If y’all are new around here, you might not know that I do Bachelor and Bachelorette recaps every season. Yep, I’ll be recapping The Bachelorette every Wednesday over here. WELCOME TO CRAZY TOWN, Y’ALL.
You see, way back when Sean Lowe was The Bachelor I started doing them (because his sister Shay is one of my besties). People read the recaps and had the nicest things to say. And then people told their friends about the recaps. And then their friend’s friends told their friends about the recaps……fast forward several years, and the recaps are kind of a thing around here. And I promise you, you don’t even need to watch the show. Because CRAZY translates even without prior knowledge of the show. #trust 😉
We’ll remember who Rachel is in a minute, but here’s what you should know immediately: GIRL LOOKS GOOD IN RED. And she pretty much solidified her tag line: Sassy, but Classy. Put that on a t-shirt.
Rachel is the beautiful and smart attorney from Dallas (who was a crowd favorite for sure), and she is making history this season as the first African American Bachelorette! Nick broke her heart last season, but now she’s back and ready to find love.
A little more history: Remember that she met 4 guys at the end of last season, including this guy. This is Eric. And if you recall, I was ready to declare him the winner right then and there. He danced his way into our hearts.
But now we’re ready for this season’s guys! Before limo time, we had the “privilege” of meeting some of the guys in their hometowns. I use the word “privilege” loosely here.
First up, Kenny. Kenny wasn’t impressing me in the first second they showed him. He called himself “Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King.” Oh, good grief. Make up your mind. Pick a lane. CHOOSE A NAME, KENNY. And I felt like this shot of him wasn’t doing him any favors.
But he quickly redeemed himself like 10 seconds in, because this crazy wrestler loves his baby girl. He looks incredibly sweet and like he’s ready for love. #teamprettyboypitbullkennyking
Okay, y’all. We are 10 minutes in when we met the “WHAAABOOOOM!” guy! More on him later. What you need to know is that it was about this time that I started googling “rage therapy”, because I legit wanted to punch this guy in the trachea. I was thinking he needed a psych referral. And then I was thinking I might need a psych referral. Where was all this rage coming from?
Then we met Blake. Blake is a physical trainer and sports nutritionist. UM, if I were the bachelorette, that would be all I needed to know about Blake. I’d be all “Go head and get on outta here. You can plank and eat kale with somebody else, dude. Buh-bye.” Just for the record….My dream guy would say something like “I like to binge watch Parenthood on NetFlix and eat tacos.” #dreamy
Blake then went on to talk about how his last partner pretty much gave him a Ph.D. in sex education. He also wanted us to know that a lot of girls talk about the amazingness of his xxxxx. Just in case you’re confused, I’m using “xxxxx” in place of the anatomically correct word for his male genitalia (even though that was the word he said incredibly casually ON NATIONAL TELEVISION). My dad reads here. You’re welcome, dad.
And I realize it’s early, but I feel like it’s already time to throw out the first “OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR!” of the season. And to support my case, I would like to submit this next picture into physical evidence.
Why? Why is he stretching on a pier in distressed (and cuffed) jeans and driving moccasins. Why.
Oh, and a side note here. I’m quite sure I just reached a personal low. I just google searched “other words for xxxxx”. I was really trying to find the least offensive word possible. You know, one that was funny, but not offensive, and still had a little shock factor to it. There were LOTS of options. Y’all. There were seriously an ASTOUNDING amount of options. And they were alphabetized. Some made me laugh, some made me cringe, and two of them kicked up my gag reflex.
Okay. Let’s erase Blake from our memory for right now and move on to sweet and precious Josiah. Josiah would never dream of talking about his xxxxx, BECAUSE HIS MAMA RAISED HIM RIGHT. Josiah has quite a back story. His older brother committed suicide after being bullied, and Josiah found him. That trauma early on in life led him down a dark road where he was arrested for armed robbery, but a Judge turned his life around by giving him a 2nd chance. AND Y’ALL. Now he’s now a prosecuting attorney for the same firm. He seems like a sweetheart. Look at his precious little angel face.
Now before it was time to meet the guys, Rachel got to sit down with some friends from Nick’s season and they handed out advice. Corinne said, “Show him your boobies and always have a can of Readi-whip on hand.” JK.
Time for the guys to get out of the limos!!!!!! Rachel is all sorts of ready to meet TONS of amazing men tonight. Ha, just kidding. Let’s be real. There will probably be about 3-4 amazing guys. And the rest will be total tools. BUT Y’ALL! We love the tools! BRING ON THE TOOLS!!!
Peter, 30, Business Owner
I think this guy and Rachel would make precious little gap toothed babies.
Josiah, 28, Prosecuting Attorney
Josiah is the guy whose brother died when he was younger. He really is just precious.
Bryan, 27, Chiropractor
Bryan spoke Spanish to Rachel. And she dug it. He’s from Columbia and mentioned that he might be a bit of trouble. That’s okay, because she apparently digs trouble. The defense attorney likes a bad boy. Good to know.
Kenny, 25, Professional Wrestler,
Remember, Kenny was the wrestling daddy guy I loved during the hometown packages. I liked him then, and I love him now. He busted out some dance moves because he wanted to “check something” and see if Rachel could break it down at a moment’s notice. Rachel passed with flying colors. He was adorable. And they were adorable together.
Rob, 29, Law Student
“You have always been my Bachelorette first round draft pick.” Whatever.
Iggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO
He’s “genuinely and authentically” happy to be be here. Yeah, right.
Bryce, 30, Firefighter
He literally swept her off her feet.
Will, 28, Sales Manager
So, apparently this guy was a fan of Family Matters. He got out of the limo doing his best Steve Urkel impressions. That took guts. And maybe a shot or two. #dididothat
Diggy, 31, Senior Inventory Analyst
First of all. This is Diggy. Not to be confused with Iggy (the guy who was genuinely and authentically happy to be there). During his hometown package, Diggy explained that he started calling himself Diggy after somebody told him they “liked his digs”.
A couple of things: 1) It’s not cool to nickname yourself. 2) I’m the first to admit I’m not up on all the hip lingo….but doesn’t the word “digs” mean where you live? NOT what you wear. I’m confused. And this is the 2nd time I’ve needed a dictionary today.
Okay…so I went to Urban Dictionary. I couldn’t help myself. I learned that “digs” is a noun that means “living space.” I felt SO vindicated. BUT THEN, I saw that it can also be defined as clothing. But the clothing definition was followed up with this disclaimer: This definition is questionable and is pending deletion. It will be saved from deletion if legitimate citations are found. Now, don’t hold your breath guys, because that last entry was written in June of 2014…and no “legitimate citations” have been logged since. I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW.
Right before he walked into the mansion, he promised to teach Rachel “how to Diggy”. But to me, it just looked like he was going to teach Rachel how to straighten her bow tie to a beat. #nananananananana #nananananana #gettingdiggywithit
Tell me you didn’t just sing that and count the number of “Na”s I had to make sure I got it right. I did, by the way.
Kyle, 26, Marketing Consultant
Kyle wanted to show her his buns. And I guess there was some type of baked good that they ate.
Blake, 29, U.S. Marine Veteran
Blake seemed really sweet. He shared with Rachel that his grandparents just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary. I liked Blake.
Brady, 29, Male Model
Brady waltzed up with a sledge hammer. And a block of ice. Yep, he then proceeded to “break the ice.” When he walked into the mansion, some guy yelled “Thor’s here.” I wanna know who yelled that, because that’s the guy I like.
Dean, 25, Startup Recruiter
Dean is the guy who we met at the end of After The Final Rose last year that said “I want to go black and never go back.” He asked Rachel what she thought of that, and she said she thought it was cute and showed confidence. I think this guy is going to be Top 5.
Eric, 29, Personal Trainer
Eric was the last guy we met last year that danced his way into our hearts and the one that I wanted to declare the winner right then and there. He was fine, but less impressive this go round.
DeMario, 30, Executive Recruiter
This is the guy with the plane tickets last year that came on a little strong. This time he said he couldn’t wait for their “first moments, first date, first kiss.” She liked his confidence.
Blake E., 31, Aspiring Drummer
Blake made a big ol’ entrance with a marching band.
This is the guy that made me throw out the “OBJECTION YOUR HONOR” during the hometown packages. You remember, the guy that told us he had an “above average libido”.
Blake, an average libido is more than adequate. #amirightladies
Fred, 27, Executive Assistant
We’ve got another Dallas boy. He brought a yearbook, and we learned that he went to the same school as Rachel. He was a little intense. She said she recognized him the second he stepped out of the limo, and that she remembered him being a “very bad kid”. #oopsies
Jonathan, 31, Tickle Monster
Jonathan asked her to hold her hands up and close her eyes. And then he tickled her. He wanted to “make sure she had one good laugh tonight.”
If I may be so bold, I would like to file a class action suit against this goober. Who wants to be included?
Fair warning, if you try to tickle me, it’s not my fault if you get kicked in the face. Just ask Chris.
Lee, 30, Singer/Songwriter
I got excited when he stepped out the limo with a guitar. But after hearing the lyrics and his voice, I’m not totally convinced of his singer or songwriter status.
Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor
He walked up with a vacuum and said he was with the clean up crew. I thought it was a cute bit.
Milton, 31, Hotel Recreation Supervisor
They took a selfie.
Adam, 26, Real Estate Agent
He brought a 4 foot doll with him named Adam junior.
And I’m sorry, but is it just me… or does Adam Jr. look strangely like Jordan Rogers? At the very least, the same lady does their hair.
Matt, 32, Construction Sales Rep
Matt said “I know you have a thing for penguins” (does she?), and he let her know that penguins mate for life and claimed he was going to “waddle right into her heart.”
Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician
He rolled up in an ambulance and said he heard there was an emergency because she was dying of boredom.
Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager
I’ve got nothin.
Jamey, 32, Sales Account Executive
Jack Stone, 31, Attorney
Why does this guy get 2 names? I mean, he’s the only guy that gets a last name. Why is that? I don’t have any idea.
What I do know is this: he’ll have a contract with Crest White Strips by the end of week 2. Those are some pearly whites.
Mohit, 26, Product Manager
Mohit grabbed Rachel’s hands like this and declared this was the last time he would ever have the upper hand. That my friends is what you call foreshadowing.
Jedediah, 35, ER Physician
He threw out a bible reference, but I wasn’t convinced that he’s ever actually read the bible.
Michael, 26, Former Pro Basketball Player
Nothing to say.
Lucas, 30, WhaBoom
LOTS TO SAY. So, we met the WhaBoom guy in the hometown packages, but his shirt has made me realize that I was spelling WhaBoom all wrong. It has 3 As and 4 Os. Of course. #WHAAABOOOOM
He had a megaphone and introduced himself as her future husband (who happens to have 1 testicle larger than the other). Yep, he went ahead and got that out of the way. #fulldisclosure
I have ZERO doubts that this is going to be the guy that we all love to hate.
TIME FOR THE COCKTAIL PARTY
Before Rachel joined them, it was obvious that the guys were all totally smitten. Words like “gorgeous”, “stunning”, and “Disney princess” were being thrown around.
Rachel joined them, told them how excited she was, and said “Just have fun and be yourself.” I wanted to insert “Except for you, Blake. You need to reign it in. And Lucas, you need to go ahead and tap the breaks on the hole WhaaBooom schtick.”
Josiah immediately scooped Rachel away and several of the guys were like “I did not see that coming.” Really? You didn’t know that somebody was going to take her away to talk to her? WATCH THE SHOW, PEOPLE. WATCH THE SHOW.
Josiah explained to her how he was a troubled kid and how now he’s a prosecuting attorney. Rachel exclaimed that she loves a full circle story.
Then what can only be described as a STROKE OF PRODUCER GENIUS, Adam Jr. started speaking to us in French in one of the confessional rooms. I actually lol’d.
The Columbian took her to a corner and spoke Spanish to her again. AND Y’ALL. He went in for a kiss. And not just a kiss. A SUPER AGGRESSIVE kiss. Like FULL ON TONGUE IN MOUTH and DARTING AROUND THE MOUTH KISS. Whoah.
Harrison sauntered in the room and dropped off the 1st Impression Rose, and the guys LOST THEIR EVER LOVIN’ MINDS.
And it started to become obvious that Mohit had over indulged. Hey, we’ve all been there Mohit.
The WhaaaBoooom guy was acting just like we would expect him to act. LIKE A FOOL. He was shaking his head back and forth at alarming rates of speed, making loud noises, and repeating WHAAABOOOOM over and over.
All the guys were looking at him like this.
And in a surprise turn of events, we found out that the WhaaaBoooom shirt was sleeveless. #becauseofcouseitis #asitshouldbe #evenbetter I will say, even after hearing it shouted no less than 74,000 times over the course of the episode….I’m still unclear as to what “WhaaaBoooom” actually means. What part of speech is it? I think I’m going to go with verb. But I dunno, maybe it’s an adjective? The producers treated it as an occupation, because it is what was listed next to his name and age. WAIT. MAYBE IT A STATE OF MIND.
I’m going to need Lucas to use it in a sentence and tell me it’s country of origin.
Whatever it is, I’m glad he’s sticking around. Not because I like him, but because he’s t.v. gold.
Rachel then spent some alone time with a guy that was purring. Why does he pur, you ask? As best as I could tell, he purs because he thinks it’s sexy. Rachel does not. She don’t play.
Then the drummer who talked about his xxxxx sat the WhaaBoooom guy down to tell him that he needed to be more serious. Okay, drummer boy.
Rachel then had some alone time with Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, and he endeared himself to me even more. He said his life right now is all about dance classes and tap shoes. He seemed very sincere and like a wonderful dad.
Rachel went to grab the first impression rose, and she gave it to the Columbian! He then proceeded to stick his tongue down her esophagus again. Mohit was looking on while drinking water (good idea Mohit, time to hydrate), and Mohit’s brain just about exploded. Mojit yelled “Noooooooo! Keep your mouth away.” And I all of a sudden felt like Mojit was my spirit animal.
WHO GOT ROSES?
Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam (she made it clear that Adam Jr. was NOT receiving a rose), Blake E., and Lucas.
WHO WAS KICKED TO THE CURB?
Mo, Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Michael, and Milton
We then came to the time in the show when precious Blake gave his exit speech. He was sweet, humble, and charming as all get out. Let’ go ahead and label him “the one that got away.”
Go ahead and list your Top 3 in the comments, y’all!
Before you go, I have a ton of SALE ALERTS for y’all!!!
I showed y’all this top 1 time about a month ago (with grey jeans and cognac sandals) and now it’s ON SALE. Look at the bottom! I absolutely love the frayed and rounded hem. It’s very light weight so you definitely need to wear a cami under it, and it’s perfect for cooler summer nights. You can find my favorite $12 camis HERE.
I’m wearing a small in the top, so it’s true size. It comes in 3 additional colors (including a crisp white) that would look great with distressed denim!
And now for a collage of TONS of awesome items ON SALE!
lace shift dress / fringe earrings / felicia flats / shoreline converse / perforated felicia flats / cognac tote /kate spade bracelet / scalloped tote / peplum top / floral top / orange top / blush top / necklace / kate spade watch / teardrop earrings / maxi dress
Click HERE To check out all the sale items and just do some browsing around yourself!
See you back here on Friday!