get caught up quickly by clicking HERE!
Now let’s dive right in.
With Nick crashing the party and walking into the hotel room to meet the other boys.
He was just about as welcome as Krispy Kremes at a Weight Watcher’s convention.
For the record, I have no idea where I got that.
And Nick apparently decided his Member’s Only jacket would be the best way to make a first impression.
#itwasanoddchoice
This is the scene.
Nick on one side of the room, 13 guys on the other.
And in case you can’t tell by the look of things, not one of them is a fan.
They all start firing questions at Nick about his intentions, about what they’ve read in the tabloids, and about his recent time spent with Andi,
Gosling even gave him the ol’ Tierra eyebrow.
They all seem to be SUPER possessive of Andi.
But not really in a sweet way.
Rather, in a weird please don’t tee tee on her to mark your territory way.
And then Nick says something seemingly benign.
Joshua takes issue with that.
He’s all “Do you think she’s a cool chick, or do you think she’s an amazing woman?”
#ohplease
#comeon
I’m not a huge Nick fan (although he is growing on me), but we’re talking Potato Potahto dude.
Cool Chick. Amazing Woman. Same Diff.
And I’m sorry, but this coming from the guy with one blue sleeve?
Please.
They head to the cocktail party/rose ceremony that’s at Citi Field.
That’s the home of the Mets.
So I’m told.
JJ takes her on the field, picks her up, and runs the bases with her.
Good idea JJ.
Everybody knows that is the only way you are ever getting to 2nd base with Kaitlyn.
#ZING
Gosling is an emotional guy, and he’s having a hard time processing this whole Nick thing.
Come on Ryan. Lotion up your abs and deal with it.
America wants you to stay.
And participate in lots more pool scenes, hot tub scenes, and obligatory getting dressed scenes in the next several weeks. Let’s keep in mind what’s important here.
She brings all the boys out to the field to hand out the roses.
Who is going home?
Ryan (not Gosling)
Jonathon
Corey with an “e”
And that’s fine by me, because I don’t know who any of those guys are.
Bye boys.
And yes. Nick got a rose. Duh.
Kaitlyn announces with great excitement (pshhhh) that their next stop is San Antonio, TX.
#bringonthesombreros
#andtheguac
#ole
The guys arrive in San Antonio and head straight to their hotel.
And this is neither here nor there, but when they pan the room, I see Nick, and it
seems he is wearing a FitBit!
Nick is probably thinking “No telling how many steps I will get walking down the Riverwalk.”
Because I’m telling you, that’s how FitBit people think.
How do I know?
Because Chris is now one of those people.
#helpme
The Date Card arrives.
Who: Peter Brady
What it Says: Let’s take our love one step at a time.
Peter throws on his flannel, because #wheninTexas , and they hop in a vintage truck and head to Gruene Hall! I’ve been to Gruene Hall, and it’s tons of fun. And purely FYI, I also almost died while floating the river that goes right by the Hall. But that’s a story for another time.
Actually, here’s the short version:
Since you aren’t aloud to have glass bottles on the river, I had put Zima in water bottles.
I know. Classy.
Well, after being jostled on the river and building up lots AND LOTS of carbonated pressure inside the water bottle, I went to open one of the bottles for a nice refreshing drink….
but much to my dismay…..
the water bottle cap flew off the bottle with super sonic speed.
I kid you not.
It sounded like a gun shot, and the cap flew off and hit me in the face.
I started bawling.
It hurt.
And let’s be honest, the tears were due to both pain and terror. And maybe a little humiliation.
It’s scary when you get shot, even if it is just with a plastic bottle cap. 😉
The right side of my face didn’t have feeling in it for weeks.
FOR WEEKS.
Not one of my proudest moments.
#sorrydad
But I digress.
Back to the show.
Gruene Hall is the oldest dance hall in all of Texas, and they are going to be entering a two stepping competition.
#slowslowquickquickslow
They introduce the judges, and that’s the moment that America falls in love with Betty Joe.
Betty Joe is on the National Two-Stepping Council.
Yes, apparently that’s a real thing.
Betty Joe talked to us about how love is a lot like dancing.
We saw that coming a mile away Betty Joe.
Prior seasons have taught us that love is also like bungee jumping.
And canoeing through a cave.
And repelling off of a building.
And unlocking a secret code before you get asphyxiated by gas.
Peter dances okay, looks like he’s having a lot of fun, dips her, and wins our hearts in the process.
Our happy couple got tapped out of the competition after a couple of rounds, but if you ask me, there is no denying they are good together!
I heart Peter.
They head to a rooftop dinner somewhere, because BACHELORETTE, and they continue to hit it off. Peter must be totally stoked to take her home to meet Mike and Carol.
And Alice.
#gregisgoingtobesojealous
Peter gets a rose.
The next date card arrives.
Who: Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua, and Nick
What it says: I love a man in uniform.
I’ll tell you what you don’t expect when you are thinking of a man in uniform…..
a man in a Mariachi band.
But that’s exactly what we all got.
And I’m telling you, this 12 year old lead Mariachi band singer KILLED IT.
He’s a total pimp.
Let’s start campaigning for this little dude to be the Bachelor in 2031.
This pint size heartbreaker sings Cieleto Lindo.
Which purely fyi, is one of the only things I remember from 2 full years of Spanish.
That, and Pasamelos papelas por vavor.
#pleasepassyourpapersforward
#ithinkthat’swhatitmeansanyway
#ihavenoideahowtoactuallyspellit
The guys got suited up, and I totally lol’d.
I mean, come on. This is funny.
You get a sombrero! YOU get a sombrero! YOU get a sombrero!
Most of the guys are no good and there’s nothing really to talk about, but we need to take note of 3 guys in particular.
1)
Kentucky Joe asks her to “Mariachi him”.
Very clever.
2)
Ian talked a BIG GAME and was FIRED UP about winning over Kaitlyn’s heart during this Mariachi challenge.
He talked about having smarts..and muscle..and a heart…and a voice….
It sounds like the only thing he’s missing is a little bit of a humility.
Well, he got up and CHOKED.
It was painful.
But I for one loved every second of it.
#putuporshutupian
And it was here that he started campaigning for JJ’s crown for Biggest Jackwagon Of The Show.
Mark my words, Ian will usurp the crown before the show’s end.
Nick then decides to one up all the other guys and asks to take her up to the balcony to serenade her.
AND OH MY.
He COMMITTED to the role of Mariachi singer.
Was he good?
HECK NO.
Was he awesome?
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
He could have left a word or two out for my taste (no need to try to rhyme the word “connection” ifyouknowwhatimean), but he owned it.
Time for the cocktail portion of the group date.
Joshua takes Kaitlyn aside first because he has this “great” idea to let Kaitlyn cut his hair.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
The clippers failed her.
And him.
And he ended up with a half mohawk.
Which isn’t a good look for Joshua.
So, here’s what we know about Josh up to this point.
He has a bad mohawk.
And he has male intuition.
How do we know he has it?
Because he keeps telling us about it.
Bless his heart.
Nick takes Kaitlyn off next and decides making out with her is a better way to get close to her than letting her cut his hair.
If Kaitlyn and her tongue could come up for air, I am sure she would agree.
And then Joshua takes Kaitlyn aside. Again.
And this time he breaks Bachelor protocol.
Have you NEVER watched a previous season Joshua?!?
He tattle tales on Nick saying that he’s not there for the right reasons.
He also says that all the guys agree that Nick’s there for the wrong reasons and that nobody likes him.
Well, Kaitlyn is aghast.
Why has nobody else told her this? (Probably because they HAVE watched other seasons.)
Was everybody lying to her?
She simply WILL NOT STAND for the dishonesty.
#calmdownKaitlyn
She marches back in to all of the other guys and totally throws Joshua under the bus.
She announces that Joshua has told her that none of them like Nick.
And you know what they all said.
NOTHING.
Not a word.
Joshua looked like an idiot, and I actually felt sorry for him.
And that’s when Kaitlyn gave everybody the proverbial middle finger by giving Nick the rose.
The next 1:1 Date Card.
Who: Ryan Gosling (Shawn)
What it says: I must have missed this. I have no idea what it said.
Probably something like “Let’s paddle our way into each other’s hearts.”
They kayak down the Riverwalk.
And make no mistake about it, when brainstorming dates, the producers sat around the table and said things like “I don’t care what kind of date she goes on with Shawn, but he must be in a swimsuit.”
And then they make out on the Riverwalk.
And then, that night, Ryan straight up says “I’m falling in love with you.”
#whoah
#mrgosling
And then very quietly, Kaitlyn whispers “I feel the same way.”
WHAT?
Now THIS is unprecedented.
Why in the world did the editing team let this make the cut?
I feel like they are just playing us.
Now it’s time for the start of the final cocktail party this week.
I say “start” because we’ve now all grown accustomed to the fact that there is always going to be a “To Be Continued…” at the end of every episode.
DANG YOU ABC.
It kicks off with Joshua crying and lamenting about his choice to talk to her about Nick.
And I really did feel awful for the guy.
I wanted to hug him and take him to Super Cuts.
Here’s all you need to know about the end of the show.
Ian surpasses JJ by leaps and bounds and is now
THE BIGGEST JACKWAGON IN ALL THE LAND.
He is saying things like:
Against all of my logic, Kaitlyn doesn’t want me.
I’m a Princeton graduate.
And a former model.
And I defied death.
And Kaitlyn’s not 1/2 as hot as my last girlfriend.
I came here expecting to meet the girl who had her heart broken by Chris Soules, not the girl who wanted to have her field plowed.
I’m an enigma.
In my real life I meet lots of chicks and have lots of sex.
Well, Okay then Ian.
And my favorite…….
I can be the next Bachelor.
No.
No you can’t.
You CAN however be THE BIGGEST JACKWAGON IN ALL THE LAND.
Congratulations.
And this was Kaitlyn’s initial reaction to Ian’s monologue.
And that’s when
TO BE CONTINUED…….
popped up on the screen..
Let’s all say it together now
DANG YOU ABC!!!!!!!
Fingers crossed she pulls an Emily.
Does everybody remember this moment?
#epic
So that’s it for the official recap.
Now let’s talk clothes for a minute.
Twice in this episode Kaitlyn was wearing fringe (a black fringe dress and a tan fringe skirt), and now I have fringe on the brain.
First of all, somebody needs to tell me where Kaitlyn’s fringe dress is from, because DARLING.
She managed to pull off a fringe without looking like a flapper, and now I have to figure out where I can go and wear a fringe dress.
Check out THIS one. Sadly, only Medium and Large are left. 🙁
Since I had fringe on the brain, I looked for some more fringe-y items.
And I know I don’t have to tell y’all this, but FRINGE IS IN.
#somebodyputthatonat-shirt
#orapillow
#oradoffeemug
And in other news, on Monday’s post you got to see what I wore to a wedding a couple of weeks ago. When I first posted Monday morning, I thought the dress was sold out and I couldn’t find it anywhere! But then some readers found it!
If you read the blog early on Monday, I wanted to make sure you knew about it!
Click HERE for the exact dress that is NOW ON SALE for $79.99!
nude patent heels HERE / clutch HERE / earrings HERE
And one of my favorite readers (Hi Kathryn!) found THIS awesome sleeveless option (by the same maker!) at Nordstrom Rack!
And it’s only $59.97!
(While online at Rack, I also found THESE pair of Jagger Vigoss jeans 40% OFF and THIS pair of Zella capri leggings for right at $25!!!)
Several of you commented that you loved my turquoise lace dress, but that it would be too short for you. Well, THIS dress arrived on my doorstep yesterday! (I ordered 6 dresses to try on in hopes of finding 1 for the Men Tell All taping!)
This is the only one that’s arrived so far, but I thought it might be fun to show all of them to you, and then possibly even take a vote at the end on what I should wear!
Click HERE for Men Tell All Choice #1,
this print jersey halter dress.
I love the colors, the pattern, the halter neckline, and the overall fit. I also loved the $138 price tag.
The only thing I don’t love about it is the length.
Right or wrong, I like my dresses short. 🙂
BUT.
For you taller girls, this could be a fantastic dress for an upcoming event!
For size reference, I’m wearing a small, and I’m almost 5’4″.
dress HERE / nude patent heels HERE
A HUGE thank you to Shannon (a super smart reader!) who found the earrings ON SUPER SALE HERE for only $35!!!! Thank you Shannon!
Thanks for stopping by today girls!
Please leave your thoughts on Episode 5, or your
favorite part of the recap!!!
See you back here on Friday for a special post on my favorite summer jewelry!
xoxo,
Sheaffer 🙂
p.s.
So, in case you don’t follow me on facebook or you just missed it, look at the goodness here:
Lindsay Otis says
I always love your bachelor/ette reviews! I can't wait to go with you on this finding a dress journey, please continue to post the other dresses..so fun! I agree with you on loving a short dress 🙂 get it girl!
Mix and Match Mama says
Oh girl! I just laughed all the way through this ;)! And listen, you look stunning in BOTH of those dresses at the end!
Ash says
Your bachelor recaps seriously make my morning!!! I'm crying I'm laughing so hard!
Anonymous says
My favorite part: I wanted to hug him AND take him to Super Cuts. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Laura says
Omg YES with the Emily comparison!!! That was perfect.
Anonymous says
Why does Nick always look like he just rolled out of bed and put some nice clothes on?!?! Brush your hair dude!!
Alison
Jill Farmer says
Forget The Men Tell All. My dream is to watch an episode of The Bachelorette with you! Your recaps are the best! I love starting out my day with a good laugh.
brookerichardson says
I literally spit out my coffee while laughing about your incident in San Antonio! I used to drink Zima way back in the day! Lol.
Amanda @ Sip Simmer Serve says
You nailed it!! I even almost forgot about the "hair cut". I laughed and laughed. This episode was NUTS (typical). Love your posts, and you're adorable, as always! Thanks!
Kathryn says
Sheaffer – You are HILARIOUS! Between your por favor and other Spanish phrases to the biggest jackwagon. Girl – You need to write a book! No idea what about, but it would definitely be a good read!! Are these the earrings you're wearing? http://www.kendrascott.com/nancy-delicate-earrings-in-mint.html I know KS sometimes has different sizes of things, but maybe this is similar if not the same. 🙂 Or they could be the Allison earrings. 🙂 http://www.kendrascott.com/allison-earrings-in-neon-yellow.html
Denise Swain says
Your recaps make Wednesday my favorite morning of the week! And that dress looks adorable on you btw…. 🙂
Jen LaPittus says
Those are the Allison earrings (only available in neon yellow in the KS site now, but SCORE at under $50!) love the sleeveless option of your gorgeous blue lace dress!
Lindsay Truax says
I love to wake up to this on Wednesday mornings! Too funny and I love both of your dresses!!
pinkandnavystripes.com
Erika Slaughter says
I've always said red is your color but now in adding turquoise to that statement. Red AND turquoise are your colors!!! I missed the episode this week but am super confident that this record was way more entertaining!!!
Annie Cox says
You look great in both of those dresses. I am so excited for you that you get to go to the Men Tell All show. So jealous! Also, I've been reading Jillian Harris' blog and she usually highlights what Kaitlyn wears and sometimes highlights cheaper options. Just thought you might me interested. She had the fringe skirt on her blog yesterday.
Lindsay D. says
I think you should wear the dress you wore to the wedding. It looks great on you!
Love your recaps!!
Anonymous says
What size do you wear in the Jagger skinny jeans? They run smaller then the Thompson Tomboy's don't they?
Sheaffer says
II have 2 pair! One light wash and one dark wash! I have a 27 in one and a 28 in the other. Sorry I'm not more help! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Anonymous says
Sheaffer- or anyone! Do you have the Vigoss Jagger skinny jean? Any real life pics or thoughts on this pair ?! Thanks!!
Sheaffer says
Hey there! yes, I have 2 pair. I love mine. One is a dark wash and one is a light wash. One is a 27 and one is a 28. I know that's not much help, but I do love them!
Anonymous says
No, that IS a help 🙂 Is your dark pair still dark on the front of the thighs, or is it really faded on that area- you know how some washes are………..
Sheaffer says
I would say they are marginally faded…but I think there is a lot of variability between each pair.
Sarah Tucker says
Ian is the WORST! Next bachelor…hahahhahah!!
Anonymous says
I think that's the only way JJ is going to get to 2nd base with anybody! I laughed out loud! My co-worker wanted to know what was so funny, and she's reading the recap right now. Sounds like you have a new fan (I can hear her laughing)! 🙂
Anonymous says
Funniest recap ever!!!
Lori says
Bless Ian's heart… translation (make me sick) Really a blue sleeve! I wish I still had my fringed red, white and blue suede purse from high school! Love Wednesday mornings with your recap.
Elizabeth Birenbaum says
I stopped actually watching the show because… I just can't this season! LOL. It's too much. But I'm LOVING your recaps like normal! Hilarious! Best recap ever!
kristen says
You should follow @caryfetman on instagram. She has been the bachelor/bachelorette stylist for ten years and just started her account. She posted one of the outfits last night with where to find it.
Dixie says
Shaeffer, you should check out Jillian Harris (former Bachelorette and also a Canadian and friends with Kaitlyn)'s blog: http://www.jillianharris.com She is doing recaps of Kaitlyn's wardrobe each week with exact links and also less expensive options. She has the fringe skirt up!
Anonymous says
Love your recaps! I look forward to Wednesday mornings more than I do Monday nights! And here's a suggestions – get #krazyinakardigan together with Ian (who is now in need of a hashtag) – maybe Bachelor in Paradise? We can only hope 🙂 We know they'd have Ivy League children who use big words and who make everyone hate them.
Narci says
So funny!!!! Also, I need that fringe dress!! So crazy adorable!!
Deborah says
I think the earrings are the Allison ones…they're $35 at NM. They're cute but my little one would pull those right out of my ears! http://www.lastcall.com/Kendra-Scott-Luxe-ALLISON-TQ-GD-EAR/prod33000000/p.prod?eVar4=More%20Colors
Alessandra says
Hi Sheaffer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am LOVING the recaps!Yes, Ian was not good… He started really strong in my opinion and he is handsome, but the fact that Kaitlyn was not "dying" for him got to him… Bruised ego, you know…
Anyway, as for the dress, I am no tv expert, but I think you want to stay away from prints and go for a bold, bright color! For one it looks better on you and it would be easier for us to spot you!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay girl, I can't wait to see you there! Can you imagine if you get to ask a question????? I think actually that the dress you wore at the wedding would look gorgeous for the "Men tell all"!!!
Stephanie Jennings says
As I watched the episode (especially when Ian was making America dislike him), I kept thinking you will have a blast at the Men Tell All!! Think of all the material they have to work with! Clint, JJ, Ian…. It will be so entertaining for you!!! Have a great day 🙂
Anonymous says
You have the best Bachelorette recaps!!!
Amanda & Jerrod Carpenter says
OMG I loved this recap. I am not really into this season, but I keep watching so I can read the recap and know what's going on. Thanks for posting these, they are too funny!!!
Grace says
Oh how I look forward to these each week. I can't wait to hear your commentary about the men tell all!!
PS no matter what you or Shay wear to Men Tell All, you and shay will be the cutest ladies in the room!!
Anonymous says
You are a hoot and a 1/2, #zima. Can you come to Michigan so we can hang out? we have Nordstrom here too!
Anonymous says
Your sidebar about the water bottle story made my day!!!!!! If you ever find yourself in Vancouver, BC let your blog readers know!!! 🙂 xo Emma
Whitney says
I think the earrings are the Kendra Scott Dee earrings, yes? http://www.kendrascott.com/dee-earrings-in-magenta.html
Anonymous says
Ha!!! "He was just about as welcome as Krispy Kremes at a Weight Watcher's convention." You crack me up! 🙂 Great recap! I couldn't believe how all of the guys threw Josh under the bus and how Kaitlyn did too! Not cool. And I laughed when one reader suggested Ian and #krazyinakardigan should get together! I'm liking Peter Brady and Gosling a lot so far… but it looks like she may mess things up soon (guessing with Nick??). Ugh. – Sharon
Because Shanna Said So says
God love Joshua and all these dingalings…I swear, girl, I don't know how you do it…these guys are dorks and all want there 5 minutes of fame….clearly. I still think ABC should hire you to commentate! 🙂
Shannon Quinn says
Here's the link to the Kendra Scott earrings … and on sale! I just bought these and … love!
http://www.lastcall.com/Kendra-Scott-Allison-Magnesite-Drop-Earrings-Teal/prod32180138/p.prod?showprod=true
Anonymous says
I agree with staying away from printed dress for tv. Love the turquoise!!!
E. Erquitt says
Yes! I so remember when Emily went all "West Virginia" on Ryan's (?) butt!!!
Karre Havey says
Couple things… I don't even watch the Bachelorette and yet read your recaps every week and I laughed so hard about your Zima water bottle story. Thank you for that.
Cooksies says
Girl you crack me up! Thank you for doing these recaps and putting a smile on so many ladies' faces! And so excited that you get to go to MTA! Good luck dress hunting! I'm sure it's stressful! I stressed out for days over what to wear to an outdoor wedding and I was just a guest 😉 went with this classy but sexy (aka husband approved) option from Nordstrom in navy with the light purple KS Avante Garde collection statement necklace. You would rock it! And I'm in plano if you want to borrow;) http://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/charles-henry-crepe-fit-flare-dress/4058044?origin=category&BaseUrl=Dresses
Jennifer says
My husband's cousin was at the dance hall in Gruene that night. He and his wife thought they were just entering a dance competition, but when they got there they found out it was for the episode. Cool, huh?! He's the guy in the light pink shirt.
Anonymous says
OK, so I really don't know how many years it's been since I've heard the word, "Zima"….but you get the flashback award for simply typing the word! Hilarious!
Anonymous says
I think you should wear the dress you wore to the wedding. It looks very nice. You could add a statement necklace. Not a fan of dress #1.
Julie in Charlotte says
Given he is a Princeton grad you would think Ian would be smart enough to know the best way to eliminate yourself from becoming the next Bachelor is to #1 talk about it on the show, and #2 be over the top arrogant and insult the Bachelorette. I was actually agreeing with him at first that is a catch, even felt badly for him, until he said she wasn't half as hot, and bragged about getting so much sex. Give me a break! Doubt he can still say that when he gets home. Don't any of these guys watch the previous shows before appearing on one? Would have been much better off to bow out graciously admitting that a connection had not evolved with them and wishing her the best. Man, I am way into this show, need to get out more!
I think you are a doll in whatever you put together and I hope to spot your cute smile on the show! My husband and I both separately had our Zima days too:)!
Anonymous says
I love dress #1, but maybe not for the MTA. Did the small fit you? I would have ordered a small since I'm a size 6, but I am probably a size bigger than you.
Alesha Baxter says
This will be an EPIC Men Tell All show! I cannot wait to read your recap afterwards. You'll definitely have a unique perspective this season. We'll be there with you in spirit and then hanging on your every word when you return and give us the scoop. Thanks for the weekly laughs! Zima…I'm still chuckling to myself about that!
dresselfamily.blogspot.com says
Ian.. bless his heart #myenglishtranslationrymeswithrouche… what a man.. but not.
I laughed so loud with josh and his supercut's.. sad but true.
loved the epic emily ..best ever lol
is it me or does Nicks smug smirk want me to punch his lights out #Imachristianandhemakesmewanttodomeanthings lol
also can someone give kaitlyn some living proof blow out spray so her hair can not go limp.. the struggle is real.. poor girl.
I can barely wait for next week!!!!
East End Mom says
For television recordings they usually recommend solids over patterns and no black or white.
Devo Hardwick says
Supersweet comment: your recaps are great and I can shop at the same time.
Vanessa says
I don't even watch the bachelor(ette) shows but I love reading your recaps ? I can't believe it's not a health code violation to kayak by the Riverwalk. So gross.
Melanie says
I'm back tracking over here. Is this when Shawn B had his all nighter talk we don't know about? Ugh! ABC and their editing!