I know there was a lot of confusion surrounding the lack of a Bachelorette recap last week, so here’s what went down. There wasn’t a show last week because of the NBA finals. The week before there were 2 episodes. I recapped the first one HERE, but I never got around to recapping the 2nd one (the 4th episode) because I decided to come down with the little guy’s stomach bug that he had the week before. It was inevitable really considering that he actually puked all over me one night. ALL. OVER. ME. #momlife
So, IN A REALLY TINY ITTY BITTY LITTLE NUTSHELL, some important points from Episode 4 follow:
*In lieu of a cocktail party, there was a pool party. There were lots of guys in swimsuits, but trust me, nobody looked better than JoJo. Chad kicked a floating flamingo in the head, because CHAD.
*We saw our first jump and straddle of the season between Jordan and JoJo. I didn’t get a picture of it, but it was just about as epic as this doozie with Kaitlyn and Prince Farming.
*Chad confronted Derek about the fact that he talked to JoJo about him. Chad was all, “Did you talk to her about me?” and Derek was all “Yeah, I did.” And then Chad was all “Are you sacred of me?” And Derek was like, “Yeah, I am.” I respected the honesty. And listen, I think Mike Tyson would be scared of Chad.
*At the rose ceremony the following guys were kicked to the curb: Christian, Ali, and the guy who was Santa Clause during the limo exits. That’s right, Chad still got a rose. #producerwin
*The entire cast packed up and went to Pennsylvania. No, I’m not kidding.
*First 1:1 with was with Luke “I Like You Very Mush”. All I remember is that JoJo was really impressed with how he looked in a swimsuit and he got the rose. I’m guessing they also sled with dogs (hence the “mush”), but I don’t remember. I was too busy trying to hydrate by eaing 1/2 dozen of Carter’s Pedialyte popsicles from the week before. Allegedly.
Speaking of swimsuits….I shared my picks for swimsuits for us girls last week (click HERE to see that post), so when Nordstrom reached out again to see if I would share my picks for men’s swimwear, I was all about it! Now, I don’t know about your man, but my man isn’t interested in bold and trendy swimsuits. And you won’t find him in pinks or florals ever. Want to know what suits I ordered for my guy? I ordered him #2 in both black and grey. Cuz he’s crazy like that. At $39.50 the price was right, and he likes the solid colors. Click HERE for the entire selection of men’s swimsuits at Nordstrom. My collage highlights my favorite picks that are all under $100, because I don’t know any guy who wants to pay over $100 for a swimsuit.
If you are a visual person, just click on the pic you are interested in for your man! Thank you to Nordstrom for sponsoring this portion of the post!
*Group Date with Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. The date card said “We. Could. Go. All. The. Way.”. They all headed to the Pittsburgh Steelers Stadium. I’m thinking it’s a bit unfair that Jordan was on this date, but it was also a bit unfair that Grant was on the firefighter challenge date. What’s next? A group date with a lunch meat eating challenge tailor made for Chad? Evan got another nose bleed and our sweet and precious James Taylor just about lost an eye! He ended up looking like a soldier in The Patriot. #FREEDOM
*2:1 Date with Chad and Alex “Let’s Get Lost.” Since it’s Chad and Alex, I’m just glad the date card didn’t say “Let’s Get Murdered.” Because I’m going to go ahead and say it would have been Chad in the foyer with the laced protein powder. Or death by cold cut flogging. Either scenario is plausible. Alex, JoJo, and
Jack the Ripper Chad were all dropped off in a dense forest. And I again had to concentrate a bit on not letting my stomach bug get the better of me. Basically, Alex told JoJo that Chad WAS IN FACT CRAY. JoJo then questioned Chad about his violent threats, and Chad was like “Yeah, maybe I did that.” Alex got the rose, and Chad went home. OR DID HE?
OKAY!!!!! WE ARE NOW READY FOR THIS WEEK’S EPISODE 5!!!!!!
We started the episode right outside the boy’s cabin, with all of them celebrating Chad’s demise. In memoriam, they each took a handful of Chad’s protein powder and spread it like ashes as Wells said “Death to Tyrants” and James Taylor played a little ditty. It was all very special. Then they spent the next several minutes showing us snippits of the guys being OVER THE MOON that Chad was “gone forever”. That my friends is what they call foreshadowing.
The producers made it look like Chad boy scouted it through the woods and “somehow” found the other boys cabin. Which we all know is ridiculous. It’s not like he followed a trail of bread crumbs or something. You know that interns either called him a cab to the cabin, or at the very least gave him a global positioning device with coordinates all mapped out. Anyway, he found the cabin. After the guys were back inside, Chad finally made his way up to the door and
knocked SCRAPED it like a wild animal. Like a wild AND RABID animal. DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!
There was a shot of the guys inside the house when they realized Chad was outside, and they were literally paralyzed with fear. I’m pretty sure one of the guys tee teed himself. Evan was the most scared of all, he was like “Uh oh- we just threw away his protein powder. He’s going to kill us.” Which I thought was hysterical. However, in the next moment I wanted to punch Evan in the face when he asked Chad if he had his wallet with him…because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Chad owes him a shirt. EVAN. DUDE. STAHHHHHHP.
When Alex came home from the 2:1 date, they acted like he was returning from war. THE GUYS BROKE INTO THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE AND CHEERED FOR HIM. They did everything but sing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and throw a ticker tape parade. They did however throw him on their shoulders like he scored the game winning touchdown at the Super Bowl and then smashed his face in a platter of perfectly good cupcakes. #forshame
COCKTAIL PARTY ROSE CEREMONY
JoJo showed up wearing sequins from head to toe and was able to spend a little bit of time with each of the guys. Chase and JoJo got into those clear ball bubble things and knocked each other over. Robbie and JoJo made a wish at the fountain (if I had to garner a guess, she was probably wishing to make out with Jordan) and then made out. And James F. wrote her a poem. So, serious question here girls. Does poetry freak any of you out? Because it does me. Luke and JoJo got some time and “it was everything and more than he hoped it would be.”
Jordan stole her away and threw her up against wall. Wait. Correction. He intended to throw her up against a wall, but he miscalculated the distance a bit. After his initial shove, JoJo had to take several steps backward before even coming into contact with said wall. I must say, how many seasons later, and NOBODY can hold a candle to Arie. He needs to come back and teach a seminar every season. You know what the botched wall kiss reminded me of? When you are going to sit down in a chair, and it’s much lower than you thought. It’s a terrible feeling, right?
ROSE CEREMONY TIME
Luke, Alex, and Jordan already had roses. Other guys staying included: Derek, Robbie, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinnie , James T. (THANK HEAVENS!!!!), and Evan.
Who went home: Daniel (former friend of Chad) and James F (boxing club owner).
Daniel went out like a total tool with a couple of comments about his awesome body. EYE. ROLL. Daniel, here’s hoping we see you in Paradise.
During the after the rose ceremony toast, JoJo announced that they were leaving Pennsylvania and heading to South America (Pundte del Este, Uruguay)! All the guys cheered and acted like they knew where it was. They all met at The Grand Hotel.
FIRST DATE CARD: 1:1 with JORDAN, Let’s Seal The Date.
The announcement was met with a single slow clap. And ladies and gentleman, when JoJo ran up to Jordan, we had another straddle. Not so much a jump. But definitely a straddle. For those of you keeping score, Jordan has now been on the receiving end of the first impression rose, a group date rose, a 1:1 date, and 2 straddles.
They sailed around on a boat, and there was lots of cuddling and kissing. And lots of kissy kissy sounds, which I gotta be honest, I don’t appreciate.
That night at dinner, JoJo confronted Jordan letting him know that she had met one of his ex-girlfriends and she had told her that he wasn’t the best boyfriend. He was not pleased with this confrontation. This is how he looked when questioned. But JoJo didn’t back down and she continued to ask the hard questions! He had some splainin’ to do, and I thought although he said a lot of words, he didn’t give any really solid answers. But she picked up what he was laying down, and she gave him the rose.
When Jordan was away from the house, Vinnie thought it was time to give a couple of guys a trim. And one of them just “happened to have” a couple of gossip magazines. Yeah, right. Because he just happened to pick it up while checking out at a Uruguayan grocery store. Sure. The magazine article stated that JoJo’s ex (also named Chad) was claiming that she loved him the entire season with Ben and probably still loved him. This sent the guys into a tail spin.
In a 1:1 interview, JoJo was blissfully unaware of the scathing magazine article. She said “I’m just so happy, I don’t think anything can take away this feeling.” The producers were like, “You don’t say! Hey, let us give it a shot.” as they oh so casually handed her the magazine. She was genuinely surprised and heartbroken. She went on to say how going on Ben’s season was the best thing she’d ever done because Ben showed her how good love could be. JoJo was DEVASTATED, but her boobs were completely unfazed. They remained perky and optimistic.
She threw on a fuzzy robe (several of you e-mailed me saying it was a blaridgan, but I don’t think it was) and headed to the guy’s hotel room to explain that her ex, Chad, was just as jackwagony as the Chad they knew. They listened, understood what she was saying, and were compassionate towards her. And that was that. And speaking of blardigan, Barefoot Dreams has one of their awesome throws 40% OFF HERE.
GROUP DATE CARD: Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinnie, Grant, Wells, Alex “I can’t stand to be away from you.”
The group date was sand surfing in the sand dunes. We got several shots of guys biting it, but then it started to rain and they had to go ahead and head over to the group date cocktail party.
Nothing of note happened at the cocktail party, but I did raise an eyebrow at Luke’s holey black skinny jeans and the barber’s DEEP V and matching pocket square.
She gave the group rose to Derek. And man did that tick Alex off. He felt like she gave it to him because Derek told her that he needed validation. And this angered Alex. WHATEVER, Alex. You’re just mad because you can’t reach the good stuff on the top shelf in the fridge.
1:1 Date with Robbie: Love is Within Our Reach
They went to the beach, ate at a food truck, and then jumped off a cliff comprised of jagged rocks. This was probably right after they did a quick cross fit class because TONED.
At dinner, Robbie opened up and shared that last year his best friend died in a car wreck when texting his girlfriend. He explained to her that because of this, he never takes anything for granted anymore and always strives to be in the moment. It was a very real and tender conversation, but then he told her he loved her (TOO SOON, ROBBIE. TAP THE BREAKS.), and she gave him a rose. It ended with fireworks. She said she felt “adored, cherished, and secure…and could see herself falling in love with him.” Sidenote: Has anybody else noticed there have now been a handful of times that JoJo gingerly wiped away a non-existent tear from her own face?
Back at the house, Alex and Chase were being idiots. They were quite upset that Derek must have asked for reassurance because why else would JoJo give him the group date rose? BOYS. Put on your big girl panties and shut it.
ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY
When waiting for JoJo to show up for the cocktail party, Derek called out Jordan, Alex, Chase and Robbie to let them know that he felt like they were being a little mean girlish. Derek, Derek, Derek. tsk, tsk, tsk.
Harrison sauntered in and dropped the bomb that not only was there NOT going to be a cocktail party…but 3 of the guys were going to be going home.
Who got roses: Luke, Chase, Alex, James, Wells, Robby, Jordan and Derek. Vinnie, Grant, and Evan were all sent home. I bet Evan felt so deflated….BUH DUM CHING! Thank you, I’ll be here all night.
So that’s it for Episode 5. And from the looks of the previews, we are in for some serious drama. Just the way I like it. 🙂
See you back here on Friday!
I saw the piece of paper come out and I was like “Oh no, he’s going to read a poem. Don’t do it!” Then put my fingers in my ears and sang yankee doodle dandy til it was over. The poems are always awkward and horrible. (it is also always awkward and horrible when the guys – or girls – sing a song they wrote). PS: I laughed out loud at your use of tee teed.
Erika Slaughter says
Let’s take a minute and imagine Chris writing you a poem…hahahaha! Who would be laughing harder-your or him?? Odds are he’d start it with “Roses are red” and I wouldn’t blame him a bit. 🙂
Shay Shull says
I already miss Chad! Hahahaha! You had me at that!
So funny!! I love your recaps, girl!! Xoxo
Alison H. says
I loved the spilling of protein powder! Jordan looked like a dear in head lights when she was asking him those questions. He’s a playboy….. Glad you are feeling better’
I liked Alex up until this week. Can you say “little man syndrome”? BTW, LOVE your recaps!
The non-existent tears!!! Glad you noticed them too!! ???
April Parrish says
Great recap!!! Love what you said about Alex not being able to reach anything on the top shelf in the fridge…LOL!!!!
Have a great day!!!
Kristin Tate says
I’m not 100% why but I just can’t like Jordan. It’s either the hair-flips or the periodic bottom lip biting, either way, I’m cringing a little. That faux tear wiping is killing me! Luke is a front runner in my bachelorette book!
I always get giddy to read your Bachelorette recaps!!! I see why Jojo’s infatuated with Jordan because Jordan. #poofyhair #needsatrim She’s a smitten kitten for sure. I loved seeing Luke’s goofy side in the outtakes because they’ve edited him to be Mr. Super serious. My friend and I decided that Robby must’ve been taught about skin care at an early age as his complexion is PERFECT! #dewy # smoothasbabybooty I don’t think she’s into Wells, but he seems to be hubby material and shouldn’t hide his cuteness on radio.
On a trashy side note –
Mr. Erectile Function aka Evan AND Chad are going to be on Bachelor in Paradise. Now, I’ve never been able to get behind that show …. until now. #anotherproducerwin
“Has anybody else noticed there have now been a handful of times that JoJo gingerly wiped away a non-existent tear from her own face?”
Amen, amen, amen!!
The whole time while she was talking about the “article”, she was “crying” with NO real tears!! I can’t take her sometimes….but those boobs #wishthoseweremine
Love your recaps!!
I am laughing so hard at all of this, you describe things to a “T”!!!!
Are you able to give us an update on Drew’s condition? I hope his surgery was successful.
Great recap…I agree completely about all of it! Something about Jorange doesn’t sit right with me. The hair, type the way he carries himself, the explanation. He just bugs me. I’m rooting for Luke.
Hi Jamie! I’m so sorry! I talked about it on ig and facebook, and I’ll be doing an update on the blog tomorrow. HE DID GREAT!!!!!!! TOTALLY 100% AVM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, God!!!! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
ummm can we please talk about how James T. is Husband. Material. Like everything about him says, “let’s settle down and raise a billion babies and be happy forever.” Too bad he’s just not enough drama for this show. You can just tell his days are numbered. 🙁
Christi babbs says
I think I said the same thing about the tears to my husband. I love to drama of reality tv and I love blogs that humanize reality tv like this one. Thanks for sharing your insite!
YES TO THE POETRY!!!! I’m so glad you agree with me! A guy wrote me a poem for my birthday after 2 dates and that sent me running for the hills.
I always agree completely with your recaps and look forward to them! “Alex, you’re just mad because you can’t reach the good stuff in the fridge!” I laughed out loud while at work – so funny! Thanks for taking the time to write what we are all thinking. You’re the best!
Brady W. says
Did you see that somebody named Jordan (I THINK the one off the show!) started a go-fund me page for Evan’s shirt? Ha! i about died when I saw that.
The fake tears are killing me.
Alex DEFINITELY has short-man syndrome because the fights he was starting were completely uncalled for.
Love Robby and Derek!
Laura Reynolds says
can’t. stop. laughing.
Your recaps are ah-mazing!
Totally noticed the non-existent tear as well.
And Alex??? OMG. Hello little man……
Poems, singing, dancing (poor Tenley)…I just can’t handle it! It makes me so uncomfortable and embarrassed for them that I can’t even watch. Bless their hearts.
Love , love , love your posts….you should compile all your old posts and make a book recapping each season! #bestseller! Thanks for making the show so fun to watch! 🙂 And I can’t wait for the Nordstrom sale in a few weeks and all your great picks! 🙂
Your recaps are on POINT! Love them!!!!
The only things I know about The Bachelorette are what I’ve read in your recaps. BUT, now I know that Evan needs a new turtleneck thanks to a Facebook post of a GoFundMe account…
Virginia Aid says
Innocently reading this post today at my desk, and actually snort laughed at this line: “You know what the botched wall kiss reminded me of? When you are going to sit down in a chair, and it’s much lower than you thought. It’s a terrible feeling, right” Totally know that feeling, definitely agree, and you’re wording gives me life!
Love your posts, so glad you keep up with it.
I always love your recaps but have never commented – only lurked behind the scenes. I have been reading since you started these (that’s actually how I found you because I loved Sean’s season). My little one is in a contest and I would love it if you would take a second and vote for her – http://woobox.com/hpzocp/gallery/eX-1fe5QRhg