s a great size, and I really like that you can zip the top to keep it closed.
Love.
Adore.
Clic HERE for the bag.
And please, feel free to “ooh” and “ah”
Narci says
So funny!! Also, I love that military jacket!! So cute!! 🙂
Stephanie says
Can you show us what you bought Carter? I have a love/hate relationship with Old Navy pants for boys. So it'd be nice to see what you got for him. Just sweats? Jeans? Thanks!
Sheaffer says
Hi Stephanie! I bought him a pair of knit drawstring pants, a pair of sweatpants, a pair of sweat shorts, camo elastic waistband pants, and then the same pair of camo pants in grey. They were all so cheap that I just had to try them out!
Stephanie says
Awesome – thanks!! Would love to see more posts about boys clothes! I have three of them and get so caught up reading about girls clothes I can never buy….
Anna Kate says
Love your recaps! I guess Jillian's black box went with her, too! ?
Erika Slaughter says
#virgininabottle had me laughing all night. Every time I turned around she was crying again!!
mapleandmagnolia says
Ashley's sister = #hoochieinabottle. ?
Sheaffer says
YES!!!!! I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!! What's your name? I want to give you credit for it next recap!!!!!!
mapleandmagnolia says
Lol…its Susan Haskins. Love these recaps!
MrsBees says
I finally watched it last night. It's painful. Painful Paradise.
Karen says
Thanks for doing the recaps!! I'm stuck at home potty training a strong willed 2 year old so I needed your humor. ?
Anonymous says
Im sorry, I know you mustve posted your jacket size before, but can you confirm? 🙂 I thought I missed out on that item last year, but Im happy to see it stocked! I will follow it and wait for a sale…… Thanks
Sheaffer says
Hi there! I'm wearing a petite small! You'll love it!
She's a big star says
I read yesterday that wedding was just for the show… not legal by any means! Why do they play with my emotions like that?! Haha!
Lisa St Peter says
You make me laugh! Love the recap.
Leigh Clark says
I love the dolman sleeve shirt — too cute!!
MrsBees says
Did you watch After Paradise? It's worth watching the 4hrs to hear Chris and the other hosts discuss the show.
Sallie says
Only reason I watch that trashTV is to semi-understand your posts and recaps! Love them….so please continue! 🙂 My morning entertainment with a good cup of coffee! I know they are work, but we'll take anything you give us!! Ha ha!
Courtney Bartlett says
Sheaffer, you said exactly what I was thinking the whole time I was watching! It was like a car accident, I wanted to look away but was just so mesmerized by it all! I know #virgininabottle makes for "good tv" but I just can't handle her! And when she kept talking about Tenley being old I wanted to throat punch her! (Probably because I'm older but somehow still feel like I'm a peer to these people, even though I'm married with three kids!) I love so many of these girls, but I just kept wondering why they didn't have more up do's and a little less makeup. I know I'd be melting out there! You've gotta keep the recaps coming, they are a highlight to my week!
Emily R. says
My only thoughts on BIP this far are, 1.) Jillian needs to lay off the muscle milk and roids… girlfriend comes on a little too strong. 2.) Ashley I. is crazy.. dare I say even crazier than Ashley S. seems? (and if you watched After Paradise- she still seems crazy, so I'm thinking it's normal for her). 3.) JJ is a TOOL and a half.
You should title this series… "Bros & Bikinis"… because that's pretty much all this show is lol.
Lindsay Otis says
I do love your highlights and the nicknames are perfect! I agree two nights is much but it is such great tv ha! My husband especially loves the two nights #muchsarcasm
not a mom
Liz/ says
Loving your bullet points – perfect for this season cause it's all kinds of crazy and who in the world wants to recap 4 hours of this train wreck?!! Also, I am not so sure I can handle a whole season of Ashley I. – seriously she cries way too much and is freakin nuts! BUT did you see her on the after show? She seemed way more normal, pry cause she wasn't crying! And Kirk and Dr. Hunt, you nailed it! I knew he looked familiar!!!
Christina says
I have both the cotton field jacket and linen and just can't decide but don't need both. The linen is soft with a little stretch which is nice but cotton is a little more expensive looking. Do you wear yours all day as part of your outfit or just as a jacket when leaving the house? That purse is awesome!
Sheaffer says
Hi Christina! I often wear it all day, depending on the weather! Xoxo, Sheaffer ?
jane says
Does anyone else thing Chris Harrison and Tenley would be a good match?
Meredith says
Sure! Or Harrison and Andi?
Jenna Grace says
Wow, I am dying. I don't have time to watch this season…thanks to college, but now I'm not even sad about it. This is seriously even better than the show! Thanks for being your hilarious self.
http://www.jenna-grace.com
Anonymous says
I love you, S! 🙂
Summer Smith says
Oh my gosh, your recaps are my favorite! I so look forward to reading them. And I have to say, the after show needs you as a guest! Let's start campaigning! I linked to my highlights, but my posts are nowhere near as funny as yours. 🙂
xo, Summer
http://belleandgrace.blogspot.com/2015/08/bachelor-in-paradise.html
Karen Hail says
I so want Chris Harrison to find love!!! Maybe he could do his own show? How would he tell himself it's the final rose though?… "Self, ladies this is the final rose tonight" Maybe former bachelors/ettes could cameo each week to say this special line? Now, that would be great TV!
Emily Morris says
I think Kirk looks more like Chip Gaines (Fixer Upper) than Dr. Hunt. Thoughts?
Anonymous says
Thank you for that Dr. Hunt comparison!!! I was racking my brain trying to figure out who he reminded me of.
Mel says
I love that @virgininabottle wants to "claim her steak" instead of "stake her claim."
Olivia B says
I work at Gap and I know you've been looking for flattering flare jeans. We just got in skinny flare jeans and they are super cute! They come in a lot of different washes too. I'm on the shorter side and they are a great length 🙂
Ann says
Please tell me you will be a guest on "After Paradise". You really must recap that show. I was actually laughing out loud and Harrison is fantastci!
kristinwithani says
HOW IS THIS ON T.V.?
WHY DO WE WATCH?
Preach. I can't not watch! But this time I was on vacation with my mom and we watched in a hotel room. That was weird. She could not get passed Clare talking to the crab. I totally agree about crazy-eyes-Ashley. I think she's brilliant.
Diana Spencer says
If you haven't read about it already the wedding was a fake. As if 4 hours isn't long enough how about cut the fake wedding.
'Bachelor In Paradise' Wedding Was FAKE — The Knot Was Not Tied
http://www.tmz.com/2015/08/04/bachelor-in-paradise-fake-wedding
Unknown says
Bachelor in paradise was so painful! That "recap" after paradise was the biggest waste of time. Why can't I stop watching? It's just TV gold!
giginpink says
Love, love, love your comments and names for the cast!!! I think Claire was feeling Mikey T during their tantric yoga whether she wanted to or not! LOL While reading your recap, the title "Talk To The Animals" came to mind. I even started singing the song. They seem to be talking to even more this year – crabs, birds, raccoons, possible cats and who knows what others animals we will see. Some of the cast can even act like animals at times! (but I must keep it classy!) I definitely think you should be on After Paradise! Do we need to start a Twitter campaign?
Ellen Ross | Ask Away says
Love all your outfits girl!
XO Ellen from Ask Away
http://www.askawayblog.com
Amanda Brezgel says
I want that cute striped Anthro top, but that is way too much to spend on a top!! I missed the second episode of BIP and feel like your recap was sufficient enough that I don't need to watch it. Thank goodness! I love Tenley, but girlfriend needs to find a real man!
Happylife38 says
…and a real voice, the baby voice drives me nuts!!
Lori says
I look forward to your comments on The Bachelor series and now Bachelor in Paradise. I didn't watch the last Bachelorette season because I didn't have time but I felt I was watching it due to your hillarious recaps. Please don't stop, they're part of the highlight of my week, you're awesome!
Brady Wilhelm says
Lol, dying where you said all she heard was, "I can show you the world." SO funny and true! This season is going to be interesting 🙂
Meredith says
I watched BIP for the first time and it was actually entertaining to my surprise. nice recap!
Rachel Dean says
Love love your recaps so thank you for sticking with it!! 🙂
Anonymous says
I saw photos of Jennifer Garner wearing the Bennett Top from Anthro on the Daily mail website!
Alli Harasyn says
The interpretive dance…lol! I'm so glad I am not the only one who remembers that awkwardness. Please let it happen again!
Amber781 says
Hilarious recap!!! And I must agree 4 hours per week is too much! Come on ABC! Also, when JJ was having to decide who to give the rose to at the Rose ceremony I kept waiting for him to slap himself in the face like he did on the Bachelorette… It made me laugh. ?
Anonymous says
I played tball with "Mikey T" when I was 5 and 6 and his dad was the coach who got into screaming matches with the ump every game over calls…in tball…explains a lot about Mikey's persona now! Your recaps are so hilarious, I was laughing out loud in my dentist's waiting room over how Ashley envisioned Jared singing "a whole new world" to her! It must be exhausting to be her and have meltdowns 20 times a day, every single day. She has the emotional maturity of an extremely dramatic 14 year old!
Cuz I'm the mama! says
On the handbag… Which pattern?! Is chevron kinda moving out? Thx.
Sheaffer says
I liked the chevron the best! I think that maybe the bright and colorful chevron might be on it's way out, but I like the graphic black and white! Hope this helps! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂