Before we get started with this week’s mess, if you didn’t see last week’s mess you need to click HERE. Because there was a sloth, y’all.
But don’t worry, this week was a mess too. But before we get started, if you are a Hanky Panky fan, go check out this Hanky Panky sale!!!!! And I found of pair of earrings that I’m DYING over. SO FLIPPING CUTE.
The show opened up with Colton filming his own instastory type confessional. He said they were all going to head to a theater that night for the first group date. And get this, they were all going to be telling stories about “their firsts”.
WHAT THE HECK, Harrison? STOP TALKING ABOUT HIS VIRGINITY!
FIRST GROUP DATE: Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine
YOU’LL NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST DATE
They all arrived at the theater together….
…and Megan Mullally (you know her from Will and Grace) and her husband Nick Offerman (you know him from Parks and Rec) were there to greet everybody. They did a little stand up routine sharing about a couple of their firsts. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. Insert the wide eyed emoji face here. #iwasclutchingmypearls
Colton got up, talked about his virginity, and for the first time in a long time…..I LIKED COLTON! Let’s all give a nice long slow clap for Colton!
He stood up in front of everybody and finally OWNED IT. He told a story about how when in a locker room once, he was straight up asked how many women he had slept with. He panicked at first and tried to think of a lie, but he couldn’t think what lie he wanted to tell. Did he want to say 1? 4? 10? 100? He finally went with “zero”. And he said the guy that asked him responded in a positive manner saying “Wow, man. That’s really cool”. It was totally freeing to him because he had been lying about it his whole life, and he told the truth for the first time. #fistbump
Luckily, it became obvious pretty quickly that the girls weren’t all going to talk about their actual firsts. THANK YOU! They were just going to be talking about all different types of firsts. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hopeful that Demi was going to talk about the first time her mama got carted off to federal prison. #fingerscrossed
Elyse made jokes about how she always dated older men and talked about how she was in her early 30s. She shared that Colton would be THE FIRST younger man she had ever dated.
And y’all. Demi thought it was “so brave” that Elyse talked about her age.
No, I’m not kidding.
Nicole was up next, and she claimed that Colton was going to be a first for her too as “the whitest bread” she had ever dated. They did this shot while she was talking (full screen showed Colton’s blurry face in front of her), and I’m pretty sure she was wearing the must have wedges. (Click HERE to see my post where I initially named them a must have.)
Hannah G. was looking as cute and gorgeous as ever (and it’s hard to be cute and gorgeous at the same time, but she somehow manages to pull it off). She talked about not having dates and feeling invisible. I had a hard time buying that, but I guess you can feel alone when you are so incredibly pretty. Gosh, being pretty is hard, y’all! Bless her heart.
Bri was up next, but she wasn’t talking in an Australian accent. WHUH? I felt robbed! It seems as if we missed her revealing that she wasn’t actually from Australia. WHY WOULDN’T THEY SHOW THAT. Come on, Harrison. Get your head in the game.
Tracy told a story about taking a guy’s virginity and getting punched by another girl for doing so. I wasn’t impressed.
The last girl up was Demi. She started by telling the camera guy that she couldn’t wait to make the audience fall in love with her. #gag She shared how she was at a party where she really wanted to kiss a boy, but she didn’t, and she wasn’t going to let fear hold her back anymore. So she walked off stage and headed straight to Colton and laid one on him. She ended by saying “That’s the story of how I ended up getting the first group date rose.” She also told the camera guy that she knew she was going to have to show Colton “a little more depth in me“. And that’s a direct quote.
During the evening portion of their group date, Demi swept him away first. I mean, of course all of the other girls were annoyed…..but it wasn’t the date itself that got everybody in such a tizzy! When Demi came back from her 1:1 time, she picked up the rose for like .3 seconds and acted like it was going to be hers.
In case you didn’t catch that, let me repeat it for you.
She picked up the rose.
Did the gravity of the situation still not hit you?
Let me try one more time.
SHE. PICKED. UP. THE. ROSE.
COLTON’S ROSE.
THE ROSE THAT IS HIS TO GIVE.
THE ROSE THAT IS NOT JUST SITTING OUT FOR PEOPLE TO HAPHAZZARDLY TOUCH.
THE ROSE THAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TOUCHED WILLY NILLY.
Still don’t understand?
Yeah, neither did I.
BUT, Y’ALL.
TRACY WIGGED THE FREAK OUT.
She said “she was short of breath and slightly sick to her stomach“.
No, I’m not kidding.
She went on to say that “Picking up the rose means a lot, and to actually like touch it was really rude to everybody.”
She basically felt like that the touching of the rose had tarnished its sanctity.
Again, not kidding.
She was OFFENDED and APPALLED. She went off the rails. She went ON AND ON.
Tracy needed for somebody to get her some oxygen AND A GRIP. Stat.
Look at her face when the incident occurred.
Tracy thought it would be best to get it all out in the open with Demi about how she was feeling about the whole YOU TOUCHED THE ROSE thing. And Demi was all….
After their talk, Demi said that she knew Tracy was really upset because she “had a frowny face on“. During their conversation, Demi nodded and politely apologized, and then she summed up their talk to the cameras by saying “haters gonna hate”. #wellsaid She continued on to say she is the “only one that challenges him”, that she’s “worth the world”, “amazing”, and that she “doesn’t have competition here”. #puke #gag But this girl is t.v. GOLD.
Colton had time alone with more of the ladies, and he kissed Hannah G. And for the 2nd time, Colton told her she felt like home.
And this was Demi spying on the kiss. Which, funny enough, is how I typically watch this crazy show.
Elyse (the red head) got the first impression rose. RAWR. #cougarwins
**********************************
1:1 Date Hannah B.
True Love is on the Horizon.
Colton picked Alabama Hannah up in a vintage Bronco, and they took off down the road. They pulled up to some horses on a mountain and hopped on.
{Now, I’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to let you know what was going on back at the house. Miss North Carolina (Caelynn) was sharing how she and Alabama Hannah use to be friends in the beauty pageant world. They were even pageant roommates for awhile. HOWEVER, when she (Miss North Carolina) beat Alabama Hannah, Alabama Hannah turned on a dime and there was a “whole new Hannah”.} I have to say, the beauty pageant drama excites me.
While on horseback, they came up on a bench with champagne, so they hopped off to have some bubbly. Colton made a sweet toast. “To being open, to being honest, to being true to who we are, and to challenging each other throughout this journey.”
And then told her it was her turn. She stalled, she giggled, she claimed that he took her answer, she stalled some more, and then she mumbled something about it being her birthday and ended it with an emphatic “ROLL TIDE“! It was painful.
I MEAN.
MISS ALABAMA!
COME ON!
DID YOUR PAGEANT TRAINING NOT PREP YOU FOR MOMENTS SUCH AS THIS?
If you can’t give an impromptu toast, then you sure as heck can’t answer a question about foreign relations from a panel of judges. It was very reminiscent of Miss Teen USA, circa 2007. PLEASE ENJOY.
And really, please take the time to watch this. It will bless you.
I just about die every time I watch that clip. I wanted to run up on stage and carry her off a la The Bodyguard.
During Miss Alabama’s toast, it was like I was having deja vu back to poor Miss Teen South Carolina.
So, Alabama Hannah crashed and burned. And she knew it. And then she started self destructing. They hopped in a hot tub (as one does in the desert), and she admitted to producers that she has often struggled with feeling “good enough”. This is when I questioned her choice to both go on The Bachelor and be on the pageant circuit.
That night at “dinner” (because you know they weren’t actually consuming food), Colton practically begged her to open up. She decided to do so by asking, “Why are you a virgin?” They were on the top deck of a ship, and I felt like I needed to throw Miss Alabama a life vest.
But Colton didn’t pick her up and throw her off the boat, which I thought showed some incredible self-restraint.
Instead, he responded thoughtfully and respectfully with something similar to I accidentally ended up like this, but I’m glad I did. Initially I had it ingrained in me (he actually said “engraved”, but whatever) to until wait until marriage…but now I’m just waiting for love.
Hannah then opened up and shared that she wishes that she had saved herself. She seemed genuine, although she definitely needs to brush up on her interview skills. Somebody call in a pageant consultant ASAP.
She got a rose.
**********************************
Group Date: Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather
I camp fight this feeling anymore.
CAMP BACHELOR included lots of silly camp games, and the girls looked like they were having fun.
And then their camp party was crashed.
Billy Eichner (comedian also most well known for Parks and Rec) showed up, and he sat down with Harrison and Colton to talk about all things Bachelor and Colton’s season. At one point he told Colton that he was gay, and then suggested that maybe Colton should just be gay too. Now, THAT would be the most dramatic season ever. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. #seinfeldforever
Harrison told everybody they would be competing in lots of summer camp type activities. The losing team would go home, and the winning team would stay at sleepover camp. And it appeared that they were divided into Team Ketchup and Team Mustard for the festivities that included egg carrying, canoeing, and tug of war.
Team Mustard lost, and Team Ketchup got to stick around.
That night Team Ketchup got some extra time with Colton. Heather admitted to him that she’s never kissed anybody, which I find extremely hard to believe bytheway. And I’m going to be honest, Colton seemed to kinda dig the information. I thought for sure he would lean in for a little peck, but NOPE! Sorry, Heather. Your never been kissed streak is going to have to continue for at least another night.
TIME FOR THE COCKTAIL PARTY
It was time for the cocktail party, and everybody that didn’t have a rose was nervous as all get out. They all knew how important that 1:1 time was with Colton to solidify their rose status.
Courtney (who has the prettiest teeth and hair) grabbed him first and told him how although she was only 23, that she was totally ready for a family because she’s the oldest of 5 and is kinda used to being a mom. Things seemed to go well, and she was so thrilled afterwards that she started crying happy tears. Calm down, Courtney.
Next up was Sydney, they were having a cute little conversation about how she had cheated during the canoe races to try to help her team win when HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!
Good ol’ Onyeka dropped by and blew an air horn right behind them. Yep, she was up to her ol’ shennanigans. Last week she was “drowning in bit**e$“, and this week she was “feeling horny and needed to let it out“. EYE ROLL.
Sydney wouldn’t stand for it. She came right back banging a wooden spoon on a cookie sheet. But Onyeka told her she needed 5 more minutes.
She left, but then she grabbed the biggest pot she could find (and the biggest pot that I’ve ever seen) and started banging that too.
Next up, TRACY. Who I’m afraid was still reeling from the whole DEMI TOUCHED THE ROSE debacle. They hadn’t been talking for long when Demi skipped up…IN A BATHROBE no less….to interrupt their time. Tracy was displeased, and she retreated to her cougar sanctuary and started crying. Whilst Tracy was crying in her room, Demi was massaging Colton in a closet and asking “wouldn’t it be nice to come home to this?”. She was no longer in a bathrobe, so the whole bathrobe significance was lost on me, unless she was just trying to send all of the other girls into a tail spin. Which if that was the case, then WELL PLAYED. #missionaccomplished
Demi went back downstairs, sat down with the other girls, and regaled them with her tales of how wonderful the time was that she had just spent with Colton.
And then one of the other ladies confronted her, asking her if she felt badly for poor Tracy. She explained to Demi how Tracy was incredibly hurt. And this was Demi’s reaction. Which I thought was SPOT ON.
She then went up to talk to the Tracy who was still beside herself and weeping. Demi told her “she was one of the most amazing women she had ever met” and was basically all “you do you, boo.” Which was hysterical.
Who got roses: Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G., Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and Tracy. So they joined Demi, Elyse, the Alabama Hannah and Heather.
Who was placed in the rejection limo? Erika (she told him she didn’t want kids, what did she expect?), Alex, Angelique, and Annie.
That’s it for the recap! SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS! Did I forget something that we all need to discuss? What was your most jaw dropping moment? Who are your favorites now? Let’s talk about it, y’all! And make sure you come back on Friday for a monster of a post!
Narci says
Oh my stars! This had me laughing so hard today! Great recap!
Shay Shull says
Okay, she touched the rose?! What was she thinking??? Bahahaha! And why haven’t others done it in the past? Now that you mention it, it’s just lying there for the taking, right?! That’s so funny!!
Diana says
Well done Shaeffer! I spit out my coffee laughing at the toast graphic Hannah had in her head. That video made my morning!!
Erika Slaughter says
Alabama Hannah-I just can’t. (Please k ow I’m shaking my head as I type.)
Anna says
Let us first address Tracy’s yellow dress — it was vintage McQueen and I’m dying for it! And also I nearly choked at your screen shot of Demi playing with the tassels on her dress at the cocktail party.
Laura says
Demi looks JUST like the country star Miranda Lambert! Don’t you think?
Angie says
Yes!!!!!
Cassie says
Maybe we should discuss why Colton has a problem with ladies whose name starts with an “a”?
Christina says
OMG. That Teen South Carolina interview was so painful, I couldn’t watch it again. I felt like I might brake out in hives from the embarrassment. Yikes! Like Aurora Greenway said (Shirley McClain in Terms of Endearment); “Gorgeous isn’t everything!”
Erica says
Demi always talking about “the older girls” drives me nuts. Most people are older than you, 23 year old Demi *eye roll*
Elizabeth says
Every time I see Traci, I see Danielle Staub from Real Housewives!
Sheaffer says
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laci says
Everyone in my office is looking at me like I am crazy because I can’t stop laughing! The pots and pans…the air horn….I am dying! Alabama Hannah is just NO…I was cringing!
tracy says
maybe tracy had the date rose confused with the rose in beauty and the beast?
(oh, and i’m tracy, too, but not the same one. :D)
Candace says
?????????
Jenny says
They did share clip of Bree telling him that she wasn’t Australian on Instagram last Tuesday. Its beyond me why that wasn’t on the actual show though!
Paden Lemons says
It’s so irritating to me when the person who is annoyed at the villain is more insufferable than the villain! Lookin’ at you Tracy.
Addison says
I love your recaps and this one was spot on! My favorites are Hannah G and Cassie but it’s still so early on. Thanks for a good laugh this morning!
Marie says
I don’t watch the show, but your write-ups are solid gold entertainment anyway! However, I’m very disappointed not to read your opinion about that pink strapless jumpsuit number I see in the first photo… which girl is that???
MelanieL says
Alabama Hannah is a HUGE NO for me too…I can’t stand her lol! I agree with Laura’s comment about Demi looking like Miranda Lambert…and maybe acting like her too?? Thanks for the hilarious re-cap!
cassie // hi sugarplum says
Oh my gosh…how is it only the second week and there’s already so much drama??? This season is going to be cray!! And am I the only one having a hard time believing he’s still a virgin after Bachelor Pad??
Allison says
the funny thing to me is both Hannahs are from Alabama so the “Alabama Hannah” schtick doesn’t work super well…but that was painful to watch!! It was driving me crazy night 1 because I couldn’t figure out where I recognized Hannah G from until I realized it was from the Red Dress boutique website!
Melissa says
Yes, so glad you pointed that out. I was wondering how I recognized her.
Pennie Langford says
OMG FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!
Rikki says
Oh how I look forward to Wednesday mornings these days. Your recap and hilarious commentary make for such a great start to the day! Thank you Sheaffer! It’s all so good!
Alice says
Hannah G looks just like Reese Witherspoon which is how I think she can be both cute and gorgeous at the same time. 🙂
Terra Heck says
Tracy grated my nerves. She’s too whiny. And I hated her yellow dress.
Hannah is going to show her true colors soon, I believe.
Pam says
I am also DONE with hearing the word VIRGIN. Colton is more than that!! Please can we move on from it!!!!!???? Love your recaps so much!!
Julie says
I agree!!!! Enough already!!!!
Kara says
Had to share a comment made by my husband last night. When the rejected ladies were leaving he said “They should just go get drinks and get drunk. together” I thought that was perfect. What is better than drowning your sorrows and complaining of how you were done wrong with a bunch of ladies who join in your sorrows.
Thank you for theses recaps-they make my day. 🙂
Mel says
I am thinking if we played a drinking game every time someone said the word “like” we would all be completely wasted!
Karen H says
Or the word “virgin”!!! UGH!
Ally Snoderly says
I look forward to your recaps more than the actual episodes of the Bachelor. I’m always hiding at my desk at work hysterically laughing. They are the BEST!!
Side note: I feel Demi is the female version of Jordan last season.
Jaclyn Taylor says
Y’all I’m not gonna lie. I’ve always been a fan. But after episode one with all of the LIVE parties and the cheesier entrances I was so turned off!!!!! I don’t know I hate to say I’m fading out of fanhood but that just may be the case if Colton doesn’t reign this nuttiness in! ABC is getting too big in their britches’ trying to keep up and pull out all of the stops and it’s almost just borderline ridiculous! It seems so less genuine nowadays with more worried about post bachelor fame as some of these previous contestants are living off this show!
Becky says
Shaeffer your posts are the best! #iwasclutchingmypearls best hashtag ever and a Seinfeld reference, you are on fire today. Thanks for the laughs and the fun read. PS: I bought the packing cubes from Nordstroms you recommended, can’t wait to try them out on my next vaca!
Kallie Tuttle says
Rose on the shelf?! How does it get its magical power back?!
Morgan says
This was hysterical, but I also must add that Mario lopez’s professionalism in that clip is SPOT ON. His face was priceless, but he kept it together. That clip definitely did bless me. Such as.
Karen H says
Yes! I was impressed that he didn’t bust a gut with that answer! But, in defense of poor Miss South Carolina… it was a pretty stupid question. 😀
Lisa says
OMG you are hysterical. And spot on! I really enjoyed revisiting the 2007 interview of Miss South Carolina. Good call!
Kelly D says
Officially dying!? I have been reading your blog for quite awhile..usually skip over bachelor post because I don’t watch tv..Love everything you write..I love to check out the fashion posts(after 7 kids I recently lost 80 pounds,and at 50 decided to dress fashionably?)Anyway,read the latest bachelor recap,thought I would enjoy it,since your humor really cracks me up..you didn’t disappoint..I was actually crying,I laughed so hard..Going to read other bachelor posts..Thanks so much for all you do!
Sheaffer says
I’m so glad to hear you gave the recaps a shot, Kelly! Happy you enjoyed them!!!! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Heidi says
One of your best re-caps to date. You missed the comment: “I mean what’s happening, I just put my heels on like an hour ago!”
Jenn says
I forgot how cringeworthy that pageant clip is. Oh my goodness I couldn’t even finish it. Poor thing, but spot on! I love your recaps, they make the 2 hours of my life wasted watching this train wreck worth it!
Jeni says
That toast made me so uncomfortable!!!! Great recap friend, I laughed my way through it!
Amanda @ That Inspired Chick says
Oh my gosh, Miss South Carolina! Bless her heart!! I’m off to stalk her on Instagram to see how she’s turned out. ?. Best recaps ever.
Susan Jeffries says
This is the only show I watch on TV. Seriously. And your recaps make my life better(: I am a huge fan of Colton. As a mom of an 18 year old girl, Colton is the type of guy a mama prays for. I am stand in awe of his choice to abstain from sex until he finds the right girl, but these people are making him seem like virginity is weird. I honestly don’t think any of these girls are up to his standards. It seems like a big dumb sorority party. But our family will be watching this big dumb party all season (:
Addie says
Alabama Hannah and I danced at the same dance studio and took several classes together growing up. As much as I am rooting for her, that date made me cringe!! At least she’s able to laugh at herself as she watches it back!
Kim says
I love the screen shot of Demi spying on the kiss – and that is totally how I have to watch most of the episodes, too. So cringy. I was definitely hiding my face through several of the “firsts” stories. And as poor Hannah tried to give her toast (that whole date, really). So uncomfortable!
Ashley Ethridge says
I watch the show so I can read your hysterical recaps!! Happy Friday!
Patty Hampton says
I tried reading your post and the pop up ads at the bottom were so overwhelming. I have been reading your post before and never experienced this. So many ads, I gave up
Sheaffer says
Oh no! I haven’t changed any settings, so I’m guessing it’s just a glitch. My ad network is awesome about fixing issues as they pop up, so I’m hoping it will be resolved soon! Thanks for letting me know! xoxo
Juliana Grace says
I am SO team Demi (joking, but not really) because the girl has got GAME. I thought her remarks about “hurting Tracy” were so hysterical!
Lori says
Teen USA! Love that clip, more and more, and so on! Who can’t give a toast, memorize one, just in case you are ever called upon! I personally, am so glad tide got rolled!
Sandra C says
You literally need to write a book, you are hilarious! These are always my favorite!?