The Bachelorette Season Premiere: All Aboard! The Crazy Train Has Left The Station!

Girls.  I can’t believe it’s here……it’s Bachelorette time again!

Now, I realize not everybody watches The Bachelorette, but I promise that you don’t have to watch it to appreciate these recaps, so stick with us!  Also, every Wednesday in addition to the recaps I am planning on having at least 1 item to feature (to make those non-Bachelorette people happy).  This week I have an Accessory Concierge code to share with you, so I actually have several things to show you!  Use the code STMT20 for 20% OFF your entire order at Accessory Concierge!!!!

Click HERE for my post from last week where I showed the dress below in black 4 different ways (from girls night out and date night to the pool!).  THE DRESS IS ONLY $34, and I’m having a fit over this multi-color horn with the white beads I’m wearing with it.  If you think it looks good with the stripes, you should see it with a dark top underneath.  The white beads make it POP and it looks fantastic. It would look great with a dark colored maxi (this black one has fantastic reviews)!  I’m wearing an x-small in the dress, which is sizing down…but I think most people would prefer the length of the dress in their regular size.  I’m wearing a small in the jacket as well, so it’s true to size.

dress / MUST HAVE jacket / multi-color horn necklace (20% OFF!)/ bracelet trio (20% OFF!)/ scalloped tote/ similar sandals from same maker ON SALE

And y’all.  The bracelets are TO DIE FOR.  Seriously.  They’re awesome.  (I’m actually thinking they might be part of Carter’s end of year teacher gift!)

Get the Look For Yourself Here.  Just click on what you are interested in!

 

And I also put this pic together of some of my favorite A.C. pieces.  I mean, with the 20% OFF site wide code (STMT20), I feel like you need to take full advantage!

multi-layer turquoise beads / multi-color horn / turquoise tassel / rainbow wood bead tassel / turquoise pendant / blue and green agate / jasper drusy tassel / beaded fringe earrings / spike bracelet / cushion cut bracelet / bracelet trio

And good news for you girls that were sad that THIS necklace sold out yesterday on facebook and ig.  They were able to have more made and it’s now restocked!  Click HERE!  Also, I know some reviews on the dress state that the arm holes are too big, but you can at least kind of tell here that they aren’t a problem for me!

OKAY, BACHELORETTE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you that are new here, I’ve been doing Bachelor Recaps since Emily Maynard’s season because that’s when Sean was on, and Sean is one of my besties‘ brothers!  Click HERE if you want to scroll through some of my Bachelor recaps of yesteryear.  Click HERE to scroll through old Bachelorette recaps.

So this year we get to follow sweet JoJo on her journey to true love.  Let’s take a moment to walk down memory lane and refresh ourselves on who JoJo is.  In a nutshell, she’s the girl from Dallas with the mob boss brothers and the BANGIN’ BODY.  Ben told her he loved her when there were still 3 girls remaining, and we were all like “WHUH?  CAN HE DO THAT?”.  But then he told one of the other girls the same thing and let poor little JoJo go because he loved the other girl more.  HIS LOSS, because now we get to watch JoJo all season and the girl is FINE.

The show opened with JoJo walking around (ROCKING denim on denim I might add – check out THIS chambray shirt that just went 40% OFF, making it UNDER $30) letting us know how difficult it was for her in the days and weeks after Ben let her go.  It was sad.  But I’m telling you, she got the ULTIMATE revenge with this walking down the beach shot.  She’s always looked amazing, but the break up diet DID HER RIGHT.  (I’m going to now try to dial my girl crush down a couple of notches.)

Before meeting the guys, JoJo met up with Ali, Kaitlyn, and Des for some advice.  I’m not really sure what any of the girls said, but here’s what should have been said:  Kaitlyn should have advised her NOT to do the big wiggle in the middle of show.  Ali should have talked about how hot Roberto was, because you now she still thinks about him.  And Des should have told her to not fall in love with anybody named Brooks.  All would have been good information to have.  Click HERE for some floral long sleeve rompers if you like JoJo’s look.

Before the PARADE O’ MEAT started, we got the chance to first meet some guys first in a handful of hometown pieces.  I don’t have something to say about everybody we met…but there are some key points I felt the need to highlight.

This is Jordan.  He played for the NFL in the past, and he’s the little brother of Aaron Rogers of the Green Bay Packers (which is apparently a big deal).  But here’s the thing, if a guy looks better in skinny jeans than I do, I can’t date him.  Buh-bye Jordan.

This guy.  Just no.  His occupation is listed as “Bachelor Superfan”.  Now, I know these segments are highly produced, but it’s possible that he has a signed head shot of Harrison on his bedside table.  And I’m not totally sure, but I think he may wear blush to highlight his annoyingly perfect cheekbones.  He’s a little too Ken doll for me.   Also, it’s possible that I’m actually for real concerned that his “watch parties” include 2 people other than himself.  KEN, that’s not a party.  How do I know for sure?  There weren’t even any chips and salsa.

This guy used to be a pastor, but he’s “now found a different way to lift people’s spirits”.  And that’s a direct quote.  He used phrases like “the guys are really down”, “it’s a hard business”, and “it’s draining.”  AND I CAN’T.  He ended his piece by saying that he’s “got mojo for JoJo”.  AND NOW I LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN.  Wow.  That escalated quickly.

This is Christian.  He wakes up at 3:30 a.m. to work out and he’s SUPER dedicated to his job and body, saying “he’s probably the most dedicated guy you will ever meet”.   He seems nice enough, but I would have to let him go because if I’m being honest, I’d be afraid he’d judge me on a Sunday afternoon when I was taking a nap.  And I don’t think he’d share cheese fries with me or go to Taco Bueno.  SO HE’S OUT.  Yep, his muscles and his judgement can go ahead and hit the road because I don’t need that type of negativity in my life.  Plus, the way he defies gravity here is just plain weird.

LIMO TIME

It’s Limo Time!!!! Now let’s be honest, all this means is that it’s time for JoJo to meet like 5 great guys and about 20 total tools.  So grab your wine bottles, make like JoJo’s mom, and don’t even bother getting a glass because IT’S GO TIME, PEOPLE.

JoJo arrived and DAY-UM.  She was smokin’.   Her boobs were perfect (duh!), and let’s talk about her hair for a second because it’s shiny, and gorgeous, and bouncy, and has perfect highlights.  Okay, so NOW I’ll start dialing down the girl crush.

Let’s Meet The Guys!

*Jordan – Former Pro Quarterback, 27:  Jordan had a sraight forward introduction.  He told her how his parents were engaged after only a few months and they’ve been married for 36 years.  His hair was a little too poofy for my taste, but she can work on that.  And he wasn’t wearing his skinny jeans, so that was a big ol’ bonus.

*Derek – Commercial Banker, 29:  He was cute and seemed very sweet.  He said he thinks she’s sexy because she has a really good sense of self and she’s grounded.  Yeah, sure Derek.  I bet you hardly even noticed her boobs.

*Grant – Firefighter, 28:  He promises to not fall in love with 2 girls, but only to fall in love with her.  Guess what, Grant.  She’s the only girl here.

*James – Boxing Club Owner, 34:  He didn’t come here for a rose, he came for a relationship.

*Robby, Former Competitive Swimmer, 27:   He walked kind of funny, right?  He brought a bottle of wine, made a Fletcher family joke and they both drank straight from the bottle.

*Alex – U.S. Marine, 25:  Looked like an All American guy, but was incredibly nervous.  Didn’t really say much.

*Will – Civil Engineeer, 26:  He did a little thing where he dropped some cards while getting out of the limo, and then read them to her in the wrong order (on purpose).  I don’t think it was quite as funny as he hoped it would be in his mind.  #ihateitwhenthathappens #beenthere

*Chad – Luxury Real Estate Agent, 28:  He seemed to be a close talker.  Back up, buddy.

*Daniel – Canadian, 31: Seemed creepy.

*Ali – Bartender, 27:  He got out of the limo and looked like a 4 year old little boy, which was weird because in his hometown piece he came off like a piano playing Calvin Klein underwear model.  WHICH IS HE?

*James Taylor – Singer/Songwriter, 29:  James is from Katy, TX and his entrance was GREATNESS!!!!!  He got out of the limo playing a guitar and singing JoJo an original song about meeting her.  It was cheesy, but really cute and totally charming.  He was “humbled and “honored” to meet her and said she was “way more prettier” than on t.v.  Aw shucks, I like this one!

*Jonathan – Technical Sales Rep, 29:  This lad hopped out of the limo in a kilt and whispered that he wasn’t wearing any panties.  And I had to wonder if he second guessed his skirt at any time during the cocktail party.  Me thinks yes.  #anddontsaypanties #likeever

Sidenote:  Several of the guys in the mansion seem strangely angry about the kilt, but our resident Canadian is particularly peeved.

*Saint Nick:  This Santa says “Jo Jo Jo” instead of “Ho Ho Ho” and is FULLY COMMITTED to his Santa persona.  Go Big or Go Home, I guess.  He told JoJo she’d been a very good girl this year and gave her a gift.  Does anybody know what the gift was?  Did I miss that?

*Chase – Medical Sales Rep, 27:    He came out wearing this sunglasses and mustache combo.  That’s all I really have to say about him.

*Jake – Landscape Artchitect, 27:  I got nothin’.  Wait, I do have something.  Jake has a REAL JOB.  I respect that.

*Sal – Operations Manager, 28:  Sal handed her a pair of blue balls and gave her permission to squeeze his balls.  Eh.

*Coley – Real Etate Consultant, 27:  He’s hoping by the end of this he’s going to be able to “take her off the market”.  Ba-dum-ching!

*Brandon – Hipster, 28:   He’s a hipster.  And if we’re being honest, I don’t even know what that means.  But I do know that he needed some matte powder or oil blotting paper. #shiny

*James – Bachelor Superfan, 27 – Still very pastic.

*Nick S. – Software Salesman, 26:  He walked up and popped into a deep split.  It was impressive.  And maybe a little scary.

*Vinny – Barber, 28:  He couldn’t find any champagne, but he still gave her a toast. A piece of toast.

*Peter – Staffing Agency Manager, 26:  Peter handed her a big puffy heart and said he wanted to be her man crush.

*Evan – Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, 33: Evan stepped out of the limo and said “God Bless America”.  And y’all, I can’t put my finger on who exactly, but he looks like a cartoon villain, right?  Somebody help me out on this one!

*Wells – Radio DJ, 31:  Wells is a radio DJ, seemed to have a nice boyish charm, and declared sweetly that JoJo was “so out of his league”.  He brought some friends with him….who just happened to be the A Capella group All 4 One and they sang “I Swear”.  JoJo was a fan.  Even the guys in the house were impressed.

*Christian – Telecom Consultant, 26:  Christian rode in on his motorcyle, and JoJo declared him a “bad boy”.  Nope JoJo, you’re wrong.  Christian is a super disciplined good boy who would never dream of skipping a day at the gym or eating a piece of pizza.  He’s an annoyingly disciplined and regimented guy, which isn’t nearly as fun as a “bad boy”.

*Luke – War Veteran, 31:  Luke rode in on a white “unicorn” and was totally charming and sweet!  Now, one of my little sister’s friends from high school (Hi, Clay!) reached out to me on facebook last week and let me know that Luke was a West Point Classmate of his and an old friend!  So cool!  (I do wonder what his West Point classmates think of his hole unicorn stunt.)  Clay is a great guy, so I’m already thinking that Luke is as well!  I told Clay I hoped that I wouldn’t have to rake him over the coals, but so far, so good!  I tend to like those Texas boys!

Okay, so that’s everybody!  Let’s do a quick summary.  Some guys were awesome.  Some guys weren’t.  Yep, that about sums it up.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Did anybody catch this?  This is a direct quote from Chad as the cocktail party was starting.  HYSTERICAL. #freudianslip #oopsie

Alex, the marine, stole her away right off the bat.  She sat on his back while he did push ups. Alex is a twin, and we were just all pleased as punch that it wasn’t his job description.

During her time with Wells , the All 4 One guys were serenading them again!  So…do they have a concert tour coming up or something?

JoJo had some time with several more guys, but she told the camera that she just wasn’t really feeling it with any of them.  AND THEN SHE HAD TIME WITH JORDAN.  Now, Jordan didn’t impress me at first with his skinny jeans…BUT BOY DID HE TURN THINGS AROUND.  He took her aside and was confident, but not cocky.  He gently rubbed her back while they were talking, but it wasn’t creepy at all!  It just seemed relaxed and easy!  I loved how he told her that he played football professionally, but didn’t make a big deal out of it.  There was a definite connection, and he said “he instantly regretted” that he didn’t kiss her.  I liked him.  I liked him a lot.  Do you smell that?  That’s a comeback.

Will stole her away, and then planted a super awkward kiss on her.  It was strangely uncomfortable.  I hid my eyes.  And scrunched my shoulders up by my ears.  (Be honest, did you just scrunch your shoulders up by your ears just to see what it looked/felt like?)

Jordan went back and grabbed JoJo because he felt like he had missed the moment.  And he planted one on her.   It was actually sweet and kind of natural. #scoreoneforJordan  And JoJo really liked his butt, so there’s that.  Just how good was his butt?  Apparently good enough to inspire her to exercise herself, because she exclaimed “I better start doing some squats”.

Harrison walked in with the first impression rose and the mood almost immediately shifted.  The guys were all of a sudden DESPERATE to get time with her.

Chad and JoJo sat down in front of the fireplace, and he actually did a nice job talking to her.  #poser

BUT THEN HE OPENED UP HIS MOUTH IN THE INTERVIEWS, AND I DIDN’T LIKE HIM.  AT ALL. He was wayyyyyyy to cocky for my liking.  He said something about “having her if he wanted her.”  Um, okay dude.

I have a feeling ol’ Chad is going to be the guy that we all end up loving to hate.  In fact, he reminded me a little bit of this one.  #comeatmebro

So back at the house, the natives were getting restless.  JoJo’s hotness was making people throw back drinks like crazy (Santa even over-indulged) and it made the Canadian poke the E.D. doctor’s belly button.   No, I’m not kidding.  He poked his belly button.  WHAT. THE. HECK.  Maybe it’s an E.D. trick he knows about?

The belly button poker then stripped down and started flexing like a maniac in the mirror.  #NOSIR And then he ended up in the pool, because of course he did.

Everyone was embarrassed for both him and Canada.  Even Caila.

And then a couple of guys came in and interrupted JoJo  during her interview time.  She was less than impressed.  All of a sudden, we heard beautiful piano music being played live.  Ali was tickling those ivories.  I can’t get a feel for this guy, but I hope he sticks around for a bit.  I’ve got to figure out if he’s a toddler or a musician/underwear model.  Because right now it’s a toss up.

And then JoJo sat on St. Nick’s lap.  Is it weird that I hardly even notice the guy in the Santa suit?

James Taylor (yes, that’s seriously his name) had some time with her, and he was just as sweet as can be.  He fell all over himself telling her how pretty she is, but it was actually kind of endearing.

Luke (my sister’s friend Clay’s friend!) brought her a pair of cowboy boots and was also easy to talk to and cute.

JoJo picked up the 1st impression rose and headed straight to Jordan.  His hair seemed to have a mind of it’s own WHICH WAS HIGHLY DISTRACTING, but I still liked the guy.

Harrison came in, clinked on his glass, and announced that it was time for the rose ceremony.

BUT THEN.  DUN DUN DUN……

This guy showed up…….PAVELKA!

And then all of America was like…

And JoJo’s brothers were all…

And YOU KNOW Mama Fletcher was all HAND ME THE BOTTLE, DEAR.

But things were not as they seemed.  Jake and JoJo have been family friends for a sweet forever.  And we can all calm down because he wasn’t coming on the show to try to date her, he was just stopping by to offer some friendly advice.  WHEW!

Who Got Roses:  Wells, Luke, James T, Derek, Grant, Chad, Christian, Alex, Chase, Robby, Brandon, Santa, Ali, James F., Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, AND GET THIS, the Canadian.

Who Goes: Coley (wanted to take JoJo “off the market”), kilt guy, the guy that did the splits, peter, and blue balls guy.

And y’all, if the previews for the rest of the season hold true, it seems as if it’s going to be a TOTAL BLOOD BATH.

Hope you enjoyed the 1st Bachelor recap of the season.  Let’s all make Top 3 Predictions in the comments!!!!  Also, I’m not participating in What’s Up Wednesday this month, but I still hope you link up and let us know what you’re doing!

Now, before you go, I feel like it’s my civic duty to report some of the NEW MARKDOWNS at Nordstrom!   IT’S THE HALF YEARLY SALE and there are lots of deep discounts!  For example, THESE ZELLA PANTS that are now 40% OFF!!!

similar Nike sports bra / another sports bra option with incredible reviews / zella side tie top / zella live-in crop leggings / similar Nike Free shoes / Kate Spade mini studs

OTHER SALE ITEMS THAT DESERVE A MENTION:  THIS Rebecca Minkoff clutch WITH TASSELS!, several pairs of Vigoss jeans HERE, THIS floral dress that can easily be dressed up or down, Wit and Wisdom jeans on sale HERE (I know many of you are big fans!), Sam Edelman flats and sandals HERE.  Click HERE to check out the entire sale for yourself!  Make sure you use the categories down the left hand side of the page and the price parameters to shop faster and smarter!  See you back here on Friday!

 

Filed Under: Fashion, The Bachelor 58 Comments