The Bachelor, Episode 5 (Part 1): Put Me In, Coach

Hey, Ladies!  How is it already week 5?  It’s true what they say, time really does fly when girls are being crazy, ageist, petty, and judgmental.  Ha!

If you missed Part 1 of last week’s episode, click HERE.  When are girls going to learn to write “tacos” as their fear on Bachelor applications?  COME ON, GIRLS!  If you write “heights”, then you are for sure going to be jumping off of a building or out of a plane.

Click HERE for part 2 of last week’s episode.  These two and their nasty shoes made us all want to rock back and forth in the corner.  OFF THE BED, PLEASE.

LET’S GET STARTED!  Oh, wait.  I need to let you know that this week’s episode is again going to be divided into 2 parts.The little guy has now been home from school for 2 days with a terrible cough.  That’s right, moms.  Home from school.  For 2 days.  With a terrible cough.  Pray for him.  And for me.  So far I haven’t forked him in the trachea, so I’m considering that a huge win.

The show opened with a quick little preview of the night’s episode.  And I had SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

At the top of my list was what happened to Kirpa’s chin.  HARRISON, WE WANT ANSWERS.

I was also wondering why it appeared that one of our front runners (I’m looking at you Elyse) was potentially making bad choices.

In the short preview, it was obvious that Colton was going to be very upset about something, so I might have found myself chanting “JUMP THE FENCE! JUMP THE FENCE!  JUMP THE FENCE.”  #allegedly

I mean, it’s time Colton.  Let’s go ahead and scale that 10 foot fence and jump over like it ain’t no thang.  We’re all here for it.

The girls were ready to “take their next steps with Colton” in Thailand.

But not until after he grabbed a quick outdoor shower.  Because duh.

1:1 Date

Heather, Let’s experience something new!

NO PRESSURE, NEVER BEEN KISSED HEATHER.  I mean, Colton wants you to experience something new and Thailand just happens to be the perfect place to fall in love have somebody’s tongue in your mouth for the first time.

Never Been Kissed Heather of course whipped out the Sonicare for a quick little refresh before heading to meet her man.   Good call. 9/10 dentists agree that fresh breath is quite important when preparing to swap saliva with somebody.

The girl was excited to spend the day with Colton.  How did I know she was excited?  My reasoning was 2 fold:  1)  I looked at her face. AND 2) Her voice rose 47 octaves.  I’m guessing the octave jumps might also have been attributed to nervous energy she was harboring because of a potential first kiss.  On National t.v.  In front of millions.  And her parents.  And all of her previous boyfriends that she didn’t kiss.

BLOGGER BREAK:  I really loved all of the delicate gold jewelry in this week’s show!  Click HERE to see lots of dainty gold necklaces from my favorite jewelry designer.  THIS NECKLACE is one of my favorites, and check out this lovely 3 strand necklace with a layered look (only $28!).  Click HERE for lots of earring choices.

They hopped on a boat, floated down the river, and were putting off some serious Little Mermaid vibes.  All they were missing were turtles playing percussion, grasshoppers playing strings, and a crab named Sebastian belting out a power ballad.  I was definitely singing “Kiss The Girl” on my couch.  #arielforever

Sing it with me y’all!

They road around all cuddled up, but their romantic little boat ride ended without a kiss.  They walked around an outdoor market.  Without a kiss.

BLOGGER BREAK: Heather’s simple black one piece was awesome.  Click HERE for a great selection of black one pieces.  I love the scallops on THIS ONE and this one shoulder number is a great deal!  And y’all!  My favorite denim shorts ever have been restocked in all sizes!  Click HERE to see them on me in the pictures with the pink tee.  I’m wearing my regular size, but size down if between sizes.  I LOVE THEM and cannot recommend them enough.

They ate a little lunch together.  Without a kiss.  They shared an ice cream together.  Without a kiss.

Heather even ate a little of her own hair.

And then we were treated to a little montage focusing on Colton’s mouth.  #ewwwwww  I didn’t need a close up of Colton licking his fingers.  I didn’t sign up for this.

She was continuing to put off some major KISS ME NOWWWWWWWWWW energy, but I was starting to think he might not. They had some more awkward conversation, and they kept not kissing.

This continued all day and night long.  Lots of awkward silence.  And lots of NOT kissing.

Colton asked about her previous long term relationship, and she talked about how she always knew he wasn’t the right one, but she kept trying to make it happen.  She’s not sure why they didn’t kiss, but they didn’t.  Colton was open about the fact that he was concerned about being her first kiss (talk about pressure!), but she explained to him that it wasn’t like she was waiting for marriage or anything.  Let’s be real, if we get to the heart of the matter, Colton was afraid a good first kiss might result in a Stage 5 Clinger.

At the end of dinner, he leaned over to grab the rose, but I thought he was leaning in for the kiss.  I was mistaken.

BECAUSE HE STILL DIDN’T KISS HER.

It was getting soooo weird.

But when they ended up on the beach in front of a fire, I knew THIS WAS IT!

But it wasn’t.  There was a side hug.  BUT NO KISSING.

AND THEN THERE WERE FIREWORKS.

IN THE SKY.

AND THEY STILL WEREN’T KISSING.

I thought I was going to die.  This was me.

At this point, I was more than willing to step in and kiss her myself.  PUT ME IN, COACH!

But in the next second, he grabbed her face and kissed her.

THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE!

The kiss was sweet, and her little giggle in the middle of it was precious.

At the end of their date, Colton said, “I’m on a high and I don’t think there’s anything that can ruin it.”

Narrator:  *quietly chuckles to himself*

Been Kissed Heather went back to the hotel.  All the girls gathered around for story time, and Heather shared details of their date and their magical first kiss.  I mean, there were LITERAL fireworks, y’all.  All of the girls were sitting around in comfy clothes and acting happy for her, but not Elyse.  She had made the decision to don an evening gown.  It was an interesting choice.

In the middle of Been Kissed Heather’s story time,  Elyse hopped up (in her evening gown, mind you), headed out the door, let it slam loudly behind her, and left all the girls scratching their heads. 

It became obvious that she was making her way down a dark path (literally AND FIGURATIVELY) to Colton’s place of residence.

ELYSE, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT.  WE THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS. We thought you knew that there was no way you’d get a 2nd date when sweet little Cassie hadn’t even had a 1:1 yet.

Clearly, we were mistaken.

I had some suggestions for Elyse that I wish I could have shared with her before she saw Colton:

1)  Lose the evening gown.  2) Take down your up do.  and 3)  TAKE A CHILL PILL.

Colton was obviously surprised to see her, and probably confused by her gown.  Join the club, man.  There were lots of tears, she explained that it was hard for her to go on dates with him and then see him on dates with others, and she ended with “I can’t, I literally can’t accept your proposal after a few months after sharing your time and attention with other people.”

Did Elyse think she was going on Wheel of Fortune?  Perhaps she would be better suited as one of Barker’s Beauties on The Price is Right.  After all, we all know that she can rock a sparkly dress.  I’m imagining she could also turn a price card on the Cliff Hanger game or beautifully highlight a reasonably priced new washer/dryer pair in a Showcase Showdown.

ELYSE, the entire premise of this show is to in fact share the guy for a few months with other women and then accept a proposal.

I will say that after she was all “peace out”, her gown choice totally made sense to me. You know this had to be her favorite rose ceremony dress that she had picked out, and she was going to be damned if she didn’t get to wear it on National tv.  #RESPECT

Colton vlogged about the experience the next morning, and it was obvious that he had hadn’t slept much and/or had been crying all night long.  I wanted to hug him. And hand him my favorite eye patches– they really work y’all!.  And help him change out of his peach colored sleeveless tank into a more suitable short sleeved tee.

**********

GROUP DATE:  Demi, Kirpa, Caelynn, Onyeka, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Nicole, and Hannah G.

Will our love survive?

Which meant that Cassie was going to get the 1:1!!!  WooHoo!  (Read about their 1:1 in Part 2 tomorrow.)

But now it was time to meet 10 other ladies in the jungle!

And it was not to be confused with a park or a trail, it was an actual jungle.

You know, traipsing through the jungle is a lot like love. Colton wants his wife to be able to go on jungle hikes with him and demonstrate survival skills like eating bugs and wrangling eels.

They met up with Joe, a jungle expert, and he shared lots of jungle secrets with them.  Joe put a snake on Colton, and he confided that snakes were his biggest fear.  HOLD UP, Colton.  I’m getting confused.  Are you the most afraid of heights, of snakes, or of making it to the end and having your heart broken?  Pick a fear and commit.

Joe then announced that they were going to break into teams for an hour and come back with items they found that would help them survive.  Tayshia pulled a fast one and told the other girls to go get food while she and Colton went to “get some more water”.  It appears she found the water IN HIS MOUTH.

Demi and The Hannahs totally cheated and took a jungle uber back to the hotel where they grabbed a cheeseburger and some champagne and brought it back to the jungle rendezvous.  Demi was all, “These other girls can suck maggots.  I’m drinking champagne.”  I might as well say it, this girl is growing on me.

And then they shared their burger with Colton.  And let’s just say, Colton’s not a burger virgin anymore either.  (If you remember, his stretching virginity ended several weeks ago with Sydney.)

All right, see you back here tomorrow for Part 2!  We finally get to see Cassie go on a 1:1, and I hear there’s a scuffle between Onyeka and Nicole.

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