WELL, LADIES…THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME. IT’S BACHELOR SEASON AGAIN!
#cuethepartyhorns #andthecrazygirls #andawholelotofawkwardness #andthewordvirginapproximatelythirtysixthousandtimes
For those of you that are new here, I’ve been doing Bachelor Recaps since Emily Maynard’s season because that’s when Sean was on, and Sean is one of my besties brother! Click HERE if you want to scroll through some of my Bachelor recaps of yesteryear. Click HERE to scroll through old Bachelorette recaps.
So this year we get to follow Colton on his journey to true love. Let’s take a moment to walk down memory lane and refresh ourselves on who Colton is, shall we? Colton was a big ol’ teddy bear of a man on Becca’s season and we liked him.
In fact, we liked him so much at first that we agreed to overlook his sleeveless crushed velvet hoodie on the season premier of The Bachelorette. Which was obviously a big deal. Because CRUSHED VELVET and SLEEVELESS. The main reason we let the crushed velvet hoodie slide is that he shared with us how his sweet little cousin was born with Cystic Fibrosis, so he started a National charity to support individuals with CF. We might not love crushed velvet, but we DO love kids and philanthropy. So we agreed to let Colton be Colton and wear a crushed velvet hoodie if he wanted to. #support
We fell more in love with him when he looked like the cover of a romance novel when with Becca on a boat.
HOWEVER. Some of us started giving him the side eye when he told Becca he was a virgin. Not BECAUSE he was a virgin. But because of how he explained it. HE claimed he had been just focusing on his career. HUH? I mean, that couldn’t have been the real reason, right? Was he trying to say that he just hadn’t done The Big Wiggle yet simply because he didn’t have time?
At that time, I wanted Colton to own his virginity and the real reason behind the decision. I didn’t want him to act like he just couldn’t find time in his schedule because of all of the of Two-a-Days.
Which brings me to this next thought. Let’s go back to my Men Tell All Recap where I shared 10 General Musings. Musing #9 follows.
MUSING #9: If I never hear about Colton’s virginity ever again, it will be wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too soon.
Well guess what, last night we came face to face with WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TO SOON.
And it is my sincere hope that you didn’t think it would be fun to engage in a drinking game where you drank when the word “virgin” was mentioned. Because if you did, then you’re dead this morning.
So, here’s the deal. Before we get started with the real recap, I have a couple of beefs with ABC that I would like to put out there. Actually, I have more than a handful, but let’s just talk about my top 2.
1) It was a 3 hour premiere, with 1 full hour being watch parties with Bachelor alums from around the U.S. I want ABC to understand that we don’t care about other people watching The Bachelor. WE want to watch The Bachelor.
Harrison, why you trying to kill us the first night? We aren’t as young as we once were.
2) Quit trying to make Colton’s virginity a thing. NOBODY CARES.
There was a lot of boring fluff in last night’s show, so I’m just going to hit the highlights. That means a lot of girls won’t even be mentioned, but you need to trust me on this.
I do feel like ABC hit a new low by setting up a hot tub in an L.A. parking lot and placing Krystal and Chris (who they were for some reason all calling Goose?!?) inside of it for color commentary. I’m not going to sugar coat things, I was concerned about bacteria growth.
And just when I thought it couldn’t get any ickier, they showed scantily clad Bachelor fans lined up waiting to hop into said bacteria hot tub.
Harrison then jumped back and forth between several different watch parties that were hosted by Bachelor alums and attended by Bachelor super fans. Let’s just go ahead and say it. The viewing parties were stupid. And there were 2 RANDO proposals that took place at the viewing parties. #excessive
In one of the proposals the guy asked the girl to be his “partner in crime for life.” That would be a HARD NO from me. I wouldn’t even care how big the free Neil Lane diamond was.
And although I felt like it was common knowledge that the viewing parties were stupid and a little bit sad, Harrison referred to them as “off the hook.” And I died a little inside. I expected more from our fearless leader.
LET’S MEET SOME OF THE GIRLS IN THEIR HOMETOWNS
Just like we always do, we got to meet some of the girls (before their limo exits) in their hometown environments.
First girl out of the gate was a Speech Pathologist (like me!) named Cassie! I immediately liked her. And spoiler alert: as the night went on, I realized that her training could come in handy.
Hannah from Alabama was Miss Alabama 2018. And she called herself Alabama Hannah. The end.
Heather let everybody know she has never been kissed. She met Colton briefly at a charity event and had a framed picture of them together. I’m hoping that she just had it on her phone and that the producers printed it off and an intern ran to Hobby Lobby to quickly grab a frame. She’s a California girl and I think she might fancy herself a mermaid.
Next we met Katie. Katie loves to dance. Here’s the real shame, it doesn’t appear that she can actually dance. Like at all.
This girl is a dental hygienist. And she “hopes Colton flosses” because she “gravitords” to nice teeth. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she meant to say “gravitates towards” that. I sure hope that’s what happens.
This is Demi. And she’s about to get lots of coverage by me because I’m shaking my dang head.
First of all, she likes to rock a 2 piece spandex number when walking around the farm. (I will say this. I dream of walking around in a 2 piece spandex number. But it shall never happen.)
She lives with her daddy because “her mamma is in Federal Prison” (she said casually). She accepted a call from her mother during her interview. For the record, her mother sounds lovely.
Also during her segment, she addressed a letter to her mother with “Dear Mommy,”. Which I hope we can all agree is weird. I think we can also agree that this looks like the penmanship of either a conscientious 2nd grader OR a stalker.
We’re going to henceforth refer to Demi as “Cupcake” because of the strange metaphor she used to talk about Colton’s inexperience.
Okay, so I know it’s early in the season, but I’m going to go ahead and predict that we are going to get a hometown date with Demi and her mommy, fresh out of of the pen. We’re potentially talking Dean levels of awkward at his hometown. #neverforget
In order to fill some more time of their 3 hour prime time slot, they then did a montage of couples with Bachelor babies, and I was all, WHERE THE HECK ARE SEAN AND CATHERINE?
FINALLY! AN HOUR IN! THE LIMO EXITS!
IT’S FINALLY LIMO TIME! At the 59 minute mark, we saw a limo!
Federal Prison mama was the first one out of the limo! She was wearing what I thought was a tragic two piece “banana yellow” formal that she must have found on eBay from the original 5-7-9. Right out of the gate she proclaimed to Colton that she had “not dated a virgin since she was 12!”. Calm down, Cupcake. That’s not something to be proud of.
Miss North Carolina had a cute little shtick. She came out of the limo wearing a “Miss North Carolina” sash, but she flipped it around while saying she was vying for an even better title, “Miss Underwood”. I thought it was cute and endearing, but I would like to point out that the sash should have said MRS. Underwood. I mean, unless she was vying for the title of Colton’s unmarried sister. Sigh.
This chick (I cannot remember her name for the life of me!) walked up to Colton with a balloon that the whole world thought was an apple. However, it was in fact a cherry. She popped the balloon and then announced that that she had “popped his cherry” and they wouldn’t need to talk about his virginity anymore. #nom’am
Trust me when I say that the joke is already old.
Cassie, the speech therapist, shared that she had butterflies meeting him. And she had a box of
dead fake butterflies to prove it. I did notice that Colton picked one up off the ground for safe keeping, which was cute. I’m just glad there’s a speech therapist in the house, because a lot of peeps on this season seem to have trouble saying their medial /t/ sounds. You know, they say “buh-un” instead of “button”. Which makes me more than a tiny bit crazy. And it’s incredibly upsetting that the our bachelor’s name is ColTon. Ladies, it’s not “Col-un”.
Katie took his V card. Under the guise of a card trick.
YEP, still old.
Then the sloth slithered out of the limo. “I heard you take things slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-lyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” she said.
And I don’t care what anybody says. I thought it was HYSTERICAL. The girl was committed to the character, and I respected her for it. She walked slowly, she spoke slowly, she ate fruit, and she climbed trees. YOU GO, SLOTH GIRL. And although she was referencing his virginity, I thought she was a more appropriate metaphor for the first hour of the show.
Onyeka met Colton, and then she told the camera that he was a snack and that “mama was ready to eat.”
Alabama Hannah rolled up. She said “Coming here I didn’t want it to feel like competition in any way.” I think she may be disappointed to find out that this is in fact a competition.
And then this cop car rolled onto the glistening driveway with Tracy at the wheel. Tracy is a wardrobe stylist, but explained she rolled up in the cop car because she’s the “fashion police” tonight. And although I’m not familiar with California laws, I think she might have been breaking some type of penal code with her get up.
Bri, the model, had an accent. When asked about it, she said “the accent is Australian“. We learned seconds later that she was faking the accent. And that’s when she became my MVP. She didn’t mention his virginity AND she faked an accent. And to her credit, she didn’t claim to be from Australia, she simply stated that her accent was Australian. Which was genius.
Hannah G. is a “content creator” and I’m DYING to know what that means. I mean, I was all ready to poke fun at the title…..but then I realized that I think I’m a content creator. Yes? Ha!
She gave him an empty box claiming it had his favorite type of underwear in it. (Apparently we learned on Bachelor In Paradise that he likes to go Commando.) She was cute as a button. But she legit looked 12.
Catherine the DJ brought her dog Lucy, which she referred to as her “daughter”. #REDFLAG
She passed her “daughter” off to Colton and told the other girls that the dog was going to live with him during her time in the mansion.
That’s it for the limo exits worthy of a mention.
I’ve got to be honest, this season’s limo exits had me yearning for the days of yore. You know, when dolphins claimed to be sharks. It was a simpler time back then. And funnier. #thankheavensforthesloth
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME
All the girls were finally in the mansion, and it was time to mix and mingle!
Demi grabbed him first, which was no surprise to me. I mean, her mama is in Federal Prison, y’all. She shared with Colton that she likes 4 wheeling and long boarding. And she then declared “I definitely feel like Colton is attracted to me“. #eyeroll #puke #gag
The girl that gave him the nuts, Erica, sat down and said “We all know you’re a virgin, but I want to know WHY“. Colton basically reviewed how he couldn’t play football and do the big wiggle at the same time. And I believe that argument still has holes in it. IT MAKES NO SENSE. Colton, I will say it again, just own your virginity buddy!
Miss North Carolina sat down with him and had a conversation about traveling. She shared that she got dumped in Thailand, but I thought she said she got jumped in Thailand. I’m guessing being dumped was a much better scenario. And then he went in for the kiss! And all I could think was how Miss Alabama was going to announce an impromptu swimsuit competition to try to even the playing field.
I will tell you this. I wouldn’t be mad at a pageant queen fight. Or a talent competition. Or an interview with a panel of judges. I mean, I’m no Bachelor producer, but this has the makings of the best 2:1 EVER.
Next up, a dancing lesson with a string quartet.
Tayshia set up a makeshift carnival outside that included pony rides. It is much to my dismay that I have to report that Colton was the pony.
Several girls had their time with Colton, and during that time, Catherine interrupted 3 of them. The entitlement was strong with that one.
Tracy wouldn’t stand for it, so she put on a mask, donned a snorkel and a whistle, and said “I’m coming to save you because I heard you were drowning in bitches.” Which was awesome. I thought it was genuinely funny.
None of the girls were amused at Catherine’s assertiveness.
I think our resident Georgia peach said it best: “It disadvantages everybody else that’s here.” #soeloquent #sowise
Onyeka and Catherine had a little sit down, and Onyeka felt really good about their talk. She was sure that Catherine took her words to heart and would no longer be disrespecting the other ladies from here on out. #blessherheart
And then Catherine interrupted a conversation for a 4th time. Which was kind of awesome.
It was then that I realized who she reminded me of.
Wait for it……
Stiffler’s mom needs to take a chill pill.
The speech pathologist taught him some sign language (ex. rose and kiss), and their time together was cute. I still like her, but their time together could have been better spent by working on his tongue positioning with his inconsistent interdental /s/. Can I get a fist bump from all the SLPs out there?
The second kiss of the night went to Katie, the medical sales rep from Sherman Oaks.
Then Hannah, this precious little tweleve year old girl, got the first impression rose and a kiss.
WHO GOT ROSES:
Caelynn, Katie, Alex, Hannah B., Onyeka, Caitlin, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole (who was about to stroke out), and… Catherine, of course!
To all of you who thought Catherine wasn’t going to get a rose. SUCKAS!
WHO DIDN’T GET ROSES:
Revian, Alex the Sloth, Devin, Erin, Jane, Laura, and Tahzjuan.
WHO HE KISSED:
For those of you keeping track, he made kissy face with the following 3 ladies (that we saw): Alabama Hanna, Caelynn, and Katie.
Rumor has it more kissy face actually occurred, it just didn’t make it to air.
WHAT’S TO COME:
When watching teasers from the rest of the season, know this: there are going to be an astounding number of women straddling Colton upon meeting him for dates. Also of note, Colton gets so upset one night that he seems to scale a 10 foot wall. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.
I hope you enjoyed the 1st Bachelor recap of the season. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW WITH EITHER YOUR TOP 3 picks, YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, or YOUR MOST CRINGE WORTHY MOMENT! And also, I would love it if you would share this post with your Bachelor loving friends!
Oh, and for those of you that are new around these parts, you can check back here every Wednesday for weekly Bachelor recaps. The rest of the week I’ll be talking clothes. Click HERE to read a little bit ABOUT ME. Click over to see my first ever Amazon haul and click HERE to see what a regular post around here looks like (and learn about the best and most affordable black jeans).
The picture below includes outfits from my post on Monday where I shared some great tips and tricks to help make blanket scarves more manageable. I also highlighted some infinity scarves if blanket scarves aren’t your thing.
And you definitely need to check out the rest of my outfit because the earrings, the tee, the cardi, and the belt are all INCREDIBLE DEALS and ALL FROM AMAZON!
And last but not least, I’ve got some SALE ALERTS for you!
SALE ALERTS! SALE ALERTS! SALE ALERTS! SALE ALERTS! SALE ALERTS!
These boots that have excellent reviews are NOW ON SALE for just UNDER $50! WHAT A DEAL!
These cords are such a great alternative to jeans and they are NOW 50% OFF, making them ONLY #33.90! For all of you that work in a school or office environment that can’t wear jeans, you have got to try these! The regulars are several inches too long on me (I’m 5’4″), but that’s great news for you taller ladies! I’m wearing a 4P. They are mid rise, a relaxed fit, super soft, and extremely comfortable for all day wear. And I love that they have a great amount of stretch, but they don’t sag.
And my exact leopard belt has been sold out for months, but I found this similar one with excellent reviews for UNDER $13 with free shipping and returns!
And what about a pair of Kut boyfriend jeans for just UNDER $30!!!
Check out this great basic black dress that can easily be dressed up or down. You could even pair it with my favorite denim jacket and shoreline converse! It’s NOW ON SALE and a TOTAL STEAL at $27.60! I’m wearing a small in the dress.
Other great sale items: a relaxed turtleneck sweater for you at 40% OFF, a darling ruffle back hem top for 40% OFF, a great military jacket (in 4 colors) at 40% OFF, and this Tommy Bahama 1/2 zip pullover for your guy for 50% OFF,
And this isn’t ON SALE, but it’s NEW and there’s a SPECIAL OFFER, so you know I had to talk about it. Y’all know that I’m a lover of Colleen Rothschild products, and yesterday they debuted their new Pomegranate and AHA Resurfacing Mask. The site says it’s an at-home instant facial for congested, uneven and problematic skin.
And right now (today only!), you can receive a mask brush and a mini radiant cleansing balm (a $33 value) with the purchase of the new pomegranate mask!
Thanks, ladies! I’ll see you back here on Friday! I’m going to be sharing a little bit more about our family ranch that I’m always talking about, and I’ll be highlighting some perfect travel outfits. It’s going to be good!