Yay!
I mean, COME ON!
They’re in a convertible and there’s a film crew in their face….let’s exercise a bit of caution and take the 2.3 seconds it would take to BUCKLE UP.
But even more upsetting than that…..do none of these girls keep a rubber band on their wrist like any self-respecting girl with pony tail length hair should?
Come on girls. I expect more.
When dating Ben, you apparently always need to be prepared for a ride in a convertible.
Now, I know I would freak out, but Lauren, you fly the friendly skies FOR YOUR JOB!
I feel like Lauren should have been passing out peanuts and offering Ben a cocktail.
But me in the same situation?
GUARANTEED.
But I’m all, WAIT.
Isn’t that Caila’s hot tub?
I guess having Kevin Hart soaking in it naked last week is the equivalent of
“You break, you buy it.”
And let’s be real, buying a free standing hot tub is probably a good investment for ABC. It was probably done on the advice of their CPA.
You can tell that Ben is totally smitten with Lauren, and to be honest, so am I because she seems cute and normal.
They go to dinner and seem like a for real couple.
They each talk about the love they have for their families, and I can definitely see these two together.
They then get treated to a private concert by somebody I’ve never heard of.
#becauseBACHELOR
Meanwhile, back at the house Caila is crying.
Why? Why is Caila crying?
Well.
She said she’s just beginning to process that “this is kind of a different dating situation”.
Um, HELLO.
Welcome.
NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US CAILA.
Caila, I’m not sure if you took a wrong turn without knowing it, but you are on THE BACHELOR.
She went all super sonic on us and talked in an octave that only dogs could hear.
Still, she’s cute, and I like her.
But if you think she’s upset now, just wait till she finds out that he took another girl to their hot tub.
The group date card arrives.
Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, and Emily
Date Card says: Love is the goal.
That’s right girls, it’s time to play soccer.
Harrison shows up, breaks the girls into teams, and lets them know that the winning team gets to go to an after party with Ben. And the losers will go home.
It’s Stars against Stripes.
And it’s a TWIN OFF because the girls got separated!
Maybe it was just edited this way, but Ben looks like he is totally pulling for the Stars to win for the entire game. Rachel went down with an injury and one of the twins (your guess is as good as mine) was some sort of goalie prodigy.
I’m not even exaggerating when I say she could be the greatest goalie of our time.
#skillz
/cdn0.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/5915373/save.0.png)
Besides our gifted goalie, nobody could really play.
And Rachel was injured…or faked an injury….whatever. Nobody is judging. I can pretty much guarantee that I would fake an injury in a similar situation.
But let me just say, when you combine their soccer hot pants (two points for the wardrobe team on those babies) with Rachel’s position right there, I hope she prepared properly.
The LOSERS headed back to the mansion and Shushanna carried Rachel into the mansion.
Like, by herself. She just cradled her and carried her as if she was holding a toddler.
Me thinks this is part of her Russian descent showing off.
Back to the stripes date with Ben…they are of course on a rooftop.
In a total surprise move (J.K.), Olivia steals him away first.
And in a total B move she takes him up to a hotel room and then on to a balcony that looks down on the other girls and is all “Hi, Girls.“
This is the perfect opportunity for everybody to snicker about her….wait for it….toes.
Apparently Olivia has some funky toes.
One of the twins thinks it’s ridiculous people are talking about her toes, but she does want to put it out there that “Her boobs are fake and her breath is horrible.”
Allrightythen.
In a total B move of her own, Jami feels like she should probably go ahead and tell Olivia what the others are saying about her. She lays it on the line by telling O that all of the girls are talking about her body.
Olivia is like, my calves? My cankles?
And she’s like “nope, your toes.”
And then Olivia nods in agreement and is like “My toes. Yeah, I don’t like my toes.“
Olivia is a gorgeous girl (jury is still out if she’s crazy or if it’s just creative editing), and I know that most of us ladies just wish our toes is what we didn’t like about our bodies!
But I’ve gotta say, now I AM DYING to see her digits.
#showmethetoes
Let me go ahead and take a little time to give a very important public service announcement here.
FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY,
DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT GOOGLING “WEIRD TOES”.
You’ll have trouble sleeping at night.
I’m telling you, you’ll never be the same again.
Ben gives the rose to Amber.
And I know you’re worried about how Olivia is going to handle this.
But don’t worry girls, he pushed off on her leg when he got up so she feels confident that he still loves her. She then claims they have a secret language.
Okay, honey.
Sure you do.
The next 1:1 date card arrives.
Who: Jubilee
What the date card says: Love is in the air.
Jubilee jumps up and practically does a herkie in excitement, winning her no points with the other girls. (In a completely unrelated note, the herkie was my jump of choice as an 8th and 9th grade cheerleader. I did not posses enough flexibility for a good straddle or enough strength for a pike. For the record, I could also do a mean front hurdler and table top…but I digress.)
Ben arrives to pick Jubilee up and she is acting SO WEIRD.
She’s annoyed that he’s late and she let’s him know it, and when asked if she was excited, she was just kinda like…”eh.“
When she sees the helicopter, she asks “Does anyone else want to go on my date?” , and like 18 girls simultaneously raised their hands and shot her a death stare.
Apparently this is breaking all sorts of Bachelor code.
Jubilee says that she is deathly afraid of helicopters.
GIRLS.
WE’VE GONE OVER THIS A THOUSAND TIMES.
When filling out your Bachelor application, when it asks for your fears, I suggest something like this:
I’m seriously fearful of diamonds.
Louis Vuitton makes me cry.
Ball gowns give me nightmares.
Up in the helicopter they go, and they land at a health spa.
Which is ironic, since Jubilee admits that her favorite food is hot dogs.
She is, and I quote, “OBSESSED WITH HOT DOGS.”
That was just the beginning of the FULL ON AWKWARD during their date.
She calls Ben a white boy, spits out her caviar, tells him that he has a fake laugh, and I think at one point she comments on what she’s heard about his anatomy. But I’m not sure. I was confused.
They hop in the pool together, and I’m thinking the black box guy must have been napping, because we saw lots of her hiney.
Now, let’s take a moment to examine the white guy comment a bit further.
When in the hot tub, she explains that she’s glad that he laughed at the “white guy” comment earlier. He says, “I ain’t that white” and then does the thing where he sort of shimmies his shoulders up and down. And while doing so, totally cements his white boy status.
#notthatthere’sanythingwrongwithtthat
But when she makes a joke about his anatomy (at least, that’s what I think happened), this was
his face. It’s like he wasn’t sure if he should be flattered or mortified.
While at dinner, Jubilee opened up and told Ben that not only is she adopted, but she is the only surviving member of her biological family. I felt really sorry for her. You can tell she is kind of a mess (who can blame her), and I’m thinking The Bachelor isn’t the best place for her to be.
He gives her a rose.
Time for the Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony.
It starts out very somber when Ben announces to the girls that two close family friends of his died in a plane crash that day. Poor thing. Can you imagine going through something like that and then having to go to one of these cocktail parties?
In a seriously weird voice (think part baby, part wicked witch) Olivia asked Ben if she could grab him to talk to him. I immediately think (as I’m sure the rest of the world does) that because of the closeness that she feels with Ben that she’s going to take him aside and try to comfort him in his time of need.
Well America, we were wrong.
Olivia pulled him aside, and I’m going to quote her here, because you can’t make this stuff up.
“Everybody has stuff on their body that they wish they could change. And mine, like waist down, I hate my legs. I hate them. People have written blogs that I have cankles. And I’m sorry (and it’s here she starts tearing up)…I try to be strong all the time, but it’s the scariest thing ever.”
Four things:
1) I’d be lying if I said I didn’t panic and scan last weeks recaps to see if I mentioned anything about cankles. I did NOT. Whew.
2)
I’m thinking this has to be some type of creative editing from the producers?
Because I have a hard time believing that she could really be this insensitive.
3)
What exactly is the scariest thing ever?
4)
OLIVIA!
TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND SHOW US THEM TOES!!!!
Jubilee walks up to Ben and his face absolutely lights up. I don’t really get it, but Ben clearly digs this chick! She gives him a massage, and the other girls are TICKED THE FREAK OFF. Ben however said it was “just what he needed.“
But here’s the deal, the girls would not stand for such an egregious breach of Bachelor code because SHE ALREADY HAD A ROSE.
So, Amber took it upon herself to confront Jubilee about her attitude and things the rest of them didn’t appreciate. So, basically, a bunch of catty girls wanted to confront Jubilee (who was orphaned by her entire family that died and then fought in a war) on how it isn’t fair for her to give Ben a massage when she already had a rose.
It suddenly seems silly, doesn’t it Amber?
In a shocking turn of events, Lace takes herself out of the contest race quest for love, and Ben does nothing to try to convince her otherwise. He practically calls her an uber.
But don’t worry girls, this isn’t goodbye forever.
It’s just goodbye for now.
You know we are going to see this one pop up time and again on different bachelor shows.
#goodforratings
Who gets roses:
Lauren H., Amanda (mama), Becca from Prince Farming’s season, Haley (one of the twins), Emily (the other twin), Rachel (soccer injury),
Olivia starts sweating a bit, and I’m like “Hey Olivia, THIS is what a rose ceremony is like.”
Consider yourself aware.
Caila, JoJo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia
Girls going home:
Shushanna, Jami, and Lace
On her exit, Jamie declares “Don’t ever expect anything from humans.”
I think Jamie might be a glass is 1/2 empty kind of gal.
After the rose ceremony and exit interviews we got a sneak peak of next week with the whole crew going to Vegas.
Oh, goodie!
Looks like Olivia has a good old fashioned fake panic attack, but she ups the anti by doing it in a showgirl costume.
#wellplayed
And if you didn’t stay tuned to the very end, you missed what was possibly the best moment of the entire night. While in the hot tub with Lauren B., Ben tooted.
Okay, well maybe he didn’t actually toot (even though I kind of think he might have), but something made a sound and it sounded like he tooted.
I MEAN, HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE?!?
I can think of several instances where my shoe or a chair leg or something made a sound, and then I was all “Um, that was the shoe.” And then you try to recreate the sound…and each time you try to recreate the sound with your shoe and NOTHING happens the people you are with believe you less and less.
Yep, I felt ya Ben.
#beenthere
All right, that’s it for today ladies.
Now let’s admit it, who all googled “weird toes”.
FESS UP!
xoxo,
Sheaffer 🙂
Oh, wait!
I’ve got a couple of outfits for you before you go!
This outfit has the $34 cords in it and a new layered sweater that is currently available.
I didn’t get the sweater because it’s very similar to a Treasure and Bond one I picked up from the anniversary sale, but I thought some of you might be interested in it!
And the scarf keeps going in and out of stock, but maybe you’ll get lucky!
leather wrap watch /similar cognac boots
Size Reference: I’m wearing a small in the sweater and a 4P in the cords. I don’t normally wear a petite in pants, but the regulars in these were very long on me (I’m 5’4″). Readers as tall as 5’10” have said the regular fit worked on them in these cords!
And ya’ll…..THIS sweatshirt.
OH. EM. GEE.
It’s crazy comfy (it’s stupid soft on the inside), light weight, comes in lots of fun colors, and has fantastic reviews!
A reader even had this to say about it on facebook:
I have this sweatshirt in 2 colors and it’s my absolute favorite. It’s so soft and can look dressed up with boots and scarf but it’s really just a comfy sweatshirt. It’s the best. And one version of mine (last years) has pockets!!!! And the length is great too. – Megan B.
sweatshirt / earrings / arrow necklace / similar jeans ON SALE / slim profile UGG boots
For size reference, I’m wearing a small in the shirt (true to size) and a 6 1/2 in the UGG boots (true to size). These boots have been my favorite things to throw on for the last couple of months.
THIS sweater is 40% OFF!
I wore it to the mall last week with distressed jeans and my slim profile UGG boots, but I also think it would be cute dressed up with cognac boots, fun jewelry, and maybe even a gingham shirt under it?!? And how cute would it be for a kid’s Valentine’s Day party?
For size reference, I sized up and got a medium because the small was too tight across the chest. It’s really soft and has great reviews!
I ordered THIS top and just received it yesterday! I ordered this one in a medium as well (I often have trouble with buttons pulling on button up shirts).
I LOVE IT.
Click HERE for the top, it’s 40% OFF too!
I’m thinking it will be cute with blue jeans, grey jeans, and white jeans!
If you know a mom of child with special needs, please take the time to nominate her for the Special Mama Giveaway going on right now! The winner will be announced on Friday!
Erika Slaughter says
My favorite part about a Wednesday is reading this post!! Do your parents have an old video of your her kid circa 8th grade?? I'd love to see!! 🙂
Toni :O) says
Hmmmm, regarding the seat belts, those are really old cars, something tells me they only have lap belts (which you wouldn't see) as shoulder harnesses didn't show up until late 70's early 80's if I'm not mistaken (I'm a kid of the 70's and our cars only had lap belts for a really long time). Regardless, your recaps make watching this show that much more fun as I watch it weekly with my neighbor and it's such a train wreck! Keep up the great work.
Mix and Match Mama says
Hahaha! Your list of "fears" made me laugh out loud!
Narci says
First, that heart sweeter: SO CUTE! Also, so, so funny girl!!! Xoxo
Angela Pino says
Best recap yet! I totally feel you on the hairband issue, it drives me crazy! I want to reach through the TV and give them one (and buckle them up!). I'm glad someone else was as impressed by Susanna carrying Rachel like it was no big deal. You can find my review here.
candice0128 says
I felt like the editing showed Olivia in a bad light. I agree with you that she couldn't have brushed off consoling him about losing special people in his life. I think if she didn't console him in some way & only talked about her flaws, she would be gone.
Holly Sprat says
You had some nice Bachelor material to work with this week, and you did it justice. Well done…so funny! Thanks for starting my day out with a laugh.
Jill B says
This week's episode was so awesome, I was dying to read your recap. Awesome job! Also what color soft sweatshirt did you buy? I can't tell if it's the red one or pink.
Sheaffer says
Hi Jill! Mine is the pink one! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Audrey | Blissfully Bolton | says
#teamlaurenB
Anonymous says
HILARIOUS!!! :))))
She's a big star says
So did you read Ben's blog on People.com?! That field where the hot tub was for him and Lauren was FULL of snakes!! Rattlesnakes!! And Lauren was absolutely freaking out and that's why he carried her to the hot tub… they saw a few of them slither on the path in front of them! NO THANK YOU!! Also, Lace was on the live show after The Bachelor (I forget what it's called) and she said she won't be doing any more Bachelor shows… not sure I believe that one but I did gain a lot of respect for her doing what she did!
Jody E. says
This! OMG…haha… hilarious! "I guess having Kevin Hart soaking in it naked last week is the equivalent of "You break, you buy it."
And let's be real, buying a free standing hot tub is probably a good investment for ABC."
Paige says
When I saw the preview of next week's events and Olivia's panic attack I said out loud- "Oh Sheaffer!" (b/c token panic attack!) and my husband was all like "What are you talking about?" Weird toes- so funny! And no I didn't google- but come on camera man- time to pan down- show us the cankles!
Megan says
This might be your best recap yet!! Loved it. I'm loving Lauren B. She seems normal and sweet…so far. Ha!! And I really really do love that sweatshirt. Maybe I should get another one…or 5.
Susan says
Your recaps are hilarious! Thanks for the recommendation on the slim uggs. I love mine! Favorite winter boots and so comfortable!
JJaz says
This post makes my day! So funny :-),thankful you recap this show!
Jessica Stroud says
I look forward to the recaps every week! I watch this with a friend and on Monday night I looked at her and said.. These girls are crazy. I would tell them I am afraid of Louis Vuitton and the spa! And as I watch the show I think to myself.. I wonder what Sheaffer is thinking (which might be crazy, if I wasn't married I might could go on The Bachelor) – and I will throw it out there, maybe you should do live commentating – would be HILARIOUS and I would be front row. Again crazy but I'm a total #sheafferfangirl when it comes to The Bachelor!
Sarah says
This is your best recap yet! Seriously, so funny! I feel like I could get by skipping an episode of the Bach here and there but I could NOT miss your recaps. I can't wait to see how his season plays out.
Buddy's Mom says
Awesome report; ABC should hire you for a snarky, voice-over recap show!!
Hairband comment resonates with us ponytail gals. I actually checked my wrist when you mentioned it (mine's there; light blue/white squiggly lines)!!
Hanging with the Hirsts says
You kill me every time!!! #showmethetoes #iresistedtheurgetogoogle
T. Cashion says
I think The Bachelor should start paying you a stipend. I would not be watching if it weren't for reading your hilarious recaps!
Anna says
Okay Sheaffer, I have never commented on these but have read them for what seems like forever and I have to say- this is the best one yet. I have been laughing so hard!! Thanks for all the giggles! 🙂
Carissa Howard says
Ok, I love LOVE your recaps!! I just want to comment on the seat belt thing. It's a classic mustang, so it has lap belts. My guess is that they are wearing them you just can't see them.
Cassie {Hi Sugarplum} says
I'm laughing at the 'because Bachelor' It really has become it's own adjective! and also, we have a new hashtag #wellplayed and I have to throw this in, 'because duh' #asyouwere
April says
Thank you. Just thank you. I love when these Bachelor shows start back again. Not only are they a guilty pleasure, but these recaps are the best! I love starting off the day with a good laugh! #nailedit
Claire says
If these girls were even half as worried about Ben as they were about Jubilee's attitude, they would possibly have a chance with him. I wouldn't surprised if Amber goes home next week, trying to mean girl someone is never good, especially doing it in front of the guy you're trying to date. I honestly can't say who I like at this point.
Lori says
Super great recap. Yes, show us your toes Olivia! And yes, we have a 1965 Mustang and no seatbelts required, we have lapbelts. You can add a lap belt, but you wouldn't see it on the show. My husband even checked with our local police station and you cannot be ticketed for not having one. You can be stupid, but by law you don't have to have one.
April Parrish says
Girl, you crack me up!!! Seriously…is it just me or is Olivia's face a little shiny???? Girl needs some make up tips!!!
Anonymous says
My favorite line of the night was from Lace – "like my tattoo says…" Because that's where all quotes come from, right?
Jane says
Hilarious! I'm with you on the small planes – my one and only trip in one was vomitous maximous:(
Btw, I live in Austin and don't once ever remember seeing Olivia on TV.
Christine says
I look forward to your recaps as much as the show itself! And you are the reason for my new fave tote by Barrington! …,,it is very possible I misheard one of the girls but It seems a line made for you: "awko taco" instead of awkward?!
Hannah Hardy says
Baahhaha that jacuzzi comment! Poor Calila, if she only knew! ? I'm calling it, I say Lauren B is the winner. #nicestcoupletoeverlive #barbieandken
Kristin says
Your recaps are the best! #SHOWMETHETOES is one of the funniest things I have heard online about this week's episode. I am kind of sad Lace is gone but definitely hope she pops back.
Interesting question for you….do you see any of these girls from this season becoming the next Bachelorette? I mean, Ben was picked from Kaitlyn's season, Kaitlyn from Prince Farming, Prince Farming from Andi, etc. I would LOVE to hear your opinion!
Anonymous says
Not to sound redundant, but you are so funny! Can't get over the description of tooting, then moving the chair to re create the sound. Bahahaha! Been there
Kelly says
I think this recaps is one of my favorites! I will not google weird toes, but they definitely need to find a way to show how weird hers are! lol Glad Ben and Jub. are connecting…but I just don't see it!
Gwyn G says
I confess…. I googled weird toes. #itsnotpretty. Please, please Sheaffer, think about live Tweeting during these shows. Your recaps are the best and live tweets from you would be icing!
Kristen says
Sheaffer, I am almost getting to the point of being able to start a blog called "Sheaffer Told Me To". In addition to the shopping help, I absolutely love your recaps. I was dying to see the toes! She is interesting to say the least! Thanks!
Sweet Home Colorado says
Even if they had a hair tie they wouldn't use it…they are TRYING so hard to be sexy and care free even though they are dying inside for a hair band! Ha!
Whitney P says
Great recap! I like Jubilee though. They need some diversity on that show. The statistics are staggering.
maureen says
OMG!! I totally agree! My daughters and I LOVE Jubilee! She was awesome!! Two of my daughters are AA and when he showed up late for the date my oldest daughter (16) said, "oh no you didn't!! He better start apologizing big right now!!" She was shocked when the other girls made a big deal about her attitude! So here's the thing, unfortunately we have become used to the "oh-please-pick-me, I'll be anything you want me to be" attitude of the women on The Bachelor!! I think it is refreshing to see a woman of any color act like she knows her worth!! I am pretty sure Jubilee will not be on the show much longer, just calling it like I know it is, but for now we are #TeamJubilee!!
Cristina Pennington says
And don't forget after Olivia got her rose he grabbed her hip to her her know he loves her because that's part of their secret love language �� I love love love Lauren B and not exactly sure how to feel about Jubilee
angie says
Did you read Ben's People Blog this week about the date w/ Lauren B and walking through that field and hearing rattles, then realizing there were rattle snakes?!?! RATTLE. SNAKES?!!?! What in the world!?!?! Said he gave her a piggy back ride to the hot tub. What if one was in there??????????? AHHHHHHHH
Lesley says
Do you listen to podcasts? There's a great one recapping/discussing The Bachelor called Bachelor Pad on the Channel 33 podcast channel. This week, the host, Juliet, had Ben himself as her guest and he was hilarious!
yaya16100 says
LOL at your list of fears! That's hands down my favorite part.