click HERE for Bachelor recaps from previous weeks.
You know you don’t want to miss Ben owning the runway.
#WERK
I have to say, before this episode even started I was all sorts of FIRED UP.
I mean, WAS HE GOING TO KICK OLIVIA TO THE EL CURBO OR NOT?
Part of me definitely wanted him to send her packing (the logical part that wants Ben to guard and protect his heart). But if we’re being honest, the part of me that likes to watch the crazy go down every week from 7:00-9:00, well that part of me wanted her to stay.
What can I say, the heart wants what it wants.
The episode opened with Ben putting the rose ceremony on hold and taking Olivia away for a quick chat. I remained conflicted on if I wanted her to stay or go.
But it took me all of 3.2 seconds to go from conflicted to being the campaign manager for
TEAM KICK OLIVIA OFF RIGHT NOW BEN, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS
HOLY KICK HER OFF!
Seriously, somebody needs to print up some t-shirts.
Or rent a billboard.
Or cross-stitch it on something.
Why did I change my tune so quickly?
Well, when Ben questioned Olivia about her relationship with the other girls in the house, she started off by saying things about how the other girls like to paint their nails and do their hair,
and that’s just not her.
First of all, WHATEVER.
And then she said this.
And this is a direct quote.
I can’t make this stuff up.
“I like reading books in my room and like THINKING. That’s what I do.
“I want to talk (really long pause) smart (pause) things.”
Ben was all like…uh huh….right….mm hmmm…
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many things.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. MANYYYYYYYYYYYYY. THINGSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
1)
I guess the smart things you want to talk about probably don’t include a conversation about correct grammar usage.
2)
Your “tears” aren’t real. Nobody believes them.
3)
Wipe that smug grin off of your face.
4)
Shut your mouth.
5)
And finally, shut your mouth.
And then, just when you thought you couldn’t dislike her more, during her 1:1 interview she said this.
Yes, she said those things. Those EXACT things.
And I’m wondering if this is what Olivia means by “talking smart.”
ROSE CEREMONY FROM LAST WEEK
The rose ceremony started with Olivia, Manda, and Lauren H. with roses.
Ben said something nice about how he values, enjoys, and appreciates each one of them.
Except for you Jenn, you’re going home.
Which makes me sad, mainly because we never found out what type of small business she owns.
Ben announces to all the women that they are going to the Bahamas.
I know what you’re thinking, YEAH, THE BAHAMAS! I’ve heard it’s beautiful there!
Well.
Let me just say this, the Bahamian Tourism Board is going to have to do some SERIOUS DAMAGE CONTROL after tonight’s episode.
Harrison showed up at the hotel with the date card and lets everybody know that there’s going to be a 1:1, a group date, and a 2:1.
Becca read the date card.
Who: Caila
What: Let’s see of our love is “reel”.
This left Leah broken-hearted because Caila was getting a second 1:1 before she was even getting her first. Ben sauntered in to pick Caila up for their date (most annoying spelling ever by the way) and Leah was visibly upset.
Everybody seemed to think it’s because she didn’t get the 1:1, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that Ben’s shirt was unbuttoned all the way down to his naval. Which is not okay.
Ben.
Either wear a shirt, or don’t.
Ben and Caila spent the day together fishing on a boat.
Caila’s miniature, and darling, and has the shiniest and bounciest hair ever.
After their day on the boat, they headed to dinner, and Caila spoke to Ben about her feelings.
They had a conversation, if you will.
I use the term “conversation” here loosely, because she might as well have been speaking Mandarin.
There were a lot of words coming out of her mouth, but no real and complete thoughts were being formed.
Words like:
“feel….love….confused…not ready….totally…completely…not right…hurt…afraid….but maybe?”
America, will you please join me in saying “HUH?”
She went on to say “Your greatest fear is being unlovable, and my greatest fear might be breaking your heart. It feels like I’m going to hurt you.”
Ben responded with a super insightful, “If you’re scared you might hurt me because you think you might not be ready, please tell me.”
UM.
Isn’t that what she JUST DID?
Like didn’t she literally just say those words?
Well, Ben was blinded by her darlingness and her shiny and bouncy hair, so he gave her a rose.
He then said “it’s almost attractive that she can be confusing.”
Yeah, Ben.
You won’t be thinking that 4 years into your marriage when the baby is keeping her up at all hours of the night and she tells you not to worry that she’ll get up with the baby for the 5th night in a row.
HEADS UP.
It would be easy to confuse that statement.
What she really means is, you better get up with the baby right this cotton pickin’ second or you won’t be getting any for the next month.
But I digress.
Group Date:
Who: Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., and Leah
What it says: Love is unpredictable.
When the names are read off the card, all the girls immediately realize that Olivia and Emily are going to be on the 2:1 together. Which is awesome.
After figuring this out, Olivia says, “I don’t wanna be with her. Emily, she’s just, she’s young. I don’t know, I mean, she’s like a bird. I mean I don’t even give a $#*#.”
Seriously.
Que?
Is ANYBODY making sense this episode?
The group arrived at a boat dock for their date.
JoJo ran up and hugged him, but we’ve still yet to see the classic run and mount.
They pulled up to shore and Ben announced that they were going to be swimming with and feeding pigs.
There was so. much. squealing.
And the pigs were making noise too.
Bah dum ching.
Let’s talk about the pigs for a second.
All I could think about was where the pigs were pooping and peeing.
I’m guessing pigs don’t excuse themselves for a restroom break…so in addition to swimming around with pigs (ew), I’m guessing they are also swimming around with pig poop (double ew).
There’s a lot of dates that the Bachelor franchise has thought up that I wouldn’t enjoy.
Top of the list is riding tractors in bikinis on a city street (Prince Farming’s season).
But this pig date is right up there.
I mean, just look at what happens to poor JoJo.
I would have FLIPPED OUT.
And then I too would have done my best to get the heck out of dodge.
After they ran around with the pigs for while, things got all sorts of awkward.
Things weren’t clicking for Ben with any of the girls.
But I was happy about one thing, we finally got a good glimpse of Ben’s tattoo.
It looks like it’s Proverbs 16:3, which says,
Commit to the LORD, whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.
I’m not a tattoo person (not that there’s anything wrong with being a tattoo person..I’m just not), but if the guy I’m dating or marrying is going to have a tattoo, a bible verse is a good choice in my book!
That night they had the group date cocktail party.
When Ben walked up he immediately admitted that he was well aware that the group date was not awesome.
He took Becca aside and and they had a good conversation.
Amanda was next. More of the same.
And then Leah.
In what seemed to be out of the blue and a total hail mary, Leah brought up the fact that Lauren B. wasn’t the same back at the house that she was with him.
Leah, Leah, Leah.
You are breaking one of the cardinal rules right now.
Others have broken it already this season when talking about Olivia, but that didn’t really count because Olivia is truly WHACK.
Lauren B. came up and unknowingly interrupted her very own bashing session, and for some reason, Ben felt the need to tell Lauren that one of the girls had been talking badly about her.
This obviously upset her.
When Becca asked Leah flat out if she said those things about Lauren, she said “No, I would never.”
Oh really, Leah? Because you just did. And in case you didn’t know this, you are ON FILM.
Amanda got the group date rose.
After they got back to the hotel, Leah decided to sneak away to see Ben.
She claimed “she didn’t want to talk badly about Lauren B.”, but then all she did was talk badly about Lauren B.
Bye, Leah.
The 2:1 Date Card Arrives.
2 Women, 1 Rose. 1 stays, 1 goes.
Let’s see what the Bahamas have in store for us.
Sidenote: Is this the correct grammar?
Is “Bahamas” really considered plural?
I mean, I would have said “Let’s see what the Bahamas HAS in store for us.”
Because I would have treated Bahamas as a singular noun.
Is the Bahamas a singular country or is a group of islands? Or is it both?
Anyhoo.
I’m looking forward to this date because the dynamic between Emily and Olivia is just about as bad as it can get.
Remember, Emily feels like she’s been “personally victimized” by Olivia (get in line, honey)….and Olivia just thinks of Emily as a bird and doesn’t give a s—.
Olivia also commented on how young Emily is.
Emily is 23.
AND SO ARE YOU OLIVIA.
I will say, I did give the side eye to Emily’s shorts.
I use the term “shorts” loosely here.
Emily called her sister and let her know that she and OMG OLIVIA were going to be on the 2:1 date together. And I’m left wondering if Haley has had to hire somebody to help her hold down the fort at Twin Enterprises while Emily is frolicking around in the Bahamas.
The 3 of them hop on a boat.
Where are your pony tail holders ladies?
A banana clip?
A chip clip?
A FLIPPING SRUNCHY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
And maybe a bobby pin for Ben.
Here’s the deal.
Let’s be honest.
Neither Olivia nor Emily is the girl for Ben.
But let’s go ahead and see how the date played out.
When being interviewed, Olivia said, “He knows my heart. Our love is all consuming, ever present, and constantly growing”.
She then goes on to say, “I’m very grounded. I’m very, like, in tune with my body. I like news and politics and religions, and deep intellectual things are my jam.”
And for like the 13th time this episode, America is scratching it’s collective head.
If all of that wasn’t bad enough, she then fires off an “I’m in love with you.”
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Olivia!!!!!!!!
I don’t even like you and it literally caused me physical pain to hear you say that.
Ben basically said “I’m glad you are comfortable enough to tell me that.“
Which, to a NORMAL person, would mean that he’s just not that into you.
But who knows what it means to Olivia in their secret love language.
He then grabbed the rose, and asked Olivia to go talk with him for a bit.
And he left Emily sitting by herself. See her back there in the picture above?
We all thought that he was going to give Olivia the rose, but NO M’AM!
He told her that while he appreciated her being able to share her feelings, that he did not reciprocate said feelings.
To say Olivia was shocked would be an understatement.
She was however able to pull it together in true news anchor fashion.
#theshowmustgoon
And they just left her there.
Like, Ben and Emily jumped into a speed boat and headed to what I can only assume is higher ground and some sort of shelter.
But they just left her there.
Alone.
In the middle of a hurricane.
The surf pounding against the shore.
In a crocheted swimsuit and booty shorts.
But don’t for one second think that the Bachelor producers didn’t request that their time in the Bahamas be spent there during Hurricane Season. Cuz that there is just good t.v.
Back at the hotel, Harrison waltzes in and tells the girls that Ben has cancelled the cocktail party and that they are just going to head straight to the rose ceremony.
I’m all like “SKIP THE ROSES CEREMONY AND HUNKER DOWN.
HURRICANE DRILL, LADIES!”
Emily, Caila, and Amanda already have roses.
Who gets roses:
Becca
JoJo
Lauren B.
Lauren H. (the KN teacher) goes home.
And I will leave you all with this…
THE REST OF THE SEASON APPEARS AS IF IT IS GOING TO BE
EPIC.
FOR REAL.
Before you go, a handful of things.
1)
If you didn’t see my SPRING BOOTIES post with UGG earlier this week, click HERE to read all about them (I think they are the PERFECT Spring bootie) and see me in the outfit laid out below!
ag skinny ankle jeans (ones linked are not distressed b/c mine are sold out) / v-back sweater
similar wrap bracelet / cushion cut bracelet/ tiger’s eye slab pendent / wood earrings / booties
So my Sweet Pea Kut from the Kloth denim jacket was the first PTMT MUST HAVE I ever named.
I’ve worn it now for 3 years straight, and I love it just as much now as I did when I first got it!
When at the mall last week, I tried THIS one on.
It’s from the same maker, but it’s just a dark wash.
For size reference, I’m wearing a small. It’s quite fitted (but it’s stretchy)…which is
exactly how I like it!
Well, I loved it and it came home with me, so you’ll be seeing it in plenty of future outfits.
jean jacket /happy camper tee sold out / $12 circle hoop earrings sold out /
wood horn pendant necklace / similar jeans / buckle booties c/o UGG, but also available at Nordstrom HERE (the color on the Nordstrom website says “Chestnut Suede”, but I think the “primer” color is what is actually available on the Nordstrom site.)
Click HERE for all washes available in the jacket.
For size reference, I’m wearing a small in both the sweater and the leggings.
Okay, That’s All!
See you girls back here on Friday!
xoxo,
Sheaffer 🙂
Anonymous says
Best Bachelor break down EVER. The still shots of the pigs sent tears rolling down my cheeks. Happy Wednesday
Tara says
Love, love, love your recaps! I would like to declare this year's Bachelorette season as the year of the jean booty shorts!! You know like the season on the the V-Neck shirt, and the season on the man scarf, etc. I always love reading on Wednesdays! Thanks!
Narci says
So, so funny as always!! Twin Enterprises–Love it!! Xo
Mix and Match Mama says
I could not stop watching this episode. It was mind blowing! Like right when I thought things couldn't get more weird…pigs galloped through the pristine ocean. And then when I thought things couldn't get worse…Leah starts vomiting up nonsense about Lauren B. It was a freaking crazy episode! Your recap was PERFECTION! I laughed out loud when you said "twin enterprise". Bahahahaha!
Erika Slaughter says
I was panicked for all those girls on the group date!! I'm not sure what I would have done! Maybe asked to wait it out on the boat?! Ugh! The pigs in the water totally freaked me out. And I loved what you said about Caila-hahahaha!
Mary Jorgensen says
I had the EXACT same thoughts about the pigs…where are they going to the bathroom? I could not get it out of my head!!! Once again, hilarious recap!!!
gina says
My family just vacationed at Grande Isle Resort in Exuma at Thanksgivng. We were supposed to swim with the pigs but the weather wasn't allowing that. I'm glad now. I about died laughing watching the girls swim with them…..too funny and a little scary! I knew when Ben asked Olivia to come with him he was going to give her the boot. Funny how they just left her there in the surf…….she deserved it though! Twin Enterprises…ha!
~Maggie~ says
Did you notice that Emily, indeed did have a hair tie on her wrist while in the hurricane!??! C'mon use the flipping hair tie. Let's be real.
I couldn't wait for your recap this week. Always on point.
Jessica Snider says
I laughed out loud when Becca she said she didn't know she was afraid of pigs until then because I totally felt the same way. I'm extra glad Chris didn't pick Becca because I can't imagine it's okay to be afraid of pigs when you're engaged to a farmer. Maybe she dodged another bullet there ;). Love your recaps!
Megan says
Haha. Good point!!
Angela Pino says
I was laughing the whole time during your recap. The conversations were so confusing this week but you broke them down perfectly! And Olivia's one-liners? PERFECTION! You can check out my recap here. xo
Jen says
Ahhhh I was hoping you would have mentioned how Olivia had her feet BURIED in the sand the whole time! I really want to see how bad those feet really are! ?
Anonymous says
So was I!
dresselfamily.blogspot.com says
After Mondays episode I thought I'd stepped onto the crazy train…it was crazy! The pigs…it had the same thought, we're they swimming in pig pee because ewww!
Olivia AKA ' come at me Bro'..well she is the crazy train, I have no words!
Leah can join Olivia..cray cray
And Becca..well Becca can give me her dress from the rose ceremony..not that I could fit it lol
And dud anyone else notice how stunning the lanterns were I think it was on cailas abd Bens dinner date..if you can call it a 'dinner' because it seems no one takes a bite, what the heck!
Paige @ Reasons to Come Home says
Did you catch the part where Ben was talking about the group date and he said something along the lines of how the girls were playing with the pigs and letting them chase them around? I'm pretty sure they were running in horror, not letting them chase them like a puppy!
Jill B says
Oh my gosh this was the best episode ever! Fantastic recap. "And maybe a Bobby pin for Ben" ha! I am dying to see how the rest of the season plays out and what happens in the last episode when he says he's in love with two of them?!?
Miki says
So funny!! If Olivia didn't go this time, I'd volunteer to be your co-campaign manager. Love your recaps!
Hannah -Lugimom Blog- says
Hysterical recap! This may be my favorite thing besides the show itself. You say all the things I am saying in my head while watching!!
Kristen Richardson says
so hilarious! thank you again for making me roll with laughter! also, i think a few weeks ago they showed olivia painting her nails! so wtf oliva! haha and i am still direly awaiting the classic run and mount. i'm 100% sure we will see that on hometown week. the run and mount is a hometown staple 🙂
Kristin Stewart says
Super weird episode. With his quick grab of Olivia, I knew he was sending her packing. Well, sending her standing on the beach while the drone circles the island and lots of crew members hide behind rocks.
Becca. I still love her but did NOT love her choice of bikini. Girl has an amazing body but it made her look all wonky and lumpy where she so is not.
I love that you do grammar checks. Love it!
Megan says
This was the weirdest bachelor episode ever. So much funky dynamic going on. I'm wondering if any girl will cut it for him. But then again he appears to be madly in love with two at the end
Anna says
Most annoying part of this episode: Emily had a hair tie on her wrist the entire time!
Shelley Watson says
Hilarious!! I am new to your blog and a new fan! You took the words right out of my mouth with your recap! I'll be tuning in every week for sure.
Christy says
The whole show was a little dreary, possibly bc of Hurricane Bachelor but, seriously those girls had PTSD (Pig Traumatizing Stress Disorder) after that little jaunt. I don't know that any of them still could be perky after that.
Also, how possible would it be for you to link us up to some of the fashion (not the Jean booty shorts) that are ASOB (As Seen on Bachelor)? Love Caila's earrings! #❤️mesomeshaeffer
Kelli says
You are hilarious!! I laughed out loud when you asked to get Ben a bobby pen!! hahahaha And I also hope Haley can handle Twin Enterprises. lol
I attempted to recap this episode too
http://modgehodgepodge.blogspot.com/2016/02/bachelor-ben-in-bahamas.html
Anonymous says
I am dying to know what products Caila uses on her hair because I have never seen anything like it….whose hair stays that perfect in heat, humidity, and salty air?!!? Any chance you could use tour Bachelor connections to do some investigating and help us all out?
Sarah E @ theteacherswife.com says
Another amazing recap! You are right on with you comments about Ben and how he likes confusing- I laughed out loud because every married man knows that gets old real fast. 🙂
Rachel S says
That "bobby pin for Ben" comment made me snort my coffee! Okay, swimming with pigs…. one of the only things that could completely ruin a gorgeous tropical beach. I'm pretty sure I'd choose swimming with jellyfish over swimming with pigs. How gross. I can only imagine how the girls getting pawed at by the pigs felt toward the producer who came up with that date!
Keisha Dawson says
My week has been crazy, so I haven't gotten to watch the episode yet! I had to laugh hysterically very quietly so not to disturb the whole office. I just LOVE your recaps!
Colleen Anne says
Ohhh the piggies…they are so FUN…from a BOAT!! I've been over to this Island twice, we vacay on a nearby Island (10ish min boatride from where we stay to the piggies) that is pure paradise so I was VERY JELLY these girls were soo close it! You bring up a great question about the ocean, YES the water is DISGUSTING, however the camera did a GREAT job of hiding it, but that is 100% why I never got out of the boat, I was NOT getting in that water! Also they are SUPER aggressive! As soon as they hear the boat coming they swim on out and meet you at the boat, no need to hop out they will come straight to you and you can stay….clean 😉 hahaha! Love your recaps! When every episode ends I think "Wednesday & Sheaffer's recap is so far away how will I make it lol 🙂
Hollie MacMillen says
This summary was RIGHT on! There were so many times this week when I wanted to say, "Wait. What?". I literally paused the show to repeat Olivia's "talk…smart" comment to my husband. And Leah? I can't even. It IS going to be epic, and I can't wait – for the show and for Wednesdays to read your comments. 🙂
Jodi says
I was laughing so hard in the after takes. Did you see the baby bat aka butterfly drama? It was hilarious! If you missed it go back and watch, it's worth it!
Elisa Newland says
when leah went back to pack and roll out, how did the producers NOT show the reaction of the other girls (besides KN teacher). Like if someone blatantly lied, then got called out and given the boot. I'd like to see ALL those reactions.
I missed seeing the hair tie on Emily's wrist – 10 pts for being observant ladies!
Alissa Gauvin says
"Where are your pony tail holders ladies?
A banana clip?
A chip clip?
A FLIPPING SRUNCHY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
And maybe a bobby pin for Ben."
Bahahahahaha! Your recap is amazing as always!
Jennifer {How To Travel Tour Guide} says
That was the best recap of the season! I was rolling on the still shot of JoJo bolting from the pig. That was brilliant on your part! However, I couldn't help but notice that, even when being hunted down by a chicken-hot-dog-loving-pig, her side-boob made another perfectly timed cameo. You've got to give it to her, girl knows how to work the side-boob!
Anonymous says
My sister and I were watching and thought you for sure you would mention how Olivia had her feet buried in sand up to her ankles when Ben first pulled her aside on the 2 on 1! Hilarious that we watch it anticipating what your recap will be!
Cristina Pennington says
I LOVE your recaps. Feel the EXACT same about what's going to happen the rest of the season. Almost had tears in my eyes when he was crying over who he was going to ask to marry him ??
Anonymous says
This season's short jean booty shorts are past season's V-neck, scarf and statement necklace.
Meghan McClellan says
Ha! I love all your recaps, but this one is spot on. The part about Caila being "confusing" to Ben had me cracking up. It's all fun and games until he's trying to figure out what "I'm fine." really means. Disclaimer: she's not fine.
-Meghan
meghanandjohnathon.blogspot.com
Heather Connelly says
I absolutely love my Kut from the Kloth denim jackets! I am totally a jacket girl and have the sweet pea, dark wash you showed today, medium wash, and white denim. I love them all!
Summer Smith says
Well, I definitely picked the wrong season to decide not to recap the show! So. Much. To. Say. I kind of thought it would be a snoozefest….Wrong! You sum up every week perfectly. Why do they never have hair ties?
xo, Summer
http://www.belleandgrace.blogspot.com
Paula says
Visiting a farm, proper CLOTHES (not bathing suits), BOOTS (knee high preferably), gates, some feed, I can get on board with pigs! A beautiful destination, beach, bathing suits, no shoes (I freak out about where I am stepping-I wear flip flops in my house because crumbs freak me out) AND PIGS! ! I AM OUT! JUST OUT!
Cassie {Hi Sugarplum} says
Ohmygosh…another hilarious recap!!! I pray this show never cancels because I don't know what I'd do without these!!!!
Farryn says
You're just hilarious… And amazing and this recap is great!!!! Harrison totally needs to invite you be on the after the rose show!
Sarah Kuykendall says
I love your recaps!! Did you notice that Emily was tan/orange but her feet were white???
Spirt Mom says
I hate to burst your bubble, but I work in a high school and the biggest thugs in our school have Bible verses or crosses tattooed! It doesn't mean anything to them.
Tamara Rodrigues says
This recap was hysterical! Emily's comment so reminded me of: "How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by Regina George?"
Natalie says
I love your recaps! So funny. It brings my Bachelor watching to a whole new level!