Hey, Ladies! Week 3 is already here, and OMG the girl drama in full swing. Get excited.
But before we get to this week, let’s take a walk down memory lane just in case you missed anything. Click HERE for the season premiere, where I crowned a sloth the winner.
Click HERE for last week’s recap, where we all learned that we need to have a memorized toast in our back pockets just in case the occasion arises.
This week started with the girls discussing how last week was hard because Colton was dating other girls right in front of all of their faces. UM, YEAH. This is how this thing works, y’all. #putonyourbiggirlpanties #thisisthebachelor
Harrison dropped by the mansion to let the ladies know that this week there would be 2 group dates and 1 amazing 1:1.
First Group Date: Katie, Never Been Kissed Heather, Miss Alabama Hannah, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, Caelyn
I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.
So did you notice? The two pageant queens are on this group date TOGETHER. And if you don’t recall (of course you do), they had a falling out when Caelynn beat Miss Alabama Hannah when competing for Miss USA, and Miss Alabama Hannah did not like that. Not at all. Or so we’ve been told by Caelynn. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
And you know who else is on the date? Tracy and Demi. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
This is gonna be good, y’all.
They arrived at a theater (of sorts) where Colton was dressed as a pirate and standing on the crow’s nest (yes, I had to google that) of a pirate ship. He took part in some pirate drama, “fought” two other pirates, and the girls went wild.
Then it was time for the girls to prove their love by showcasing their pirating abilities. As one does.
So they got all dressed up in some questionable pirate attire and competed with each other for the final 2 spots to fight for alone time with Colton that night. For the record, I think they were just acting like American Gladiators in pirate costumes.
Tracy and Caelynn were the final 2, and because of this, Miss Alabama Hannah admitted that she was starting to spiral. I have to admit that I was pumped, because I love a good spiral. In the end, Caelynn was the one that won the competition, and I was hoping that would push Hannah to the edge and the girl would officially start spiraling. Everybody chant it with me “Spi-ral! Spi-ral! Spi-ral!”
This is how Miss Alabama Hannah felt about it all. Interestingly enough, this also illustrates how I feel about Miss Alabama Hannah’s attitude. I think it’s safe to say the girl is not going to be bringing home any Miss Congeniality titles anytime soon.
And good news, y’all. She did in fact immediately begin the spiraling process.
Miss Alabama Hannah decided that she was going to need to save Colton from mean ol’ Miss North Carolina by letting him know ALL her thoughts about her arch nemesis. I knew it wasn’t a good move on her part because she was going to be breaking one of the most important unwritten rules of Bachelor world: DON’T TALK TRASH ON ANOTHER GIRL TO THE GUY. Why, you ask? Well, this unwritten rule was established early on in Bachelor world for several reasons: 1) it ALWAYS makes you look desperate, 2) it ALWAYS makes the bachelor question your intentions, and 3) it almost always ends with the girl that is initiating the trash talking eventually getting the boot.
That night they headed to Big Daddy’s Antique Store (random) for drinks and conversation. And as previously mentioned, trash talking. With a side of self sabotage. I’m looking at you Miss Alabama. Oh, and the night also involved some spanking, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
When Colton was having his first 1:1 time with one of the girls, some other girls were sitting around casually
chatting pressing each other’s buttons.
Demi was telling the girls how they shouldn’t assume that they know Colton’s type (based upon the roses that he’d given out previously), and Tracy seemed to be bothered by the language “his type”. She of course felt the need to let Demi know that, and then Demi said : “Well I can’t imagine like if I was an older girl, and I was surrounded by younger women, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I would feel. Like I would be pissed.”
Tracy is 31. She’s not 81.
Demi then told Tracy that she felt like she was being passive aggressive towards her and attacking her. And Tracy was all “okay”.
And Demi ended it by saying “I feel so bad for you.” She then explained further how all of the the younger girls (including her) are so beautiful, so of course Tracy is freaking out.
I can’t with this one. I think she’s ridiculous.
But I’m here for it.
Demi went in for her alone time. She said, AND I QUOTE, “Every time I smell you I’m like mmmmmmmm” while audibly moaning. And to be honest, Colton looked both excited and petrified. I understood both emotions.
While alone together, she ran the gamut: she cussed, she blindfolded him, she spanked him (with a piece of wood that looked like it would make a perfect charceuterie board), she did her freaky little laugh, and then she caressed his body with a fake hand and got awkwardly close to his nether regions (while he was still blindfolded).
Here’s the deal, y’all. Demi is never going to be the final girl standing, but she’s adding plenty of highlights to her Bachelor In Paradise audition tape. #wellplayed You know that had to be her end goal in the first place.
Demi told the cameras “I’m the only who who challenges Colton, and I excite him and I make him nervous.” I’m SO CONFUSED by this. I mean, I think we can all agree that she makes him nervous. But how does she think she is challenging him? I want answers.
And then it was time for his alone time with Caelynn. He apologized for their seriously awkward kiss earlier (in the pirate drama), and he said he wanted to do it over. So he did.
Never Been Kissed Heather then encouraged Miss Alabama Hannah to tell Colton if she really felt that Caelynn was wrong for him. That’s all it took. Just a tiny little nudge. Hannah then told the cameras that she was “befumbled” and “shook” by his interest in Caelynn. At least, I think she said “befumbled”. I had to replay it around 17 times before finally arriving at “befumbled”. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she meant to say “befuddled”, which is a verb that means “unable to think clearly”. Yes, this has to be what she meant.
AND THEN SHE DID IT.
She told Colton something was bothering her and she just had to tell him. She informed him that she and Caelynn used to be friends, but then they had a falling out and haven’t really talked to each other since. “I was just in a high stress situation with her and it was the most hostile environment I’ve ever been in.”
A hostile environment? Those are big words. And I have to say, I’m not buying what she’s selling. Mainly BECAUSE SHE GAVE HIM NO SPECIFICS. NOT A ONE.
He then started playing twenty questions with her: was she mean? manipulative? fake?
She didn’t answer verbally at all, she just kind of shrugged and nodded in agreement. And looked at him with freaky eyes. Please see Exhibit A below.
And then she said “If you like that, then you won’t like me.”
He ended the conversation abruptly and you could tell that she was FREAKING. She even forced a peck on his lips during her freak out, but he didn’t really kiss her back. And her eyes almost popped out of her head. When walking away she even muttered something about how he hated her now. I hate to say “I told you so”, BUT I TOTALLY TOLD YOU SO. (I was wrong, I didn’t hate it.)
Colton walked right back into the group and asked Caelynn if they could talk. He straight up asked her what the deal was between her and Miss Alabama Hannah. She wasn’t specific at all either, but she started crying what seemed to be very real tears. She explained that things had happened in her life that she plans on sharing with him, but just not yet.
Is all of this related? WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED AT MISS USA?
I would like to call upon all my followers. If you know somebody who is associated with the Miss USA pageant and/or knows one of these gals, THROW US A BONE. Miss Lousiana? Miss Texas? Miss Rhode Island? COME ON! SOMEBODY FESS UP AND TELL US WHAT WENT DOWN.
And then he gave Caelynn the group date rose.
And then Miss Alabama Hannah internally exploded.
1:1 Date Elyse
Love is in the air.
First off, I would like to mention that Elyse is 31.
And because of that I would like to say a big fat TAKE THAT, DEMI!
They hopped in a helicopter and headed to Belmont Park, an amusement park.
He broke it to her that it wasn’t going to be a 1:1 date as planned, but a group date. Just when she was on the edge of being hella annoyed, a ton of kids ran around the corner that were from a local Children’s hospital.
And hold on to your ovaries, ladies… because Colton was in his element. Watching him with the kids was enough to make even the strongest of ovaries quiver. He was so sweet and so incredibly natural around all of the kids. You could tell that he loves kids, and kids love him too. I was realllllllllly digging the man during this date.
Colton and Elyse jumped on a roller coaster by themselves, he had them stop it at the top, and he kissed her and told her what a great time he had with her and the kids. It was a nice little moment.
That night they headed to a private dinner, and they were totally vibing. The conversation flowed naturally, and you could tell that they really liked each other. Colton complimented Elyse on her confidence and independence, which led her to share with him about losing her sister several years back. It was a truly heartbreaking story. The sister was pregnant with her 2nd baby when they found a cancerous tumor, and the sister focused on delivering a healthy baby, which meant she wasn’t able to participate in a lot of treatment and ended up passing. After her sister’s passing, her family started a charity. These two are peas in a charitable pod. I like them together and think they would make quite a team. But do you know what I would like even more? Elyse as Bachelorette.
He gave her the rose and then they swayed back and forth during a concert with Tenille Arts. I don’t know who she is, but I do know that I like her lipstick.
Group Date: Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin
For every strong man, there’s an even stronger woman.
The next date began with a shirtless Colton. Cue the high pitched squeals.
Terry and Rebecca Crews were waiting for them all in a warehouse and they started leading different exercises to warm everybody up for some very strenuous competition. In case you didn’t know, this is a date that I would not be thrilled about. Spandex AND working out? No thank you.
And then Sydney showed Colton how flexible she is.
Spoiler Alert: the girl is very flexible. And just in case your eyes are playing tricks on you like mine were, that’s her hyper extended foot down there. #calmdowneverybody
The stretching spectacle prompted Cassie to declare that Colton “was not a stretching virgin anymore”. #truethat
After the warm ups, they all headed into an arena and competed in front of a crowd for the title of Colton’s Strongest Woman. Activities included pushing a lot of weights around that had been fashioned into a wedding cake, a ring flip (flipping a tire), and a limo pull…which is exactly what it sounds like. And yes, Caitlin appeared to pull a limo. #beastmode
There were 3 finalists, and they had to race with Colton’s heart (a REALLY heavy weighted ball) and then put it on a pedestal. Onyeka won.
That night, there were a lot of good talks, but Cassie (the speech therapist) stood out the most to me. They kissed against a window, had some flirty conversation, and I liked them together. And I must also mention again that I like that she possesses the skills necessary to help him correct his interdental /s/. And /sh/. And /ch/. (To all my SLP friends, he seems to be stimulable, because I feel like he sneaks out accurate productions every so often! I mean, the sounds are definitely emerging. I feel quite confident he could make the sounds at the word level with just a little bit of modeling and direction, yes? Time to generalize to phrases, sentences, and then natural conversation. Somebody create a quick IEP, m’kay?)
Next he sat down with Caitlin. He gave her a chance to open up, but she fell short. Woefully short.
Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin. Don’t you know that you’re supposed to come to The Bachelor armed with some sort of story that endears the bachelor to you and leaves him vulnerable putty in your hands? Well, she forgot to pack that story. And apparently the ability to pull a limo means nothing these days. #liveandlearn
I was just glad she got to ride in the rejection SUV instead of pull it.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME POOL PARTY TIME
Harrison popped in to talk about how things got real this week when Colton let Caitlin go. He then broke the news that there wouldn’t be a cocktail party. But don’t worry rose lovers, there’s 30 minutes left, so we are going to get a pool party instead.
And a pool party is just a cocktail party in tiny swimsuits.
Let’s take a minute to gawk over the 31 year old’s body. Ai-Chi-Wa-Wa.
The group shed their clothes, Colton shed his shirt, and they all started hanging by the pool.
He talked to several girls, including the other Hannah. Remember that Hannah’s job description is “content creator” and I wondered what exactly that was? Well, I had several readers message me to point out that Hannah models over on this site where I know many of you already love to shop! They carry my $55 sunglasses in black (and that’s Hannah wearing them!), and I love the following: this relaxed sweater, these cropped jeans, this white sundress (that would be so cute under the soft yellow denim jacket on Monday’s post), this pink white and grey cardi, and this THML embroidered dress (also on Hannah)!
He explained to her that he didn’t include her in any dates that week only because he was confident in their relationship. Hannah was fresh faced and appeared to handle the situation very maturely, even though she still looks 13 on a good day.
Just on the outskirts of the pool party, Miss Alabama Hannah was talking with Never Been Kissed Heather. And I’ve decided that Heather might not know how to kiss a boy, but she sure does know how to stir a pot.
Hannah explained that if the relationship kept progressing between Caelynn and Colton that she was going to start raging and let the “beautiful monster” that lives inside of her out. She seriously said that. And then she did this growl/hiss combo thing.
It wasn’t attractive.
It wasn’t representative of the values upheld by Miss USA.
And it was unbecoming to a Miss Alabama.
I had two immediate thoughts about the growl/hiss moment: 1) she was going to regret it and 2) it looked oddly familiar.
Colton then went off with Caelynn and she laid it all out on the line. She told him that Hannah was manipulative and toxic, and that when she started advancing in the pageant circuit that Hannah was not supportive. I know I don’t know what really happened between these two pageant beauties, but for some reason I’m believing Caelynn over Hannah. Do y’all feel the same?
Colton then went straight to Hannah and said that Caelynn used words like “manipulative”, “toxic”, and “deceitful” to describe her. And Hannah was like, “Nope. I’m not.” She then turned around and said the exact same things about Caelynn. And round and round they went. It was the good ol “I’m rubber, you’re glue” defense.
I didn’t hear either girl giving specifics, and that’s what we needed. That’s what Colton needed. SPECIFICS. She’s fake? Tell me how. She’s manipulative? Tell me how. She’s toxic? FREAKING TELL ME HOW.
We need direct quotes, we need story lines, we need circumstances. We need Caelynn to say, “Listen, here’s what went down. I won the talent competition while twirling a fire baton to We Didn’t Start The Fire. Hannah didn’t like that I won or that I could twirl a fire baton, so she lit my baton on fire back in our room and left it on my bed with a message written in lipstick on my white bedspread that said ‘I hope you burn your fingers off with your flaming baton.’ ” A story like this would help us form an opinion and take a side, right?. But neither one of them are giving us any real life examples of why the other girl is so terrible.
Colton was so confused that he headed behind the scenes to talk to different crew members and Harrison. Nobody offered up any real advice. Harrison just kind of nodded and was like yep, you’re in a pickle.
Who already had roses: Elyse, Caelynn, Nicole
Who got the roses: Hannah G., Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Onyeka, and Hannah B. (DUH)
Who went home: Bri (the model), Catherine (Stiffler’s mom!), and Nina (And don’t forget, Caitlin went home earlier.)
Please sound off in the comments with your thoughts. Talking points: Who is your favorite? Who should go home next? Are you Team Hannah or Team Caylynn? What was your favorite part of today’s recap?
Before you go, if you didn’t see my last post on all my Amazon finds, click HERE! LOTS of things that I’m absolutely loving – Including this $20 camel sweater that I HIGHLY recommend, this super soft sweatshirt cardi, and my new favorite leggings!
And if you are dreaming of Spring like I am, click HERE to see some of my Spring picks!
And if you are a Shoreline Converse lover like me (they are a great transitional shoe), there are tons on sale to choose from right now!
That’s it y’all! Remember to leave your Bachelor thoughts in the comments, and I’ll see you back here on Friday!
Last thing, for all of you make up junkies out there, Bobbi Brown just released a new limited edition eye palette and it looks AMAZING. And there’s tons of beauty gifts with purchase at Nordstrom right now that you can check out here.