And I’ve gotta say, this might have been THE MOST DRAMATIC season premier ever.
Because if you didn’t initially think it was awkward, you will after you hear various people say the word awkward approximately 23,000 times.
So what’s the twist this season?
Let me see if I can explain it to you in simple terms that we can all understand.
Imagine you are on the playground in elementary school.
You are only one of two girls, and the rest of the playground is filled with boys.
Really goofy boys.
And the boys are picking teams.
And drinking alcohol.
Lots and lots of alcohol.
And you and the other girls are both wearing ball gowns.
And you are the only one not chosen for a team.
And you’re on National t.v.
That about sums it up.
This is how #virgininabottle and the rest of America feels about this twist.
And Harrison, you can act all you want like this is going to give the girls a better chance for “true love to blossom”…but none of us are buying what you are selling.
(Sidenote: I’m coming for you Harrison. I will be at Stonebriar mall tomorrow night with my friend Jenn so we can get a pic with you. And I may or may not play the I KNOW SHAY and the I went to Lake Highlands High School too card. Get your mind right. You have been warned.)
The show starts off by showing us little background packages on some of the guys.
Here’s a quick summary of the 8 guys we get to “meet” beforehand.
Guy #1 has a kid and seems like a really great dad. He already loves Britt.
Guy #2 is from Kentucky, likes to rock a puffer and plaid (good for him!), and has really tall hair.
And his dog eats well and could possibly be described as “portly”.
Guy #3 is a piece of work. And he’s a fireman.
He’s a stripper.
And not one of those classy strippers. 😉
He’s a crotch-grabbing, eat a dollar bill out of a girl’s mouth, grind on a chair, pull his undies down and let the audience members spank his hiney kind of stripper.
#mynameisCarlyit’snicetomeetyou wanted to stop by and show us how she feels about the stripper.
We’re right there with ya Carly.
Guy #4 is a country singer living in Nashville. And he’s “always had melodies living inside him.”
Well, okay then.
Guy #5 is an Industrial Welder from Idaho. He’s cute, and he actually welds her a rose. I dig it.
Guy #6 is an Executive Recruiter. And he’s in love with Kaitlyn.
Guy #7 is a Restaurant Manager. And he fancies himself a super hero.
LOVE MAN to be exact.
That’s what he calls himself.
You can’t make this stuff up.
Guy #7 is a Healer.
And a spiritual gangster.
He talks to his plants and admits to being anti-social, but he can do a mean downward dog.
And he may creep me out. Okay, he does.
Guy #8 is a Personal Trainer.
His mom passed away when he was 14, and he seems super sweet. I love a guy who loves his mama.
He is actually standing out right out of the gate as a normal guy who could actually make somebody a good husband!
This is unprecedented territory
Now it’s time for Harrison to welcome the girls.
The girls get out of the limo, and they both look GORG.
But I have to say the tension is palpable.
It is sooooooooooooo obvious that Kaitlyn is NOT A FAN of Britt.
And if I hadn’t watched Chris’s season, I would have said that Britt came off as totally sweet, and Kaitlyn kind of looked like a B at first.
I get that she was so nervous (as she should have been), but did y’all get that vibe too?
THE LIMOS START TO ROLL IN,
SO LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
And y’all…the next 45.minutes or so are full of a whole MESS OF AWKWARD.
WELL PLAYED ABC, WELL PLAYED.
We can roll our eyes all we want, but let’s be honest, these wacky introductions are what we live for.
Britt OWNED the limo exits and introductions.
She was natural, totally at ease, her smile was infectious, and she somehow made me forget that I wanted to punch her in the face for a large majority of last season.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still Team Kaitlyn (although I’m still a bit bitter because I would prefer to be Team Carly), but Britt BROUGHT IT.
The first guy (Ben) pops out of the limo, and heads straight to Kaitlyn.
And OH MY WORD I want to throw up for Britt.
THIS IS AWFUL!
It’s like 7th grade volleyball camp all over again!
Wait, maybe that’s just me.
It looks as if ABC is letting the guys decide who they want to head for first, and it makes my arm pits sting and my mouth go dry.
And I’m sure it’s edited this way on purpose, but I feel like most of the guys are heading to Britt first.
And I’m feeling confused.
Because I know Britt is gorgeous and all with really good hair, BUT DID NOBODY WATCH
Let me give everybody a reminder. Because there were tears. Lots and lots of tears.
And a smattering of eye rolls from America
Ian, the Executive Recruiter, heads straight for Kaitlyn and gives her the confidence boost she so desperately needed. He whispers in her ear that he wants it to be her.
And all of a sudden Kaitlyn blossoms into a self-assured woman WHO WANTS TO BE THE BACHELORETTE BY GOLLY.
JJ gets out of the limo and is a “Former Investment Banker”.
He then pulls out a hockey puck and tells Kaitlyn that he would “like to puck her”.
Kaitlyn thought this was hysterical, and we know this because of her booming, throw her head back out of the sheer hilarity of it all, open-mouthed big booming laugh.
Ryan, A JUNKYARD SPECIALIST (HUH?), pops out of the limo and says “HoneyS I’m home!”
I thought it was kinda cute!
But brace yourself, this is the first and the last time you will have favorable feelings towards ol’ Ryan.
law student… fireman….. exotic dancer…..straight up stripper gyrated his way out of the limo and into the hearts of America. Except the opposite of that.
Put your shirt back on dude.
And quit gyrating.
We beg you.
This guy hops out looking all sorts of dapper and gives Brit a box of tissues. It actually seems to be a sweet gesture with him saying that he hopes she doesn’t have to use them this season.
But Kaitlyn looks over and says “was that tissues or a bar of soap?”
This next guy gets out of the limo, and I was all like “Wait, isn’t Ryan Gosling already married?”
Then Kaitlyn says “one sec” and ran off into the house, leaves Britt standing on the wet driveway, and went and told the boys how glad she was that she was all there.
Britt didn’t think it seemed fair.
And I agree.
However, Britt….do you recall running away from a group date with Chris to a private concert?
Tony, our resident Healer and Spiritual Gangster saunters out of the limo.
And he needs some caffeine in a serious way.
And he has a black eye that is never mentioned.
Did a downward dog go wrong?
We then get a little peek into what the guys are doing back at the house.
And the Junkyard Specialist?
Well, he’s “all horned up right now and doesn’t even know what’s going on.“
And that’s a direct quote.
(I would like to go ahead and high five the ABC intern who probably kept pouring tequila down his throat. We all appreciate your dedication. Job well done.)
Then this guy drives up in a hot tub car.
They didn’t even mention that his job is “Amateaur Sex Coach”.
Um, excuse me?
What is that exactly?
I don’t want to know.
This guy screams “You Suck” from the bushes to the guy in the hot tub car.
And Kelsey gives him the side eye.
Then a dentist WITH AWESOME TEETH rolls up in a cupcake.
I do love cupcakes.
Too bad I hate candy corn.
Harrison tells the girls that it’s time to head into the mansion.
Britt tells everybody she’s looking for a best friend, and Kaitlyn cracks a joke.
That seems about right.
The guys starting pulling the girls off one by one.
And both girls seem to be making connections and having a good time.
Ryan Gosling thinks he might already be in love with Kaitlyn.
The Healer says that he was originally there for Kaitlyn, but Britt has changed his mind.
And then this happened.
Here’s a close up of the “art”. 🙂
That’s Chris Harrison. Holding a rose. Wrapped in a robe of some sort. And riding a triceratops.
Because of course.
And I’m thinking somebody is going to make a freaking killing in t-shirt production.
Tell me you wouldn’t wear this screen printed on a tee with your $8 studs and a cute pair of cut-offs.
I could also see it on a coffee mug.
Or a throw.
And I must say, it’s an incredible likeness of our fearless leader.
The Spiritual Gangster doesn’t even let Harrison finish talking. He bolts to the voting room, claims that Britt’s rose box is pulsating, and says that touch is very important to him.
More 1:1 time with lots of guys with each girl. .
All the while, Ryan is slamming Fireball in the corner.
And he keeps on saying he’s “horned up”.
IS THIS A THING? DO PEOPLE SAY THIS?
In a nutshell, he tries to bust a move on Britt…he slaps Kaitlyn on the hiney…and he tries to start something with several of the guys.
And then he did the only thing that makes sense.
He stripped down to his bikini briefs and sauntered down the steps into the pool while saying, you guessed it, that he was “all horned up”.
And then he hopped out of the pool again, and was gingerly sipping on champagne, when balance became wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to difficult to maintain.
Still wearing his mankini, he walks into the voting room, knocks a picture off the wall, and throws a rose in the general direction of Britt’s box.
Harrison steps up and sends Ryan home.
Back to his junkyard.
But I have to say, I’m gonna miss him a little.
That guy was t.v. GOLD.
So….now here we are…
all the votes have been cast….
but Monday nights episode ends without letting us know who the guys chose.
CURSE YOU ABC AND YOUR CLIFFHANGERS.
I’M RAISING MY VOICE AND SHAKING MY FIST IN THE AIR!
TUESDAY NIGHT ROLLS AROUND..
And this is how I feel.
I’m simply not a fan of the two night series in 1 week.
2 hours in one night is plenty of Bachelor for me, and yet
Tuesday night we found out that the boys picked Kaitlyn for their bachelorette.
And I actually felt reallllllllllllllly sorry for Britt.
Now here’s some bad news.
I don’t even know who went home. I mean I watched it, but I can’t remember their names.
And when I googled it, I couldn’t find a list.
So…when next week starts….if you don’t see certain guys, then you know they were kicked off.
And that’s the extent of my Tuesday night recap.
It’s all I have in me.
But don’t go yet…..because I have highlights from the NORDTROM HALF YEARLY SALE!
A couple of previous MUST HAVES are on sale!
Neither one of these items have ever been on sale. (The MUST HAVE SHIRT has been on sale in other colors, but never in black.)
MUST HAVE shirt HERE .
Remember to size down in the MUST HAVE shirt. I have a regular x-small in the shirt.
If you are typically a regular but they are out of your size, maybe you could consider order a petite (but not sizing down).
(And remember, I only really recommend the black shirt because the other colors tend to show too many wrinkles. Some readers have said that grey is good too!)
Other Pleione shirts on sale HERE.
MUST HAVE jeans HERE
And there are mixed opinions on if you should size down in the jeans or not. Looking back, I think I would size down. I’m wearing a 4 in the jeans in the pictures.
Sizes are already a bit picked over and only 0,2, and 6 are available at this time.
My new LUSH blouse HERE is 40% OFF, making it right at $10.
For size reference, I’m wearing an x-small in the top.
jeans HERE / $8 chunky studs HERE / necklace HERE (clear sold out, pink still available) / similar sandal in cognac or gold HERE/ watch HERE
This blouse definitely needs a cami under it. Not because it’s see through, but because the deep V can show the girls if you aren’t being careful. 🙂 It’s loose and easy and just fun.
Click HERE for the $12 BP cami.
The Kendra Scott pieces that are ON SALE are GORGEOUS!!!!!
These would all make WONDERFUL graduation gifts!
Click HERE for all K.S. items on sale for 40% OFF:
catherine drusy necklace HERE
gold macy studs HERE
drusy arden cuff (4 colors) HERE
kylie drusy ring (4 colors) HERE
connie multi drusy necklace HERE (not pictured)
adrenaline running tights HERE /
under armor jacket HERE /
As you can see, I have the above pants in the capri version, and I love them!
Zella live in capris HERE /Nike 1/2 zip top HERE /
sneakers similar HERE / $8 chunky studs HERE
And if your kids wear Boden, it’s time to stock up on this too!!!!!
ALL Boden items on sale for boys and girls HERE.
And finally….lots of random items that totally caught my eye!
Most are 40% OFF!
Sam Edelman leopard espadrille wedges HERE /
TOMS snakeskin slip ons HERE /
TOMS leopard slip ons HERE /
DV criss cross sandal HERE /
TOMS burlap bootie HERE /
Michael Kors Lexington watch HERE (all MK watches HERE) /
Kate Spade satchel HERE (everything Kate Spade HERE) /
Caslon Halter style maxi (regular and petite, SEVERAL color options) HERE /
AG jeans HERE (all AG jeans HERE)
KS Katie blue lace stone drop earrings HERE /
KS Katie white stone drop earrings HERE /
KS mint Kristina drop earrings HERE /
Hazel stud earrings HERE /
KS white bracelet HERE (not pictured) /
If you made it through this entire post, you should probably go ahead and reward yourself with a little something.
See you back here on Friday!