Hey, Ladies! How is it already week 5? It’s true what they say, time really does fly when girls are being crazy, ageist, petty, and judgmental. Ha!
If you missed Part 1 of last week’s episode, click HERE. When are girls going to learn to write “tacos” as their fear on Bachelor applications? COME ON, GIRLS! If you write “heights”, then you are for sure going to be jumping off of a building or out of a plane.
Click HERE for part 2 of last week’s episode. These two and their nasty shoes made us all want to rock back and forth in the corner. OFF THE BED, PLEASE.
LET’S GET STARTED! Oh, wait. I need to let you know that this week’s episode is again going to be divided into 2 parts.The little guy has now been home from school for 2 days with a terrible cough. That’s right, moms. Home from school. For 2 days. With a terrible cough. Pray for him. And for me. So far I haven’t forked him in the trachea, so I’m considering that a huge win.
The show opened with a quick little preview of the night’s episode. And I had SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
At the top of my list was what happened to Kirpa’s chin. HARRISON, WE WANT ANSWERS.
I was also wondering why it appeared that one of our front runners (I’m looking at you Elyse) was potentially making bad choices.
In the short preview, it was obvious that Colton was going to be very upset about something, so I might have found myself chanting “JUMP THE FENCE! JUMP THE FENCE! JUMP THE FENCE.” #allegedly
I mean, it’s time Colton. Let’s go ahead and scale that 10 foot fence and jump over like it ain’t no thang. We’re all here for it.
The girls were ready to “take their next steps with Colton” in Thailand.
But not until after he grabbed a quick outdoor shower. Because duh.
Heather, Let’s experience something new!
NO PRESSURE, NEVER BEEN KISSED HEATHER. I mean, Colton wants you to experience something new and Thailand just happens to be the perfect place to
fall in love have somebody’s tongue in your mouth for the first time.
Never Been Kissed Heather of course whipped out the Sonicare for a quick little refresh before heading to meet her man. Good call. 9/10 dentists agree that fresh breath is quite important when preparing to swap saliva with somebody.
The girl was excited to spend the day with Colton. How did I know she was excited? My reasoning was 2 fold: 1) I looked at her face. AND 2) Her voice rose 47 octaves. I’m guessing the octave jumps might also have been attributed to nervous energy she was harboring because of a potential first kiss. On National t.v. In front of millions. And her parents. And all of her previous boyfriends that she didn’t kiss.
BLOGGER BREAK: I really loved all of the delicate gold jewelry in this week’s show! Click HERE to see lots of dainty gold necklaces from my favorite jewelry designer. THIS NECKLACE is one of my favorites, and check out this lovely 3 strand necklace with a layered look (only $28!). Click HERE for lots of earring choices.
They hopped on a boat, floated down the river, and were putting off some serious Little Mermaid vibes. All they were missing were turtles playing percussion, grasshoppers playing strings, and a crab named Sebastian belting out a power ballad. I was definitely singing “Kiss The Girl” on my couch. #arielforever
Sing it with me y’all!
Sitting there across the way
She don’t got a lot to say
But there’s something about her
But you’re dying to try
You wanna kiss girl
My oh my
Looks like the boy’s too shy
Ain’t gonna kiss the girl
They road around all cuddled up, but their romantic little boat ride ended without a kiss. They walked around an outdoor market. Without a kiss.
BLOGGER BREAK: Heather’s simple black one piece was awesome. Click HERE for a great selection of black one pieces. I love the scallops on THIS ONE and this one shoulder number is a great deal! And y’all! My favorite denim shorts ever have been restocked in all sizes! Click HERE to see them on me in the pictures with the pink tee. I’m wearing my regular size, but size down if between sizes. I LOVE THEM and cannot recommend them enough.
They ate a little lunch together. Without a kiss. They shared an ice cream together. Without a kiss.
Heather even ate a little of her own hair.
And then we were treated to a little montage focusing on Colton’s mouth. #ewwwwww I didn’t need a close up of Colton licking his fingers. I didn’t sign up for this.
She was continuing to put off some major KISS ME NOWWWWWWWWWW energy, but I was starting to think he might not. They had some more awkward conversation, and they kept not kissing.
This continued all day and night long. Lots of awkward silence. And lots of NOT kissing.
Colton asked about her previous long term relationship, and she talked about how she always knew he wasn’t the right one, but she kept trying to make it happen. She’s not sure why they didn’t kiss, but they didn’t. Colton was open about the fact that he was concerned about being her first kiss (talk about pressure!), but she explained to him that it wasn’t like she was waiting for marriage or anything. Let’s be real, if we get to the heart of the matter, Colton was afraid a good first kiss might result in a Stage 5 Clinger.
At the end of dinner, he leaned over to grab the rose, but I thought he was leaning in for the kiss. I was mistaken.
BECAUSE HE STILL DIDN’T KISS HER.
It was getting soooo weird.
But when they ended up on the beach in front of a fire, I knew THIS WAS IT!
But it wasn’t. There was a side hug. BUT NO KISSING.
AND THEN THERE WERE FIREWORKS.
IN THE SKY.
AND THEY STILL WEREN’T KISSING.
I thought I was going to die. This was me.
At this point, I was more than willing to step in and kiss her myself. PUT ME IN, COACH!
But in the next second, he grabbed her face and kissed her.
THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE!
The kiss was sweet, and her little giggle in the middle of it was precious.
At the end of their date, Colton said, “I’m on a high and I don’t think there’s anything that can ruin it.”
Narrator: *quietly chuckles to himself*
Been Kissed Heather went back to the hotel. All the girls gathered around for story time, and Heather shared details of their date and their magical first kiss. I mean, there were LITERAL fireworks, y’all. All of the girls were sitting around in comfy clothes and acting happy for her, but not Elyse. She had made the decision to don an evening gown. It was an interesting choice.
In the middle of Been Kissed Heather’s story time, Elyse hopped up (in her evening gown, mind you), headed out the door, let it slam loudly behind her, and left all the girls scratching their heads.
It became obvious that she was making her way down a dark path (literally AND FIGURATIVELY) to Colton’s place of residence.
ELYSE, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT. WE THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS. We thought you knew that there was no way you’d get a 2nd date when sweet little Cassie hadn’t even had a 1:1 yet.
Clearly, we were mistaken.
I had some suggestions for Elyse that I wish I could have shared with her before she saw Colton:
1) Lose the evening gown. 2) Take down your up do. and 3) TAKE A CHILL PILL.
Colton was obviously surprised to see her, and probably confused by her gown. Join the club, man. There were lots of tears, she explained that it was hard for her to go on dates with him and then see him on dates with others, and she ended with “I can’t, I literally can’t accept your proposal after a few months after sharing your time and attention with other people.”
Did Elyse think she was going on Wheel of Fortune? Perhaps she would be better suited as one of Barker’s Beauties on The Price is Right. After all, we all know that she can rock a sparkly dress. I’m imagining she could also turn a price card on the Cliff Hanger game or beautifully highlight a reasonably priced new washer/dryer pair in a Showcase Showdown.
ELYSE, the entire premise of this show is to in fact share the guy for a few months with other women and then accept a proposal.
I will say that after she was all “peace out”, her gown choice totally made sense to me. You know this had to be her favorite rose ceremony dress that she had picked out, and she was going to be damned if she didn’t get to wear it on National tv. #RESPECT
Colton vlogged about the experience the next morning, and it was obvious that he had hadn’t slept much and/or had been crying all night long. I wanted to hug him. And hand him my favorite eye patches– they really work y’all!. And help him change out of his peach colored sleeveless tank into a more suitable short sleeved tee.
GROUP DATE: Demi, Kirpa, Caelynn, Onyeka, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Nicole, and Hannah G.
Will our love survive?
Which meant that Cassie was going to get the 1:1!!! WooHoo! (Read about their 1:1 in Part 2 tomorrow.)
But now it was time to meet 10 other ladies in the jungle!
And it was not to be confused with a park or a trail, it was an actual jungle.
You know, traipsing through the jungle is a lot like love. Colton wants his wife to be able to go on jungle hikes with him and demonstrate survival skills like eating bugs and wrangling eels.
They met up with Joe, a jungle expert, and he shared lots of jungle secrets with them. Joe put a snake on Colton, and he confided that snakes were his biggest fear. HOLD UP, Colton. I’m getting confused. Are you the most afraid of heights, of snakes, or of making it to the end and having your heart broken? Pick a fear and commit.
Joe then announced that they were going to break into teams for an hour and come back with items they found that would help them survive. Tayshia pulled a fast one and told the other girls to go get food while she and Colton went to “get some more water”. It appears she found the water IN HIS MOUTH.
Demi and The Hannahs totally cheated and took a jungle uber back to the hotel where they grabbed a cheeseburger and some champagne and brought it back to the jungle rendezvous. Demi was all, “These other girls can suck maggots. I’m drinking champagne.” I might as well say it, this girl is growing on me.
And then they shared their burger with Colton. And let’s just say, Colton’s not a burger virgin anymore either. (If you remember, his stretching virginity ended several weeks ago with Sydney.)
All right, see you back here tomorrow for Part 2! We finally get to see Cassie go on a 1:1, and I hear there’s a scuffle between Onyeka and Nicole.
Susan Jeffries says
Thank you for making Wednesday my favorite day of the week currently. Right after Friday of course;)
Jenny Alverson says
Love this!! Will have “Kiss the Girl” stuck in my head all day now! Haha
Love, love, love your recaps! Re: Kirpa’s chin…. apparently she was trying to take a selfie by the ocean in Thailand, slipped on some wet rocks and ended up with 5 stitches in her chin and a sprained hand. (According to E News)
OH NO!!!!!! That’s terrible!!!!!
YES ? There’s a deleted scene on ABC’s YouTube page about it.
Angela Ellingson says
I just googled this. You guys have to go watch it! Kirpa has so much more personality than you’d ever guess based on her very limited screen time.
Hilarious as always Sheaffer!!
Lynn Duncan says
Shay Shull says
I’m not going to lie…this post had my gag reflex going like crazy. All the kissing and hair eating…I mean, that’s some quality TV right there. Hahahaha!
So funny and so much goodness today! Elyse marching down to Colton’s room in her gown had me cringing the whole time!
I am pretty sure my laughter just woke up everyone in my house! #worthit I’m not watching this season but your recaps will always keep me coming back for more! Bravo!!!!
Kelly L Feaster says
Love it! Sooo much better than watching 2 hours of that crap…also, the Little Mermaid song made my day!
Your recaps always crack me up! You are so funny, Sheaffer! Can’t wait for part 2 tomorrow 🙂
I mean, what can I say besides thank you, for suffering through hours of “The Bachelor” to bring us these hilarious posts. Always crack me up. Xoxo
P.S. My daughter missed SIX DAYS of school because she could not. stop. coughing; I feel your pain. Hope Carter recovers quickly.
Johannah! 6 days? OMG! Poor thing! I feel so badly for Carter, but he’s much better today! You deserve a mommy medal for sure! xoxo
Erika Slaughter says
I was cringing for Never Been Kissed Heather! I’m pretty sure I screamed, “Just lay one on him” at some point in their date.
Such a good recap! So glad I get to read this and don’t watch it now.
Aside from nail biting, licking fingers has to be one of the nastiest habits. Seriously, think of anyone you know who licks their fingers while eating and it’s probably the same one who rarely washes their hands. I can think of three. Beyond gross!
The bachelor posted a video of what happened to Kirpa! And I’m totally starting to like Demi also ?♀️! Love your recaps!
Kelly Linton says
I think I just peed myself!! I was dying!!! What would we do without you!! LOL You’re the best!!
I love your recaps!! I laughed out loud when I saw that Heather’s description had changed from “Never been kissed” to “Has been kissed” ?
Tell me you have heard about this…. https://www.popsugar.com/entertainment/Bachelor-Cassie-Randolph-Young-Once-Docuseries-45753335
Cassie is on ANOTHER reality show? I just heard this on the AfterBuzz podcast… so crazy.
I had heard that, Alison! Just last week! I have a friend who is friends with her sister (just found out last week), and it appears that she’s a really great girl! xoxo
Just saw that her ex posted a very nice comment about her and that their relationship ended long ago the other show was filmed a while ago but they are airing it now to capitalize on the bachelor audience.
Can’t believe Hannah B didn’t shout “Roll Tide” after downing that grub like a champ!
Love your recaps! They are honestly better than the show! But did anyone else think it was weird that “never been kissed Heather” dated someone for 8 months and still “had never been kissed?” That just seems off to me!
These recaps are the best! Couldn’t agree more about Colton’s peach tank top. What in the world?!
Great recap but I can’t help but think these “blogger breaks” are just another money grab. Sigh. Seems all bloggers are going that way anymore, swipe up for this or that or “this is my new fav and so cozy”. I miss the old days when bloggers weren’t trying to sell me something constantly. I’ve lost trust in your word b/c you monetize everything. I appreciate some of the less greedy bloggers like Andrea Decker who aren’t adding links and swipe ups on everything.
Hey, Erin! I truly appreciate your honesty, so I’m going to be honest too! The “blogger breaks” that were in today’s post are absolutely a way for me to insert some links into a post that takes a reallllllllllllllly long time to write, but makes very little money. The blog is an income source for my family, so I sometimes make the decision to insert links into my Bachelor posts. That being said, I can definitely understand how if you are coming here for the recap that the links can be annoying! If not interested in the links, I hope you you’ll just skip over them!
As far as you losing trust in my word, I don’t think that’s a fair assessment of what I’m aiming to do around here. If I’m wearing something and recommending it, it’s because I truly love it. I feel very strongly about the fact that y’all trust me, and that y’all are spending hard earned money on my recommendations, so I never want to compromise that trust. I have this theory that if I have a reader that buys more than 2-3 things that I’ve recommended that they don’t love, that I could very well lose them as a reader. So, while you’re right in that I’m monetizing everything (this is a shopping blog and has been since Day 1), I can promise you that I’m not ever going to recommend something that I don’t love myself. It’s just not how I work. It never has been, and it never will be.
Thanks for giving me the chance to respond!
I swore I wasn’t watching Colton as the bachelor (I was team Jason by the end of Becca’s season)…. but I gave in-mostly to enhance my enjoyment of your recaps!! They are hilarious. Also I would guess that like me, most of your followers are thankful for the shopping links (“blogger break”-I learned a new term…) I skip some and click on some but when it’s something I’m interested in I want an easy way of getting to it-and that’s just what the links provide. So a big thank you ? and keep up the great work!
Thanks, Val!!! 🙂 xoxo
Personally, I love your Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps and don’t care if you insert links.They don’t bother me even though I’m not much of a shopper so I generally just skip over them. You do what you need to do to keep your blog going. I appreciate your time invested and I particularly appreciate your humor.
Thank you, Sara! xoxo