FOR THE LOVE, we’ve watched 5 hours of Bachelor this week, so let’s just jump right in.
We still have a 1:1 left before we get to the rose ceremony, and it’s Becca’s.
Let’s take a second to admire her outfit.
Bright yellow peplum top, black jeans, cognac booties, and turquoise jewelry.
I get it. I like it.
Good for you Becca for pairing the cognac booties with the black jeans.
Well played.
They sit down on a couch in some cool loft apartment and talk like real live people often do.
They hold hands and she admits to him that she’s never really been in love.
They head out to the rooftop deck to see the sunset. Kudos to production for getting this shot.
Whitney, #fullfrontal, and My Name is Carly It’s Nice To Meet You are back at the hotel the next morning and all talking when Britt walks up. Britt says she’s packed her bags and she’s going to leave before the next rose ceremony.
And she starts crying. Again.
My girl Carly straight up calls BULL CORN and tells her she doesn’t believe her.
I love it.
Carly. PLEASE CALL ME. Let’s have lunch.
Carly is crazy annoyed and between all of the eye rolling and twitching, she is one tiny little step away from eating her hair. And yet I still want to be besties.
Time for the cocktail party!
The girls are all getting dressed and talking about how they all have things they want to say to him during the party.
Not so fast girls.
Harrison walks in and lets the girls know that there won’t be a cocktail party.
Britt is FREAKING, and Carly is all sorts of smug.
It’s hilarious.
The ladies are all lined up, and Chris pops out and launches into his spill.
You know, the usual: finding love, there for the right reasons, this is more difficult than I thought, yada yada yada.
Britt pipes in and asks for like 2 seconds of his time. And you can tell that Chris is OVER her.
He answers with the shortest (and most annoyed) “yeah” in the history of “yeahs”.
The second they leave the room, the girls are are all like WE KNEW IT!!!!!!!!
As #dirtyhairdon’tcare is talking to him, she’s admitting all of her wrong doings, and he’s just quietly nodding his head like “Mmhmmmm. Yeah.” He is DONE.
And then our Prince Farming totally MANS UP!
He tells her that her behavior was not appealing to him at all, and that the behavior and qualities that she showed are not things he desires in his wife.
GO FARMER! GO FARMER! GO FARMER!
He stands up, and tells her that he will walk her out.
#ouch
The girls are looking through a window and think that they see he is escorting her out, and they are POSITIVELY GIDDY.
As soon as Britt gets outside, homegirl LOSES IT.
Like sobbing on the curb, can’t breathe, loses it.
And she can’t believe that Carly sold her out.
Believe it.
And I actually felt sorry for Britt. The way she felt wasn’t any different than the way the other girls felt, she just didn’t keep it in check like the others did.
Still.
#byefelicia
Chris comes back in and tells all the girls that he sent Britt home.
Who gets the roses?
Whitney
Becca
Jade
(Kaitlyn already had one)
Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
That means my girl Carly is going home.
I’m afraid she sealed her fate when she crossed over into friend zone when she talked about Britt.
He walks her out and she maintains composure.
But then she gets in the limo, starts crying a bit, and for like 3 sentences I feel like she’s speaking Mandarin and I don’t understand anything she’s saying?
Nutshell: she wants to find love.
Carly, I know I might not be what you’re looking for, but I can promise you we would have A LOT of fun together. I’m EXTRA fun after a couple of mambo taxis, and I have a hunch that you are too.
And after lunch and drinks, we can start a petition for you to be the next Bachelorette!
WHO’S WITH ME?!?
Now It’s Time for the Girl’s HOMETOWN DATES!
First stop, Lousiana with Becca.
She perfectly performs the run to a straddle hug that they must be required to do by production (at the very least it’s strongly suggested), and I give it a 9.2.
They kiss in a canoe, and then they head to her house.
The great big family is sitting around a great big table with great big plates of food, and everybody is apparently bummfuzzled about how to act concerning the fact that Becca is holding hands with a boy. Here’s an idea family, let’s not act like Becca is a freak.
Hold on.
Sidebar.
Let’s take a moment to discuss what they are eating.
IS THAT FRITO PIE?
Or is that just me projecting because I WISH I WAS EATING FRITO PIE right now.
The sister immediately takes Chris aside and starts airing Becca’s clean laundry.
See what I did there?
She tells him that Becca is not one of those people that will be affectionate in public.
That she’s not an intimate person.
And that she’s never had the urge to be close to a man before.
THANKS SIS.
Becca walks him out and thinks she is telling him goodbye, but he has a surprise for her!
The head to the Lousiana State Fair to ride the Ferris Wheel.
And they totally make out.
You see that Sis? She’s making out! With a boy! On national t.v.!!!!!
#face
Next up: Whitney in Chicago!!!!!
Let’s pause for a minute to talk about how darling she is.
The asymmetrical zip coat.
The popped collar.
The mint green statement necklace.
The loose waves in her hair.
I love it all.
And I have a sneaky suspicion that Prince Farming does too.
Since he’s already been to Chicago several times, she says she is going take him on a tour of her life
and says “Let’s go make a baby” while giving him a cute little wink.
They show up at the hospital she works at, because remember….she’s a fertility nurse!
#whew
She and a co-worker play a little joke on Chris telling him that they are going to test his stuff. So she takes him to the “man room” as she calls it and basically tells him to get after it.
Let’s take a look at the man room for a minute.
I’m thrilled that the chair is leather (can be wiped down easily), but I’m wondering where the Lysol and Clorox wipes are?!? I’m also wondering if he might find Jade’s pictorial
spread in the corner over there.
Whitney admits that she’s kidding, and in his 1:1 interview he says “I’m pretty confident my soldiers are marching” and I totally LOL’D!
He thought the joke was funny, and actually appreciated the fact that she was willing to try to punk him like that!
Right before they walk into the house to meet her family, Chris stops her and asks her who he should ask for her hand in marriage?
WHAT?
IS THIS HAPPENING?
She is flabbergasted and I’m pretty sure she almost screams “Yes, I’ll marry you!” (even though he hadn’t technically asked). Details.
Chris talks with Whitney’s uncle who is her father figure, and he’s so fun and easy to talk to. And you can tell that he loves Whitney like a daughter.
Whitney and her sister talk and she shares how strong she feels about her connection with Chris.
She tries to assure her that it’s real.
And the sister is all, “You know he lives in Iowa right? In a really small town?”
Whitney says she knows, and that she’s fine with it…and you know what…
I think Whitney would be fine with it!
The sisters have a bit of a spat because the older sister is not at all willing to give her blessing for a marriage when there are still other girls in the mix.
I respect her for that.
She tells Chris she doesn’t want Whitney to be 1 of 4, and that she can’t give her blessing until she’s the final one standing. She tells him to call her when that happens.
And I want her to GIVE HIM THE NUMBER!
Because I’m telling you…I think he’s going to make that call.
Whitney sits down with Chris to ask him how it went, and he’s all “Ummmmm…it was slightly difficult”. Whitney freaks out a bit, but I think Chris reassures her that he understands where her sister was coming from.
Whitney then swoops in and totally saves the night with the SWEETEST MOMENT EVER.
She explains to Chris that she bought a really expensive bottle of wine when she was in Napa once. She said it was really out of her price range, but she bought it anyway, and told herself she would share it one day with the man she knew was going to be her husband.
Her voice starts to quiver, she starts to cry a little bit, AND I LOVE HER.
LIKE I FULL ON LOVE HER.
CHRIS!
GIVE HER THE ROSE!
GIVE HER A RING!
CALL BIG SISTER KIMBERLY RIGHT NOW AND LET’S GET THIS DONE!
He doesn’t propose, but they do kiss.
And I start to wonder what their wedding flowers will be and what style of dress she’ll go for.
I’m thinking peonies and a fitted bodice with a trumpet skirt.
Next Up: Kaitlyn’s hometown in Phoenix, Arizona.
The home of dumpsters apparently. What the heck?
She says “You took me to Costco, so I figured dumpsters were a good idea!”
Funny. 🙂
They walk into a recording studio, and we are all reminded that Chris is a caucasian farmer, and he has ZERO rap skills.
Kaitlyn’s mom pulls her aside.
Mom is adorable and her haircut is too cute.
They have a nice conversation about how Kaitlyn “hearts” Chris, and for the first time I really believe that she is starting to fall for him.
And then Kaitlyn drives him to an undisclosed location and this happens.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
Does it mean Kaitlyn LOVES Chris?
Does it simply mean Kaitlyn and Chris with a heart in between?
I’m confused and need a translator.
The final hometown date is with Jade in Gering, Nebraska.
They head straight to meet with her family, and Jade is just a ball of nerves.
She’s so afraid they are going to reveal her full frontal secrets before she gets a chance too.
Jade’s dad takes Chris aside, and Chris goes on and on about how she loves her small town values.
The dad drops some casual hints about her “wild side” as does her brother when he calls
her a “wild mustang” and a “free spirit”.
Her dad sits down with her, and he is extremely sweet and supportive.
He encourages her to tell Chris and says that he wants her to settle down with somebody that doesn’t put her down for being her, because she deserves that. What a good dad!
Jade and Chris get to spend a little more time together alone.
And right before she throws up from nerves, she decides to finally share her secret.
She starts out by saying “I think there’s some things about me that would surprise you.”
And now I think Chris is going to throw up.
Things get quiet. And serious.
And she finally starts getting it off her chest.
She uses the word “liberating”, says she is afraid it’s going to change his opinion of her, and then she just blurts out that she had posed for Playboy.
Oh thank Heavens.
It’s finally out in the open.
And his face is priceless.
The best I can tell it’s a mixture of confusion, sadness, and intrigue.
She then asks if he wants to see the photos.
And I think he actually handles it as well as to be expected I think.
He says “This is all about you, but if it will make you feel more comfortable, then okay.”
There was lots of nervous smiling, and he even looked away a time or two.
I’m guessing that’s when full frontal flashed across the screen.
And then he’s like “Is this a video?”
And I’m like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT A VIDEO!!!!!”
Chris continues to feel awkward and uncomfortable.
After the video you hear his voice in a voice over and he goes “and then she took her bottoms off”.
And not in a high five kind of way, but in a I have no idea how I’m supposed to be reacting to this kind of way.
All right.
Showtime is over.
He is blushing, he takes a drink, and we hear crickets as he grasps for words.
He then says all the right things starting with “I like you for the person that you are.”
He tells her not to feel bad and that she is a beautiful woman and that he doesn’t feel it would affect their relationship.
And then Jade breathes for the first time in like 5 hours.
TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY!
First up, Kaitlyn is SMOKIN HOT in her dress!
Who gets the roses?
Whitney (WooHoo!!!!!!!)
Kaitlyn
Becca
Which means Jade goes home.
Poor Jade.
He gives her a good-bye speech and just said his connection was growing faster with the other girls.
She handles herself well, and that’s that.
Chris actually tears up as he’s putting her in the car. Like nose running, the whole nine yards.
It’s actually all very sweet.
It makes me really like our little farmer.
So….I hope you stuck around to after the previews for next week….because Whitney’s little precious dog? Well, it GOES TO TOWN on a stuffed animal. Complete with hopping.
Then the dog starts swinging the stuffed toy around and Chris goes “She likes it rough.”
OMG.
HILARIOUS.
And then Whitney says “Show him what you got baby.”
It’s official, I love these two together.
THE END.
Click HERE if you missed Sunday’s recap!
WAIT!
Before you go, I have several fashion-y things to throw out there.
I featured THESE jeans in a sale collage last week and received lots of e-mails about them.
So I put them on yesterday’s post, and got 5 more e-mails about the wonders of these jeans! If you have these jeans, please leave a comment!
And great news! They are still fully stocked!
OLD NAVY started some sales this morning!
Click HERE to shop the entire site.
Or click HERE for my Old Navy is KILLING IT for Spring post!
Remember my favorite new Military Jacket?
Cuz it’s AWESOME.
military jacket HERE
For size reference, I’m wearing a small in the jacket.
similar pink gingham shirt HERE / striped sweater HERE / floral tee HERE
Look how cute it is in all 3 looks below!!!!!
Like I said last week, a military jacket is probably the most worn item in my closet!
And yes. This is now my 4th military jacket.
I seriously just couldn’t pass it up.
ANTHROPOLOGIE is having and additional 25% OFF of SALE ITEMS RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Click HERE to shop the entire sale.
And here are a few things that caught my eye:
Mix and Match Mama says
Listen, I know people…I have a few connections…I'll track down Carly and we can all be friends :).
Sheaffer says
Get on the horn. Makes some calls lady.
Micah Tjeerdsma says
I literally just LOL'd at this convo. Y'all are cute!
Anonymous says
Ummm I want in on the friend action. I, too, am loads of fun after lunchtime margs.
Gentel McKenney says
I'm totally on board with #carlyforbachelorette !!!!!
Julie C. says
I absolutely LOVE Whitney!!!! I have liked her from the 1st episode & always knew she'd be in the running 🙂 I also feel the exact same way you do about Carly. I just love her & all her awesome commentary, especially these last 2 episodes!! At first, I wasn't sure about her but she DEF changed my mind when she started showing her true self a few weeks ago. I LOOOOOVE your recaps…they always give me my first laughs for the day 🙂
Erika Slaughter says
I LOL'd when he said his soldiers were marching too! I wasn't expecting it. And I hope Carly calls you!
Rae Nolt says
I wanna be your and Carly's friend too! I am not funny and at all—like yall—but I can laugh! And have a good time! And Whitney. She is so perfect for Chris.
Kathryn Katz says
I love Whitney, and I love mambo taxi's even more 🙂 Oh how I miss living in Dallas! As my farmer husband and I were watching the bachelor he told me to record it because we need to show our daughter (who isn't born yet but coming any day)… needs to see what happens when you make poor choices. Oh Jade! Seriously ABC NEEDS Carly as the next Bachelorette…. I just couldn't handle watching an all about Brit show.
Claire says
I agree! If Britt were the bachelorette I could not handle it. I mean, the girl was a liar and don't they usually pick a sweet girl? Can you imagine how hilarious carly would be with all those guys? She would definitely need a new wardrobe before though!
April Parrish says
Girl you seriously need some rest after all this!!! So funny! Whitney is my favorite pick!
Have a great day!
Meg Hodges says
Sheaffer!!!!!! I'm seriously dying right now! This post was hysterical! I'd pay money to watch your reactions in person to all this! Well done!
Stacy says
Love reading your recaps!! They crack me up and it's like you read my mind!!! I LOVE Carly too! Please let her be the next bachelorette!!
Claire says
Sheaffer, I feel your pain. Five hours is way too much. I fast forward A LOT but no one is depending on my hilarious recaps to help them make it through the week. Shay needs to get you the Carly hook up!!!
Heather Forcey says
Stuff just doesn't get any funnier than your Bachelor recaps! I said the same thing when Whitney took Chris into the "man room." Maybe he'll see Jade's pictures in the Playboys! Ha! Team Whitney over here! Thanks for the laughs!
Amanda says
Me too!
EGJ01 says
If you had to choose between the "Treasure & Bond" and your "Must Have" jeans which ones would it be?? Love your posts and all of your friends! You girls have so much fun :).
Sheaffer says
Hi there! I haven't tried the Treasure and Bond jeans, so I'm not sure! But I think my Wit and Wisdom MUST HAVES are more of a fall and winter jean….and the T & B are more of a spring and summer jean. If that makes any sense? Hope that helps!!! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Heather @ Happily Her says
You know what's good about so much Bachelor in one week? You writing two reviews! I seriously look forward to these each week!
Anonymous says
Is it wrong that I want Chris to pick someone else so Whitney can be the next Bachelorette?? I just love her!!
Rachel Sowers says
Puhleassssse. Help me find Becca's yellow peplum top!!! Anyone know the source? Thanks!
Emily says
Read on her instagram or twitter it is her friends from Loft!
Anonymous says
I can't handle your recaps, I almost always have a coffee-snorted-out-the-nose incident when I read them! You would think I'd learn to put the coffee down but noooooo. Our girl Carly NEEDS to be the next bachelorette, but if I had to put money down I think it'll be Kaitlyn. And I feel like Carly will be shipped off to Bachelor in Paradise if that trainwreck of a show comes back on.
Kimberley Long says
I am in love with the Treasure&Bond jeans! I have 3 pairs now.. they are so comfortable and wash great!
shopwithpippa.com says
I enjoy your reviews so much more than fast forwarding through my DVR to watch The Bachelor, I am sure I would have missed some of your highlights!
Nikki Wilson says
Loved your recap of the Bachelor! I haven't watched it much this season but your post made me want to catch up on it. Also, love the jeans and military jacket!I foresee those items in my closet very soon! 🙂
Katie Benedict says
I'm so over the 5 hours of bachelor this week. But I just couldn't pull my eyes away from your recap. You seriously crack me up. Team Whitney!!!
Kristyn Luger says
Love love love your recaps!! I hardly get to watch the bachelor so I depeend on you to give me the inside scoop!! Thank you! They are always fun to read!
Jessica Groff says
I LOVE these recaps! I had stopped watching Bach a while back because the "connections" and Chris's hand clap thing got old, but I totes started watching again so that I can read your recaps and LOL! Keep up the great work!
Jessica at Leadingthedoublelife.com
Anonymous says
Hi! I have the Treasure and Bond jeans and LOVE them! I wear a lot of AG and Citizens and these compare to those brands. Excepts that these are a fraction of the cost. They are mid-rise (not low waisted, not super high), don't stretch too much as you wear them and are a great spring/summer color. I wear mine cuffed with booties, converse, flat, etc. I would say they are true to size. I buy the same size in them as I do my designer jeans. Run, don't walk, to get them at this price! Hope that helps~ Lisa Blankenship
Anonymous says
P.S. The Treasure and Bond boyfriend jeans are great too. They run a whole size big though. Actually, I've become a fan of several pieces in this line. ~ Lisa Blankenship
Farryn says
I love YOU.. And these recaps! Hilarious! Cracks me up! I MADE myself watch alllll 5 hours this week so I could thoroughly enjoy this recap!! #sheafferheartscarlyforlife
Lynn Elliott says
Love the recaps! One of my best friends lives three hours away and we text during the whole show every week while my boyfriend sits beside me on the couch and pretends to watch with me and her husband is downstairs not even pretending. I LOVE CARLY! Best thing to ever happen on the show. She should have her own talk show. The fashion tips you give during the recap are spot on and it's hilarious that you do it.
DIYbyDesign says
I became a bigger Whitney fan this episode with her awesome coat on the hometown date. You have got to find out where that coat is from and where we can get it, and then post it please. I am now officially on Team Whitney. My guess is he picks her. I think she's the best fit.
Anonymous says
Could you please do a post about the new spring pants known as "joggers" or "draped"? Wondering how to style and or wear these strange new creatures!
Chic Coastal Living says
So funny! I know I can't believe it was 5 hours! But fun! What did you think about Andi?
Narci says
Oh my word, so funny! I love Whitney and Chris together! Carly would be the perfect addition to our lunch dates! 🙂
Emily - Live This Love says
I am so with you on #teamwhitney! I turned to my husband at the end and said, see he needs a girl like her who says "show 'em what you got" when the dog does it's thing, not the girl who "has never had the urge to be close to a man before". While I'm not a fan of Becca, I am a fan of her hair. It always looks perfect and I want to know how she does it. Love the color, love the style, love it all! Carly could learn a thing or two from her. The whole time I kept thinking that Carly NEEDS to be the next bachelorette and she is going to look so great once the ABC style team does her over! So thankful we are finally off the #itsallaboutbritt train this week!
-Emily
http://www.livethislove.com
Anonymous says
Love your blog! The recaps are so hilarious and so true! I have told all my friends to read your blog 🙂 I also love Carly. From pictures she looks like your friend Erika….obviously I don't know her but from you pictures I think they look alike.
Elaine Welte says
The dog was THE BEST part of the entire episode! Hilarious! And yes, I love, love, love Whitney!
Chris T says
Reading your recap is so much easier and a lot funnier, than watching the show-which I am not cuz Chris is not my style. Otherwise I am a lifelong Bachelor watcher. Love your blog and fashion ideas. Keep it up!
Lindsay Blake says
I LOVE Carly, too. Not for Chris – he needs to be with Whitney. But I love, love, love Carly. SO wish they would cast her as next Bachelorette!
Queen In Between says
I know I say this everytime…but I love these recaps!! Your comments on the fertility room….I almost spit my drink on my monitor. You crack me up.
Anonymous says
Hmm I am wondering when the "jump straddle the bachelor" started? Seriously would anyone knowingly do this to a guy? I think not! I have been watching the bachelor for years and am curious what season this started. Schaeffer maybe you can post that in your next recap or if you don't know maybe someone else does! I am new to your blog (love it) thanks to reading Shay's blog. I would love to go on your coffee date with Carly! Love you sense of humor (too much like mine!)
Marty says
I live for these posts.
Anonymous says
TREASURE AND BOND JEANS…. My new LOVE! Just received these in the mail and they are by far my new favs (over Citizens, 7's and True Religion). Best part is the PRICE! They have just enough stretch to be nice and fitted but don't stretch out too much over the day. I never would have ordered these if you had not featured them on your blog so THANK YOU!!! My 16 year old daughter even gave me her 2 thumbs up, so of course they must meet the cool criteria as well! Thanks so much for recommending these awesome jeans!