It’s Bachelorette time.
And to be honest, I’m part THRILLED and part DEVASTATED that we are about to go on this journey together. Sigh.
I will say that in the first 5 minutes of the show I am mildly intrigued because Andi manages to show us several really cute outfits!
A black power suit.
A yellow dress with a dark denim jacket and wedges.
Dark denim jeans with a light denim shirt, a cognac belt, and some nude wedges.
Jeans with a sheer white top (found it, it’s Free People HERE and on sale!)
White jeans with a bright orange shell and a black blazer.
And ALWAYS with the MK large faced gold watch.
Love it.
Even if this season bites, at least we’ll get to see some cute outfits!
I am happy to report that her Large Gold MK Runway watch that I was so worried about last season when she was wearing it under the waterfall, seems to be alive and tickin’! She was wearing it in several of the shots during the first several minutes of the show. Whew!
Several things before we really get into it.
1)
I would like to write an open letter to the powers that be at ABC.
Dear ABC Execs,
I rather enjoyed the 1 1/2 hour show this week, as opposed to the regular 2 hour show that too often just seems like a long slow death to me.
90 minutes is PLENTY O’ TIME to go on this journey.
If you would kindly take this into consideration, I America would be forever grateful.
Hugs and Kisses,
Sheaffer
2)
Another quick note to the Bachelor Producers.
Provide more alcohol to the guys before their first meeting.
Also it might be fun to not let them eat.
Yes, I think hungry and drunk could be the perfect formula to kick up these meetings a notch. Or 7.
3)
I’m sure most of you DVR the show and don’t watch the commercials…so I feel like it is my public duty to inform you that Desiree was in some sort of Suave infomercial during one of the commercial breaks.
She and this hair guy talked about her wedding hair.
It was slightly painful.
4)
Andi declares in her opening package that she could be engaged by the summer.
Andi.
Tap the breaks.
You might want to meet the guys first.
Speaking of!
Okay. HERE WE GO.
It shows some of the guys inside of their limos, and I already see a common theme emerging.
On Desiree’s season (I think it was Desiree’s anyway), it was the brightly colored tank top and deep v-neck that kept appearing.
And on this season, I already see that these guys seem to love gingham.
Hey, I get it. I love gingham too.
#whodoesn’tlovegingham
#nobody
Guy #1.
Marcus from Dallas. 25. Sports Medicine Manager.
First guy out of the limo and we have a hottie people!
And, I’d like to point out that Andi goes ahead and asserts that she’s “a hugger”.
He says “I have a lot to give and offer” and seems genuine and actually not cheesy at all.
Andi responds to this by saying “Okay!”
AND LET THE RECORD SHOW YOUR HONOR….this is about the 1st of 76,000 times she says “okay” during the show, WHICH I FIND ODD…considering she blasted Huhwahan for
saying “It’s Okay”.
Andi.
Don’t make me tally mark your “okays”. I’m not afraid.
Guy #2.
Chris from Iowa. 32. Farmer.
Let’s all agree that Chris is nice enough, but Andi doesn’t seem like
the kind of gal who will live on a farm and be an hour and a half from
the closest mall. Or grocery store.
It’s okay Andy.
I’m not that kind of girl either.
Guy #3.
JJ from San Fransisco. 30. He’s a Pantsapreneur.
Um, WHAT?
This is what I can gather…he’s an entrepreneur….trying to market a new fangled thing called pants.
Yeah…we’ve been there and done that JJ. Everybody knows and love pants.
Still, I think he might be pretty likeable. After he takes the suspenders off of course.
He does say that “he feels giddy inside” and “is excited to kick of this love quest.”
Um, no. Just no.
And….can you figure out who he looks like?
I’m going to give you a second.
………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………….
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Bill Nye The Science Guy.
(I wish I would have thought of this myself, but I’ve got to give the credit to Allison.
Shout out Allison!)
Seriously. Put a lab coat on JJ and hand him a beaker, and you wouldn’t know the difference.
Guy #4.
Marquel from Las Vegas. 26. Sponsorship Salesman.
And our first LOVER OF GINGHAM.
Later in the night Marquel has a cookie tasting with Andi.
He pulls out a black and white cookie and tells her to look to the cookie.
Tasos from Denver, Co. 30. He’s a wedding event coordinator.
He brings a lock for them to put it on a gate, like people do at that famous bridge (that I think is in Paris). Andi thought it was cute.
Guy #6.
Cody from Chicago. 28. Personal trainer.
His schtick is that he pushes the limo up the driveway.
But here’s what stands out in my mind about him.
His suit confuses me. And his suit jacket collar is popped.
#putdownthecollarcody
#andmaybechangeyourname
Guy #7.
Steven from California. 28. Snowboard Product Developer.
He was “stoked” to be there.
Guy #8.
Rudie from California. 31. Attorney.
I’m staring at him because I think he looks like somebody, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
He looks like the Beav.
Now wait.
He looks like Peter Brady.
HOLD. UP.
It’s Donny Osmond. He looks like Donny Osmond!
Guy #9.
Carl from Fort Lauderdale. 30. Firefighter.
Carl loves some gingham too. But he decided to contain his gingham love to his tie.
Well played Carl.
You don’t want to let your gingham all hang out too soon.
Guy #10.
Jason from Wisconson. 35. Urgent Care Physician.
Here’s the thing Jason. You’re a doctor. And doctors don’t have bobs.
He tells her that because he’s a doctor he can tell things about her by just looking at her.
He thinks she might have a fever because she “looks really hot.”
And then Andi gives him the courtesy laugh of all courtesy laughs.
Guy #11.
Nick from Chicago. 33. Software Sales Executive.
I’m immediately confused because he looks pretty dang similar to Rudie.
And The Beav.
And Peter.
And Donnie.
Guy #12.
Dylan from Boston.. 26. Accountant.
He was incredibly nervous, and I thought it was cute.
Guy #13.
Patrick from Newport Beach. 29. Advertising Executive.
That’s all I got.
Guy #14.
Emil from Costa Mesa, California. 33. Helicopter Pilot.
In case you don’t know how to pronounce his name, don’t you worry, he’ll help you out with that.
“It’s Anal with an M.”
No Joke. That’s what he said.
Thanks for that Anal with an M.
And thank you mom and dad for not naming me Anal with an M.
p.s.
I’m pretty sure there’s something written in the Bachelor handbook that outlines the fact that if you say “anal” during first introductions that you get immediately disqualified.
#don’teversayanal
If it’s not in the Bachelor handbook, it should be.
And while we’re on the subject, this little “never say anal” piece of advice doesn’t just apply to reality t.v. It’s a lesson that can be applied in real life too.
That’s just a little life nugget from me to you. Take it an apply it.
Guy #15.
Brett from Pennsylvania. 29. Hairstylist.
I think THANK HEAVENS!
A HAIRSTYLIST!
I immediately start dreaming of a night at the mansion in the not so distant future where too much Zima, a set of clippers, and a double dog dare from one of the guys results in an impromptu beauty shop situation.
I’m looking at you Dr. Long Hair, Snow Boarder Steven, and the other guy with the long hair who you will meet in a minute.
Brett steps out of the limo, and there is a sudden change in the music.
That is ABC’s away of alerting us that something is about to happen.
Is it something good?
Is it something bad?
Neither really. It’s just something dumb.
He steps out of the limo with a lamp, and I immediately think “I LOVE LAMP.”
And apparently so does everybody else on social media.
It was probably trending.
So yes. He comes out of the limo with a lamp.
It COULD have been funny.
But alas, it wasn’t.
Brett crashed and burned.
There was no follow through with his lamp bit.
Brett, if you are going to bring a lamp out of the limo YOU HAVE TO COMMIT.
I would like to commend the editing team though.
The music they put under this whole meeting was hilarious.
Guy #16.
Craig from Denver. 29. Tax Accountant.
He hops out of the limo and starts spraying champagne all over the already glistening driveway.
Clean up on aisle 7.
I immediately like Craig. Not really because I think he’s the perfect match for Andi (because I have no idea), but because Craig I’ve got a feeling that Carl is going to make the cocktail parties FUN.
Craig seems a little over-eager, and I’m thinking that when you combine over-eager with a gin and tonic, FIREWORKS PEOPLE.
#somebodygetthismanaginandtonic
Guy #17.
Ron from Memphis. 28. Beverage Sales Manager.
We’ve got another gingham lover.
*lavendarginghamforthewin
Guy #18.
Bradley from Missouri. 32. Opera Singer.
Yes, he is an opera singer.
#buh-bye
Guy #19.
Josh from Denver. 29. Telecommunication Marketer.
#joshlovesginghamtoo
Seems like a regular guy. Super sweet and easy to talk to.
Guy #20.
Nick from Florida. 27. Pro Golfer.
He toots up on a golf cart.
My first impression is that he’s exactly like a guy I went to high school with.
He’s that guy from high school (you all remember him) that’s cute enough (but not super cute), but all of the girls LOVED him because he was JUST. SO. MUCH. FUN.
Tell me that you all didn’t think of that exact guy from your high school.
I bet 9/10 of you have a name floating around in your head right now.
Every school has THAT guy.
Guy #21.
Brian from Pennsylvania. 27. Basketball Coach.
Again, seems like a regular guy that’s cute and genuine.
He admits to tying his tie like 6 times because of nerves.
Guy #22.
Andrew from California. 30. Social Media Marketer.
#ginghamrocks
Guy #23.
Mike from Utah. 29. Bartender.
He has a nickname that he shares with her. People call him Camps.
There’s no way this guy is getting a rose.
Guy #24.
Eric from California. 31. Explorer.
Eric is the young man who died in a tragic hang gliding accident after he left filming, and he seems so sweet, so normal, and just like an all-around great guy.
He forget to tell her his name, and when she asked his name he had such a cute reaction.
He seems amazing. And he has dimples for days. SO cute.
It breaks my heart for his friends and family.
Guy #25.
Josh from Atlanta, Georgia. 29. Former pro-baseball player.
Gosh this Josh has some seriously white teeth. And again, we’ve got dimples.
So, now I see two season themes emerging this season.
#gingham
#dimples
SO THAT’S IT FOR THE INTROS!
TIME TO HEAD INTO THE MANSION!
It’s late, and I’m fading, so I’m going to make this short.
She loves the pro-baseball player.
Pink Shirt hosts his cookie tasting.
Chris Bukowski shows up and makes his case for the fact that he needs to meet Andi.
You guys remember Chris?
You don’t, well, here’s a little refresher.
The security guard with his tiny little braids is SO OVER Chris B. and his shenanigans.
Seriously. Look at his face.
Harrison goes and tells Andi that Chris B. is a party-crasher and dying to meet her.
As soon as she can put a face to the name, she’s all “No thank you”.
I think Andi made the “right” decision, but I would have LOVED Chris being in the house.
The only guy I would have turned away faster?
This guy.
While Harrison is out kicking Bukowski to the curb, two of the guys in the mansion are falling in love. With each other. They have “so much in common” and a full fledged romance is starting to develop right before our eyes.
The opera guy is singing .Weird.
Marcus speaks Polish.
Who goes home?
Dr. Long Hair
Anal with an M
The Beav Peter Brady Donny Rudie
I’m so stoked Steven
Camps
Bitter Party of 1 (a.k.a Josh)
Pack your bags boys. It’s time to get up on outta here.
And I don’t know if this is true, but I hear that Harrison slipped the limo driver a $20 and told him to just go ahead and swing by Pro-Cuts on the way to the airport.
And then there were 19.
I would like to leave you with some questions:
1)
Why is that guy’s nickname Camps?
I feel like an explanation was needed.
2)
Are we all scared of Chris Bukowski, or is that just me?
3)
Do you suddenly feel a deep desire to add a gingham shirt to your closet?
Come back next week for Episode 2!!!
*********************************************************************
All right ladies…if you made it through the recap, you should reward yourself with a little shopping. Lucky for you, there are still lots of great deals to be had.
My new favorite wedges are on sale again! (Pay no attention to the April date in the pic below, they are on sale again!)
Click HERE!
$77.40 and FREE SHIPPING AND RETURNS!
Here they are on me! Love.
LOFT is 40% OFF your ENTIRE PURCHASE again!
AND you can get the Cash Cards! With every $50 you spend, you can get TWO $25 LOFT cash cards. So basically, you can shop for 40% off today, and you can shop for 50% off later!
Click HERE to shop the entire sale.
Click HERE for my shorts that I love!
These run big, so order down. For size reference, I’m wearing a 2.
And I found my top! Thanks Kim for the heads up on how to find it!
Click HERE for my top. For size reference, I’m wearing a small.
(Sorry, the necklace was from years ago from LOFT.)
The Rubbish Military Jacket is now $26.98.
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.
I know.
You might have already seen or heard about this (because I’ve done everything but rent a plane to sky write it across the sky, but this jacket is awesome.
It comes in 5 colors.
AND IT’S SO FLIPPING CUTE.
And I don’t know if you heard, BUT IT’S $26.98.
This one is a bit longer than my other military jackets and has a REALLY COOL collar!!!!!
can also be cinched up (there’s a draw string inside the collar) and
it’s DARLING all cinched up.
Again, for size reference, I’m wearing a small.
practical to add another one to your closet (for the record, you’re
wrong)…but if you like the jacket and just don’t want it to be green, YOU’RE IN LUCK!
Click HERE.
And a couple more of my favorites from Wednesday’s post.
Do you see my heels?
OOH. LA. LA.
And guess what? They aren’t just HOT, they are COMFY!
No lie. They are the most comfy heels I’ve ever owned.
And my friend Jeni wore THESE to girl’s night last night.
She was wearing yellow shorts, a white v-neck, and THESE sandals.
And I’m telling you, DARLING.
They made her regular ol’ t-shirt and shorts look AMAZING!
I wouldn’t have given them a second thought if I wouldn’t have seen her in them.
But DANG. After seeing her in them, I’m not sure I can resist their siren song.
I went to Nordstrom this morning and tried on several of the on sale shoes.
And I LOVED these next three.
I was planning on posting them on Monday, but when I got home I got scared they might sell out over the weekend in the popular sizes. So, here you go!
nude with gold cuff HERE
saddle with brass studs HERE
brass with gold cuff HERE
Now, for your shopping ease, I threw some more of my favorite SALE ITEMS
SHOES
BAGS
DRESSES
PANTS / JEANS / SHORTS / SKIRTS
TOPS
OUTER LAYERS
SWIMSUITS
And one more time, click HERE to see my original post with picks in case you missed it!
Or just click HERE to shop the entire sale.
It’s broken down into categories and easy to sort through all of the goods
Susan Jeffries says
I must admit that I never watch those shows but I always read your commentaries. You are totally hilarious!! Susan
Mix and Match Mama says
Oh my goodness friend…you are hilarious. Seriously hilarious. I'm going to miss seeing you girls today….love you!
Mysweetgirlsx2 says
You are soooo funny! Please continue to do these commentaries, I also don't watch the show but I'm going to start just so I can read this afterward!!! That bit on Anal brought me to tears.
Peggy Bowes says
Sooooo funny! Thanks for the laugh this morning!
Neila says
Hilarious! Can you find some of those gingham shirts for my husband? I love them!
mamamac says
Laughed out loud and my 3 year old son asked me what was so funny.
Dani {Adventures of a Pharm Girl} says
I am not a fan of Andi. Like at all (she was so mean to Juan Pablo! 🙁 ) but at least we have your HILARIOUS recaps to look forward to. They serioulsly make my day hahah! Thanks for sharing! Have a great weekend!!
x Dani
Anonymous says
I'm dying in SC…your post about the Bachelor/Bachelorette are much more entertaining than the actual show! Thanks for the Friday morning laugh!
Have a great weekend,
Shanna from SC
melissabunny100 says
Wow, I feel like I watched the show!! Great job! And, you should be a foot model, they are always perfect!! And, who does not love good looking toes!
Hayley Chandler says
I love your recaps!!! LOVE them! Thanks for always giving me a good laugh.
Alison @ Get Your Pretty On says
I laughed out loud at the guy that looks like the love child of the Beave, Peter Brady and Donny Osmond. He really does look like all three!
Jaylyn Bond says
Dying. Your Bach Recaps are always hilarious! I also wondered why his nickname is Camps and it's because his last name is Campanelli
Danielle says
Who needs to watch the show when we get your recaps! Amazing! Love them 🙂
Liz/ says
Yay so happy you are doing the recap again this season…..by far the best part of the season!!!
{Hi Sugarplum!} says
It's on like donkey kong….can't wait to not watch this season and read your recaps! 😉 this was just full of funny….and you know I'd know 😉 xo
Christine P says
Hilarious! Loved this line 'You're a doctor. And doctors don't have bobs.' hahaha. terrible hair.
Claire says
I never watch this show but I look forward to your recaps because they are hilarious. Thank you for sitting through the torture for me! Also, I recently got a green gingham shirt dress from Gap on sale and it's adorable!
Kari Maddox says
I called when I said, here is a professional woman, why would she want to date a man with long hair. BAM. What did she do…get rid of every single one of them with long hair. Love basketball coach, ex baseball player, golfer and marcus
D says
You are awesome… I LOVE your recaps, and I know they're so much work for you, so thank you. Quick question: would you say your Sam Edelman wedges are comfortable? Easy to walk in? They look a little thin…
Sheaffer says
Hi D! I think they are comfortable, but they do seem to be a little bit taller than the MUST HAVE wedge, so they are a little more difficult to walk in. I wouldn't wear them to the mall, but I will definitely be wearing them out to eat and for shorter little outings! Hope this helps!
xoxo,
Sheaffer 🙂
Adventures with Little man says
I always look forward to your recaps. You had me laughing so hard. Great work!
Rebecca Jo says
So glad the recaps are back!!!!!
Seriously.. Amal? What cruel parents.
That attorney DID look like those baby faced boys.
Sandy says
I didn't watch this week, but now that I read this, I may have to just so that I can laugh again! So funny!!
Auralee says
Your recap cracks me up! Well said!!!
Andi says
I LOVE your fashion posts and look forward to them all week but the Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps?? They are EVERYTHING. You are so freaking hysterical! I love when someone's comedic writing translates to me snorting and choking on my food while I sit alone at my computer. Hilarious.
Jackie T. says
Hysterical! And…do y'all think that is the last of Chris B.? Was he really intrigued with Andi or looking for another 15 minutes of fame? Looking forward to your season of re-caps girl!
Lana says
So glad you are recapping this for all of us! I weaned myself off the bachelor/ette series a few years ago – and just in time, because I miss Juan-Pablo-the horrible. I ordered the Rubbish jacket on Monday as per your instructions 🙂 It already came – but it's too big (so sad). Hoping they have it in the store and I can try it on before I return. Have a great weekend!
Katie says
Your recap was spot on and hysterical! So funny!
Katie says
Your recap was spot on and hilarious!! 🙂
MikiT says
I don't like the show AT ALL so don't watch it. However, your recap is quite entertaining & hilarious! I look forward to next week's recap. I think it's better than the show 🙂 I've been following your blog for about a month & love it.
Danika says
Sheaffer, I'd like you to know that I laughed and enjoyed your recap, a gazillion times more than I did the actually show. It was boring, I nearly fell asleep. Thank goodness it was only 90 minutes. I couldn't possibly have sat through another 30. The season better pick up and fast. I seriously laughed out loud at what you said about Andi not being a farm girl because she would never survive being that far from a mall. Truth.
Can't wait for next weeks recap!!
Anonymous says
Oh my goodness, I just found your blog and I got to say I am addicted!!! I feel like you are my best friend who has been hidden in a closet all these years!…(and I also think it is really strange to feel like your actually "friends" with virtual people, so I am very confused in my head!) Now I feel like I can never go shopping any more without taking you with me. And my Bachelorette time suck is now 20 minutes longer because I just HAVE to read your review. Although I do not have time for you, I just can't quit you!!!! BFF forever…haha! 😉
Natalie says
Shaeffer! OMG your recap was amazing…I didn't even watch the show but I read your whole post because HILARIOUS! Thanks!
C Tran says
Those heels (Jeni's) are to die for. So cute!
http://chilan-tran.blogspot.com
stefanyag says
I was curious as well about "Camps" and I read that's his last name. 🙂 Question One, solved!
Baby Mama says
These Bachelorette recaps SO FUNNY. I died laughing 100 times!
kristinwithani says
Oh, Baby Eagle Chris. That was creepy.
True, male doctors should not have bobs. Let's try that again, men should not have bobs!
I'm so glad you are back! Between you and Ashley Spivey, I'm all set.
Anonymous says
I love your recaps!! Laughed my whole way through this post. I couldn't agree more about the "anal" guy, and loved the comment about the Dr. with the bob…if the bob wouldn't stop someone from going to him, hopefully the fact that he went to med school at University of the Carribean would!
Lisa Odom says
Go back and watch #6 with Andi during the cocktail party. When Andi is wearing his jacket outside you can see it still has the label/tag on the sleeve……..?????
Eryka says
I miss the bachelorette recaps! Do you plan to continue writing these?