every last one of ya.
I mean, OH MY WORD AT THE BORING.
Right?
I like Des, and I even like some of the guys, but I’m just finding it hard to get into it!
Is it just me?
Please…discuss…..
Anyhoo…. let’s just get started….In summary
Sie saugen Ben und tun Sie Sie so Bryden
Which means:
You suck Ben, and so do you Bryden.
FYI: I plan to be hashtagging in German all day.
#gewöhnen an Sie sich es
#getusedtoit
The whole gang is off to Munich, Germany.
And the trip to Germany was obviously sponsored by jewel toned hoodie
manufacturers across Europe.
I mean guys! WOW!
#Kapuzenpullis für immer
#hoodiesforever
I’m thinking that Northface really missed a sponsorship opportunity here.
Chris gets the first 1:1.
You know, eating sausage and drinking beer with some “oompah” thrown in for good measure.
This happened. Ew.
And of course they managed to wrangle Chris into some typical German attire. Typical that is if he was living in Germay in the 1800s, in a snow globe, or in a cuckoo clock.
#theyjustlookliketightbermudashortswithsuspenderstome
Back at the house Bryden declares that he is ready to leave.
Not later that day, not in 15 minutes…but right that cotton pickin’ second.
He wanders the streets of Germany looking for Des which I think is HILARIOUS (and a bit reminiscent of Sean screaming Emily’s name in the streets of Prague).
Can’t he just turn to one of the 34 producers that he is with and ask one of them if they would mind calling one of the 76 people that Des is with?
Seems like it might be a bit easier.
Anyway, Bryden feels the need to find Des IN THE MIDDLE OF HER 1:1 WITH ANOTHER GUY to tell her that he’s just not that into her.
Bryden, you suck.
I LOVED how Des was totally nonchalant about it and was all like “Okay. Bye Bryden.”
That’s right Bryden! You and your hair can just get on outta here.
And speaking of hair…WHAT THE FRACK is going on with Michael’s hair back at the hotel?
Is Germany known for humidity?
#Ihr Haar ist verrückt
#yourhairisjackedupdude
The group date card is read, and by process of elimination it is determined that Ben and Michael will be going on the 2:1 with Des.
The Federal Prosecuter in Mikey declares that he is going to convict Ben of being a fraud…
and oh yeah, he is also going to, AND I QUOTE “murder Ben”.
Now Michael, I don’t claim to know a lot about the inner-workings of our judicial system…
but I have watched a lot of CSI in my day, and I think that’s what they call premeditation.
Something that you want to try to steer clear from whenever possible.
Back to the date with Chris.
They go to a private formal dinner, and Chris says he is excited about not worrying about anything…
Not even about when he has to go to bed or when he has to brush his teeth.
what?
#Ich bin so verwirrt
#i’msoconfused
Do you normally worry about brushing your teeth?
Anyway, Chris writes her poem (no shocker there), and she is obviously touched by his sweetness.
Now, hold on to your seats people…..the producers have a big surprise up their sleeve.
It’s a private concert.
A private concert!
I know.
This is totally unprecedented.
Oh wait, I think this is already like the 17th private concert this season.
He gets a rose, declares he is falling in love and he believes that she is too.
He states that she doesn’t have to actually say it,
but that he will see it in her eyes and feel it through her kisses.
# Sie sind ein süßer Kerl, aber es wird nie geschehen
#you’reasweetguybutit’snevergonnahappen
On to the group date.
The whole crew is heading to the top of a mountain on a gondola.
Here’s my summary of the group date:
mountains
snow
yodeling
sledding
hats
coats
snowball fights
ice house
snowmen
Zac telling Des he almost became a priest
(shirtless and pantless priests are generally not supported by other members of the clergy)
clouds
cold
Yep…that about sums up the group date.
Oh, and Brooks gets the rose.
Ben, Michael, and Chris are back at the hotel.
LOTS of akward silence and jaw clenching from Michael G.
The 2:1 date card comes and Chris reads it:
2 guys. 1 rose. 1 stays, 1 goes.
The same poem every year.
CHRIS! Can’t you put your poetry skills to good use and come up with something new and different?
Time for Michael G and Ben to go on their 2:1.
So, here’s the deal, if I were Desiree, I’m pretty sure I would have jumped right out of the hot tug into the ice cold water just to get away from Michael prosecuting Ben. Yes. Hypothermia would have sounded like a welcome break from these 2.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Ben (I’m sure he’s lovely in person…I just don’t like how is is coming off on the show)…but I think Michael went about things all wrong.
We take a quick break from all of the hot tug awkwardness by cutting to all the guys back at the hotel. Drew and some of the other guys are having some pillow talk about a conversation that some of them overheard between Mikey and James.
It’s seems as if James might not be there for the right reasons…but I don’t even care.
All I care about is that I finally realized who Drew reminds me of!
I mean y’all.
That’s uncanny!
#wenn ich Recht habe, habe ich Recht
#wheni’mright,i’mright
Anyway, this is what I got from all of the James talk:
Back to the 2:1 date.
#töten Sie mich, töten Sie mich jetzt
#killme,killmenow
When we get back to the 2:1, these 3 are sitting down to an intimate dinner.
And by intimate, I mean the worst and most awkward situation you have ever been in or will ever be in times infinity.
At the moment Michael first opens his mouth, Desiree wants the ground to swallow her up whole.
If Ben ends up dead in a couple of weeks, I’m going to go ahead and call it now.
Michael, in the frigid cold waters, with the hot tug.
Michael berates Ben about his lack of parenting, about his ability to make friends, and about the fact that he didn’t attend church on Easter….all the while taking angry bites of his food.
And listen, it’s not WHAT Michael is saying. It’s HOW he is saying it all.
He needs work on his delivery. It was a big turn off.
The crazy thing is, Michael didn’t even air Ben’s biggest grievance of all….
that’s right…you guessed it….the black muscle tank.
Yep.
That would have been CASE CLOSED for me.
Lock him up and throw away the key.
I was thinking that Des really might let both of them go…but she just lets Ben go.
And when she does, Ben didn’t do himself any favors in the eyes of America.
Here are a couple of his quotes during his exit:
“F this”
“Do you want me to sit here and look unhappy? I’m not.”
“The fact that Michael made it farther than me. Wow.”
“You guys missed out. The single dad from Texas.”
And then….my favorite part….
he waves at the camera with both hands and says “Hi Hollywood”.
Ben. You suck too.
Chris and Des sit down for a bit before the rose ceremony.
She admits that the 2 people she likes kissing the most are Brooks and Zak.
Something tells me that they will both be in the top 3!
Drew can’t wait to pull Des aside and tell her about James’s intentions…
but Des drops a bomb and says there isn’t going to be a cocktail party.
Dun dun dun.
Des keeps James.
She lets Mikey go.
The End.
Until next week.
Ugh.
****************************************
Before you go, I have some AWESOME things on sale to share with you.
1)
So I ordered my dark distressed Vigoss jeans yesterday at 33% off (click HERE).
And then last night I saw that there is a light pair too!
Thank heavens Nordstrom has free shipping, because I think I need the light pair too!
Do I? What do we think?
Under $40 for a pair of great jeans is just too good to pass up!
Click HERE for the light pair!
2)
If you are an ONLY DESIGNER JEANS kind of girl, I’ve got some good options for you too!
THIS pair of Citizens of Humanity jeans is 33% off.
THESE pair of cropped Paige jeans are 40% off.
7 For All Mankind 40% off HERE (only 3 sizes left).
Or, click HERE to see all jeans on sale.
3)
Click HERE to see some Smashbox makeup sets for a FANTASTIC deal!
One reviewer said:
I found this set because I was looking for a
pallet of brown shadows, some really light and others really dark. This
set had both! And even better came with a lipstick, bronzer, mascara
and eye liner. I like the bronzer, but it’s a bit too light for my skin
in the summer. However, the shadows were what I was looking for and they
are awesome!!
4)
Lots of Sequin Bracelets are on sale again HERE!
I am still absolutely obsessed with mine, and I know some of you are now too!
Thanks for the heads up Awndrea!
5)
THIS gorgeous Fossil tote is 33% off! Great deal on a great bag.
6)
If you are due to buy new make-up anytime soon, you might want to take advantage of this offer!
Click HERE to shop Bobbi Brown makeup.
*Online only. One per person, while supply lasts. Gift will be added
automatically in Checkout and can only be shipped to the same
destination as your order. This gift cannot be shipped to international
addresses.
And one last thing before you go……
Rodan + Fields is one of my awesome sponsors, and I’ve been hearing some buzz about 3 of their products. I thought I would share some of that buzz with you!
Microdermabrasion Paste….Gently exfoliates your skin with an oil free
sugar/salt scrub featuring vitamins C and E. Leaves your face feeling
smooth and polished. Be warned…this stuff is so addictive it’s been
referred to as “skin crack”…finally an addiction you can feel good
about!
Serum……Each little blue capsule (of liquid youth) contains a potent
blend of peptides and retinol to improve skin texture and firmness and
reduce the appearance of wrinkles. It was even picked as an Editor’s Choice by
Harper’s Bazaar!
Lip Renewing Serum……Little silver capsules full of peptides and
anti-oxidants help lips retain their natural moisturizing
factors…smoothing lip texture and reducing the appearance of lip
wrinkles. Keep those lips soft and kissable with this serum!
Betsey will be happy to help you with any questions or orders you might have!
Her e-mail is: smileybets@comcast.net
See you back here tomorrow for some of my newest obsessions!
There’s some great ones! 🙂
Tara G. says
I have ZERO interest in watching this show. Counting down the days with you. Perhaps you should just plan your retail therapy immediately after watching/writing the post.
kristinwithani says
ç
Amanda @ Speculating Jokebird says
I just think you are adorable, that's all I have to say.
The Lovely One says
I agree that this season is a huge snoozefest. I'll still watch it every week, and I'll still blog about it, but it's just so lame this season. But it's always better when there's only one guy with a houseful of girls– girls are always more drama!
Mix and Match Mama says
Ben does suck! He really, really does! This has been my favorite recap so far!! You had me cracking up at a really boring episode of the show! Well done friend!
Mandy S. says
This season is soo boring! I literally fall asleep watching it every Monday. I have yet to make it through an entire episode. I hope they don't use one of these guys for the Bachelor because I fear for next season as well.
Rachel says
I agree that the hot tug should have been much more fun than it was–kind of disappointed that it had to be so awkward! I also liked your recap of the group date. Check out
Stephen's week 5 pep talk to the guys !!! 🙂
Jaylyn Bond says
Your recaps make watching this boring season soooo much better!!!
A Modern Commonplace Book says
You are not alone! Its a super boring season – but your recap made it so much better! I LOVE your German hashtags – bahaha!
Ginny
Kelly Jean says
This is hilarious! You are so right. Its been pretty boring but I'm still hooked!
aprilparrish says
I think there is something wrong with me because I was so upset that she sent Ben packing. I really liked Ben. 🙁
It's only a matter of time before Michael is out too!
I don't understand what she sees in Brooks. She enjoys kissing him and I think that there are others on the show that I would rather be locking lips with. But hey that's just me!!! 🙂
There have definitely been better seasons of the bachelorette! Thanks for making it funny as usual!
Cheryl says
Totally agree with you……this season is so boring……I think Des is a sweet girl from everything that we saw when she was with Sean and this season….but that doesn't make for good tv watching….???……there have been some other bachlorette's who were sweet girls but their personalities seemed to be bigger than Des' is…..they, themselves, had more to talk about……..and this group of guys don't have it either…….I don't know what the ratings are this season but they have to be low…….I do agree with one of the other comments…..The Bachelor seasons are always better because women always bring tons of drama….ha, ha…..but none of these guys are right to bring back as the lead…..please, please go elsewhere and find The Bachelor….can you put a word in with anyone at that show and make sure about that???……one season of boring I can handle but if the boring continues into The Bachelor, I'm afraid it will be the end of my viewing!!!!
Aubs says
How you continue to come up with such good material is beyond me but thank goodness you do!! You're recaps are about the only great thing about this season!! (for realz!) I'm a die hard fan but I just cannot get into this season at all. (like…AT ALL) The only reason I'm still watching is because I'm weird and feel like it would be quitting to stop now. ha!! And can you see any of these yahoos being the next bachelor?? I can't! I tried to give Ben the benefit of the doubt but after his exit interview??!! UGH! Seriously???? Big ole jerk! In other exciting news….Big Brother started!!! Do you watch that one?!
Jenny M says
I'm pretty sure your German hashtags held my interest longer than this episode.
While the double date was awkward (and I actually yelled at Des to jump out into the ice cold water seeing that this date was not going to improve for her with these 2 guys) I found the moment she sent Ben home to be one of the shockers of the season. I really thought she liked him more than that. I was surprised- I was sure she was sending home the prosecution.
Ben really said awful things in the limo ride home.
Even my husband looked up when Zak told his "almost a priest" tale. He was like, "wait a minute, is that the guy with the kid?" I told him to go back to his book.
How many more episodes are we suffering through this season?
Sara says
I think the formula of the show has finally gotten boring. They need to mix it up – I hate the group dates – we want to see one on one connections, right?? Des is sweet but she doesn't have the personality of Emily, and Emily's top guys were so hot (Arie anyone?) I am drinking lots of wine during the show to make it through!
Mindy says
Bravo on your recap! Talk about making something out of nothing!!
Julie says
Thank you so much for your posts and taking one for the team! You're the reason I'm still watching. You are so funny and I love your blog!
Kensey Gosch says
I just can't seem to get into this season!!! I think I'll skip the show and just read your updates 🙂
Alison @ Get Your Pretty On says
Warning: Sheaffer's posts may be hazardous to your health. I literally just choked on my coffee laughing at the jewel toned hoodie sponsorship! You can take a boring show and make it hilarious. They should hire you to write, then we'd all want to watch. 🙂
Jen K. says
I've been following your Bach recaps every week and all of them are hilarious but this one takes the cake! Well done! I laughed (out loud) throughout the entire post! 🙂
MakeMeUpMia says
I agree, this show has been a little boring for sure, and I really do like Des! If I were her I would have sent Ben & Michael home. And YES, you do NEED the light pair 🙂
Alice says
Loved your reference to Elf. Will Farrell is better than any of these guys Des has lined up.
Drew does look like Ken from Toy Story…OMG! Loved all of your German hashtags! Michael is a douche! The end!
The Regal Pup says
Hilarious recap! I (along with all of my Bachelor addicted friends) think this season is BORING too!
Kelly says
Yes, this has been a dull season so far despite how much I like Des. Your recaps are hilarious though — please don't stop doing them! You say what we are all thinking.
Liz says
Your bachelorette recap…. AMAZING!!!!! Can't wait until next week!
Anonymous says
This season is pretty boring but I think you need to give the guys a little more credit – they aren't THAT bad!!
merathon says
you forgot the craziest comment of Ben's in the limo: "How long do i have to wait to be seen with another girl? Cuz i don't wanna wait…" That's when i knew she made the right choice by giving him the boot!
awesome recap!
Brittany F. says
I'm SO glad it's not just me! I've been so bored with this season from the get-go, which saddens me because I've been a huge fan from day one of season one. I get so bored, I'm done by the rose ceremony every week and I'm 100% fine not knowing who she sends home.
AND, I'm so glad you noticed the whole "brush my teeth" bit too! I immediately turned to my husband and said "um, does he normally worry about brushing his teeth??" Ugh.
Anonymous says
I am with you girl! This season of The Bachelorette is a big time snoozefest. I liked Des when she was on Sean's season, but she is not a good lead for the show. She is so BORING! I think the guys are all duds too. I hope they don't bring any of them back as the bachelor next season. I don't even think I can continue watching this season. It is so BORING! I am really disappointed! I didn't like Tierra last season, but she sure made for some good t.v. At least it wasn't boring with her on there. Guess you could say she brought a little "sparkle" to the show. LOL!
Christina says
I was thinking the same when Bryden kept asking locals if they had seen any TV cameras…"you mean besides the one filming our conversation right now?"
Never would have picked up on all the producer gimmicks before though. Maybe it's all the behind the scenes secrets we've learned from you and shay that makes this season so boring. You've ruined the magic of television for us, but at least you help up look cute!
And I am still routing for Drew. I'm an OT and he had me at "my sweet sister has a disability." 🙂
{Hi Sugarplum!} says
Love this re-cap!!! I have 3 episodes on my DVR, but I have no desire to read them!! They won't be half as entertaining as these!!!
#yourehairisjackedupdude
I'm totally using that
mel @ the larson lingo says
I totally agree with you….SOOOO BORING.
I really, really, really like Des. I had high hopes for this season.
I just can't get into it. I even waited 4 days last week to watch the DVR'd episode. SO unlike me! I usually watch it live.
*yawn*
mel @ the larson lingo says
P.S. Your re-caps are more entertaining than the actual episode 🙂
Paige says
This season is soooo boring. Your re-caps are definitely better than actaully watching it. The brushing teeth comment made me laugh out loud! too funny! Thanks for taking it for the team and entertaining us!
Elaine~ Honey Pie Accessories says
I actually laughed out loud at the pool while I was reading this post earlier today! I know this season is horrible to watch, but please continue watching, so we can continue reading your re-caps! What was up w/ those jersey zip up hoodie things the guys had on! They must have all shopped together at the same store before the show. I really thought the contestants had to bring their own wardrobe #guessIwaswrong ……seriously, these are my favorite posts! I love how your humorous side shines through!
Julie C. says
I LOVE,LOVE your blog!! Your recaps are one of my absolute favs!!!! I was laughing out loud & so hard I was crying!!! As everyone else has already said…your recaps are waaaay better than watching it. Thanks for giving me a good laugh tonight 🙂
Kimberly says
Yeah I'm just not feeling a "connection" with any of the guys or Des this season, despite the fact that I think they are fine human beings.
graspthelove says
#thebestpartofthisseasonsbacheloretteisyourupdates
#youaresofunnyialmostpeedmypants
Anonymous says
this was very hillarious!
but i have one little thing to add: the translation of "you suck" is not "sie saugen"….it's much more rude 😉
and yes,it can be humid in germany.
have a great day!
leslie,who is actually german
Jen {Whimsy at Heart} says
I literally thought on Monday night, "Man, I feel bad for Sheaffer having to recap this!" Ha. Somehow, you made it funny! I can't put my finger on it, but I'm really struggling to watch this season. That's crazy considering it's the first time I know someone IRL on it too! Any thoughts on who the next bachelor will be?