Sheaffer Told Me To

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The Bachelor Episode 1 Recap: A Miniature Horse, a Unicorn, and a Russian Walk Into a Mansion…..

By 81 Comments

Well, after a long break, IT’S GO TIME LADIES!
It’s BEN too long.
Get it?  🙂
For those of you that are new here, I’ve been doing Bachelor Recaps since Emily Maynard’s season because that’s when Sean was on…and Sean is one of my besties‘ brothers!
Click HERE if you want to scroll through some of my Bachelor recaps of yesteryear.
Click HERE to scroll through old Bachelorette recaps.

So this year we get to follow sweet Ben on his journey to true love.
Let’s take a moment to walk down memory lane and refresh ourselves on who Ben is.
Ben is the guy from Kaitlyn’s season who feared he was unlovable.
Bless his heart.

If you recall, I referred to him as Peter.
Because this.
Homebody looks EXACTLY like Peter Brady.

And just fyi, when I went back to my old post to grab the above picture, I saw that I had written the following:
“But here’s the deal, the “I fear that I’m unlovable” line might have just clinched a spot for possible next  Bachelor material.”
#icalledit

Now, if you remember, Shay and I went to the Men Tell All HERE and I got to see Peter in person.

And if he hadn’t already been picked as the new bachelor then,  his “aw, shucks” demeanor at The Men Tell All taping surely clinched his role as leading man.
So…..WHO IS BEN?

Ben is 26 and from Indiana.
He’s looking for love.
And most importantly, he’s AS CUTE AS A BUTTON.
He takes us on a little tour of his hometown where he was Mr. Everything and he still likes to go back and visit his teachers.
#cuetheoohsandahs
His biggest fear is being alone.
(Sidenote:  my biggest fear is happening right now because just yesterday I started my journey to swimsuit season.  Yes, again.  Sigh.)

Chris, Sean, and Jason come to sit down and have a conversation with Ben.
And I mean this in the nicest way possible, but was Jason this geeky when he was the bachelor?
#mentors

Now it’s time to do the hometown introductions with a handful of women.
Lauren’s the first girl we meet, she’s a flight attendant, and I want her body.
I like her, I think she’ll go far.

Caila is adorable and seems like the perfect girl to take home to mom.
However, she admits right off the bat that she broke up with her boyfriend after just seeing Ben on t.v.  She might be a little off her rocker, but only time will tell.

I’m scared of Jubilee.

But Mandy the dentist scares me more than Jubilee.  She seems certifiable.

But the level of annoyance radiating from these two scares me the most.
#quittalkinginunison
#quitplayingpattycake
#quitholdinghands
#quitthinkingyou’rethedoubleminttwins

Next we meet Amanda, a single mom of 2 kids.  That’s right, TWO!
A contestant with 1 kid is soooo 2014.

And then we meet Tara. Tara is a “Chicken Enthusiast”.  That’s a direct quote.
That chicken on her shoulder?  Well, her name is Sheila.
And that’s all I have to say about that.

On further thought, I guess it’s good to be passionate about something.

Are you ready ladies?
It’s time to wet down the driveway for the Parade O’ Crazy!!!!

The first limo pulled up, and first out is Lauren, the flight attendant.
She seems genuinely sweet.  She gives him some wings to symbolize the journey, and I like that she’s memorable but not over the top corny.

Caila is out next, and she takes a running start and leaps into his arms.
Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to straddle him?
Sequined dress be damned, straddle the bachelor Caila!
#rookie

Now THIS is how it’s done.

Jubilee steps out of the limo in a dress cut down to her belly button.
She tries out a pick up line on him, except it’s more like a pick up thesis.
Less is more, Jubilee.

Lace steps out of the limo and gives him his first kiss.
And I don’t know if I mentioned this, but her name is LACE.
And she’s wearing lace.
And spoiler alert: Ben should probably go out and buy some mace.

Sushanna shows up and speaks to him in Russian.
Does she even speak English?

Then Emma Stone got out of the limo!
I loved her in The Help.

Leah hops out of the limo in a  sparkly dress that looks like it might be from the costume department at Dancing With The Stars.  She leans over, pulls her dress between her legs, and hikes the football to him.
 NO M’AM.

And then a unicorn gets out of the car.
It was magical.
Except the opposite of that.

Lauren is a kindergarten teacher and introduces herself to Ben buy throwing him a bouquet that she herself caught at a wedding she went to last week.
And all I can think about is the fact that she has a classroom full of kinder baby parents that are watching.  I hope she keeps her school’s code of conduct in mind.
#yourprincipaliswatching

Then the scary dentist gets out of the limo with a big flower on her head and makes a joke about getting pollinated.
Listen here Missy…Ben is not going to be pollinating any flowers just yet.

Then the twins emerged from the limo.
#twintestants
And according to the intern who writes the names, ages, and occupations on the screen,
 apparently being twins IS THEIR JOB.

Maegan moseys up to the corral with a miniature horse.
And we all know that this cowgirl doesn’t stand a chance.
#don’ttakeoffyourbootsMaegan

And stop me if you’ve heard this one, but a pair of twins, a russian, a unicorn, and a miniature horse head into a mansion…..

Breanne bounds up to Ben.  She has a picnic basket and starts spouting rhetoric about how gluten is the devil.  They destroy all of the baguettes in her basket.
Uh huh….yeah…go ahead and pass me the baguettes Breanne.
#ilovegluten

Isabel emerges in a onesie…because get this, she wants to find out if “he’s the onesie for her.”
Spoiler Alert:  He’s not.

Rachel shows up on a hover board, and the mom in me came out because I found myself strangely panicked that she was going to either fall off and break her coccyx or spontaneously
 burst into flames.
Safety first Rachel.

The Chicken Enthusiast arrives and seems strangely normal!
WHY IN THE WORLD DOESN’T SHE HAVE ONE OF HER CHICKENS?
#poorSheila

I’m starting to lose a bit of interest at this point, so the next several girls get bullet points.
*Lauren is a fashion buyer and she’s gorg.
*Jackie is a Geronologist.  Whatever the heck that is.
*Olivia is a news anchor.
There were some others along the way, but I was distracted.

And then Harrison slides in and totally tells a “….walks into a bar” joke.
#dang
#ithoughtiwassoclever

So here’s Ben with his crazy lot of ladies.

And there is all sorts of  squealing when he enters the room.

He barely has a word out when the crazy dentist stole him away because apparently he is due for his semi-annual oral exam.
She checks his teeth, she checks his gums…..

and then she finishes up the appointment by sticking her tongue down his throat.

It reminds me of this Friend’s episode.

***********************************
Cut back to the wet driveway…
Amber and Bekkah (both on Chris Soules’ season) get out of a limo.
Amber says “like” around 2,300 times.
We all know Becca…and I know that I’m supposed to know Amber, but I don’t.

And this is how the other ladies feel about Amber and Becca joining the show.

So this is Olivia, and she is telling Ben how she left her news anchor job to come and find love.
Two things:
1)  NO PRESSURE Ben. But she left her awesome job so she can marry you.
2)  Don’t play Olivia.  We all know you are just trying to get a co-hosting gig on E News.

Ben sits down with the twintestants….and I have a flash…
Could the Bachelor puppeteers please please PLEASE make these girls go on a 2:1 date?!?
I mean, that would be horrible.  And AWESOME.

Lace tries to talk Ben into kissing her (at least I think that’s what she is trying to do, because I don’t understand at least 90% of what she says…OPEN YOUR MOUTH WOMAN!), and then the crazy dentist comes back to steal him away again.

Lace is TICKED OFF, but when Ben comes to find her afterwards to give her some attention, she lets us know that she enjoys that by cocking her head to the side and licking her teeth.
Which is the universal sign for I think he likes me.

Harrison comes in and drops off a rose.
And everybody starts freaking the freak out.
Ben walks in just a bit later to get it, and gives it to the future host of E News Weekend.
So now she has a rose.  And a target on her back.

Lace starts telling people how angry she is because Ben hasn’t even looked at her.
She said she wants her mommy, and I want mine too, because this face terrifies me.
I’m thinking that Lace is this season’s Kelsey.

Who gets roses:
Lauren B (flight attendant), L.B. (fashion buyer), Caila (girl who left her boyfriend), Amber (bartender from Soules’ season), Jamie (Canadian girl), Jennifer, Jubilee (war veteran), Amanda (mother of two),  JoJo (unicorn head), Leah, Rachel (hoverboard chick), Samantha, Jackie, Haley (one of the twins), Emily (the other twin), Shoshanna (the Russian princess), Lauren H (kn teacher), Becca (from Soules’ season), Mandy (the CUCKOO DENTIST!  WHAT?), Lace (HUH????????)

Who goes home:
The Chicken Enthusiast
The Mini Horse Lady
Emma Stone
girl in a onesie
Gerontologist that gave him a save the date card
The Lady That Hates Gluten

I bet you money that the chick that hates gluten got in the limo and ate some saltines, a couple of hamburger buns, and ordered a pizza.

And just when you think Harrison is going to run the sneak peaks of crazy we are going to get to see  throughout the season….
Crazy Lace calls Ben aside and expresses her concern with him that he didn’t make eye contact with her.  And this is how Ben (and the rest of the world) feels about it.

So that’s it for the Season Premier!!!!!
What did you girls think?
Who are your favorites?
Sound off in the comments!

xoxo,
Sheaffer 🙂

OH WAIT!
Before you go, I made a new collage last night of 
items STILL ON SALE!
I love a layered sweater with jeans and booties and there are some amazing deals!
layered sweater pink earrings / bar pendant / kate spade watch
tomboy skinny jeans / suede bootie
  foldover bag / tote / hobo bag

If you noticed in the above collage, the bar pendant is BACK IN STOCK!
Here I am in it in case you want to see how it looks in an actual outfit!
similar boyfriend cardi ON SALE / similar white tee / similar jeans ON SALE/ similar shoreline converse



And I made this collage for facebook over the weekend, 
and everything is still on sale!!!  
boyfriend cardigan / blouse / jeans / earrings sold out 🙁 / necklace /  tote / bracelet / flats

HAVE A GREAT DAY LADIES!!!!!

Filed Under: The Bachelor 81 Comments

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Comments

  2. Charming Lucy says

    I was able to watch about two minutes of this show – it was when Lace was on. I am sure that my husband and daughter would love this mess! How can I talk them into watching it?! Oh – I have two of those totes for myself and I just ordered three more for Mother's Day gifts! Love them! And I think I am ordering the jeans today(: Thanks! Susan

    Reply

  4. Erika Slaughter says

    I've seen her countless times, but Virgin in a Bottle gets me. Every time. And I wish you never had to eat or sleep because I would enjoy a recap like this every day. 🙂

    Reply

  6. Mix and Match Mama says

    Oh Sheaffer, Sheaffer, Sheaffer, Sheaffer…this season is going to be freaking fabulous! I haven't been this excited about a Bachelor season since Sean's!

    Reply

  8. kmorgan1514 says

    Since Monday night I have been looking forward to reading your post! I think "Flower Child" is just a little off, and that Ben is going to have his hands full with Lace! Cant wait for next week! This season is going to be great, and not just because he is a fellow Hoosier!

    Reply

  9. Leigh (Balancing By Faith) says

    LOL….I am not watching this season — just coming here for the weekly breakdown. Hilarious!!

    Reply

  10. dresselfamily.blogspot.com says

    Oh I'm so glad your re caps are back.. Why, please, for the love….have none of these girls seen prior seasons were they not hiding behind a pillow when girls got out of their limos wearing ridiculous things.. please girls. . Keep it classy.. I'm half laughing half mortified more then. . For the love!!
    Lace scared me half to death.. sleep with one open girls… and Ben too!
    I really liked Emma Stone, maybe it's because I'm a red head too #redheadssticktogether… it's gonna be a doozy of a season!!

    Reply

    • Ashley says

      Another fellow redhead here who was sad to see her go. She also got a fist bump from me for her lip color. I'd love to know what shade she was wearing.

      Reply

  11. Heather Forcey says

    I just about fell over when I saw Chicken Enthusiast as an occupation! At the moment, I like Caila, Olivia and the flight attendant.

    Reply

  12. Bethany says

    I was sitting on the edge of my seat, praying that he would choose Emma Stone over Lace. What the H!? But really, i like the flight attendant. Favorite line of the night "50 shades of crazyyyyy" It's going to be a good one!

    Reply

  13. Jonella says

    I haven't watched this show since the season of Bachelor Jason (I still don't like him, lol). I discovered your awesome blog last season and your recaps prompted me to watch Monday night. I have been sucked right back in and can't wait until next week's episode!

    Reply

  14. Anonymous says

    Thanks for letting us know the necklace was back in stock. I was bummed to miss it last time. Now its on the way to my house!
    Lisa G., McKinney,TX

    Reply

  16. Amber Reese says

    The speech therapist in me wanted Lace to open her mouth and enunciate! I love Bekkah but I still can't tell if she truly wants to be there for Ben or they just asked her on to spice things up. Also, when news anchor girl said she left her job to be there I thought, "don't most people do that??" That is, if you have a job and your "job" isn't being a twin. Thanks for another fun recap!

    Reply

  17. Megan says

    I think they did a good job of actually making this seadon's preview look like its going to be good! I mean they need a little redemption after the last 2!! So yay!!! I'm actually excited to watch it! Better not disappoint Ben!!

    Reply

  19. Anonymous says

    Hallelujah, recaps are back! I just love reading them, they are the best way to start Wednesday mornings!

    Reply

  20. kristen bassett says

    Shaeffer, you have to look carefully at the dentist next episode…she is a spitting image of Caitlyn Jenner! xo

    Reply

  22. Anonymous says

    I'm new to your blog and have never actually seen an episode of The Bachelor or Bachlorette – sheltered life, right? 😉 Anyway, your recap was awesome! I started to think that maybe I needed to start watching but then thought, why? This recap is hysterical and on point. What more do I need?? Awesome!! Can't wait for next week!

    Reply

  25. Lori says

    Thanks Shaeffer! Let the countdown begin till the first straddle! Also, aren't you way too young to remember Doublemint commercials? #iamoldandwatchtheshowwithmydaughter Love you, your blog and your instagram! #shaefferscoreatouchdown and not in an evening gown!

    Reply

  26. Cassie {Hi Sugarplum} says

    Oh yippee, I love love love these posts! Your recaps are worlds better than actually watching the show…thanks for taking one for the team!

    Reply

  28. Kristin Stewart says

    The needed subtitles for Lace. I couldn't understand her at all!
    The aftershow was really good. I don't have an extra hour to give but thankful for DVR and fast forwarding. I like the casual atmosphere of it.
    Do you listend to The Popcast podcast? They did a hilarious podcast commenting on the girls based on their bios online before the show even aired. They pretty much nailed it based on those! Without little ears around, I think you would not regret the hour you spend to listen.

    Reply

  30. Unknown says

    I absolutely love your recaps! So, so, so funny! I have followed your blog for the last couple of seasons but I recently found out that you are a Speech Therapist. I am majoring in speech therapy and I LOVE it!

    Reply

  31. Amy Dixon says

    Whenever someone asks me if I watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette I tell them I read it 😉 Love your recaps, thanks!
    And do you ever wear those vigoss jeans with boots? I'm thinking about getting a smaller pair (that won't get stretched out and loose) so I can wear them with everything!

    Reply

  33. Little Bits of Joy Blog says

    Oh this season is going to be so good! Definitely love Lauren the flight attendant, and I like Olivia… just because she's got something up her sleeve and she's going to BRING IT. 🙂

    Reply

  35. Kaylee Steiner says

    Hilarious as always! And when I saw the news anchor girl Olivia talking on the season premiere, I couldn't figure out who she reminded me of. Then it came to. She's like a blonde version of Andi (former Bachelorette). And now that's all I see. Is Andi. With a blonde wig.
    Anyways, Thanks for the recap!!!

    Reply

  37. Angela Pino says

    Loved your recap, Sheaffer! I was underwhelmed by the girls this season, but I'm sure they'll grow on me. I shared my recap today, too!

    Angela @ Top Knots and Curly Locks

    Reply

  39. Jamie Allen says

    all i have to say is you are so hysterical and your recaps are going to be the highlight of my weeks up until the last rose. i'm begging people to read your recaps even if they aren't bachelor watchers. i checked the spoilers for the first time during sean and catherine's season. i LOVED it because i could watch them as their relationship grew. do you hear my heart pitterpattering? DON'T WORRY i won't spoil anything for this season but {i know}. what keeps YOU from reading the spoilers? the surprise? thank you SO MUCH for your humor, your talent for writing and just…your entire cute love it blog.

    Reply

  40. Love on the Lake says

    Hilarious! I think ABC MUST have made him keep Lace and Deranged Dentist around for TV value? I know Sean said in his book that the choices are all his but, really? I highly doubt Ben really wanted to keep Miss Little Drama and Rose Hat Hygienist. #CrayCray Also, I too am a Taco Enthusiast!
    ~ LOTL

    Reply

  41. Megan Johnson says

    Love the recap!! You should take a picture of Ben's face when Becca walks in the room for the first time. #classic #giddyschoolboy
    I'm sure that picture can be reused such as Ashley I-lash's

    Reply

  43. Misty Schoephoerster says

    Isn't a gerontologist someone who works with the elderly?
    I like Cinderalla so far (Lauren B.). She was the one in the light blue dress right?
    I think Olivia will make it far. Possibly last 3.
    Thats my predictions 🙂

    Reply

  44. Liz/ says

    I am SO over the moon happy you are doing these recaps again…..WAY better than the show itself but I still watch. It's gonna be a crazy season!

    Reply

  46. Beautifully Seaside // Formerly Chic Coastal Living says

    I'm so glad the new season started! I haven't had a chance to see it yet so hopefully I will this weekend after I carve out some time. You're recaps are so funny! XOXO

    Reply

  47. Jennifer McNemar says

    Olivia is Janice, the lead guitar player in Electric Mayhem on the Muppets! Seriously, I couldn't stop picturing this!! Google it!

    Reply

  49. Allison says

    I love your recaps, thanks so much for continuing them! I just know you will come up with some funny nicknames for the girls this season!

    Reply

  51. Bri Bliss says

    First, The Bachelor makes for the best treadmill entertainment ever. Second, my mom has the Phase 3 purse in your collage & I've borrowed it multiple times. I absolutely love it & just ordered a tan one for myself!

    Reply

  52. Meredith says

    Love your blog! This time last year you were gearing up for your annual weight loss..are you going to talk about that and if you were able to not need to do that this year, or some workout gear suggestions for those of us that need to start a work out routine with new Nordstrom Zella/Nike inspiration….thanks!!!

    Reply

    • Sheaffer says

      Hi Meredith! I actually have already started. I'm pretty much right in the same boat as I was last year! UGH! I'm not going to be posting about it this year though because it took too much extra time! Hopefully you'll start seeing the results though! 🙂

      Reply

  53. KRISTIN TATE says

    I will never stop laughing when I see you've thrown "Virgin in a bottles'" sideways face in the mix. It tickles me!

    Reply

  56. Natalie says

    Watching the bachelor ridiculousness is awesome, but your recaps are the cherry on top! Too funny! Thanks for "putting yourself out there". Ha ha!

    Reply

  57. Katie says

    This is amazing. Thank you so much for doing this!! I also think Lace is so much like the Tiara of Sean's season!

    Reply

  58. JJaz says

    I love everything about this recap! I don't understand some of their occupations, either. Spot on, on all of the girls. Keep doing what you do! Love ?????

    Reply

  59. Anonymous says

    I think I'll just read your re-caps instead of watching…that was the best and most entertaining re-cap on a Bachelor episode that I've ever read. Lol.

    Reply

  61. Jenna says

    I'm shocked you let the fact that Emma Stone called herself "Red Velvet" go without a hilarious hashtag! Love these recaps!!

    Reply

  62. emily says

    I'm pretty sure Ben loves gluten too and the "gluten is the devil" comment was her death sentence! #iloveglutentoo

    Reply

  63. Hannah Hardy says

    Finally was able to catch up on episode 1 last night… Your recaps are always SO on point �� I was shocked he kept crazy dentist! The flight attendant is at the top of my list, and poor Ben needs to just go ahead and send Lace on her way! (Or maybe not, she will clearly keep it entertaining)! Looking forward to future recaps!

    Reply

  65. Foxy's Domestic Side says

    I don't watch the show because I don't have time, but I know I"m going to get a great recap from you, so I don't even try any more. 🙂 Thanks for the awesomely funny recap!

    Reply

  66. kristen g. says

    Love your recaps! If you haven't already seen it, look at the dentists audition tape on YouTube. She is crazy and hysterical and definitely not looking for love–she's looking for her own reality show.

    Reply

  67. Anonymous says

    I think the girl with the rose on her head looks just like Madonna! She would've been good with that weird guy from Kaitlyn's season who always talked about his aura and left the sumo wrestling date. Those creepy twins were on 2 seasons of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the team (they didn't make the team). I'm hoping Lace's actual name is Lacey and she shortened it up to try and sound "sexy". Hopefully Peter Brady kicks her off soon!

    Reply

  69. Kim says

    My all time favorite hashtag – #yourprincipaliswatching. Hilarious!! Yes, I'm a principal and I love the bachelor!

    Reply

  70. Diana Kach says

    You literally take the words right out of my mouth… Then add amazing photos to go along. Only thing you missed was Jason's unfortunate pit stains when saying good bye to Ben-awkward ABC. I feel like I would enjoy watching this show with you #samebrain

    Reply

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