The Bachelor Finale, Part 1: I Think I Might Stroke Out

LADIES.  It’s the final week.  And it’s what we’ve been training for since March of 2002, when The Bachelor franchise was born.  Yes, I googled it.

Over the last 17 years, we’ve seen love, we’ve seen heartache, and we’ve seen a WHOLE LOT of crazy.  #imlookingatyoutia #andyoukelsey #youtooolivia

But THIS WEEK, y’all.  THIS WEEK WAS PACKED WITH DRAMA.  AND DARE I SAY, served us with a big heaping helping of……..wait for it……..REALITY.

Yep, that’s right.  REALITY.

One of the biggest and most famous reality shows actually let us witness just a little bit of that “reality” that they’ve been claiming for the last 17 years.

BUCKLE UP.

THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET REAL.

Now, before we get started, you need to know that this recap was written before I even started watching Tuesday night’s episode…so you’ll have to come back tomorrow for my thoughts on Part 2 of the finale.  As I’m writing this, I literally have NO IDEA what’s going to go down, but I’m ready.

We ended last week feeling very sorry for Colton.  He had just hurdled himself over a 10 foot fence, ninja style.  And he was wandering the dark Portugese countryside, running from the Bachelor producers WHO HAD BETRAYED HIM.  Because let’s be honest, they had most definitely betrayed him.  In my eyes, they knew that flying Cassie’s dad in TO PORTUGAL would up the drama to epic proportions.  To be fair, I don’t think they knew how much Colton loved Cassie, but they definitey betrayed him.

Click HERE if you need to review last week’s episode.  In a nutshell, Colton realized that he was 100% prime time in love with Cassie.  And then Cassie got all dolled up in a gorgeous little dress.  And then she broke up with him.  And then he jumped the f***ing fence.  Harrison’s words, not mine.  That was Monday’s episode.

I didn’t end up recapping Tuesday’s episode, The Men Tell All, because I just didn’t have it in me.  I needed to guard and protect my heart, ya know?

But it did occur to me that I have a lot of new readers, and not all of you know that I was able to go to a taping of The Women Tell All years ago! Click HERE to see me soaking up my 15 minutes of fame with Shay!  Just ignore my bangs.  They often have a mind of their own.

OKAY!  LET’S GET STARTED WITH MONDAY NIGHT’S EPISODE!

We opened with a man hunt.

I have to admit, I was feeling confused.  Was I watching an episode of The Bachelor or Cops?  #badboysbadboys #whatchagonnado #whatchagonnadowhentheycomeforyou

Here’s what went down…

Colton lept.

Dogs barked.

Leaves crunched.

People whistled.

Wing tips shuffled.

Producers panicked.

Ubers stalked.

Harrison panted.

They sent out several legitimate search parties, but nobody could find him. Harrison called back to the states, reporting to somebody in charge that Colton was lost in the “middle of Nowhere, Portugal.”  I might have laughed out loud.  Allegedly.  #okayidid

It was several minutes of panicked yelling.

After what seemed like a pretty extensive search, the people in the uber found him, and some girl/producer started running for him.  She asked him if he was okay, and he reported back that he was in fact NOT okay.  #DUH  At the very least, his ankles were probably tender after landing the 10 foot fence jump dismount.

She tried to comfort him, but he politely asked her to not touch him.

Harrison finally caught up with him too.

He asked,  “Do you want to be done with the whole thing?  Colton responded with a simple and resounding “YEP“.

Look how ticked he was.  You can’t tell me that at this exact moment he didn’t want to throat punch Harrison.  Like, straight in the trachea.

Colton was crying big crocodile tears, he said he’d been through so much this past year, and he sadly claimed that he always ends up feeling like he’s not enough.

Harrison nodded “sympathetically” and said “What made you feel like you’re not enough?”  I think Harrison might need some pointers on how to appropriately comfort somebody.  Harrison then said, “I am really sorry, but your discounting  Hannah and Tayshia who have clearly said they love you.” 

Harrison.  The heart wants what it wants.  And Colton’s heart wants Cassie.

It’s not like he can just flip a switch and decide that since she’s removed herself, he will now just love one of the other two remaining girls instead.  It doesn’t work that way.

Colton said, “I can’t do this, I’m done.”

Harrison clarified by saying “Done done?”

That’s some hard hitting journalism right there.

Colton clarified that he was in fact DONE DONE.

Y’all.  The entire scene was crazy.  And seriously, it was very reminiscent of either Cops or Live PD.  Where is Officer Sticks when you need him?

I was reeling.  Where were we going to go from here?

Well back at the studio, Harrison posed the following questions to the live studio audience:  “Will Colton still find love?  And what about his virginity?”

And I wanted to go all JoJo’s brothers on him.

HARRISON!  THAT’S ENOUGH.

YOU ALMOST HAD TO SEND OUT AN AMBER ALERT.  WE ARE NO LONGER CONCERNED WITH WHETHER OR NOT HE HAS ENGAGED OR WILL ENGAGE IN THE BIG WIGGLE.  #notthatweeverreallywere

The next morning, Harrison showed up at Colton’s room for a bro chat, but it was obvious that the boy was still TICKED.

Colton said, “I was falling in love with Tayshia.  And I was falling in love with Hannah.  I was IN LOVE with Cassie.  And she shut my heart off.”  My gosh, the boy had it bad.

Colton explained that he felt that part of Cassie’s hesitation simply lies in the fact that she knows that he is still dating other girls.  I thought it was an interesting perspective, and I’d actually never thought about it this way.  It sounded to me like Colton was willing to immediately end it with the other girls so he could prove to Cassie that she was the one.  HUH.  I mean, maybe that could work?  I was actually thinking it sounded like a good idea.

But Harrison, always the devil’s advocate, immediately responded with “What if she’s just not that into you?”

DANG, HARRISON.  That’s harsh.

But let’s be honest, it’s a question we were all wondering.  I MEAN.  Was Cassie just scared because her soon to be fiance was still dating two other girls?  OR….as Harrison so eloquently put it…was she just not that into him?  Only time would tell.

Colton replied with “I feel like life without Cassie wouldn’t be complete.  I feel like Cassie completes me right now.”  He told Harrison how he made a mistake in the past and didn’t fight hard enough for somebody that he loves (we ALL want to know the scoop on the break up with Aly right now for sure), but he wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

Later that morning, he hopped in a minivan and claimed he was “willing to risk everything“.  And he wanted to “not just tell her, but show her.”

He got out of the van, knocked on a door, and we all assumed it was going to be Cassie on the other side.

But you know what they say about assuming.

It was Tayshia that opened the door.

Colton asked her outside, they sat down together, and there was a lot of silence.  A LOT OF SILENCE.  He didn’t know how to find his words, and Tayshia had to know what was coming within 3 seconds of opening that door.

Colton started with “In my heart, I know I can’t love two people.  My heart belongs to somebody else.  I love Cassie.”  (He did leave out the fact that she had broken up with him.  But whatevs.)

Tayshia was genuinely surprised.  She asked, “Can we talk without all these cameras?” and Colton responded with a sheepish “Sure.”.

The camera guys were freaking out.  I mean, no cameras?  WHAT?  But don’t worry, the audio guys knew it was their time TO SHINE.  They cranked the mic levels up, and we still heard everything.  Down to rapid heartbeats.

Colton felt terrible and was crying.  And she was trying to comfort him.  And then she was bawling too saying she “didn’t want to go through with it.”

The door cracked open, and Tayshia said “You’re amazing.  Thank you for everything….You’re a good guy.”  It was a very mature break up.

Tayshia hopped in a car and left.

Colton was standing there visibly upset.

And I was left wondering one thing.

WHERE THE HECK WAS HANNAH?  I bet Hannah’s mama was wondering too.

They interrupted the drama in Portugal, and we found ourselves back in the studio audience with Tayshia.  Who was looking SMOKIN’ HOT.  #eatyourheartout

She told Harrison that when Colton showed up at her place, she was excited for a quick second, before she realized he was very upset and she knew it was not going to be good. But when she realized how upset he was, she wanted to be there for him.  Which was incredibly sweet.

And then they brought Colton and his new hairdo out.  He was giving me serious Nick Lachey vibes.  But not Nick Lachey now, rather circa pre Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey.  It’s as if he went to Pro Cuts and asked for the 90’s boy band cut.  (From what I hear, the new do pretty much broke Twitter.  But I’ve gotta be honest, even though I felt an initial shock, I didn’t hate it.  I’ve always liked boy band boys.  #nsyncforever)

Their conversation was polite.  But nothing ground breaking was said.

Harrison gave Tayshia the final word and she said, “I just wish the best for you, and I cherish the memories that were made.”  Thank you for everything.  You taught me a lot. And I’m looking forward to a wonderful relationship, and I know that’s going to happen for me.  And that is why you should choose me as America’s next Bachelorette.

JK.

She didn’t say that last sentence, but she said everything else and was no doubt campaigning hard for the next Bachelorette gig.  I think she did a mighty fine job, but I’m still not sure it’s going to be her.

We were an hour in at this point, and we cut back to Portugal to see Hannah. FINALLY!

I would like to remind you at this point that Hannah had NO IDEA that he’d been on a date with Cassie or Tayshia.  She had no idea that Cassie had broken up with Colton or that Colton had broken up with Tayshia.  She was just sitting in her room and dreaming about the future. She told the camera that she couldn’t wait to see him, and she was going to tell him that she loves him.  She was absolutely precious talking about it.  (Click HERE for a necklace super similar to Hannah’s for just $14.  You can also find a nicer one HERE that you can have engraved!)

And she journaled.

 

But wait.  There was a knock on the door. And Hannah was SO EXCITED when she saw it was Colton.  It was truly heartbreaking.

They sat down together, and he started by saying “You have been my rock through all of this.”  But then he got straight to the point with, “I can’t be in love with 2 people…..and my feelings are at a stronger point with somebody else than with you.”  It was all sounding very familiar.  I was experiencing break up deja vu.

He admitted he lovedCassie.  And Hannah was STUNNED.  Like she looked like Bambi, stunned.

He continued with, “You still remind me of home.  I thought it was going to be you.”

Well, great.  That makes it all better.

Hannah responded with, “I don’t believe this is happening right now.  I feel sick.  I didn’t think it was possible for there to be a better connection than what we had.”

AND THEN COLTON PUT HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND SAID “What the F am I doing?  I don’t want to lose you.  I don’t know if I’m making the right decision.”

Y’ALL.

WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

Personally, I think in that moment he finally started to panic.  He knew he still loved Cassie, but maybe a little bit of doubt had started creeping in that Cassie might not really love him back.  I MEAN, she had given him all the signs.  Including breaking up with him and leaving the country.

For a split second, I thought maybe he was going to try to make it work with Hannah since it appeared that she truly loved him.

But right before they cut to commercial, they showed Hannah waiting backstage and crying.  So that theory of mine lasted all of about .02 seconds.  I felt really sorry for Hannah, but it didn’t keep me from questioning her earring choice  #clairescalled

Furthermore, deep down inside of me, I hoped she would maybe write a rap about their break up in her diary.  It would be therapeutic.

After the commercial, we were back in Portugal with Colton and Hannah.  He said “You don’t deserve to be anybody’s back up plan.  I don’t know what else to say.”

They hugged.  They cried.  He put on his coat.  And then he said “good-bye”.

And then he BAWLED in the hallway. A woman (I think it was his handler) hugged him as he cried.  He cried BIG tears.

Through sobs, he said  “I don’t know if I’m giving up a sure thing for something that is impossible  That’s literally how much I love Cassie.  That I’m willing to walk away from somebody that great.”

And then, just like that, Harrison was back in the studio audience with Hannah.  She said that watching it back was hard because she thought he left and felt fine about everything, and it was hard to know that he was having a hard time with it too.  (By the way, to the ig follower that said Hannah looks like a young Beverly D’Angelo from Christmas Vacation.  You nailed it.)

The poor girl said that people are coming up to her in public and asking to see her engagement ring.

Harrison asked, “Are you still in love with him? Are there still feelings there?”  She responded with a “no”, but I didn’t believe her.  She also quoted the great Forrest Gump with an emotional “I know what love is.”

And then they brought Colton out again, and it seemed as if his new do had been adjusted a bit backstage.  It was a little less aggressive.

Harrison asked Colton, “Did you ever consider having that final overnight date with Hannah?”  Colton said “no“.

And then Hannah explained “What Cassie did to you is exactly what you did to me.”

WHOAH.

DEEP.

Then Hannah shared, “It was a slap in the face telling Cassie you thought about her when you were with other people.”

And then Harrison asked him if that was how he really felt or if he just said that in the moment.  And Colton confirmed that he in fact did think about Cassie when with the other girls.

He was like “Yeah, I really felt that.”  And Hannah’s mom was all….

If I were Harrison or Colton, I’d be setting up security for my nicely manicured lawn.

Hannah said, “I want somebody to jump a fence for me.”

Same girl, same.

And then there was a 10 minute segment with these ya-hoos.  Just a time filler.  Nothing to see here.

In the last 6 minutes of the show, we were blessed with the previews for Tuesday night’s show.

While watching both Cassie and Colton pack for their Portugal departure, we heard Colton’s voice saying “I started with 31, and now there aren’t any left.  Cassie left me, but I still love her. I don’t want to leave her without her.”

And then we heard Cassie reminiscing about how she had made the right decision and that she couldn’t wait to be with her family.

And then Colton’s voice again…“Before heading home, I have to do what’s right and best for me, because I came here for love.  And I know what I need to do.  Love is scary.  Love is not simple. Love is messy.”

And then he was knocking on a door again.

And this time Cassie answered.

JK.

At least WE THINK SHE ANSWERED.

Because the show ended before the door opened.

They cut back to Harrison in the studio, and you guessed it, HE ASKED THE AUDIENCE AND AMERICA ABOUT COLTON’S VIRGINITY AGAIN.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And it was here that I knew I was DONE with the show.

But don’t worry…I wasn’t DONE DONE…so come back tomorrow for Part 2.

Before you go, I have some very important information to share.

My black clutch with the wooden ring handle is BACK IN STOCK!  It will go out of stock again (probably quickly),  so don’t delay!  And my romper from last year is now sold out, but I’ve linked two great options!  Everything else is still in stock!

And I’ve got more great news!  My absolute favorite spring and summer necklace of all time is 20% OFF with the code tassel20.  It’s only for STMT readers, so you need to take advantage of the code.  I think it’s only been ON SALE like once before, and you will be seeing it on me all spring and summer long.  The rainbow tassel allows it to go with almost anything, and the wooden beads are DARLING.

black romper option / black romper option / must have denim jacket / rainbow tassel necklace / must have wedges / clutch with the wooden ring

Get The Look For Yourself Here:

And if you only typically come by here for Bachelor recaps, I feel like you might want to know about my outfit from Monday’s post.  I highly recommend everything I’m wearing.  Click HERE to see all my thoughts on each item.

leopard button up / green mixed shape drop earrings / tortoise shell sunnies (black sunnies) / my favorite black jeans / reversible cognac tote / must have wedges

Get The Look For Yourself Here:

Did you see my last Amazon haul? Lots of great things for AMAZING deals!  The dress is $18 and the military jacket is under $40!  And the blush cardi (on the bottom left) is one of my favorite items in my closet right now!  Click HERE to check it all out!

And last, but certainly not least, I started receiving orders yesterday for my March Amazon post. It’s gonna be great!  So far, I’m super excited about what I’ve opened!

I thought it would be fun to give you a tiny little sneak peek with these earrings!  And if you like the shape of the earrings, but don’t love the colors shown, make sure you click the links to see all colors available!

white earrings / multi color tassel earrings / rattan and gold earrings / green earrings

I’ve got just one more sneak peek for y’all with this leopard bag.  I set out to find another one that I loved, because when the one I featured last month sold out, I had tons of readers asking for an alternative.  WELL, I found one.  AND IT’S AWESOME.  Better than the first one actually.  I’ll show it next week, but click HERE to check it out!  It’s just UNDER $26!  Now, it is big…and I don’t normally love really big totes, but I do love this one. And I went ahead and ordered the XL felt organizer/insert for it.  The adjustable loops on the side can be cinched in a bit, giving the tote a bit more structure and shape.

See you back here tomorrow, y’all.  I’m going to have ALL SORTS OF THOUGHTS, I’m sure!

Before you go…

Please comment with ALL YOUR THOUGHTS on The Bachelor!!!!  #somebodyneedstoholdme

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