The Bachelorette recap and NEW NORDSTROM ITEMS ON SALE!

 IF YOU’RE NOT A BACHELORETTE FAN, JUST SKIP TO THE BOTTOM OF THE POST FOR NEW ITEMS ON SALE AT NORDSTROM!

So the Bachelorette cast and crew head to Barcelona this week,
which just might be the perfect place to fall in love.
I know, shocking.
And the producers are going all out, because the group date is going to have the
guys participating in Running of the Bulls.

Just Kidding.
I think that’s in Madrid.  Oh no…hubby just said Pamplona.
TOTALLY good idea though.  I hope you’re listening Harrison.
Just file that away for Bachelorette 2014.

So….Chris Harrison meets with the guys (several of them outfitted in the standard hoodie of course) and hands out the first date card.

Toy Story Ken gets the first 1:1.

They are going to explore the city on their date.

They drink some hot chocolate, they drink from a special fountain and legend has it this means they will return to Barcelona  (water fountains totally gross me out and this magical fountain is no different – so I think it just means they will probably just catch a terrible cold), then they sit down to have wine and casual conversation at a tapas bar.
Except that the casual conversation isn’t conversational at all.
It’s the polar opposite of casual.
Drew decides to announce on National t.v. that his dad was an alcoholic and is now a huge part of the AA community.  (I do worry that the anonymity will be hard to maintain if Drew gets a hometown date.)  He also tells everybody that his dad has cancer, even though he doesn’t think anybody in his dad’s office even knows about his cancer.
Whoa, dude.
I hope your dad was okay with you telling Des, and you know, the rest of America.
Still, he came off very sweet.  I like sweet.  I like Drew.

They walk down the cobblestone streets, do some awkward dancing with a little band, and then sit down to a romantic candlelight dinner.
Drew declares that he is overcome with emotion, and he jumps up from the table and leads her into a dark alley.  He throws her up against the wall and makes out with her.
KEN!
Looks like you took a page from Arie’s book.
And listen we ALL appreciate Arie’s wall kiss with Emily, but this seemed to lack a little of the same luster that Arie’s had.
Still, I give you an E for effort dude.  And Des gives you a rose for your effort.

And AFTER he got the rose (good call Ken), he decides to re-hash the whole “I heard James saying something” tale for like the 53rd time.
I mean, COME ON ABC!  WE GET IT!
 Anyway, in case you weren’t watching the show this week or last week, Drew told Des that he and Kasey heard somebody talking…and that person was saying something that she may or may not want to hear…..and that he will tell her if she wants him to…..but it is entirely up to her.
I was momentarily transported back to middle school.
She wanted to hear, so he layed it on the line.
And just in case you hadn’t heard the first 52 times, here’s the short version:

*he wants to go boating with said women

*if he gets to top 4 he things he might be the next Bachelor

*if that happens, it will be life changing

  Des looked less that pleased but thanked Ken for telling her.

The group date card arrives back at the hotel.
Brooks, scared of soccer balls James (more on that later), hashtag Kasey,
Federal Prosecuter Michael, and Juan Pablo will be going on the group date.
This means that Zak is getting the other 1:1.

Kasey and Michael (what’s the deal with the headband Michael?) talk to Drew about how his talk went with Des about James.  And I don’t know about all of you, but it’s official that Michael is annoying the fire out of me.  It’s also now the 54th time we’ve heard about the whole James’ drama.

The group date boys show up at a Barcelona soccer complex.
Brooks gets giddy and makes a comment about Desiree wearing work-out lingerie.  What?
 Juan Pablo is in his happy place.
Brooks translates the name “Juan Pablo” for us and says that it means “You have no chance with Desiree.  I am going out with her right now in the soccer field.”
I like Brooks.  He’s funny.
Maybe a little dorky, but endearing….and funny.

They all kick the ball around for awhile, and then Des announces that it’s not all just for fun, but they are actually going to play a game.  Des comes back on the field with her team.

 Brooks says “Listen Girl Scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies.”.
I do feel like now is a good time to point out that I’m pretty sure all of America knew that the pretty boys from the US were going to get SCHOOLED by the professional woman’s soccer
team from Spain.
EVERYBODY KNEW IT.
Everybody that is, except for the American pretty boys.
They actually thought they were going to win!
Silly American pretty boys.

James is the goalie because he’s like 9 feet wide, but it didn’t keep 10 goals from slipping by him.
And, let’s talk about the fact that he was just about as good of a goalie as I would be.
He would throw his body every place that the ball wasn’t.  No lie.
Girls Win.  10-2 I think.
 No surprise here.

The group then meets for drinks.
Des pulls Chris aside and he is sheepish and cute.
She reads him some poetry of her own, and they seem good together.

You guys might now know this about me, but I’m a bit of a poet myself.
Here’s a poem that captures how I’m feeling right about now.
Roses are Red.  Violets are Blue.
This season still sucks.

While Des and Brooks are spending some alone time, hashtag Kasey calls James out.
We are now on recap #56.
Michael continues to be annoying.
And it looks like being called out makes James cuss like a sailor.
There’s lots of pointing and lots of f-bombs being thrown around by James.

 Here is an exclusive close-up I found of James during his meltdown.

Yeah, he was angry.
(I mean, really.  Could I have found a more perfect angry cartoon guy to represent James?
I think not.)

Cut to hashtag Kasey who is now telling Des the story.
#fiftyseventhtimewe’veheardthestory

Des declares she’s not going to hand out a rose, but she wants some time with James.
Everybody guesses that she’s about to kick homeboy to the curb.
They sit down to hash it out, and James talks in circles.
(for those keeping track, we’re now on the 58th time)
James claims that he is getting a headache but that he does have feelings for her.
He starts to cry.
Really.
Really?
COME ON DES!  SEND HIM PACKING!
Instead, she says she needs time to process everything and sends him back to the house.

The guys are back at the house all hoping against hope that James is on his way back to Chicago.
Drew declares that “there is no way she is keeping him after that”, and that’s when James walks in the door.  He says “Gentleman, goodnight.” and walks to his room.
And the drama continues…

Now it’s time for Des’s and Zac’s 1:1.
 I must say, shirtless Zak has redeemed himself! I really like him!
The two head to an art school and are going to be drawing together.
They draw a guy in street clothes and then they draw each other.  They were really cute.
And then this happens.
How priceless is Zak’s face?
#fullfrontal

via

I got so tickled thinking about Zac and wondering if he was actually drawing the man parts.

Then, Zac gets a good idea and excuses himself for a minute.
When he returns,  this happens.
Shirtless Zak couldn’t stay gone forever ya know.

They go eat dinner in a place which I guess is like a private wine cave.
They talk sweetly about their parents (I love a boy who loves his mama), they make-out a little, and he gets the rose.
I like him.

Now we are back at the hotel.
Toy Story Ken and James are talking.
And the overheard conversation is re-hashed for the 59th time.
And then James does something that is probably like my biggest pet peeve ever.
Both of them are raising their voices, and then James looks at Drew like he thinks Drew is crazy and in a super calm and “rationale” voice says “Stop yelling.  Stop yelling.”
THAT MAKES ME CRAZY!
It totally reminds me of this scene in the movie Anger Management:

 I also want to take this time to say the following:
 HELLO?  WHO REALLY CARES IF JAMES ACTUALLY SAID WHAT THEY ARE ALL CLAIMING HE SAID?!?  I DON’T!
I MEAN, COME ON PEOPLE!  YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WOULDN’T WANT TO BE CONSIDERED FOR THE BACHELOR IF IT DIDN’T WORK OUT WITH DES.  COME ON!!!!!!

Okay, we come back from commercial and all of the guys (minus James) are sitting in the hotel talking.  James walks in and sits down on what is already a cramped couch with Juan Pablo, Michael, and Brooks.  I mean, he walks right over and plops down between them. They are shoulder to shoulder to shoulder, hiney to hiney..I’m talking CLOSE.
All of the guys on the couch look SO UNCOMFORTABLE both physically and emotionally.
And it appears that James has a nervous tick where he tucks in shirt over and over and over.

Des and James go out to have a heart to heart and James’s pecs sweat. A lot.
And I don’t know how he did it, but he convinced her that he was there for the right reasons.

Then James goes back in the hotel room and the sits down in the middle of the couch AGAIN!
Hilarious.
I think I’m going to need therapy to work through why in the world he would sit down in the middle of that tiny little couch with 3 other guys.  3 other guys who all hate him (and one who wants to “murder him”).  I’m looking at you Michael.
And can we address something else really quickly? Do we know what happened to Michael’s thumb?
Please leave a comment if you do.
Chris then pipes up and says he is having trouble staying calm.
And then, for the 60th time, we get to hear the conversation again.
Awesome.
And Michael continues to annoy me.  He is sooooo condescending.
However, Michael did make me laugh when he said in a personal interview,
“If James gets the rose tonight, I think the group is going to collectively sh%$ themselves.”
I’m sorry, but that’s some funny stuff.

Now we’re at the rose ceremony.
Boys who are going home:
Kasey
#goodbyeiwillkindofmissyoueventhoughidon’treallyknowyou
Juan Pablo
Adios handsome soccer man
James
are you wearing white pants?

I’ll be honest when I say I’m kind of sad that James left and we didn’t get to see the fellas collectively poop themselves.  Now THAT would be some good t.v.

AND NOW FOR WHAT WAS THE MOST GRIPPING 90 SECONDS OF T.V. I HAVE SEEN IN A SWEET FOREVER….the upcoming scenes!
Des is bawling her head off.
Like REALLY bawling her head off.
ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER GUY THAT REMAINS.
What in the world?
Did something happen to Chris Harrison?
Also, it seems as if Drew leaves.
HUH? HOLD THE PHONE!
Could it be possible that Ken already has a Barbie at home?
He tells Des “It’s just never gonna work out.” and it looks as if that news throws Des deep into a complete emotional breakdown.
You hear some guy say “I feel like my heart just exploded in my chest.” (and not in a good way)
Zak (while crying) says “I’m just completely shocked.”
You see Brooks, pacing back and forth crying, stating it’s the “worst day of his life”.
And then Des says “Honestly….. for me, it’s over. I just wanna go home.”

DES!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT NOW.
NOT JUST WHEN THE SEASON IS FINALLY GETTING GOOD!

I am actually looking forward to next week, so bravo ABC.
You really pulled a rabbit out of the hat on that one.

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