WELL, LADIES…THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME. IT’S BACHELOR SEASON AGAIN!
#cuethepartyhorns #andthecrazygirls #andawholelotofawkwardness #andthewordvirginapproximatelythirtysixthousandtimes
For those of you that are new here, I’ve been doing Bachelor Recaps since Emily Maynard’s season because that’s when Sean was on, and Sean is one of my besties brother! Click HERE if you want to scroll through some of my Bachelor recaps of yesteryear. Click HERE to scroll through old Bachelorette recaps.
So this year we get to follow Colton on his journey to true love. Let’s take a moment to walk down memory lane and refresh ourselves on who Colton is, shall we? Colton was a big ol’ teddy bear of a man on Becca’s season and we liked him.
In fact, we liked him so much at first that we agreed to overlook his sleeveless crushed velvet hoodie on the season premier of The Bachelorette. Which was obviously a big deal. Because CRUSHED VELVET and SLEEVELESS. The main reason we let the crushed velvet hoodie slide is that he shared with us how his sweet little cousin was born with Cystic Fibrosis, so he started a National charity to support individuals with CF. We might not love crushed velvet, but we DO love kids and philanthropy. So we agreed to let Colton be Colton and wear a crushed velvet hoodie if he wanted to. #support
We fell more in love with him when he looked like the cover of a romance novel when with Becca on a boat.
HOWEVER. Some of us started giving him the side eye when he told Becca he was a virgin. Not BECAUSE he was a virgin. But because of how he explained it. HE claimed he had been just focusing on his career. HUH? I mean, that couldn’t have been the real reason, right? Was he trying to say that he just hadn’t done The Big Wiggle yet simply because he didn’t have time?
At that time, I wanted Colton to own his virginity and the real reason behind the decision. I didn’t want him to act like he just couldn’t find time in his schedule because of all of the of Two-a-Days.
Which brings me to this next thought. Let’s go back to my Men Tell All Recap where I shared 10 General Musings. Musing #9 follows.
MUSING #9: If I never hear about Colton’s virginity ever again, it will be wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too soon.
Well guess what, last night we came face to face with WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TO SOON.
And it is my sincere hope that you didn’t think it would be fun to engage in a drinking game where you drank when the word “virgin” was mentioned. Because if you did, then you’re dead this morning.
So, here’s the deal. Before we get started with the real recap, I have a couple of beefs with ABC that I would like to put out there. Actually, I have more than a handful, but let’s just talk about my top 2.
1) It was a 3 hour premiere, with 1 full hour being watch parties with Bachelor alums from around the U.S. I want ABC to understand that we don’t care about other people watching The Bachelor. WE want to watch The Bachelor.
Harrison, why you trying to kill us the first night? We aren’t as young as we once were.
2) Quit trying to make Colton’s virginity a thing. NOBODY CARES.
There was a lot of boring fluff in last night’s show, so I’m just going to hit the highlights. That means a lot of girls won’t even be mentioned, but you need to trust me on this.
I do feel like ABC hit a new low by setting up a hot tub in an L.A. parking lot and placing Krystal and Chris (who they were for some reason all calling Goose?!?) inside of it for color commentary. I’m not going to sugar coat things, I was concerned about bacteria growth.
And just when I thought it couldn’t get any ickier, they showed scantily clad Bachelor fans lined up waiting to hop into said bacteria hot tub.
Harrison then jumped back and forth between several different watch parties that were hosted by Bachelor alums and attended by Bachelor super fans. Let’s just go ahead and say it. The viewing parties were stupid. And there were 2 RANDO proposals that took place at the viewing parties. #excessive
In one of the proposals the guy asked the girl to be his “partner in crime for life.” That would be a HARD NO from me. I wouldn’t even care how big the free Neil Lane diamond was.
And although I felt like it was common knowledge that the viewing parties were stupid and a little bit sad, Harrison referred to them as “off the hook.” And I died a little inside. I expected more from our fearless leader.
LET’S MEET SOME OF THE GIRLS IN THEIR HOMETOWNS
Just like we always do, we got to meet some of the girls (before their limo exits) in their hometown environments.
First girl out of the gate was a Speech Pathologist (like me!) named Cassie! I immediately liked her. And spoiler alert: as the night went on, I realized that her training could come in handy.
Hannah from Alabama was Miss Alabama 2018. And she called herself Alabama Hannah. The end.
Heather let everybody know she has never been kissed. She met Colton briefly at a charity event and had a framed picture of them together. I’m hoping that she just had it on her phone and that the producers printed it off and an intern ran to Hobby Lobby to quickly grab a frame. She’s a California girl and I think she might fancy herself a mermaid.
Next we met Katie. Katie loves to dance. Here’s the real shame, it doesn’t appear that she can actually dance. Like at all.
This girl is a dental hygienist. And she “hopes Colton flosses” because she “gravitords” to nice teeth. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she meant to say “gravitates towards” that. I sure hope that’s what happens.
Y’ALL.
This is Demi. And she’s about to get lots of coverage by me because I’m shaking my dang head.
First of all, she likes to rock a 2 piece spandex number when walking around the farm. (I will say this. I dream of walking around in a 2 piece spandex number. But it shall never happen.)
She lives with her daddy because “her mamma is in Federal Prison” (she said casually). She accepted a call from her mother during her interview. For the record, her mother sounds lovely.
Also during her segment, she addressed a letter to her mother with “Dear Mommy,”. Which I hope we can all agree is weird. I think we can also agree that this looks like the penmanship of either a conscientious 2nd grader OR a stalker.
We’re going to henceforth refer to Demi as “Cupcake” because of the strange metaphor she used to talk about Colton’s inexperience.
Okay, so I know it’s early in the season, but I’m going to go ahead and predict that we are going to get a hometown date with Demi and her mommy, fresh out of of the pen. We’re potentially talking Dean levels of awkward at his hometown. #neverforget
In order to fill some more time of their 3 hour prime time slot, they then did a montage of couples with Bachelor babies, and I was all, WHERE THE HECK ARE SEAN AND CATHERINE?
FINALLY! AN HOUR IN! THE LIMO EXITS!
IT’S FINALLY LIMO TIME! At the 59 minute mark, we saw a limo!
Federal Prison mama was the first one out of the limo! She was wearing what I thought was a tragic two piece “banana yellow” formal that she must have found on eBay from the original 5-7-9. Right out of the gate she proclaimed to Colton that she had “not dated a virgin since she was 12!”. Calm down, Cupcake. That’s not something to be proud of.
Miss North Carolina had a cute little shtick. She came out of the limo wearing a “Miss North Carolina” sash, but she flipped it around while saying she was vying for an even better title, “Miss Underwood”. I thought it was cute and endearing, but I would like to point out that the sash should have said MRS. Underwood. I mean, unless she was vying for the title of Colton’s unmarried sister. Sigh.
This chick (I cannot remember her name for the life of me!) walked up to Colton with a balloon that the whole world thought was an apple. However, it was in fact a cherry. She popped the balloon and then announced that that she had “popped his cherry” and they wouldn’t need to talk about his virginity anymore. #nom’am
Trust me when I say that the joke is already old.
Cassie, the speech therapist, shared that she had butterflies meeting him. And she had a box of dead fake butterflies to prove it. I did notice that Colton picked one up off the ground for safe keeping, which was cute. I’m just glad there’s a speech therapist in the house, because a lot of peeps on this season seem to have trouble saying their medial /t/ sounds. You know, they say “buh-un” instead of “button”. Which makes me more than a tiny bit crazy. And it’s incredibly upsetting that the our bachelor’s name is ColTon. Ladies, it’s not “Col-un”.
Katie took his V card. Under the guise of a card trick.
YEP, still old.
Then the sloth slithered out of the limo. “I heard you take things slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-lyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” she said.
And I don’t care what anybody says. I thought it was HYSTERICAL. The girl was committed to the character, and I respected her for it. She walked slowly, she spoke slowly, she ate fruit, and she climbed trees. YOU GO, SLOTH GIRL. And although she was referencing his virginity, I thought she was a more appropriate metaphor for the first hour of the show.
Onyeka met Colton, and then she told the camera that he was a snack and that “mama was ready to eat.”
Alabama Hannah rolled up. She said “Coming here I didn’t want it to feel like competition in any way.” I think she may be disappointed to find out that this is in fact a competition.
And then this cop car rolled onto the glistening driveway with Tracy at the wheel. Tracy is a wardrobe stylist, but explained she rolled up in the cop car because she’s the “fashion police” tonight. And although I’m not familiar with California laws, I think she might have been breaking some type of penal code with her get up.
Bri, the model, had an accent. When asked about it, she said “the accent is Australian“. We learned seconds later that she was faking the accent. And that’s when she became my MVP. She didn’t mention his virginity AND she faked an accent. And to her credit, she didn’t claim to be from Australia, she simply stated that her accent was Australian. Which was genius.
Hannah G. is a “content creator” and I’m DYING to know what that means. I mean, I was all ready to poke fun at the title…..but then I realized that I think I’m a content creator. Yes? Ha!
She gave him an empty box claiming it had his favorite type of underwear in it. (Apparently we learned on Bachelor In Paradise that he likes to go Commando.) She was cute as a button. But she legit looked 12.
Catherine the DJ brought her dog Lucy, which she referred to as her “daughter”. #REDFLAG
She passed her “daughter” off to Colton and told the other girls that the dog was going to live with him during her time in the mansion.
That’s it for the limo exits worthy of a mention.
I’ve got to be honest, this season’s limo exits had me yearning for the days of yore. You know, when dolphins claimed to be sharks. It was a simpler time back then. And funnier. #thankheavensforthesloth
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME
All the girls were finally in the mansion, and it was time to mix and mingle!
Demi grabbed him first, which was no surprise to me. I mean, her mama is in Federal Prison, y’all. She shared with Colton that she likes 4 wheeling and long boarding. And she then declared “I definitely feel like Colton is attracted to me“. #eyeroll #puke #gag
The girl that gave him the nuts, Erica, sat down and said “We all know you’re a virgin, but I want to know WHY“. Colton basically reviewed how he couldn’t play football and do the big wiggle at the same time. And I believe that argument still has holes in it. IT MAKES NO SENSE. Colton, I will say it again, just own your virginity buddy!
Miss North Carolina sat down with him and had a conversation about traveling. She shared that she got dumped in Thailand, but I thought she said she got jumped in Thailand. I’m guessing being dumped was a much better scenario. And then he went in for the kiss! And all I could think was how Miss Alabama was going to announce an impromptu swimsuit competition to try to even the playing field.
I will tell you this. I wouldn’t be mad at a pageant queen fight. Or a talent competition. Or an interview with a panel of judges. I mean, I’m no Bachelor producer, but this has the makings of the best 2:1 EVER.
Next up, a dancing lesson with a string quartet.
Tayshia set up a makeshift carnival outside that included pony rides. It is much to my dismay that I have to report that Colton was the pony.
Several girls had their time with Colton, and during that time, Catherine interrupted 3 of them. The entitlement was strong with that one.
Tracy wouldn’t stand for it, so she put on a mask, donned a snorkel and a whistle, and said “I’m coming to save you because I heard you were drowning in bitches.” Which was awesome. I thought it was genuinely funny.
None of the girls were amused at Catherine’s assertiveness.
I think our resident Georgia peach said it best: “It disadvantages everybody else that’s here.” #soeloquent #sowise
Onyeka and Catherine had a little sit down, and Onyeka felt really good about their talk. She was sure that Catherine took her words to heart and would no longer be disrespecting the other ladies from here on out. #blessherheart
And then Catherine interrupted a conversation for a 4th time. Which was kind of awesome.
It was then that I realized who she reminded me of.
Wait for it……
Stiffler’s mom.
Stiffler’s mom needs to take a chill pill.
The speech pathologist taught him some sign language (ex. rose and kiss), and their time together was cute. I still like her, but their time together could have been better spent by working on his tongue positioning with his inconsistent interdental /s/. Can I get a fist bump from all the SLPs out there?
The second kiss of the night went to Katie, the medical sales rep from Sherman Oaks.
Then Hannah, this precious little tweleve year old girl, got the first impression rose and a kiss.
WHO GOT ROSES:
Caelynn, Katie, Alex, Hannah B., Onyeka, Caitlin, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole (who was about to stroke out), and… Catherine, of course!
To all of you who thought Catherine wasn’t going to get a rose. SUCKAS!
WHO DIDN’T GET ROSES:
Revian, Alex the Sloth, Devin, Erin, Jane, Laura, and Tahzjuan.
WHO HE KISSED:
For those of you keeping track, he made kissy face with the following 3 ladies (that we saw): Alabama Hanna, Caelynn, and Katie.
Rumor has it more kissy face actually occurred, it just didn’t make it to air.
WHAT’S TO COME:
When watching teasers from the rest of the season, know this: there are going to be an astounding number of women straddling Colton upon meeting him for dates. Also of note, Colton gets so upset one night that he seems to scale a 10 foot wall. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.
I hope you enjoyed the 1st Bachelor recap of the season. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW WITH EITHER YOUR TOP 3 picks, YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, or YOUR MOST CRINGE WORTHY MOMENT! And also, I would love it if you would share this post with your Bachelor loving friends!
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Oh, and for those of you that are new around these parts, you can check back here every Wednesday for weekly Bachelor recaps. The rest of the week I’ll be talking clothes. Click HERE to read a little bit ABOUT ME. Click over to see my first ever Amazon haul and click HERE to see what a regular post around here looks like (and learn about the best and most affordable black jeans).
The picture below includes outfits from my post on Monday where I shared some great tips and tricks to help make blanket scarves more manageable. I also highlighted some infinity scarves if blanket scarves aren’t your thing.
And you definitely need to check out the rest of my outfit because the earrings, the tee, the cardi, and the belt are all INCREDIBLE DEALS and ALL FROM AMAZON!
basic white tee / cardigan sweater top with pockets / resin hoop earrings / similar leopard belt / jeans sold out/ similar booties
And last but not least, I’ve got some SALE ALERTS for you!
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These boots that have excellent reviews are NOW ON SALE for just UNDER $50! WHAT A DEAL!
These cords are such a great alternative to jeans and they are NOW 50% OFF, making them ONLY #33.90! For all of you that work in a school or office environment that can’t wear jeans, you have got to try these! The regulars are several inches too long on me (I’m 5’4″), but that’s great news for you taller ladies! I’m wearing a 4P. They are mid rise, a relaxed fit, super soft, and extremely comfortable for all day wear. And I love that they have a great amount of stretch, but they don’t sag.
And my exact leopard belt has been sold out for months, but I found this similar one with excellent reviews for UNDER $13 with free shipping and returns!
cords courtesy of Kut from the Kloth ON SALE / black v neck sweater / must have denim jacket ON SALE/ similar leopard belt UNDER $13/ similar taupe booties ON SALE
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Check out this great basic black dress that can easily be dressed up or down. You could even pair it with my favorite denim jacket and shoreline converse! It’s NOW ON SALE and a TOTAL STEAL at $27.60! I’m wearing a small in the dress.
Other great sale items: a relaxed turtleneck sweater for you at 40% OFF, a darling ruffle back hem top for 40% OFF, a great military jacket (in 4 colors) at 40% OFF, and this Tommy Bahama 1/2 zip pullover for your guy for 50% OFF,
And this isn’t ON SALE, but it’s NEW and there’s a SPECIAL OFFER, so you know I had to talk about it. Y’all know that I’m a lover of Colleen Rothschild products, and yesterday they debuted their new Pomegranate and AHA Resurfacing Mask. The site says it’s an at-home instant facial for congested, uneven and problematic skin.
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Thanks, ladies! I’ll see you back here on Friday! I’m going to be sharing a little bit more about our family ranch that I’m always talking about, and I’ll be highlighting some perfect travel outfits. It’s going to be good!
Erika Slaughter says
Eeekkk!!! My episode didn’t record so I wanted to take notes from this post. :). Loved it!!
Danielle says
Erika….I haven’t watched the episode yet either because…DVR fail!! But, from the recap pictures, I thought Hannah looked a little bit like you!! Wonder if I still will think that when I watch the actual episode!! Funny.:)
Shay Shull says
I can’t even imagine how tired they are after night one! That was a lotttttt of drama to pack into the first night!
Narci says
I had so many cringeworthy moments, but I forgot them all when Colton seemed to jump over that wall in one fail swoop in the teaser at the end. How did he even do that? Crazy, but impressive. Ha.
Beth Miller says
Those watch parties were AWFUL!!! We do not care about “influencers” who sell tea and sunglasses on IG! Someone needed to take the mic away from poor Jared. #notaTVreporter
Deb says
I said the same exact thing about the sash. It should have read Mrs. Underwood!! Loved your take on the episode, I’m pretty certain I agree on every point!!
TIffany says
And where were the Lowe babies in that footage?? I thought OHCH and Sean were buds.??. Speaking of Chris — what about that awkward montage presented to him courtesy of his mommy? I seriously thought he was about to announce that this season he’d be announcing his final final rose ever.
Sheaffer says
Hi, Tiffany! I actually thought this morning that maybe they filmed those alum segments when Isaiah (their youngest) was in the hospital for a bit. Or maybe they were out of town! They would never intentionally leave them out for no reason!
Kelly says
Chris nicknamed himself the goose on bachelor in paradise!
Sheaffer says
Hey, Kelly! Good to know! Why? What’s the reasoning behind “Goose”?
Leah Reinemund says
No one honestly knows. He showed up to Bach in Paradise and started calling himself that! *eye roll*
Logan says
He started out BIP calling himself a “silly goose”…………………….. #icant
Sheaffer says
Stop. I can’t either.
Lauren says
Fellow SLP here. I am with you on the medial /t/ and interdental /s/. I cringe every single time. However, I am most confused by Cassie. In her opening segment she stated she was a speech pathologist but she also stated she was a graduate student. She’s also 23. Did she earn her Master’s in record time or is she a current graduate student in a speech language pathology program? Or is she a SLP-A? As we both know, these are NOT the same things. I’m thinking she would benefit from clarifying her language and possibly an ethics course.
Sheaffer says
Lauren! An ethics course made me lol! I just completed my CEUs and almost forgot the ethics hours! I think she must be an SLP-A.
Andrea says
The producers are the ones who wanted her to leave off the fact that she is currently an assistant while finishing her degree. She went to undergrad with my daughter and is a really sweet girl!
Kristin says
Fellow SLP here. My question is how did she get this much time off grad school. Maybe mine was tough, but there wasn’t time for hanky panky in grad scool
Allison says
Fist bump right back to the hilarious SLP comments! Maybe Cassie can get a side gig teaching a phonetics class while she’s there.
Lauren says
Another SLP (and Lauren!) here. I wondered the same thing. You don’t get to use the title while you’re still in grad school! ? Still rooting for her though!
Shelby says
If you go to Cassie’s Instagram she had a whole post about explaining why she used “SLP” ~and basically apologizing for it– even though it was producer-induced 🙂 her Instagram is cassierandolph
Kristine G. says
Thank goodness for DVR! I was able to fast forward through all of the extra stuff! Looking forward to this season! I also couldn’t stand Demi…I hope she doesn’t get too far. I think he and Hannah are cute together…she is only 23 so that’s probably why she looks 12! Ha!
Dawn says
You had me at ‘Stiffler’s Mom’. Literally laughing out loud reading this. I may have to watch this season.
Kassy says
I don’t watch this show anymore but I do read your re-caps because you are so darn witty! Love it. Thanks for the laughs this morning.
Tiffany says
I don’t even watch the show anymore but I always love when it’s time for your recap. It’s my favorite time of the year on your blog. :).
April Parrish says
I’m still laughing about Stiffler’s mom!!!
I agree- way too much talk about Colton’s virginity! Sick of hearing about it at this point!
Great recap as always!
Amy says
Hysterical….always look forward to your recaps. I think they are truly the reason I still watch the show. ?❤️I did not enjoy the parties sharing all the fans and I thought the people waiting in their suits to join the hot tub was a little tacky! Thank goodness for DVR’s!??
Jan Fisher says
I’m so glad you do these posts…I could not even watch with a 3 hour premier! Ridiculous!
I’ll read along and maybe start watching when they narrow down the playing field a little! LOL
I know these are a lot of work, but man are they funny! Good job!
Gina says
I fast forwarded thru most of the fluff. What a waste of time!! Catherine reminds me of Krystal….she even whispered like her several times. Stiffler’s mom Ha! I couldn’t believe the hot tub in the parking lot….of the people lined up to get in it!
Lynn says
Girl you hit the nail on the head with the stupid watch parties. What is ABC thinking?! The virginity thing has to stoooooop!! However I don’t ever see an end to it. ??♀️??♀️??♀️ I can see 12 year old making it to the end.
Dibs says
OK so I’m totally cheating on my teaching partner! We agreed that we would read your recap together at prep but she is gone this morning and I read it! Made me laugh so hard that when my class came in they thought I was crying! Well done, Sheaffer!!! I loved it!
Jill says
1. I too hate the viewing parties!
2. I think I was the only one annoyed by the sloth lol
3. Faves so far….Baby Hannah (because he likes her), Cassie and Nicole
Christina says
Hannah G is my favorite too so far!
And I agree, I hated the viewing parties…and was very annoyed by the sloth…
Danielle says
I don’t even watch the show anymore but I live for these recaps!!??
meg hodges says
The WHOLE three hour episode felt icky to me! I couldn’t bring myself to even finish the episode. And I totally agree with you when say that there’s an underlying reason why he’s still a virgin. Own it, and move on!
Beth says
Most cringeworthy moment for me: Demi saying she has “kitty cats” ??? made me laugh!! Also a cringe for me as a resident of North Carolina— Miss NC said she had only lived in N.C. for a year?! I felt a little feisty about that.
Carly says
I can’t hear that soft “t” sound without having Clueless flashbacks of Ty (Brittany Murphy) and El-uhn ?.
Hilarious recap! I fast forwarded through so much last night. And had SO MUCH secondary embarrassment for the sloth. All that work and she went home on Night One and had to face her family and friends ?!
Gail W. says
El-uhn – that’s a riot!!! I want to scream, ”T’s are not silent, people!!
Crystal says
Thank you thank you for these recaps! I don’t watch the show much anymore but still look forward to reading these on Wednesdays!!
Kathy Lang says
I agree 110%–the watch parties were annoying and stupid. I zoomed right through them on my DVR! OMG–Catherine does look like Stifler’s mom!! I think the 12 year old and the SLP-A are going to make it pretty far. No one is my favorite…yet. Thanks for taking the time to do these re-caps, because they are the BEST!!!
Jenny says
Oh, my gosh! I quit watching this YEARS ago! However, you’re recaps are awesome, so because of this, and I was sick in bed and clearly out of my mind, I watched. You are hilarious, and now I will have to watch so I can laugh at you’re oh so accurate recaps!
Dawn Scheurich says
Ok—first off, gag to the hot tub in the parking lot, and I, too, didn’t get the “Goose” memo…
Secondly, my question as well is where were Sean and Catherine?! Seriously??!!
Thirdly, did you notice Colton’s face when Stiffler’s mom interrupted for the 4th time? Priceless!
I just love your recaps—lots of agreeing with you and laughing out loud af your observations! Wish we could all have a large viewing party of our own! I watch alone in shame over here…??♀️
MelanieL says
I’m so excited for another round of your hilarious Bachelor recaps!! When he gave the last rose to Stifler’s mom I announced to my family that “I’M DONE” with this show lol! Just kidding but I think we all saw that coming from a mile away…:)
Sarah G says
LOVE that you are doing the recaps again!! I didn’t get to watch all of that episode because of how forever long it was, so this was perfect! Thanks for taking the time to entertain us 🙂
Amy T says
I don’t watch the bachelor regularly because I just don’t have time…see what I did there?! But saw your Instagram post about the recap and got sooooo excited! They should have you on the show doing a recap before each new episode…then I’d actually watch!
I’m sad that the sloth got sent home, that is actually funny! And in the cocktail party picture, for a second I thought that the blonde in the pink dress was pregnant…but no that’s just her sleeves.
Adrienne says
Gah I don’t even watch this show anymore but your recaps are a HOOT!! Love these!
Anna Jones says
My “musings” from week 1:
– I don’t care a thing about someone else’s viewing party
– If we talk about virginity all season I will lose my mind!
– I hope the beauty queens both stay for awhile.. this will be entertaining.
– Catherine (steal yo man) will be the next Corinne & Crystal.
– First Impression Rose Hannah is definitely YOUNG!
– I liked the SLP not wearing an evening gown.. standing out!
– And he’s not going to be good a figuring out peoples motives.. (hope I’m wrong on this one)
Caitlin says
Your recaps are literally THE. BEST!!! I love it all! And ps he didn’t kiss Alabama Hannah he kissed North Carolina Caelynn:)
Sheaffer says
Oops! You’re right, Caitlin! I will fix it after I get home this afternoon! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Julie H says
My cringe worthy moment was Colton kissing Hannah the 12 year old! She is the worst kisser I’ve ever seen! Total cringe worthy!!! She did this push off with her lips at the end of every kiss. A fast, quick, hard lip push off. Yuck!!!!!
TraceyM says
I noticed that too, about the way Hannah kissed Colton. I thought it was weird?
Shannon says
Love your recaps! They always make me laugh! He kissed 12 yr-old Hannah though, not Alabama Hannah!
Sara says
Omg Sheaffer! The watch parties were absolute torture! My hubby asked if he should watch and I was like, “NO! Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Like any of us care about random strangers watching the same show as us. And getting engaged. Whatever. ABC needs to hire you. No one wants a 3 hour show that could easily fit in a 2 hour slot.
Also, can I just say that the amount of filler on last night’s episode was so disturbing to me! Those 20 year olds are ruining their faces and someone needs to tell them to STOP (I’m looking at you Jojo!). These pretty young girls are plumped and filled to the max and it isn’t attractive. Or even natural looking. So sad.
At least I can look forward to your hilarious recaps! Thanks for all your hard work!
Annie says
Stickers mom, Omiword I’m crying! ? I look forward to your recaps every season!!! Can’t wait for all the cray-cray!
Susan says
I too did the fast forward through all of the watch parties and Chris Harrison’s dribble in between. I only watch the show so I can follow your recaps! They are hilarious! I didn’t think any of the women seemed sincere and I’m convinced that Colton is only after the TV time, not a wife!
Julie says
I think I’m just going to refer to Catherine as Botox girl. Icky!!
Hailey says
Girl, I LIVE for your bachelor recaps!!! So good. So, so good. ? Hannah G is my fave so far – but yes, I think she’s 12.
Katie T. says
I love watching The Bachelor…. but I LOVE reading your recaps. You make me laugh out loud more in these posts and it Makes my day. I know they are time consuming to write but I SO appreciate them. So, thank you! Can’t wait for the rest of the crazy to follow. Also, I have a feeling about Hannah G! We shall see how it goes!!
Courtney Lowery says
I really wanted to see the moment the fake Australian told Colton she was faking her accent… bummed that didn’t make the cut
Kim says
Right?! It didn’t even make sense without them showing this scene. Maybe they could’ve cut some of the watch party footage and shown us this conversation instead.
Ashley says
I don’t watch The Bachelor, but I love reading the re-caps!
Rikki says
oh how my “January Blues” needed this recap today! once again, spot on Sheaffer, you nailed it!
Rhonda C says
Sheaffer I never love you more than when you write these brilliant Bachelor recaps!! Don’t get me wrong, I love a leopard belt as much as the next girl (plus literally everything you show us! Your “must haves” are spot on and I have a closet full of them) but your Bachelor observations are Oh So Good!!! I feel a little protective of our innocent Colton and I hope he doesn’t sample any of Demi’s forbidden cupcakes – I don’t know what sort of guy she was dating when she was 12, but I have a feeling this apple didn’t fall far from the federal penitentiary inmate’s tree! I’m sure Colton’s mom is as worried as I am. Can’t wait for next Monday’s show because that means your Wednesday recap isn’t far away…
Kathy says
Oh my goodness, you’re as funny as Sheaffer!
Allyson R. says
I did not enjoy the sloth. If she had cut it out after the first few minutes it would have been okay. Re: Catherine…no. If he is in this to find a REAL mate then cut her. She is not worth anyone’s time unless everyone just knows she is there for the role of the villain and for ratings.
Michelle says
All I can say is “ Stiffler’s Mom” ROTFL!!!
Jeni says
Stiflers mom- hahaha loved reading this friend.
Becky Carl says
All I can think about when watching is “I know Scheaffer is gonna see that”! You are so spot on?. Ok, I have one for everyone….what is that strange arm in the fans line up for the hot tub? Under Chris’ left arm? Enlarge that pic!
Sheaffer says
Becky! OMG! He looks naked!!!
katarina k says
SITTFLER’S MOM HAHAHAHAHAH I AM CRACKING UP IN MY CUBICLE RIGHT NOW!!
This recap was great – so spot on, and mirrored a lot of my own thoughts.
My top 3:
Caelynn, Hannah G, and Cassie.
Sarah says
I’m also calling a 2:1 with the Beauty queens!
Lori Kees says
I am so excited! Recaps are back!!! Mrs. Underwood please and Mrs. Stiffer, yes M’am!!!
Katy S says
Shaeffer, I haven’t watched the Bachelor for years, but I always look forward to your recaps! Thanks for the laughs!
Laura says
“Gravitords”? So glad you heard this new word, too.
Robin says
Love your Bachelor recaps! My sweet husband is watching with me this season to spend time with me. ❤️ But, I have to tell someone else I told him Catherine would be the last rise, and I was RIGHT!!!! ???
Jenn says
Proud SLP reporting for Bach duty!!! ???
Tara says
There are not enough “clap” emojis in existence to send you all of the claps I want to send you. HATED the watch parties, AM SO OVER any talk of virginity. I tried to get a girlfriend into my love of The Bachelor, and this was the first and only episode she saw. She is disgusted, and thinks I’m certifiably insane for wasting three hours of her life. I can’t argue with her over that, based on what we all saw.
If ABC is actively trying to lose fans, then they have earned their bonuses. I have no desire to do anything except read your fabulous recaps. 🙂
Jennifer says
I loved the recap! I am just now watching this with my husband. As soon as Catherine walked out of the car, he said, “OH MY GOD! She looks just like STIFFLER’S MOM!!! LOL!
The watch parties were unnecessary!
cassie // hi sugarplum says
I am so excited for these recaps!!! the best part of my week!! Your recaps are seriously 1000 times better than the actual show!!!
Amanda says
Only watching this season #1.so I can enjoy your Hilarious recaps #2. So I know who the next bachelorette is and know the ones that make it to the next paradise cast. Because hearing about Colton’s virginity over and over again made me not want to watch this season at all!! Most cringeworthy moment for me was when poor Jason had to announce we had our first Virgin bachelor ever…I mean just why go there!?!
Becky says
I don’t watch the bachelor but girl I will read your Bachelor blog posts ANY DAY! It was laugh out loud funny and I so loved it so please keep them coming. I feel like I need to go read prior seasons. Like binge watching but binge reading 🙂 seriously. SO GOOD!
Carolyn says
We’re gonna need your inside scoop to find out why Sean and Catherine weren’t included!! Also, I KNEW you would mention the Mrs. sash! I try to guess the things you will write about!! Haha!! Love the recaps!! It wouldn’t be as fun to watch without reading them!!
Kelli says
Mrs. Stiffler!! ??? #NailedIt. This is as good as Tinkerbell/Rizo from Arie’s season ?. Chris Harrison periodically walking the dog was a little cheesy. Also, I felt a little awkward watching Colton’s repeated shower scenes ?. I think it referred back to the scene approximately 5 times! And I have to say I was impressed with Hannah from Alabama for not flaunting her title as Miss Alabama. And you are GENIUS, 2:1 date with the beauty queens. Best. Idea. Ever. ?
Sarah says
Love your recaps! I can’t bring myself to watch the show anymore but your recaps are better than watching it anyway!
Lesley says
Love your recaps! Fellow SLP here, and I totally agree!
Valerie says
I look forward to the Bachelor because of your recaps!
Have you seen the article on Popsugar for the Bachelor Workout? Instead of a drinking game, it has exercises to do when someone says or does something. Guaranteed to get in shape before the final rose.
https://www.popsugar.com/fitness/Bachelor-Workout-Game-44512352?utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=post&utm_campaign=frontdoor&fbclid=IwAR1ooXpgrbhu-BqSF_hqQ8cBQx1eetYeyE4AxZEKdVvX5SLqoWl6JiEYVU8
Kristin S says
It is like everything is right with the world when your recaps are posted.
1. Totally agree about Catherine. She’s had A LOT of work done. Bless.
2. No mention of the pink sofas that clashed with every single dress? I know they rent out someone’s private home for all this and they change around the furniture but those pink sofas look ridiculous.
Courtney says
I LOVE your recaps and I am so glad they are back. 2 on 1 beauty queen showdown – YES!
Melanie says
Do you have the link for your Bachelor recaps when Sean was the Bachelor? I tried doing a search on your site, but couldn’t find it. I was watching the Bachelor at that time, but I didn’t know about your blog. I would love to read those for that season. Thanks!!
Sheaffer says
Hey, Melanie! I don’t have them saved by seasons, but that would have been a great idea. 🙁 If you search “Sean Lowe” on the search tab on my blog, you can at least get to my recap of the televised wedding! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Baylee says
Loved your recap! Love both Hannahs… they are actually both from Alabama! 🙂
Amy Baker says
Sheaffer! You Kill me with these posts! I so look forward to them and my daughter enjoys them just as much! Stillfer’s MOM! I died laughing! And I think what mortified me the most is a bunch of people sitting in a hot tub in a parking lot and then following it up with people standing in bikinis waiting in line to get in with them on National TV!! BLECK! i was so majorly grossed out by that! It’s going to be an interesting season, but I wish they would let go of the whole virginity thing. Can’t wait to see why he scales the wall and disappears to the point that Chris Harrison is running after him with a camera in tow. LOL!
Trina says
I am so frustrated with the missing “t” situation! I hear it all of the time and I can’t understand why no one else seems to notice!
Kara says
Speech pathologist here too, so of course you know who has my vote. Our family is currently living in the town where Colton grew up and it is fascinating to watch this whole thing unfold.
Terra Heck says
I actually liked Demi’s yellow dress. I agree, the viewing parties were unnecessary. They were a bunch of wasted TV time. Chris was called Goose (for whatever reason) in Bachelor in Paradise so that’s probably why they’re still calling him that.
I think you should be hired for the Bachelor. Your ideas are the best, especially that 2:1 pageant girls date. I agree that Hannah looks young but I really like her so far.
Rachel says
LOVE your recaps!! They are hilarious! I agree…. Colton’s reasoning for being a virgin doesn’t add up in my book. Sean Lowe will always be my fave bachelor, but I do hope it works out for Colton- he seems like a genuinely nice guy. Looking forward to your recaps!
Jaren says
Oh how I love these recaps so much!!!! I was literally laughing out loud! Thank you for that!
Elaine says
Thank you for starting this season #strong. I love your recaps!
Cringe-worthy for me was listening to Colton and Miss NC talk about how mature and experienced they are #ifyouhavetotellushowmatureyouareyouprobablyaren’t
Also I’m surrounded by SLPs (my sister and 2 closest friends) so I loved Cassie and all of your SLP references!
Looking forward to your recaps again this season. That and Colton scaling that wall may be the only reasons I suffer through a season of young contestants, Colton’s virginity references and Colton seeming very sweet but #notquitesmart.
Thanks!
Kim says
I am behind on my blog reading and was so excited when I realized I had not one but two of your recaps waiting for me. Laughing out loud on my couch. I’m so glad you reminded me of who Catherine looks like – OF COURSE it’s Stiffler’s mom. And I, too, was puzzled about the Miss not Mrs. Underwood title. So glad you’re continuing your recaps, it will help us get through this season of extreme Botox and mentions of virginity (seriously, I hope someone is keeping a tally).
Rebecca says
Favorite moment of the recap: #neverforget Dean’s hometown. AHHH!!!
Kristen says
Fist bump! I’m an SLP too and his interdental /s/ drives me crazy hahaha. Also can we point out how Cassie is an SLPA and is in grad school to be an SLP? I worked hard for my CCCs so don’t claim to have them if you don’t! But still, she’s my fave regardless.
Sheaffer says
Hey Kristen! Somebody explained to me that the SLP thing was a producer thing and that she explained it on her instagram or another social media source. She’s one of my faves too! xoxo
Linda E says
So happy to have your recaps back in my inbox! My top 4 are Good Hannah, Cassie, Elyse and Caelyn. I totally think a 2:1 beauty queen date is in the cards. As for cringe-worthy moment–there were too many to mention. But your recap totally nailed everything my daughter and I were talking about while watching!