Sigh.
And just a heads up, if I miss anything big in my recap today, it’s because
I might have blacked out a couple of times from sheer boredom.
But before I begin, I feel compelled to again mention The Antelope In The Living Room.
If you haven’t bought this book for yourself and every one of your besties…and your mom…and your sister…..and your neighbor……and your mail lady…..well then, do it now!
This is the day I got my advanced copy from Melanie! I was soooooooo excited!!!!!
I’m telling you, it is one of THE MOST DELIGHTFUL books I have ever read.
And that’s coming from somebody who doesn’t read.
Which you can take one of two ways:
1) That I never read so I have no idea what’s good.
or
2) That this book is SO DANG GOOD that it makes me actually want to read.
And I’m telling you, you should go with #2.
The book is about marriage, and I cannot tell you how many times I was nodding my head and quietly agreeing (or possibly shouting “yes” while clapping my hands and snorting…..allegedly) while reading it.
.
So, go HERE to pick up a copy or 12 of the books for you and every girl you love.
This book would make the GREATEST birthday gifts and the cutest Mother’s Day gifts and the best I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN OCCASION BUY I’M JUST GIVING THIS BOOK TO YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND KNOW YOU WILL BE ABLE TO RELATE present.
It spans all types of Hallmark holidays.
And after you buy it, go HERE to enter a super fun contest she has going on now in conjunction with the book launch.
ALL RIGHT!
IT’S BACHELOR TIME.
Two Points I would like to make before I begin The Bachelor Episode 6 recap:
1)
I don’t understand around 80% of what Hwahan Pablo says.
This is due to a combination of things:
a. his accent
b. his incredibly low volume (I swear he talks in a whisper most of the time).
c. the baby talk
fyi: “c” is about to put me over the edge
I seriously paused and pressed rewind at least 10 times during the show, and sometimes I still wasn’t able to decipher what he said.
2)
If you don’t like seeing people stick their tongues in each other’s mouths, then don’t watch this episode, because we are basically just along for the ride on
Hwahan Pablo’s New Zealand Make Out Tour.
The first date card arrives.
And it’s a 1:1 for Andi
Let’s Heat Things Up!
We are told that “Emotions are bubbling and tensions are high” and we are ready for all of the analogies that the night might bring.
First things first, I am LOVING Andi’s outfit.
White jeans, a flannel, khaki military jacket, and tall brown boots! SO CUTE Andi!
{See how to get the look for yourself at the end of the post.}
They hop on a river jet boat and TAKE OFF.
And I don’t mean they casually start to glide across the water, I mean they are almost airborn.
And again, I’m left wondering WHERE THE HECK ARE THE LIFE JACKETS?
And CAN SOMEBODY HAND ANDI A PONYTAIL HOLDER?
The driver stops and is all “Okay, this is it. Get out.”
Andi looks super surprised that she’s supposed to hop in and go for a swim, YET SHE HAS HER SWIMSUIT ON….so she couldn’t have been that surprised.
There are so many things that are awful about this date.
They are on in swimsuits on National TV (NO THANK YOU), in cold water (NO THANK YOU), and squeezing themselves between tiny little crevices in a cave that looks like it should be crawling with snakes or crocodiles (again, NO THANK YOU.)
Hwahan again talks about trust (all right already), and Andi spouts off some mumbo jumbo about how it feels so nice to be taken care of.
Yeah Andi. You can get the same feeling with a mani/pedi gift card.
They emerge from the cave only to see a waterfall.
But I barely even notice the waterfall because Andi is ROCKING HER FACE OFF in that black 1 piece. Seriously, I want to stop and have a moment of silence for the 1st one piece that this show has ever seen. And Andi is wearing that one piece LIKE IT’S HER JOB.
She. Looks. Awesome.
(See the bottom of the post for several black swimsuit options. This is a fashion blog after all.)
😉
And then they MUG DOWN underneath a warm waterfall.
HELLO HWAHAN?
What about Cameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeela?
Don’t you remember all the guilt you felt last week that led to your public shaming of Clare?
Hello?
Oh well, he forgets, and they mug.
Andi and Hwahan head to dinner with a cute little table set up about 6 inches in front of an active geyser. The geyser blows, water rains down, and somewhere in New Zealand the intern that set the table up op top of the geyser is filing for unemployment.
They make out again, and the geyser metaphors are out of control.
Next up is the group date.
Let LOVE roll.
Charlene, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra
They pull up on top of a gorgeous hill, and the wind is OUT OF CONTROL.
It is worth noting that today is Cassandra’s 22nd birthday.
They go exploring and they walk up on a couple of clear gigantic balls that they are supposed to hop in and roll down the hill IN SWIMSUITS because this is The Bachelor after all.
As fun as this looks, this might very well be MY WORST NIGHTMARE as far as a date on national t.v. goes.
You can’t be focusing on sucking in and your perfect swimsuit angle if you are rolling down a hill in a big huge ball.
Still, the girls actually look great being thrown all about in their swimsuits.
See? Look at Kat in her swimsuit.
Looking good even when being thrown about in a big huge ball that is careening down a hill.
Nikki actually manages to make out with him a bit while in the ball. Which is make out #2 of the show.
He takes Mamma away from the group date for 1:1 time.
And as much as I love Mamma, I’m totally distracted by his hair.
What is going on with his hair?!?
They make out.
(For those keeping score, this is his 3nd make-out session this episode.)
Hwahan and Sharleen get some 1:1 time.
And within 2 seconds of sitting down, her tongue comes out.
(Get out your score cards, that’s the 4th make-out session.)
I feel it necessary to say that I do NOT enjoy seeing the opera singer’s tongue.
I think my main issue with her tongue is that she sticks it out too far before making contact.
She states the process is “inorganic” for her.
Um, yeah.
It’s like the least organic experience EVER.
And her tongue comes out again.
Please. Put your tongue away.
It’s time to give out the rose on the group date.
Sharleen and her tongue get the rose.
He takes Cassandra out and says,
“You’re one of my special ones. You’re funny, You’re so nice, and you make me say wow.
Happy Birthday, now get the he** out.”
Okay, so maybe I took some creative license with that last line, but he really did say everything else.
I was the most sad that Mama didn’t get to say “good-bye” to one of
her little chick-a-dees.
Poor Mama.
Cassandra is lamenting her exit in the car ride and says she feels like she’s been “waiting so long”.
I want to grab her by the shoulders, shake her, and scream “YOU’RE 22 YEARS OLD!”
And then I want to make her understand that this was probably the best
birthday gift she has ever or will ever receive.
Clare and Hwahan have their 1:1.
I have no idea what the date card says.
Clare looks very pretty and totally at ease in the above picture, but if we are going to be totally honest, she seems to be experiencing a little PTSD after her time in Nam.
(You should know, I totally laughed out loud when I wrote that. Just in case you missed it:
She has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. From her time in Vietnam.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.)
Let’s revisit Nam, shall we?
Hwahan publicly shamed her on national t.v. for something that he was a more than willing participant in.
Now we’re in New Zealand and I think he’s supposed to be apologizing, but I heard an apology NOWHERE during his monologue.
And for the record, his face perfectly captures my face as I was watching this whole scene unfold.
Because here’s the kicker, CLARE ACCEPTS his non-apology and makes nice with him.
WHAT?
CLARE! NOOOOO!!!!!
Chew him up and spit him out just like the Orb ball did to Sharleen!
He is TOTALLY rubbing me the wrong way and he seems all sorts of SLIMY!
He’s telling her YET AGAIN that he felt wrong kissing her at 4:00 a.m. in the ocean.
YET, this episode he has already kissed Andi (under a waterfall in swimsuits),
Mamma, Nikki, and Sharleen.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND!
It seems as if these are Hwahan’s only rules for dating on National t.v.:
1) Don’t kiss girls in the ocean after 4:00 a.m.
2) Kiss as many girls as you want anywhere you want as long as it’s before 4:00 a.m.
Yeah. That about sums up the rules.
They go to dinner and she talks about how much his apology made her feel so much better.
HUH?
Clare says it’s not about what you fight about, it’s about how you handle that.
And I would typically agree with that statement.
UNLESS of course your fight was about the fact that he made you feel like a total slut on National t.v. (Sorry for saying slut, but that’s totally what he did.)
He gives her a pair of hammer pants to put on so they can lounge around.
#hammerdon’thurt’em
Harrison and Hwahan sit down for a little guy talk before the rose ceremony.
And am I the only one here who thinks it looks like Harrison HATES Hwahan?
Seriously. The hatred is palpable.
Time for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony.
Get ready for some more tongue.
Hwahan and Nikki have some alone time.
Hwahan: Do you like me?
Nikki: Yes.
Hwahan: Why?
Nikki: Because.
Hwahan: how much?
Nikki: A lot.
RIVETING.
Chelsie and Hwahan get a chance to talk, and here’s what happens.
She talks.
His eye glaze over.
RIVETING.
Kat and Hwhahn talk.
She says journals.
Yeah, sure you do Kat.
RIVETING.
The episode is coming to a close (THANK YOU!), and he sends Kat home.
And then we see Sharleen questioning her presence.
She’s not sure she’s into him.
Yeah. Neither am I Sharleen.
I can hardly wait till next week (yawn).
So, Cassandra and Kat head home, the the following girls remain:
Clare, Mama, Chelsie, Andi….and 2 other girls who I can’t think of right now
THE END.
Okay……so since the recap was kind of a snooze fest, I’ve got some fun stuff for you today!
Have you all been totally wanting Clare’s bar necklace, because I have since Day 1!
And when I searched for her pic in the bar necklace, I also found Jessica and Reese in them.
I love them so.
You can get your own personalized bar necklace HERE!
Or maybe you want to get Andi’s look for yourself! (I looked for a pic of her in her outfit, but I couldn’t find one. And I was wayyyyy to lazy to take a screen shot.)
gingham shirt HERE
crocheted v-neck HERE
You know, just in case you are expected to go swimming or wade thru water on your date.
white jeans HERE
my cognac wedge boots HERE (40% off!)
As mentioned previously, Andi wore that black 1 piece LIKE IT WAS HER JOB.
She was HOT.
Here are some great options for some super sexy black swimsuits that still leave a bit to the imagination!
strapless black swimsuit HERE
black and white one piece HERE
crocheted v-neck HERE
twist front bandeaux HERE
And the rest of the items today have nothing to do with the show, but I felt you all needed to know that theSam Edelman Dominica flats can now be found for 33% off HERE.
My post on Friday is going to be on shoes for Spring, and these flats are the PERFECT transition shoe for Spring. (I have these square toed Edelman’s in leopard, and I adore them.) They are so comfy! If I had to choose between the black or the cognac, I’m going with the cognac for sure.
And actually, not just the Edelman flats are on sale.
Click HERE for all shoes and boots on sale (men, women, and kids) up to 40% off!
Y’all. LOTS OF AMAZING DEALS!!!!!!
Also, I took a quick trip to Nordstrom by myself on Saturday, and I felt that now was as good of a time as any to share a couple of my finds with you that I LOVED.
And after Friday’s post, I know it would be the PERFECT top to pair with a blingy necklace!
(Click HERE to see Friday’s post on how to pair a plain t with a fancy necklace!)
Click HERE for the shirt below. (For size reference, I was wearing a medium but needed a small.)
It was soooo soft and comfy and I just loved it!
Click HERE. For size reference, I was wearing a medium.
click HERE for a
simple grey and white striped v-neck
for size reference, this
shirt was a small
click HERE for a
metallic double knit v-neck
for size reference, this shirt was a
medium
Also, in response to my Military Jacket 101 post from Monday (you can find it HERE), I got some e-mails from people saying that they have the following 3 jackets and love them!
GAP military jacket HERE
camo anorak from Anthro HERE (on super sale!)
lace anorak from Anthro HERE
ALL RIGHT GIRLS!
Mix and Match Mama says
The show might have been a snooze fest…but your recap was not! Hilarious friend. Hilarious!
Beesmama says
Totally not a fan of Juan Pablo AT ALL! How did he get picked to be the Bachelor??? Love your recap as usual:)
Tessa Ernst says
PTSD from Nam??? hahah LOL. The episode was boring, I agree, but your recap was hilarious as usual. I am over Clare…her eye rolls and she says "like" way too much for a 32 year old. I am off to Nordstroms soon to check out the goodies! Keep up the good work.
Beth Ann says
I don't even watch The Bachelor, but look forward to Wednesday for your recaps because they are hilarious!!!
Anonymous says
ME TOO!
Narci says
What about Cameeeeela? Lol! So funny! Love it, friend! 🙂
jen says
This was HILARIOUS! Few things just make me laugh out loud…this totally did! LOVE!
Lindsay says
I am so glad that your interpretation of his "apology" was the same as mine. I kept thinking that I must have missed the actual "I'm sorry" part somehow. That was NOT an apology in the least. And I think I hid my eyes at least 3 times during the show when I kept seeing tongues all over the place. Why aren't any of these kisses just looking normal? Lastly, the whole "your one of my special ones" just sounds totally creepy right? Anyway, just wanted to let you know that the Callisto wedges are on sale in the fushia color (and white but only size 9 and 10). I figured we all need something to wear with our new rockin black one pieces right?
Claire says
I don't watch the Bachelor either but I really enjoy your recap! I LOL'd which is a feat in the morning.
Annie Cox says
The Bachelor has been a snooze fest! I am so over watching him make out with every girl or almost every girl…you know he has standards and respect for his daughter! Whatever! This has got to be one of the worst seasons and definitely not enough drama. Ha! I just checked out the shoe sale and the Callisto wedges are on sale, a ton of Toms, and a few different Converse options. I am off to go shopping! Thanks for your recap.
Becky says
"Yeah Andi. You can get the same feeling with a mani/pedi gift card." Hahahahahaha – hilarious. I may have snorted a few times while reading this recap. I always look forward to them. I have to agree, I LOVE mama. She's great. And I was thinking the same thing about Cassandra – she's 22!!!! She needs to chill.
Alana says
I was bored throughout the episode too and had tuned out, so your recap caught me up on what I missed…except that it was hilarious and not boring. 🙂
Crystal @EatDrinkClev says
PTSD from Nam!!!!! I almost spit out my coffee over that one! Love love love the recaps! Even if the show isn't good one week, your recaps always are a blast. THANK YOU!! Also really love the lace front sweatshirt – super cute!
{Hi Sugarplum!} says
I haven't seen the episode yet…we've been Olympic crazed over here…but now I'm not sure I need to!
Theresa says
Oh my goodness, you are just too funny! Not only is your recap hilarious, but the fact that you make yourself laugh ramps it right up to another level!
Leah says
Such a dull episode, I forwarded through the majority of it!! I'm glad you'll be here all night because in done with this seasons Bachelor so you're going to have to be my go to lady to find out what's going on and make it enjoyable! Thanks for taking one for the team!!!
Sara says
Hilarious recap. As the weeks go on, all I can think about is how Clare is going to go DEFCON 1 when she gets dumped. The girl is seriously cray cray. I almost feel bad that this show is going to chew her up and spit her out.
Stacy P. says
I dont watch the Bachelor, but i DO live your recaps!
Thank you for suffering through boring tv for the rest of us. We all owe you a Starbucks!
Anonymous says
Oh my goodness! I was laughing so hard while reading this post that my husband kept asking me what the he** was going on?! Your re-caps of the bachelor this season are waaayyyy better than the actual show. I think Juan Pablo is my least favorite bachelor of all time. But my husband and I are addicted to reality TV and the train wreck that it is, so we continue to watch. I was also very sad that Mama didn't get to say good-bye to Cassandra. Should have known something bad was going to happen to her because the producers had her say it was her birthday only fifty million times…. I also get the feeling that Chris Harrison in none too fond of this year's bachelor. Wouldn't that be an interesting take on the 'After the rose' episode?
Thanks to you and Shay for introducing me to The Big Mama blog! I downloaded 'The Antelope in the Living Room' on my Kindle today, and I'm excited to start reading it.
Kathy Lang
katsam02@yahoo.com
salcam says
Your recaps are the highlight of my day….thanks so much for watching this dreck so we don't have to! Awesome giggles, and none of the pain from having to see so. much. tongue.
Becky Bullock says
You are hilarious! I look forward to your recaps more than I look forward to actually watching snoozefest Pablo. Thanks for making a freezing cold Wednesday better 🙂
salcam says
Your recaps are the highlight of my day….thanks so much for watching this dreck so we don't have to! Awesome giggles, and none of the pain from having to see so. much. tongue.
Rebecca Jo says
The baby talk & 'moaning' he does after he says someones name is just getting to me…
Yep – just went to Amazon & got the book! 🙂
StacyHudson says
As soon as Sharleen's tongue came out (okay, after I cringed and covered my eyes), I knew you'd be discussing!!!! And love the PTSD comment….too funny! All I could think while they were rolling down the hill in those balls, was how their boobs weren't coming out of their swimsuits. HAHAHAHA!
Anonymous says
Oh yeah, CH definitely hates him. Bigtime!
Regina says
It takes a LOT to make me laugh out loud, but your recaps do it every single week! Thank you!!!
Anonymous says
Your recap was perfect! Love it!
Jackie T. says
You are SO right…what apology?? This season is turning out to be right up there with Prince Lorenzo What's His Name's season! Your PTSD comment was hilarious!
Scheaffer…I read a lot of blogs, but "you're one of my special ones"!
Blondie says
That last line made me snort laugh! HILARIOUS. And very true.
I dozed off halfway through this last episode and didn't bother to go back and watch what I missed. Snooze. But THIS? The recap? Wouldn't miss it for the WORLD. Funniest thing on the Internets. (besides the phrase "leggings aren't pants!" … which has become our Go To expression anytime we see someone haphazardly showing all their lady bits in leotard.)
Tiffany {A Touch of Grace} says
PTST from Nam. HILARIOUS! And Sharleen's tongue. I cringe every time they kiss! And yes, it's a snoozefest this season, and Hwahan is really bothering me. He's being so hypocritical! And can he please just stop moaning all the time?! Thanks for continuing to do the recaps. It's a highlight of my week. 🙂
Sarah H says
I am SOOO glad that you posted the bar necklace! I have been searching for it since one of the first Bachelor episodes, so thank you! Also, I think JP is going to go down as the worst Bachelor in the history of the show. I just don't think he is there for the right reasons. Love your post on this last episode!
Kelly Lynn says
Love your humor! In reference to your plain & fancy post – Can you convince BaubleBar to restock the neon necklace you featured?! I couldn't find it yesterday & found out they are not planning to restock it. I had my eye on it & then fell in love with it after your post – bummed.
Kelly says
Thanks for another great recap, Sheaffer!! You are totally right about this season being boring. I find myself liking JP less and less every week. LOVE your reference to PTSD and Nam. You make me crack up every time I read these 🙂
Liz/happymommy says
I laughed so hard at your PTSD in Nam comment that one of my co-workers came to see what was SO funny, haha!!! Hilarious! I totally agree with your comment about Harrison hating Hwahan….he is so not liking this guy and it is so obvious! Your recaps once again are way better than the actual show. And seriously opera singers tongue….I cringe every single time…barf!
Got my GAP military jacket that I ordered last week that you mentioned above and LOVE it!!!
Alexandra says
My 18 year old nephew watches with me and my sister. Having a teenaged boy interpret JP's accented whisper mumbling with things you'd find in bad lip reading YouTube videos definitely jazzes up the show. Love your recaps! You always make even the worst shows funny.
April Parrish says
Great recap!!! Juan Pablo doesn't seem to be too worried about his daughter on this episode. He sucked a lot of face!
Seriously you read my mind about the bar necklace. Just ordered myself one a few days ago!
Have a great day!
kristinwithani says
Yet again another painful-to-watch episode. Yet again, you said what all of us were thinking. I watched with a big group of girls so I couldn't hear anything. Came home to watch and listen and just fast-forwarded til the end. Really not liking this season at all. But your summaries are worth it!
SarahN says
I second the above comment! I missed out on the neon bauble bar necklace too and I'd love for them to restock it. Please work your magic, Sheaffer 🙂
Lindsay says
This recap was totally on point! i totally cringed several times while watching!
Lauren Gibbs says
Love love love your recaps! I agree that Andi looked amazing in her outfit & one piece. Andi might be my favorite so far. You said so many things I was thinking when I watched the episode!
-Lauren
Home Style Love
Kate says
He IS slimy! Like I can barely focus on him when he's on screen, because he just gives me the heebie jeebies. I haven't watched the Bachelor for very many seasons, but there does seem to be quite a bit of forceful making out on his part.
Alison @ Get Your Pretty On says
Darn you and those swimsuits! Just when I was getting ready to order the pizza…
Anonymous says
Your recaps are better than the show itself. I watch the show so that I can read the recaps, how about that!
Danielle says
Love your recaps- HILARIOUS. You seriously had me dying laughing multiple times. I can honestly say that in my opinion, he is the worst bachelor yet. I can't stand him! Yet I keep watching, ha! I even went ahead and read the spoilers- which I have NEVER done before. You basically read my mind in most of the episode!
Camille says
Schaffer you crack me up….and I am so grateful to have you as a personal stylist! Thanks for being a happy positive person!
Jackie T. says
Oh yeah…one other thing…the sheep poop throwing…well actually, I don't even know what to say about that…but gross!!!
Julie in GA says
Thanks Sheaffer for the update…you totally express how I feel about him but in such a fantastically funny way… I'm sooo ready to fast forward to another season.. I love your style and so happy that you have been adding some plus size options. Love your blog, love your sass!
Anonymous says
Loved this recap. You are so funny! Thanks for posting the link to that jacket at Gap. I am definitely going to order one of those. You are the best!!!
Belle and Grace says
Once again, your recap is HI-larious! You are too funny!
xo, Summer
http://www.belleandgrace.blogspot.com
Anonymous says
I think I'm a pretty funny person (modest, right?) so when I read something that is well written and makes me laugh, it's pretty cool. Well done! I'll be back!
Hayley Chandler says
You did it yet again. Hilarious!!! I am not sure about Juan Pablo. I don't get the thrill at all!!! It makes me miss Sean. He was truly the BEST Bachelor!!!
Unknown says
Hilarious recap!! Hwhahn is so creep, I can barely stand it. Not to mention as dull as a doorknob. This season is the worst!
Slightly Askew Designs says
Hilarious as always… which says a lot since you didn't have much to work with. Kind of disappointed you didn't end up posting a world map and highlighting Nam, but still awesome 🙂
Chic Coastal Living says
Oh my gosh! Once again I laughed out loud! So funny!
Baby Mama says
The best thing about the Bachelor are these recaps. So funny! Can't wait for tonight! 🙂
Linda says
I'm ashamed to admit I'm watching this season, but I am. A lot of the time I'm crouched behind my recliner peeping around at the TV because I'm so embarrassed. I said I would NEVER watch after Sean. Can you just imagine spending the rest of your life trying to have meaningful conversation with Hwahan? I don't believe he ever says anything remotely interesting. Unless you count "look at me" fifty times or "you're one of my 'special ones'." But, Sheaffer, as long as you recap, I will have to watch. Hil-ar-i-ous!!!