Did you see last week’s recap? If not, you need to take some time to do a little catching up!
In Part 1, Heather and Colton gave off some serious Little Mermaid vibes when cruising Thailand waters. At one point, I was ready to take one for the team and just kiss her myself.
Click HERE for Part 2. Colton took Cassie to a “private island”. And they had quite a time there. Even though there were no palm trees. Or drinks. Or cabana boys. Or umbrellas. Or bathrooms. OR NACHOS.
But don’t worry, they made do on the glorified sand bar.
Purely FYI: If I’m being taken to a “private island”, I expect a minimum of 2 of the items listed above. I mean, come on Harrison. It’s just good manners.
Okay! Let’s get started on this week!
If you remember, last week ended with Onyeka and Nicole having a very spirited argument, Colton walking up on them, and then walking away from both girls and walking down the beach while experiencing high levels of frustration and annoyance. Again, if there had been a 10 foot wall on the beach, I’m certain he would have scaled it. But there was no wall in sight. I know this because I looked for it. I looked for it realllllllllllllly hard.
So this week opened with Colton still walking on the beach.
Harrison showed up with a very wise “you seem pissed“. And Colton was like “yeah“.
Onyeka and Nicole headed back to the group of girls after their scuffle, and Onyeka kept on badgering Nicole. She was like “Nicole, you say I bully you. How. How. HOW. Why. WHY. Tell me exactly how I bully you. Why do you think I’m a bully. How could you say I’m a bully?”
Ummmmmmmm. Okay, Onyeka. I think it’s time for a bit of self examination. When you get home (and I’m pretty certain right now that you’re about to go home), I hope you watch this footage and see that you do in fact have some bully like tendencies.
Still. Nicole needed to stop playing the victim.
In my opinion, it was time for both of those ladies to go.
ROSE CEREMONY #1
Who already had roses: Miss Alabama Hannah, Finally Been Kissed Heather, and We Hope She’s Going to Fix His /s/ Cassie
Who got roses: Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa and her bandaid, Demi, Hannah G., Katy (WHO?), and Sydney
Which meant that Onyeka and Nicole were both going home.
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM
The group was now in Vietnam, and all the girls that hadn’t yet had a 1:1 were clamoring for time! Who was going to get it?!?
Hannah G, We really knead this date. – Colton
I’m going to be honest, I thought they were going to be making bread in Vietnam. Which was an odd choice.
But nope, they were going to have a couple’s spa day!!!
They got face masks and wrapped up in banana leaves, and Colton 100% checked her out when she disrobed before getting wrapped up in the leaves. As evidenced by his goofy grin, he liked what he saw.
He said, “you look like a sushi roll“. And then he told the camera “I would definitely eat that sushi roll.”
And America was all…
The happy couple settled in for what I thought was going to be a day of pampering and relaxation, but I was wrong.
First this happened. #aggressive
And then this.
And then this.
It was a lot.
I mean, I’m not totally sure he’s still a virgin. #ikid #butwhoah
Hannah said, “I really love being intimate with Colton. I get lost in the moment and I can’t control myself.”
They headed to dinner that night, and they both shared that their favorite part of the date was showering. Hannah was like “I like showering.” And Colton was like “Me too! I like showering!” It was very reminiscent of the pizza/puppies conversation with Phoebe and her mom. #stopit #nowyourejustfreakingmeout
Colton was ready to really get to know Hannah, but she shared that opening up “wasn’t her jam”. However, she knew she had to share something and appear vulnerable, because BACHELOR. So she dug deep, y’all. She started talking about the fact that her dad loved his lawn. Like he really loved his lawn. Like he cut it like 3 times a week he loved it so much.
I wasn’t sure where we were going with this, but she continued to make it abundantly clear that her dad really enjoyed a nicely manicured lawn.
Then the story took a turn. Wait for it….. Her mom drove over her dad’s meticulously cared for lawn.
I mean, yes…they got a divorce….and she and Colton bonded over their parent’s divorces. But the mom driving over the lawn was the central point of her story. I will say that I wouldn’t mind seeing some type of Ring doorbell footage of the said event.
That’s all Colton needed. Just a sad lawn story. He told the cameras, “After tonight, I can definitely say I’m falling in love with Hannah.”
Group Date: Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie (WHO?), Hannah B. Sydney, and Demi
Are you ready to fight for love?
Grab your Zella and lululemon, girls! It’s time to spar!
(Sidenote: That meant Kirpa got the 1:1! And nobody was more surprised than Kirpa, except maybe Demi. Demi started “crying”. Not that we can be totally sure because we didn’t actually see a tear…but we were definitely led to believe that she was crying. All I know is that she was fake crying at the very least. And she still gets some credit for that, ya’ know?)
The group headed to an arena where they got to watch Colton “fight” with some professionals. Do you see Onyeka? I’ve now given you several examples of how to use a proper air quote. Are you catching on? I will say that he pulled off a very well rehearsed combat scene. I was impressed.
And then it was time for the girls to take turns on each other. They got suited up in their cute little suits and some headgear before they were paired up to fight.
At first there were some punches, but there was way more giggling and squealing.
But my favorite part
of the show of my day was when our beloved Chris Harrison was acting like he understood what his Vietnamese counterpart was saying. He kept on nodding like he got it. Like he understood everything that was being said. I was legitimately almost believing that Harrison did in fact understand (and possibly even speak) Vietnamese. His eyebrow raises and his nods were very convincing. It was hysterical.
Two rounds had been completed, and then Katie and Demi were next. And Katie didn’t come to play. The girl was savage. It was intense. She hit Demi square in the face, but later apologized saying she “didn’t mean to”.
And this was Colton.
I mean, he took the girls to a group date to fight, and then he was shocked and appalled when they actually fought. It actually made him uncomfortable enough that he called it. No more fighting, y’all.
That night at the group date cocktail party, all the girls were realllllllllly needy. Tayshia shared that it had been a hard week for her. Colton reassured the heck out of her and then thought it would be best to prove his love with his tongue.
Katie had some time with him, and she did the whole cry/talk thing where they had to use subtitles. But as soon as she reassured her, the tears dried right on up. I would like to point out that he he reassured her by saying “Don’t think for a second that I don’t think you’re not trying.” I mean, I don’t even know how to decode that.
And Katie, CALM DOWN. I didn’t even know your name until the last 5 minutes of last week’s episode. And the writing was on the wall, y’all. Where he chose to reassure Tayshia with his tongue, he chose to reassure Katie with a somewhat formal side hug.
Miss Alabama Hannah plopped down on a blanket with Colton and was a little over-excited. I feel like she’s always a little over-excited, yes? And maybe has a problem with personal space, yes? She said “I want you to see what you’ll be getting with me. It’s a bunch. I’m kind of complicated. And weird. And fun. And maybe sometimes cute and sexy, but not all the time.” As long as she was being transparent, she probably should have said, “Full disclosure here, sometimes I growl. And make scary monster faces.”
Sydney sat down with Colton and was totally confrontational asking him “is there a reason you’re not taking me on a 1:1?” and if he could really see himself with her at the end.
Sydney. I would like to politely suggest for you to join Kathy and also CALM DOWN. #hesjustnotthatintoyou
Demi and Colton had some time together, and wait for it……THEY CALLED HER MOM. Her freshly out of the federal pen mom. This was going to be the first time she had talked to her mom OUT OF PRISON in years. I was already feeling super uncomfortable that this was going down on National t.v…..and then when her mom answered, she called her “Mommy”.
No. Just no. Don’t say “Mommy”.
Mom and Mamma are both acceptable. Mommy is not.
Colton was sweet to participate in this incredibly personal occasion, and he made some really good small talk.
Then Sydney was back with Colton again. I guess she didn’t take my polite CALM DOWN suggestion to heart. And then the next thing I knew, she was telling him that it was her time to go. I actually respected her for taking herself out. But don’t worry, she couldn’t leave without throwing some shade at the other girls. She told him that there were in fact some great girls remaining, but she warned him not to be distracted by “shiny things”.
I’m not sure if I’m just incredibly dense, but I can’t figure out who Sydney things is “bad shiny”.
Names, Sydney. We need names. We don’t want general shade. We want highly specific shade. Toss it around like glitter.
Tayshia got the group rose.
Kirpa’s 1:1 DATE
First of all, HER CHIN HAD HEELED! I can’t remember if I talked about it here or not, but I did find out that Kirpa’s chin injury was a result of trying to take a selfie in front of the ocean and falling on a slippery rock. Selfies are hard, y’all.
She attempted to straddle hem, but she lacked momentum I think. It was lackluster at best.
Colton knew that Kirpa and Sydney were friends, so he explained to her that she left because they had just “bolth been really struggling to get there” with each other. Yep, he inserted an “l” into “both” where it didn’t need to be.
CASSIE. Pull out your articulation assessment and make a note.
They went spearing for sea urchins and looked really good together on the boat.
They headed to dinner, and she was smokin’ hot in a black jumpsuit. It was a peek-a-boobie jumpsuit. #seewhatididthere
I love a black jumpsuit, and here are some favorites right now! Just click on what you are interested in.
He asked her about her previous engagement, and she said they had just gotten so comfortable with each other that they had become stagnant. The boyfriend was a virgin, so that’s one of the reasons she was okay with Colton being one. And that’s when Colton again reiterated that he wasn’t waiting based upon any religious beliefs, only until he had fallen in love. We get it, Colton. You are primed and ready.
She shared that she could definitely see herself engaged at the end of this (if they kept progressing), so she got the rose.
Demi decided she needed to go see Colton. But whereas Elyse put on her best evening gown and pulled her hair back in a low chignon, Demi broke out her push up bra, some shorty shorts, a crop top, and her T3.
It was obvious he was excited to see her when he opened the door, but the tides turned pretty quickly. When they sat down, she flat out said “I am falling in love with you.” Oh, sweetie. Bless your heart.
He gave her a kind of 1/2 smile and said “I appreciate you saying that, I really do.” UH OH.
He explained that he just didn’t see himself getting there with her, and that he liked her too much to put her through a rose ceremony.
If he was being honest, he might have said, “Well, I liked you until I heard you call your mom ‘mommy’.” I’m certain that had something to do with it. But I tell ya, I was CRUSHED. I wanted to meet Mommy so bad. She actually sounded darling on the phone.
He walked her out, and when she went back to grab her stuff, she cried a bit with Miss Alabama Hannah and Hannah G. And then she put on the world’s tiniest backpack and hit the road.
Don’t worry, Demi. This isn’t goodbye. It’s just goodbye for now.
SEE YOU IN PARADISE!
ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY
J/K . Colton didn’t need a cocktail party. They were headed straight to the rose ceremony.
2nd ROSE CEREMONY OF THE NIGHT
Two rose ceremonies in one night? This is uncharted territory y’all.
Who already had roses: Hannah G, Kirpa, and Tayshia
Who already left: Sydney and Demi
Who got roses: Hannah B., Caelynn, Cassie, and Heather
That meant Katie was headed home. Which I was fine with. I mean, I’m still not sure who she is.
But on her way out, she told Colton to “be smart” about who he picks.
Y’all. This sent Colton reeling.
Sydney told him to “not be distracted by shiny things” and alluded to the fact that there were some girls that weren’t there for the right reasons. And Colton said he thought she was talking about Demi.
And then when he let Demi go, Demi alluded the same. And Colton wasn’t sure who she was talking about.
And now Katie was putting doubts in his head about the remaining women.
I don’t know about y’all, but I’m quite sure this type of confusion might cause somebody to jump over a 10 foot fence. In a single bound.
That’s it for this week, y’alll!
But listen! The real story of this week’s episode was the 60 second preview of NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE. And I’m not just saying this…but I’m thinking it might actually be the most dramatic episode yet. Not only does he FINALLY jump over the fence, but Harrison cusses, and you hear a girl yell out “WHAT IS HAPPENING” in a terrified and screechy voice. And I’m sure the producers are just messing with us, but they’re making it look like Cassie goes home. Which I don’t believe. AND it shows Miss Alabama Hannah meeting his family in a crop top. AND it looks like there’s maybe an ex-girlfriend or something?
I can hardly wait.
Sound off in the comments, y’all! Who do you think the final 2 are going to be?!? I don’t even care that they are trying to make us think that Cassie is gone, I think Hannah (the sushi roll) and Cassie are the final 2. Do y’all agree?
Before you leave today, have a couple of SALES to talk about! If you’ve been following along for a bit, you know that last November I collaborated with several other bloggers and Gibson to create a line of fancy tops at Nordstrom (that are now all 40% OFF). Click HERE for the behind the scenes post at the L.A. photo shoot and click HERE for the collection release.
It’s going in and out of stock and there are only a limited number of sizes available, but you can find my top HERE. Depending on how you style it, it’s definitely a year round top. In most of my professional shots I was wearing a pair of boyfriend jeans. I continue to get questions about these jeans, and the exact pair is sadly sold out. HOWEVER, there are several versions of this jean still available, and a couple of them are on sale!
Also on sale…
This peplum top. It’s a basic long sleeve crew neck with some flare! The peplum hem is very flattering, and it’s great on it’s own and layered. And y’all. It’s ON SALE for ONLY $19.90! It’s perfect for Spring!
And here I am wearing the top in several different outfits. I’m telling you, it’s a good one, y’all! I’m in a small.
See y’all on Friday!