And I’ve gotta say, this might have been THE MOST DRAMATIC season premier ever.
Because if you didn’t initially think it was awkward, you will after you hear various people say the word awkward approximately 23,000 times.
So what’s the twist this season?
Let me see if I can explain it to you in simple terms that we can all understand.
Imagine you are on the playground in elementary school.
You are only one of two girls, and the rest of the playground is filled with boys.
Really goofy boys.
And the boys are picking teams.
And drinking alcohol.
Lots and lots of alcohol.
And you and the other girls are both wearing ball gowns.
And you are the only one not chosen for a team.
And you’re on National t.v.
That about sums it up.
This is how #virgininabottle and the rest of America feels about this twist.
And Harrison, you can act all you want like this is going to give the girls a better chance for “true love to blossom”…but none of us are buying what you are selling.
(Sidenote: I’m coming for you Harrison. I will be at Stonebriar mall tomorrow night with my friend Jenn so we can get a pic with you. And I may or may not play the I KNOW SHAY and the I went to Lake Highlands High School too card. Get your mind right. You have been warned.)
The show starts off by showing us little background packages on some of the guys.
Here’s a quick summary of the 8 guys we get to “meet” beforehand.
Guy #1 has a kid and seems like a really great dad. He already loves Britt.
Guy #2 is from Kentucky, likes to rock a puffer and plaid (good for him!), and has really tall hair.
And his dog eats well and could possibly be described as “portly”.
Guy #3 is a piece of work. And he’s a fireman.
He’s a stripper.
And not one of those classy strippers. 😉
He’s a crotch-grabbing, eat a dollar bill out of a girl’s mouth, grind on a chair, pull his undies down and let the audience members spank his hiney kind of stripper.
#mynameisCarlyit’snicetomeetyou wanted to stop by and show us how she feels about the stripper.
We’re right there with ya Carly.
Guy #4 is a country singer living in Nashville. And he’s “always had melodies living inside him.”
Well, okay then.
Guy #5 is an Industrial Welder from Idaho. He’s cute, and he actually welds her a rose. I dig it.
Guy #6 is an Executive Recruiter. And he’s in love with Kaitlyn.
Guy #7 is a Restaurant Manager. And he fancies himself a super hero.
LOVE MAN to be exact.
That’s what he calls himself.
You can’t make this stuff up.
Guy #7 is a Healer.
And a spiritual gangster.
He talks to his plants and admits to being anti-social, but he can do a mean downward dog.
And he may creep me out. Okay, he does.
Guy #8 is a Personal Trainer.
His mom passed away when he was 14, and he seems super sweet. I love a guy who loves his mama.
He is actually standing out right out of the gate as a normal guy who could actually make somebody a good husband!
This is unprecedented territory
Now it’s time for Harrison to welcome the girls.
The girls get out of the limo, and they both look GORG.
But I have to say the tension is palpable.
It is sooooooooooooo obvious that Kaitlyn is NOT A FAN of Britt.
And if I hadn’t watched Chris’s season, I would have said that Britt came off as totally sweet, and Kaitlyn kind of looked like a B at first.
I get that she was so nervous (as she should have been), but did y’all get that vibe too?
THE LIMOS START TO ROLL IN,
SO LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
And y’all…the next 45.minutes or so are full of a whole MESS OF AWKWARD.
WELL PLAYED ABC, WELL PLAYED.
We can roll our eyes all we want, but let’s be honest, these wacky introductions are what we live for.
Britt OWNED the limo exits and introductions.
She was natural, totally at ease, her smile was infectious, and she somehow made me forget that I wanted to punch her in the face for a large majority of last season.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still Team Kaitlyn (although I’m still a bit bitter because I would prefer to be Team Carly), but Britt BROUGHT IT.
The first guy (Ben) pops out of the limo, and heads straight to Kaitlyn.
And OH MY WORD I want to throw up for Britt.
THIS IS AWFUL!
It’s like 7th grade volleyball camp all over again!
Wait, maybe that’s just me.
It looks as if ABC is letting the guys decide who they want to head for first, and it makes my arm pits sting and my mouth go dry.
And I’m sure it’s edited this way on purpose, but I feel like most of the guys are heading to Britt first.
And I’m feeling confused.
Because I know Britt is gorgeous and all with really good hair, BUT DID NOBODY WATCH
Let me give everybody a reminder. Because there were tears. Lots and lots of tears.
And a smattering of eye rolls from America
Ian, the Executive Recruiter, heads straight for Kaitlyn and gives her the confidence boost she so desperately needed. He whispers in her ear that he wants it to be her.
And all of a sudden Kaitlyn blossoms into a self-assured woman WHO WANTS TO BE THE BACHELORETTE BY GOLLY.
JJ gets out of the limo and is a “Former Investment Banker”.
He then pulls out a hockey puck and tells Kaitlyn that he would “like to puck her”.
Kaitlyn thought this was hysterical, and we know this because of her booming, throw her head back out of the sheer hilarity of it all, open-mouthed big booming laugh.
Ryan, A JUNKYARD SPECIALIST (HUH?), pops out of the limo and says “HoneyS I’m home!”
I thought it was kinda cute!
But brace yourself, this is the first and the last time you will have favorable feelings towards ol’ Ryan.
law student… fireman….. exotic dancer…..straight up stripper gyrated his way out of the limo and into the hearts of America. Except the opposite of that.
Put your shirt back on dude.
And quit gyrating.
We beg you.
This guy hops out looking all sorts of dapper and gives Brit a box of tissues. It actually seems to be a sweet gesture with him saying that he hopes she doesn’t have to use them this season.
But Kaitlyn looks over and says “was that tissues or a bar of soap?”
This next guy gets out of the limo, and I was all like “Wait, isn’t Ryan Gosling already married?”
Then Kaitlyn says “one sec” and ran off into the house, leaves Britt standing on the wet driveway, and went and told the boys how glad she was that she was all there.
Britt didn’t think it seemed fair.
And I agree.
However, Britt….do you recall running away from a group date with Chris to a private concert?
Tony, our resident Healer and Spiritual Gangster saunters out of the limo.
And he needs some caffeine in a serious way.
And he has a black eye that is never mentioned.
Did a downward dog go wrong?
We then get a little peek into what the guys are doing back at the house.
And the Junkyard Specialist?
Well, he’s “all horned up right now and doesn’t even know what’s going on.“
And that’s a direct quote.
(I would like to go ahead and high five the ABC intern who probably kept pouring tequila down his throat. We all appreciate your dedication. Job well done.)
Then this guy drives up in a hot tub car.
They didn’t even mention that his job is “Amateaur Sex Coach”.
Um, excuse me?
What is that exactly?
I don’t want to know.
This guy screams “You Suck” from the bushes to the guy in the hot tub car.
And Kelsey gives him the side eye.
Then a dentist WITH AWESOME TEETH rolls up in a cupcake.
I do love cupcakes.
Too bad I hate candy corn.
Harrison tells the girls that it’s time to head into the mansion.
Britt tells everybody she’s looking for a best friend, and Kaitlyn cracks a joke.
That seems about right.
The guys starting pulling the girls off one by one.
And both girls seem to be making connections and having a good time.
Ryan Gosling thinks he might already be in love with Kaitlyn.
The Healer says that he was originally there for Kaitlyn, but Britt has changed his mind.
And then this happened.
Here’s a close up of the “art”. 🙂
That’s Chris Harrison. Holding a rose. Wrapped in a robe of some sort. And riding a triceratops.
Because of course.
And I’m thinking somebody is going to make a freaking killing in t-shirt production.
Tell me you wouldn’t wear this screen printed on a tee with your $8 studs and a cute pair of cut-offs.
I could also see it on a coffee mug.
Or a throw.
And I must say, it’s an incredible likeness of our fearless leader.
Harrison pulls everybody together and lets the guys know it’s time to start voting.
The Spiritual Gangster doesn’t even let Harrison finish talking. He bolts to the voting room, claims that Britt’s rose box is pulsating, and says that touch is very important to him.
More 1:1 time with lots of guys with each girl. .
All the while, Ryan is slamming Fireball in the corner.
And he keeps on saying he’s “horned up”.
IS THIS A THING? DO PEOPLE SAY THIS?
In a nutshell, he tries to bust a move on Britt…he slaps Kaitlyn on the hiney…and he tries to start something with several of the guys.
And then he did the only thing that makes sense.
He stripped down to his bikini briefs and sauntered down the steps into the pool while saying, you guessed it, that he was “all horned up”.
And then he hopped out of the pool again, and was gingerly sipping on champagne, when balance became wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to difficult to maintain.
Still wearing his mankini, he walks into the voting room, knocks a picture off the wall, and throws a rose in the general direction of Britt’s box.
Whitney lets him know that she disapproves of his shenanigans by giving him the death stare.
Harrison steps up and sends Ryan home.
Back to his junkyard.
But I have to say, I’m gonna miss him a little.
That guy was t.v. GOLD.
So….now here we are…
all the votes have been cast….
but Monday nights episode ends without letting us know who the guys chose.
CURSE YOU ABC AND YOUR CLIFFHANGERS.
I’M RAISING MY VOICE AND SHAKING MY FIST IN THE AIR!
TUESDAY NIGHT ROLLS AROUND..
And this is how I feel.
I’m simply not a fan of the two night series in 1 week.
2 hours in one night is plenty of Bachelor for me, and yet
Tuesday night we found out that the boys picked Kaitlyn for their bachelorette.
And I actually felt reallllllllllllllly sorry for Britt.
Now here’s some bad news.
I don’t even know who went home. I mean I watched it, but I can’t remember their names.
And when I googled it, I couldn’t find a list.
So…when next week starts….if you don’t see certain guys, then you know they were kicked off.
And that’s the extent of my Tuesday night recap.
It’s all I have in me.
But don’t go yet…..because I have highlights from the NORDTROM HALF YEARLY SALE!
A couple of previous MUST HAVES are on sale!
Neither one of these items have ever been on sale. (The MUST HAVE SHIRT has been on sale in other colors, but never in black.)
MUST HAVE shirt HERE .
Remember to size down in the MUST HAVE shirt. I have a regular x-small in the shirt.
If you are typically a regular but they are out of your size, maybe you could consider order a petite (but not sizing down).
(And remember, I only really recommend the black shirt because the other colors tend to show too many wrinkles. Some readers have said that grey is good too!)
Other Pleione shirts on sale HERE.
MUST HAVE jeans HERE
And there are mixed opinions on if you should size down in the jeans or not. Looking back, I think I would size down. I’m wearing a 4 in the jeans in the pictures.
Sizes are already a bit picked over and only 0,2, and 6 are available at this time.
My new LUSH blouse HERE is 40% OFF, making it right at $10.
For size reference, I’m wearing an x-small in the top.
jeans HERE / $8 chunky studs HERE / necklace HERE (clear sold out, pink still available) / similar sandal in cognac or gold HERE/ watch HERE
This blouse definitely needs a cami under it. Not because it’s see through, but because the deep V can show the girls if you aren’t being careful. 🙂 It’s loose and easy and just fun.
Click HERE for the $12 BP cami.
The Kendra Scott pieces that are ON SALE are GORGEOUS!!!!!
These would all make WONDERFUL graduation gifts!
Click HERE for all K.S. items on sale for 40% OFF:
catherine drusy necklace HERE
gold macy studs HERE
drusy arden cuff (4 colors) HERE
kylie drusy ring (4 colors) HERE
connie multi drusy necklace HERE (not pictured)
Some great work out gear is on sale too!
Lots of Zella items are on sale, so STOCK UP LADIES!!!!
zella live in space dye leggings HERE
adrenaline running tights HERE /
under armor jacket HERE /
As you can see, I have the above pants in the capri version, and I love them!
Zella live in capris HERE /Nike 1/2 zip top HERE /
sneakers similar HERE / $8 chunky studs HERE
And if your kids wear Boden, it’s time to stock up on this too!!!!!
ALL Boden items on sale for boys and girls HERE.
And finally….lots of random items that totally caught my eye!
Most are 40% OFF!
Sam Edelman leopard espadrille wedges HERE /
TOMS snakeskin slip ons HERE /
TOMS leopard slip ons HERE /
DV criss cross sandal HERE /
TOMS burlap bootie HERE /
Michael Kors Lexington watch HERE (all MK watches HERE) /
Kate Spade satchel HERE (everything Kate Spade HERE) /
Caslon Halter style maxi (regular and petite, SEVERAL color options) HERE /
AG jeans HERE (all AG jeans HERE)
KS Katie blue lace stone drop earrings HERE /
KS Katie white stone drop earrings HERE /
KS mint Kristina drop earrings HERE /
Hazel stud earrings HERE /
KS white bracelet HERE (not pictured) /
If you made it through this entire post, you should probably go ahead and reward yourself with a little something.
See you back here on Friday!
Charming Lucy says
I 'm trying to decide if we can tape this crazy show and watch it with our teen daughter. I know she would find it totally hilarious and I am hoping she will figure out who NOT to date when she is allowed to date (after college, of course). I added both pairs of Toms to my cart and am saving them for back to school shoes for my kiddo – who will start high school in the fall. Thanks for the fun! Susan
Oh my gosh! I didn't watch this week but that guy sipping champagne while laying on his side. I die. So, so funny!! Also, I just ordered that white cuff! What a great deal!! 🙂
Mix and Match Mama says
No time to comment…off to shop the Half Yearly Sale! Woohoo!!!! xoxo
Erika Slaughter says
You nailed it!! I was watching and sweating at the same time. I was so glad Chis Harrison pulled the girls aside rather than announce it in front of everyone. #thanksforkeepingitclassy
The picture at the end of yawning girl from last season – perfect way to end the recap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't ever quit doing these recaps – you have a gift. Hilarious/Entertaining/Amazing
Spiritual gangsta! On point. I noticed the healing black eye too. Awk! Maybe he got it while in crow position? #yogiprobs
I'm kind of crushing on Shawn. Looks like that boy can participate in a good make out sesh!!
Love your recap! You're always spot on! Drunky Ryan M. Is Nikki Ferrel's ex! Crazy. Time to buy some Zella items.. Soo cute!
Your recaps are absolute perfection! Pretty sure you're gonna get some type of spin-off talk show! They would be foolish not to!
I think YOU need to reward yourself for pulling this post together girl! That is no joke! Love reading your summary! I just can't bring myself to watch the whole thing but did catch bits and pieces.
I had to order a spare pair of those wit and wisdom jeans…they are perfection!
You rest up today now, ok?
Thank you so much for the recap! I missed 75% of both shows due to my kiddos. So so hilarious!!!! I did catch the end of last nights where they showed the previews for the season. Looks interesting that's for sure!!
Slightly Askew Designs says
SHUT UP with those leopard espadrille wedges. I mean…. Leopard AND espadrille AND wedge?!?! I die.
Kim Kauffman says
You've got to be one of the funniest people I know. Not many people can make me actually laugh at 6:30 in the morning. 🙂
Lora G says
When Chris told Kaitlyn and Britt "the guys have a little bit of the power tonight too" I was OUT! You do deserve an award for recapping! Thanks for the heads up about the Nordstrom Mini Boden sale, just stocked up for my son! 🙂
You nailed it! Again! Hilarious! and . . . watch out Harrison, you're pushing your luck!
Lori Smith says
How is it that nobody is talking about horned up Ryan being Nikki Ferrells ex? She clearly has great taste in men…. NOT!
Abby Clark Clark says
Schaeffer, I am loving that Nordstrom is doing a half yearly sale in June, however do you know how long it lasts?? I want to get a bunch of things, but kind of pressed for time until tomorrow night!
Also, thanks for the bachelorette recaps – too funny!
Lindsay Jones says
Did anyone see the bit after the previews with Britt and the guy that left? What happened?
I watched the show just for your recaps! I was dying during the "dramatic previews" Kaitlyn has NO problems making out (and more) with all the guys! #ohmy Makes me wish I had seen her season. Please feel free to fill us in a little.. 😉
Gail Wilson says
I bow to you. You are the Queen of Snark. Your insights to this 100 car pileup of a show are brilliant!
Now back to the second most wonderful time of the year, the Half Yearly Sale (Anniversary Sale has it beat). Please post more random goodies. I'm at work and have to rely on you to pre-shop for me!!
I am SOOOO excited for your recaps! Love them!
Stripper dude….um…NO THANKS! GROSS!
Horned Up dude…ummm…what? Are you a frat boy? Move on!
On to your sale post! Husband says I need to look away! 😉 We leave for the beach in 10 days and Loft did a beautiful job adding Maxi dress(es) to my suitcase! So, I am glancing over….as hard as it is! 🙁
We Choose Joy says
I love your recaps and have begun just reading your recaps and skipping the show!!! (Thank you 😉 ) Also, we're expecting a little boy this summer….already in LOVE with Boden, so cute!
Three Gals and a Guy says
LOVE, love, love the recaps. I was thinking the EXACT same thing about the healer with the black eye.. weird. And the amateur sex coach?! Seriously what is that??
Lindsay at Lindsay'sSweetWorld says
Bahahaha!!!! I'm absolutely dying! You are spot on, my friend. Spot on! This might be the weirdest group of guys yet! And I'm so glad that you think that one dude looks like Ryan Gosling because my hubs just doesn't see it! #HOW
Lindsay @ LindsaysSweetWorld.blogspot.com
What about the previews?? Kaitlyn sleeps with one of the guys and then tells everyone about it???? The shame!!! I can't wait!
Matthew Campbell says
Was thinking the same. Looks scandalous lol
oops this is matt campbell's wife…that seems creepy. must have been signed in under his name lol. Susan Campbell
Love your recaps!
Always a great laugh and I was wondering the same thing
what the heck is a "junkyard specialist"?
Only about 2 or 3 "normal guys" this round.
Jackie Vore says
I'm always excited when you do reviews of The Bachelor/Bachelorette! Thank you for a good laugh during a very boring meeting 🙂
You wrote everything I was thinking and forgot I thought it. Laughed so hard.
I kept telling my husband the same thing about Shawn B! Love your recaps!
Because Shanna Said So says
I am KICKING myself ONCE again for not watching this shizz show!! What is wrong with me? Glad I have you for the recaps! 🙂
Hysterical! Your recaps are better than the show! Love it and can't wait to see a picture of you & chris harrison!!
Julie Clark says
Always love your recaps!!
Love the capri leggings you have on. What brand and size TOP are you wearing with it? I hate the thought of 'leggings' unless I have a longer top to cover the 'girl front part' and the hippy-ness I have on the bottom. I typically only wear yoga pants but would love to rock this look too!
p.s. Love your blog and FB posts!
Hi Ellen! It's the Nike 1/2 zip pullover, and it's from Nordstrom! I'm wearing a small! Thanks for reading!!! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Ellen, I totally agree with you about coverage in the front as well as the rear.
try the x-long chi top from athleta. it's longer in the front and back!! 🙂
I don't even watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette but I LOVE your recaps!
That awkward moment when you recognize the law student/exotic dancer/stripper from your high school English class. *insert the wide eye emoji*
Fabulous review, as always!
Your recaps for the win!!! Love em
Sherrie Moore says
Loved this post and your recaps of the show… even if I didn't watch it!! And as always I love Nordstrom and their sales!!
Seriously one of your funniest posts. Thank you!!!
OMG – Sheaffer, I swear to God, I just read your post now because I was gone all day. I posted my Wednesday post this AM before leaving and had a few comments about "The Bachelorette," too. And I am now convinced we are soul sisters because we know a Ryan Gosling look-a-like when we see one on ABC. I totally called Shawn that, too, and hadn't even read your recap! You are seriously the queen of these recaps. I love them. I will definitely have some comments about the episodes, but I won't even try to rival yours, girl! You rock! I always look forward to them. Oh, and thanks for the Nordstrom picks. I love when you save me time.
"The Busy Brunette"
Girlfriend, don't drag me in to watching the Bachelorette… I have things to do, studying to get done. Oh wait you already did 😉
Karen At Home says
OMG, best recap ever!!!! I am still cracking up reading the Ryan recap. You have skills girl 🙂
Have you seen the picture of Andi and Chris Harrison on Andi's instagram account? She calls him her boo? I'm not sure if they're dating, but if they are that's a little strange.
Why are they bringing Nic back? Really, he just needs to hang it up in regards to the Bachelor/Bachelorette.
By the way I saw on RealitySteve that your girl Carly is going to be on Bachelor Paradise.
Tiffany Bagalini says
Thanks as always! Just purchased the Must Have Black Shirt! Also, those adorable reef flip flops are being price matched right now. Just added those to my PTMT collection 🙂
Sue K says
Oops sorry – I commented on an old post instead of the current one. Re-doing my comment here… I was asking if Hillary Clinton is wearing your favorite necklace?? Look at this photo!
Hi Sue! It certainly does look like it! So funny!
Laughing so hard!!!!!!!
Re: britt taking off with chris to the concert on a group date…. why does America blame her? Chris was the Bachelor. He was carrying the ball and calling the shots. Let's be serious. We all know that EVERY girl would have done the same thing especially if they think they're in love with the guy. We all do crazy things when we're in love.
First Grade by the Sea says
Loving your recaps! Glad to know I wasn't alone thinking those same thoughts. So far not seeing much to pick from. Maybe beginning meets and TV camera jitters? I like Kaitlyn, but get a little class going, girl. Keep the recaps coming…Love them.