Happy Wednesday, everybody! MY GOSH. This was a big week in Bachelor world. THE BIGGEST I’ve ever experienced. For real.
But first, are you new around here? Click HERE if you need to get caught up on all the shenanigans this season (you can scroll through all of the recaps)! If you aren’t caught up, there’s no doubt that the parents stole the show last week.
Hannah’s mom is pretty much my hero.
Before we officially start, I want to address the fact this week marks a historic moment. After 274 seasons with promises of “THE MOST DRAMATIC ________ EVER“, this week they are going to actually deliver. So buckle up, y’all. Things are about to get dramatic.
This week’s show opened up with Harrison and Colton having a little heart to heart (preteen style) about the fantasy suites. He explained to Harrison that he didn’t want to plan anything….HOWEVER…if he is in fact in love by the time the suites roll around, then he will in fact be okay with not being a virgin anymore. #please #forthelove #quitsayingvirgin
He then said he wanted to “make love”. #please #forthelove #dontsaythateither
My shoulders immediately went up by my ears, I turned my head away from the screen, and I winced.
I would like to throw it out there that Bachelor Nation is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY more excited about the fence jumping than the love making. YES?
I mean I couldn’t care less about the love making. But I AM HERE for the fence jumping. With popcorn. And Junior Mints.
I do wish Colton would ditch the “making love” terminology and take direction from my high school Young Life leader who referred to the act as “The Big Wiggle“. It’s just easier on the ears.
FANTASY SUITS IN PORTUGAL
TAYSHIA’S FANTASY SUITE……OR NOT
Tayshia was up first. And she was looking super cute in her skinny jeans, blush cami, and moto jacket! Although she couldn’t be bothered to put her arms actually inside of her jacket. which drives me crazy. #soblogger
Coltn’s silky fringe scarf was a firm NO SIR from me.
They hopped in a helicopter (because it’s Tayshia, and they have to go air born) and Colton said “I think it’s safe to say that I am falling in love with Tayshia.”
The first virgin joke of the night happened in the helicopter. While engaging in a conversation about Portugal’s exports, Colton claimed that “extra virgin olive oil” was at the top of the list. Which wasn’t funny at all. But Tayshia saved the day with a snappy little response of “just how I like ’em.” #extravirgin Which actually was funny. Go, Tayshia.
They sipped champagne, made some toasts, and engaged in some general talk about fantasy suites. And he made a 2nd joke about his virgin status. Which wasn’t funny.
Colton toasted, “To sitting at the edge of the world, with a beautiful woman, who I’m falling in love with.”
And then he made yet another “joke” about his virginity. It wasn’t funny either. He said “I’m not flexible…probably because I’m a virgin.” HUH? It wasn’t funny, and it didn’t even make sense.
That night, Tayshia threw her jacket over her shoulders again, and Colton casually threw on yet another scarf. With fringe.
Tayshia admitted to the cameras that she was in fact in love with Colton.
They sat down to dinner, and Colton was “worried” that one of her boobs was just going to fall out. She assured him that they were taped in and the tape was going to keep them in. And he was like, “Well, it’s not.”
AND THEN SHE HAD A NIP SLIP.
And WITH GLEE he was like “Yeah, I saw that one.”
That’s what they call foreplay, y’all.
Tayshia shared with Colton that her ex-husband had cheated on her, and Colton promised that if they ended up together in the end, he would never do such a thing to her. I mean, not counting Cassie and Hannah, of course. She accepted the fantasy suite card, but I was LEGIT CONFUSED with the background music they were playing.
Really. WHAT WAS THAT MUSIC? What exactly was the mood they were trying to set? It sounded like a Disney film and they were underscoring going on some type of jungle adventure or something.
We got a quick little tour of the suite which included a drawn bath (ew), some chairs “to drink coffee in the morning”, and what looked like a full size bed.
They fed each other some dessert, and then while doing a voice over about how there’s all this pressure that men put on themselves to perform in the bedroom, this happened. Bachelor editors really should win an Emmy or something. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
The next morning, the two were cozied up in bed, but our girl Tayshia looked sheepish. And maybe a little annoyed?
She classified the fantasy suite as…and I quote… “interesting”.
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
I MEAN, I DON’T WANT DETAILS, BUT I’M GONNA NEED DETAILS.
And then she told the cameras that they did NOT have have the physical intimacy that she had hoped they would have, but she did feel like she got to know the real Colton.
Colton told the cameras that he is is falling in love with Tayshia, but he’s not in love quite yet. And then they said their good-byes. For now, anyway.
CASSIE’S FANTASY SUITE…OR NOT
It was time for Cassie! We went from a nip slip with Tayshia to a turtleneck layered under a grandpa cardigan with Cassie. I was confused. I had outfit whiplash.
I mean, if outfits could talk.
Tayshia’s outfit said “Go ahead and just give me your virginity“. And Cassie’s outfit said, “You can keep it. I don’t want it.” That’s what they call foreshadowing, y’all.
They took off in a convertible (EYES ON THE ROAD, PAL) and then toured Portugal for a bit.
They made out. And he grabbed her hiney. #becausehealwaysgrabsCassieshiney
And then they made out in an alley. I was like PUSH HER UP AGAINST THE WALL, DUDE! There’s a huge wall right behind you! Take advantage of the scenery!
And he came thru for all of us with a nod to Arie.
They did the polka with some locals. #becausewhenin
They sat on a rooftop and talked, and Colton shared with her that even though he asked for her dad’s blessing, he did NOT receive it.
And this was Cassie.
Cassie was SHOOK. I mean, you could tell right then and there that she was probably OUT. She scolded him for not telling her during the hometown date,and you could tell she was realllllllllllllly upset. She was obviously very (some might say OVERLY) concerned about her dad’s feelings on the topic.
They cut to commercial, BUT Y’ALL ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE WHO SHOWED UP IN PORTUGAL after the commercial break.
WAIT FOR IT….Cassie’s dad.
And is it just me, or does he give off Footloose dad vibes? But instead of telling his community and church to NOT DANCE…He’s just going to tell his daughter to NOT MARRY.
Cassie didn’t know at first why he was there, but she was PUMPED to see him.
They sat down on the couch together, and Dad started to share his fears about the fact that he wasn’t sure if Cassie was ready. He said, “Do you love him?”
She said…………pause pause pause……….. “I think I do.” ……….pause pause pause……………… “Yeah.”
Her response was lukewarm at best.
She was 0% convincing.
Cassie shared that she needed more time, and how she has always loved hearing that her mom and her dad never had doubts about each other. She explained that she didn’t want to have doubts either, but she didn’t know if that would ever happen for her and she just didn’t know yet with Colton.
Dad said, “If you knew, you would know”.
Which I agree with TO A POINT. I mean, if you’ve been with a guy for 2 years and you still don’t know, I think THAT YOU ACTUALLY DO KNOW. You know?
These two have barely known each other for just a couple of months, so it’s totally okay for her not to be sure yet! Don’t y’all agree? I appreciate that her dad was trying to protect his baby girl from making a decision she would regret…but it seemed like she let him make the decision for her. #notcool
That night, as she was getting ready for the evening portion of their date, she said she had more clarity after talking to her dad, and she knew what she had to do. She said, and I quote, “I have to send myself home tonight“.
At the same moment, Colton was back in his fantasy suite, lighting candles and fantasizing about wiggling. And then he put the scarf on y’all.
I would recognize that jaunty red scarf anywhere. I mean, we’d seen it approximately 83 times over the last 8 weeks.
It was then that we all knew beyond a shadow of doubt that he was about jump over the fence. Because he was wearing his fence jump uniform.
When Cassie showed up that night, she showed up with a big smile (which confused me), but it didn’t last for long. Neither did Colton’s big toothy grin.
She shared that her dad had flown to Portugal, and then she started going on and on about how her parents never had questions about each other. And then she dropped the bomb and said to Colton “You know, after today, I feel like I’m not in love.” Colton was stunned.
She got up and walked off. She was crying to producers, saying that she was confused and didn’t know what to say.
AND Y’ALL. THEY CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
And that’s when I realized it was 8:33. How in the world were they going to fit in a fence jump, a missing person, AND Hannah’s date in the next 27 minutes?
Colton walked over to her and very sweetly said “Come here.” He held her and kissed her head as she told him that she didn’t want to be confused, but she was.
And then Colton said ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.
He said “I’m telling you, I’m okay with being patient.”
She kept on saying “I don’t know.”
He said “I don’t want to lose you…. It’s not easy going on dates with other women, when all I do is think about you…..The last thing I’m going to do is walk away from this relationship.”
He repeatedly let her know that he felt “It’s okay not to know“.
Cassie said, “I don’t know if it IS okay not to know“.
I really liked how Colton was handling this mess. He kept saying “It’s okay to take your time.” It was a very mature perspective, and he was treating Cassie with love and respect.
And I happened to agree with him! It was okay for her to not know!
He went on to say “There is NO PRESSURE. I care for you, I love you, and I want it to be you at the end of this. Engagement or not.”
Cassie said, “How do you say this with two other girls here”?
We’d all like to know that.
He responded with, “I feel that strongly about you. I LOVE YOU“.
I felt like Colton’s mama’s heart and my mama heart were both breaking for him.
And it was obvious that he loved her enough to break all sorts of Bachelor “rules”. I mean, he was not only telling her he loved her, he was also admitting that he didn’t love the other 2.
It was 8:44. #ticktock #ticktock
Back from break, Colton said, “I don’t care if you’re about to leave. I’m not going to stop fighting for you.”
Y’all! I can’t!
But Cassie responded with “Staying here would be the wrong decision for me“.
So that was it. At this point, I realized that Cassie probably wasn’t confused. If she was truly confused, I think she would have taken the opportunity to stick it out and see. I think she KNEW she didn’t love him, and she was just acting confused because that was easier to tell Colton.
They hugged and Colton said, “I want so much what’s best for you“.
Cassie responded with “I want what’s best for you too. I want you to be so happy. I want you to be with someone that’s insanely in love with you“.
And she explained that she just couldn’t stay there without knowing, that she couldn’t do that to him.
And he explained to her once again that he wasn’t expecting her to know then.
They had one last kiss.
And then she said “I’m gonna go.”
Which she followed with a super whiny, “Are you mad at me?”
UGH. CASSIE! QUIT BEING TWELVE!
At that point, I was over Cassie.
Colton headed back to his room, and behind closed doors we heard him say “I’m effing done with this“.
He walked angrily down the stairs. He shoved a camera. He threw off his mic pack. You heard producers buzzing around in the background. And then Harrison showed up, visibly worried.
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.
THE FENCE JUMP SEEN ROUND THE WORLD.
Colton turned into some sort of fence jumping ninja, jumped what had to be at least 8 feet in the air, and EFFORTLESSLY scaled the fence. In a single bound, y’all. It was what we had all been all been waiting for. And dare I say, it was worth the wait.
(Sidenote: During the Olympics one year, my friend Erika and I talked about how funny it would be if regular people tried to compete in the Olympic events. Like if a regular ol’ person off the streets tried to compete in the downhill slalom. Or the luge. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? Hahaha! Similarly, Erika and I would like to see regular people try to scale this wall. We decided we would catch like 6 inches of air before slamming into said wall.)
In utter disbelief AND AWE, Harrison said “He just jumped the f***ing fence“. My heart was breaking for Colton, but watching Harrison in that moment made me smile. He was astounded. And impressed. And it was funny.
Harrison knew he had to go find Colton, and he calmly asked “Is there a button that opens the gate“? I laughed out loud that it was a fully operational gate, but the impact wouldn’t have been nearly so jaw dropping if Colton would have just pressed a button to open the gate and then stood back as it took a solid 20 seconds to slowly swing open.
They found the button, and the gate finally had enough of a crack for ABC and the rest of America to slip right on through it. After getting to the other side, Harrison and the producers were calling Colton LIKE A DOG. Colton was not responding.
And then Harrison took off running.
Like in his cardi and his wing tips. Running. I’ve never found him more alluring.
They kept calling, running, and looking. But Colton was nowhere to be found.
I started wondering at what point they were going to issue an Amber Alert.
AND THEN WE GOT THIS…
We have to remember to breathe.
So my question is this:
HOW IN THE WORLD DO WE RECOVER FROM THIS?
I mean, we still have 6 more hours of t.v. time to fill!!!!!!!!!
Does Colton just head to an overnight date with Hannah as if nothing has happened? AS IF HE DIDN’T JUST SCALE A WALL?
Do the remaining girls still meet Colton’s family?
I was reeling.
I’ve even entertained the possibility that Cassie will return.
I just don’t understand how we are going to proceed, but I’ll tell you this..I CANNOT WAIT TO PRESS ON AND SEE WHAT THE WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
WELL DONE, ABC. WELL DONE. You spent the last 274 seasons building up moments that didn’t deliver. You have conditioned me (and dare I say, America) to think that although you are claiming it’s going to be THE MOST DRAMATIC WHATEVER, it is in fact NOT going to be dramatic at all (I’m looking at you bloody guy who fell out of the bunk bed).
But here. Today. March 3rd. MARK IT DOWN, Y’ALL.
You gave us DRAMA.
REAL. LIVE. CRAZY. DRAMA.
And I would like to put it out there that it was in fact MORE dramatic because we really didn’t believe that it was going to be dramatic.
SERIOUSLY WELL PLAYED.
Sound off in the comments! Leave your thoughts! How in the world do y’all think the remaining 6 HOURS OF T.V. are going to play out!?!
Before you go, two things!
1) If you only read here on Bachelor days, I want to make sure that you didn’t miss my post on neutral sandals! Click HERE if you want to read the post and see why I think neutral sandals are a necessity.
- cork slide sandal / 2. bow flip flop / 3. almond patent slide sandal / 4. rose gold havianas / 5. wedge sneakers / 6. ankle strap blush wedges / 7. blingy slide sandals / 8. crystal slides / 9. studded gold slides/ 10. espadrille wedges / 11. braided slide sandal / 12. raffia slide sandal / 13. peep toe wedges / 14. metallic sporty sandal / 15. snakeskin espadrille wedge / 16. perforated wedge sandal
2) One of my favorite dresses ever has been restocked (in a different color) AND IT’S ON SALE!
I. LOVE. THIS. DRESS.
It’s a beautiful color, it doesn’t wrinkle at all, and it’s crazy comfy.
It can easily be dressed up or down, and it will work for for so many different types of occasions.
AND GET THIS. IT’S ONLY $79!!!
I would say this dress definitely runs large. I often size up to a medium in dresses, so that’s what I ordered, but the medium swallowed me. The small was a much better fit, so I would suggest sizing down from your normal dress size.
See y’all back here tomorrow…..maybe. I can’t decide if I’m going to recap The Women Tell All or not. I watched like 30 minutes of it last night, but there was just a mind-numbing amount of screaming, and I just don’t know if I have it in me. My recap thus far would be 3 words: PEOPLE. ARE. CRAZY.