We are now 3 episodes in, and I LITERALLY CANNOT EVEN.
If you are new here, you need to make sure you catch up on what’s gone down so far in Crazy Town.
Episodes 1 & 2 Recap
In the season 14 premiere, we all assumed that this guy was going to be THE. BIGGEST. TOOL. EVER.
And our hypothesis was confirmed in Episode 2.
I would like to present Exhibit A, Your Honor: Rhyming while wearing undies and wing tips. #theprosecutionrests
So………….what happened this week in Episode 3?
The Bachelorette Season 14 Episode 3 Breakdown
WELL. Spoiler Alert: Our Pensive Gentleman continued to be a scene stealer, and I’m officially both rolling my eyes and gagging. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
GROUP DATE: Wills, Jason, Zoolander, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton.
It’s Time To Relax
Before the group date began with the guys, Becca’s girl gang showed up to be “extra eyes and ears”. The girl gang included: Caroline, Bekah (ya’ll remember Rizzo! and guess what! she was wearing a bra! Well, a bralette! But that counts!) , Sienna, Kendall (she didn’t talk about dead animals y’all), and Tia.
That’s right people, I said Tia. AND YES, Colton was on this date as well.
In front of the other girls, Becca quickly asked Tia about Colton, and Tia basically said it wasn’t that big of deal.
Listen. Tia can go ahead and say all she wants that there’s nothing between her and Colton, but her coy little wave when she saw him said differently. That wave said “I love you and want to have your babies.” #subtext
And this was Colton’s reaction to Tia’s I want to have your babies wave. He certainly didn’t look torn up about it.
I think Becca was nervous about the Tia/Colton thing which is why she totally blanked on Jason’s name when she was introducing everybody. #AWKWARD
But I tell ya, I totally felt Becca’s pian. I’m TERRIBLE with names. I live hard and fast by two rules: 1) Never ask a lady if she’s expecting unless she’s crowning. 2) Don’t say somebody’s name unless you are 120% sure that you actually know their name.
I won’t tell you both of my personal stories that led to the creation of these rules for myself, but I will tell you that we called a neighbor by the wrong name for 2 years. #oops
So the group got all set up for their spa day full of pampering. And it was here that I became worried about the future of ABC. I mean, in previous years, they would have rented out a 5 star spa IN ITALY or something. But not now. Now they set up folding chairs and fill up buckets with tap water. I hope everybody was up to date on their shots.
The guys massaged the girls, they painted toenails, and then the girls painted the guy’s fingernails. It was just about as janky as it sounds
After the spa day, they headed to the group date cocktail party. Becca had 1:1 time with Jason and tried to make up for the her WHAT’S YOUR NAME AGAIN moment by telling him that she has a crush on him. #yeahright #webelieveyou
Cut back to the guys for some real drama.
Chicken confronted Zoolander and asked him about the fact that he had told somebody that he had 4,000 matches on Tinder in 2017. Zoolander played it cool and acted all NO BIG DEAL, but you could tell the boy was proud as he could be about his 4,000 matches.
So Chicken ran and told Becca. Becca seemed a bit annoyed with the chicken’s tattling, but she still managed to humiliate Zoolander by giving him a high five and congratulating him on his 4,000 matches. Which was hysterical. I really do enjoy Becca. I mean, Chicken threw him under the bus, and then our girl backed up and rolled over him again.
Also of importance: Becca’s dress was fab, and my friend found it HERE (Shout Out, Elizabeth)! And it’s 50% OFF!
Zoolander then went to Becca and tried to save face. He was talking about all of his amazing domestic qualities and ended by saying, “I’m a golden retriever.” I was like YOU WISH.
He gave her a hug, and her words told him everything was fine, but her body language said otherwise. Pay special attention to her eyes. They’re crying out for assistance.
When he returned to the group, Zoolander had a pensive monologue for the books. I’ve transcribed it here in it’s entirety because I feel like you need to know exactly what he said. But make sure you read it on an empty stomach, because it will surely induce your gag reflex.
“It’s funny you think I’m a joke. I’m a Wilhelmina model, and I don’t think you know what that means. I have an image, and if you’re trying to tear down my image and my 3 year contract with them, it’s actually pretty serious. It’s what some people consider the top. So if you’re trying to do that, you’re failing at it, because GUESS WHAT. Attached to me is professionality. It’s my face. It’s in everything I do. It’s the way I walk. It’s the way I talk. It’s everything I do. So if you want to try to wreck my image, you’ll never succeed. And you know why? Because my image is me.”
I. LITERALLY. COULD. NOT. EVEN.
I mean, who does this guy think he is? Peter? #hesnotevenclosetomyboypeter
The guy’s reactions to Zoolander’s monologue were priceless. Wills went between covering his face with his jacket to closing his eyes and giggling like a school girl.
And Jason was one step away from eating a pillow.
Becca took Colton aside to make sure that he was there for her. He reassured her that he was in fact there for her, and that seeing Tia did not stir up any lingering emotions. She looked thrilled, and then gave him the rose! WOW. I guess she didn’t see the looks they gave each other. Here’s the deal, I’m all for Colton being the final one standing, especially after I saw the kiss they shared when she handed him the date rose…but I just don’t trust it yet.
And I wish she would have made him pinky swear to never wear the velour hoodie again, but I’m sure that conversation will happen at some point.
The 1:1 Date
Chris – Let’s make your heart sing.
They hopped in a limo and Eddie had no idea what he was in for. They arrived at Capitol Records, and Becca was dressed the part of a rock star in leather pants, a crop top with a blinged out collar, and a leather jacket.
And you’ll never believe who was right there waiting for them. Richard Marx. #seewhatididthere #ilaughedoutloudwheniwroteit
Mr. Marx told them that he was going to help them write their love song. Poor Eddie looked like he might pass out.
They went off in separate rooms to brainstorm and write down their feelings, and I felt sooooooooo sorry for Eddie. Becca left her room to check on him, and it was a very sweet moment. She made him feel comfortable again, and he really needed that. They looked like a couple. But they obviously weren’t a couple yet, because if they were, she would have kindly asked him to not wear the denim jacket with a hoodie.
They went into a recording studio and read what they had written to each other.
Becca said, “Chris. You brought out my smile on this rainy day, and tonight I want to hear more of what you have to say. When I first met you were humming behind me, but from here on out I want you singing beside me.”
He was impressed.
And then it was Eddie’s turn. “Becca, seeing who you were, made me take a risk. That first night out of the limo, different emotions in the mix. Hard for me to break down walls, opening up didn’t seem to exist. But those beautiful eyes breaking down the walls, I couldn’t resist. Your smile captivates me, those eyes give me a hope, the idea of seeing you at the end of this is what I want to envision the most.”
GIRLS. She loved it. Her reaction was so honest, and all of America swooned. Richard Marx even gave a slow clap.
Richard started playing the guitar and singing, You brought out my smile on this rainy day, and tonight I want to hear more of what you have to say.
IT WAS SO GOOD! I wanted to hear more. KEEP SINGING RICHARD! This could be your next hit! Richard continued to play the guitar, and Becca and Eddie swayed back and forth and kissed.
That night they headed to dinner, and here’s what you need to know: BEDAZZLED JUMPSUIT is Becca’s color.
At dinner, they talked about Eddie’s parent’s divorce and how it affected him. He was 7 years old when they got divorced and his dad just left. It was about 5 years ago he wrote his dad a letter, pouring out his heart and asking for a relationship, and his dad shut him down. This is of course why it was so hard to write out his feeling earlier in the day.
Becca was so appreciative that he opened up to her and of course gave him the rose.
They headed down to a big banquet room, Richard serenaded them, and they danced, kissed, and gazed lovingly at each other.
A Bear Attack?
Back at the house, there was an “incident”. We were all lead to believe that something serious had gone down. And most of us probably thought that our pensive gentleman had lost his professionality all over Jason’s face. Guys were saying things like “blood was everywhere” and “it was the worst thing I’ve ever seen”. One guy even said it looked like he’d been “attacked by a bear” and somebody said “I hope he makes it”. I HOPE HE MAKES IT? Good Heavens!
Y’all. David was bloody and being carried out on a stretcher and I couldn’t imagine what had happened.
Harrison showed up at Becca’s place to alert her to what had gone down. In his MOST DRAMATIC EVER fashion, he started out by saying there had been an “incident” and one of the guys was “in ICU”. OMG! Becca asked WHO DID THIS?
But the answer wasn’t a WHO.
WHAT HAD HAPPENED? Had there been a bear attack?
Not even close…
While sleeping, the chicken had fallen off his bunk bed.
And landed on the floor.
On his face.
I mean, a bear didn’t attack him. The floor did. #7yearoldproblems
Tragedy averted, and our resident chicken is going to make a full recovery.
Becca called him to check on him, and he assured her he’d be rejoining the journey as soon as he could.
And I hate to kick a chicken while he’s down, but you know who wouldn’t have fallen off the bunk bed? #GROCERYJOE
Group Date: Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, Jon, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake.
We can tackle anything together.
The guys showed up to a football field, threw on some pads, and ran through some drills.
They scrimmaged against each other, and there’s not a lot to report. Just three things you need to know: 1) The stunt man can’t play football. I’m not sure if he has ever even watched a game. 2) Clay worked hard to lead his team to victory by basically playing every position on the field. 3) The game ended with Clay hurting his wrist and being carted off in an ambulance.
Shaking my dang head. The NFL player was hurt in a scrimmage on the Bachelorette. You know who else is shaking his head? The trainer.
Back at the group date cocktail party, Blake called Becca his girlfriend to her face. I thought she would be annoyed by it, but she was “giddy” (and that’s a quote). Clay returned from the hospital and Becca was all sorts of jazzed to see him there.
She gave the rose to somebody that “makes her feel like such a princess”. Clay was the recipient of the rose.
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
Becca spent some time with several guys, but nothing of note happened. Until Clay sat her down to let her know he couldn’t continue with the show. His wrist injury required immediate surgery, and in order to have the surgery, he had to leave. Sweet Clay was obviously going to make the smart decision, because he not only loves playing football… but his football career also allows him to help support his family. YOU GO, CLAY! WE love you!
And I’m sorry to say, but that was it for the night.
They’re playing with our emotions again, because the rose ceremony won’t be going down until next week.
Several things before you go…
Recent Favorites On Sale
*** THIS MAXI HAS BEEN RESTOCKED! AND IT’S STILL ON SALE FOR UNDER $40! (Go check out SUMMER DRESSES PART 1, where I originally highlighted this dress!)
It’s pajama soft, so comfy, and it will make you look taller and skinnier (than you already are)! I mean, seriously. Tell me I don’t look at least 5’9″!
I’m wearing a small in the dress and a medium in my favorite denim jacket. At 5’4″ with my must have wedges the dress is still long on me, which is great news for you taller ladies!
maxi dress / similar sunglasses / similar earrings from same maker/ Sims necklace / must have denim jacket / must have wedges / $25 clutch
*** These amazing block heel sandals are ONLY $75 today (regularly $138)! They only have 9 reviews, but they are all 5 STARS!
madras plaid top / dotted cardigan / Ann Taylor sunglasses selection / navy ankle pants / block heel sandals / earrings / bracelet
They look great (I love the ankle strap and the block heel), and they are extremely comfortable. I love this cognac color for just a great neutral, but they also come in black, navy, a gorgeous Kelly green, and a really pretty blush. I found them to be true to size. The sales associate helping me (Shout Out, Veronica!) said that she has customers that just rave about them and own this particular shoe in several colors. Click HERE for the sandals!
*** LOFT went 40% OFF EVERYTHING today! They have tons of new stuff, but this square necked embroidered top is at the top of my list.
*** There are a couple of NEW TO SALE or PRICE MATCHED items I want to highlight for y’all. I ordered THE CUTE LITTLE PJ SET (on sale now!) for the blog post I’m partnering with Kopari on in a couple of weeks! This polka dot tie maxi just went 60% OFF!
Okay, that’s it ladies! See you back here on Friday.
Erika Slaughter says
I might have laughed out loud when I read your two rules because those were funny!
Sheaffer, I dont watch the show but come here every Wednesday to read your post. You had me laughing out loud, once again today. xo
Shay Shull says
Girl…you had me rolling!!!
Love your recaps! Wasn’t it David who fell out of the bed?
GINA! You’re right! Thank you so much. I just went and fixed it! I had to make a new graphic and everything!!! 🙂 xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Hilarious! I laughed out loud several times, I haven’t had a chance to see it, yet, but I was already laughing. Thanks!
Narci Dreffs says
Laughing is hard this morning!! Best recap ever!!
Narci Dreffs says
Laughing SO hard this morning!! Best recap ever!! 🙂
“I live hard and fast by two rules: 1) Never ask a lady if she’s expecting unless she’s crowning. 2) Don’t say somebody’s name unless you are 120% sure that you actually know their name.”
YES! True story – I was on a THIRD date with a guy many years ago and we ran into a friend of his, and he introduced me as Lisa….my name is Liz. Ugh.
Your recaps are amazing! I haven’t watched the actual show the last few seasons but I still enjoy reading your recaps each week. This week you had me laughing out loud. So good, Sheaffer! Thanks for a Wednesday morning laugh.
I have some intel on “stuntman.” He’s actually an actor in adult films. (I’m not speaking from experience…the info was given to me from someone else. lol!) Also, I still haven’t watched a second of this season because I don’t need to when I have your blog. Thanks for these amazing recaps!
Gail W. says
You are ON your game today!! If the crowning remark didn’t make me choke on my organic acai pop-tart, then the, ‘I’m a Golden Retriever’ – YOU WISH’, did!! You need to do stand-up – you’re a freakin’ riot!!
Lynn Duncan says
I wonder if that is what Buddy and Charlie thought.. “In your dreams! Being a golden retriever takes heart!”
Was it just me or did no one else notice that the cream colored coat that Becca wore still had the vent in the back stitched together!?
Laurie S says
Ooooh, great recap! I don’t watch the TV show… it would frustrate me to the point of screaming, plus all those commercials… Look forward to more blundering by the guys…Thanks Sheaffer!
Keep doing these damn recaps!(said like Becca)
They are solid gold! ABC is truly missing out on your humor!
Love your recaps…so funny…how is your friend doing with the adoption process and having to give the baby back?? I’ve been praying for them all
Hi, Jackie! Thank you so much for praying! The family and all of us have been so incredibly humbled by everybody’s love and prayers! I hope to have an official update for everybody on Friday. xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
You have the BEST recaps – always spot on and HILARIOUS!
Thanks for another great one!
Hilarious as always! I don’t even watch the Bachelor but I love your recaps.
Shaeffer, I have not been reading your blog as regularly now that only part of the post comes through on the Feedly reader. Please go back to the full feed!
Hi, Serafina! We have been working on this for weeks now, and it looks like we’ve finally found a fix. There has to be a certain code installed on my blog post on Friday, and then hopefully after that, my full posts will start showing up in feeds again! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
I just want to let you know that for some reason your bachelor recaps aren’t coming through on my Feedly??? All of your other posts are, so it’s very strange! I thought it was a fluke or I somehow missed them the first couple of weeks, but then it happened again today!
Hi, Carly! We are working on a fix. It seems that maybe the number of photos in the Bachelor posts are messing things up. We hope to have a fix on Friday, which means next week should work! Thanks for making sure I knew! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
I absolutely LOVE these recaps! They are hands down the best part of the show!
I too was less than impressed with the mop buckets for “spa day” – what’s up with the lame dates so far? And can we talk about how those weren’t even real football helmets? They weren’t even lacrosse helmets?! Were they hockey helmets or something? What’s going on with ABC and their production department? Jordan needs to have a chat with them about their professionality, that’s for darn sure!! 🙂
April Parrish says
You crack me up!!! I thought the same thing about the spa session—they went on the cheap side for sure!
I agree-grocery store guy could’ve held his own in many of these sticky situations where as others obviously can’t!
Have a great day!
Kelly Davis says
OK, this is flat out the very best recap ever. I am laughing SO hard! My daughter heard me from the other room, and needed her own “recap of your recap”, since she and I watch the show together. Have mercy, girl, you are funny! (And my daughter , who is 19, loved that you also call him Zoolander- she said the same thing, and feels so validate- ha! Oh gosh, I had a typo and made it “validicated” and I almost left in, in honor of Zoolander and his professionality”)
Kelly Davis says
validated. Have mercy. I can’t get it together today!
Kelly Henderson says
A little funny about names. My 11 year old son’s name is Grant, one of our elderly neighbors ALWAYS calls him Brian. Last fall, the neighbor was at the same event as our son so our son walks up to him and says “hello Mr. Bird, I am your neighbor Grant but you like to call me Brian.” I nearly died when he told us that!
And like so many others, I do not watch this show but love your recaps.
Your bachelor recaps are gold! Totally agree with tour rules- still can’t remember if my neighbors name is Diane or Diana, so she’s Di now and thinks I like her so much she gets a nickname! And as a Golden Retreiver mama, I had the exact reaction as you did when Jordy dropped that bomb ??
Lofted beds without the use of a guard rail is actually a serious issue. Colleges are beginning to catch on to the dangers, which include brain injury and death, and are starting to supply/require guard rails. I am very surprised if ABC let this slide. This link offers info on a movement started by the mother of a seriously injured college student. http://railagainstthedanger.org/rad-testimonials/
Kathryn, I had no idea! Seems like such a simple solution. I hope changes are made!
You called Wills by Lincoln’s name in the first date recap. You broke your rule hopefully.