The Bachelor, Episode 2: Is There a Pageant Coach in the House?

Before we get started with this week’s mess, if you didn’t see last week’s mess you need to click HERE.  Because there was a sloth, y’all.

But don’t worry, this week was a mess too.  But before we get started, if you are a Hanky Panky fan, go check out this Hanky Panky sale!!!!!  And I found of pair of earrings that I’m DYING over.  SO FLIPPING CUTE.

The show opened up with Colton filming his own instastory type confessional.  He said they were all going to head to a theater that night for the first group date.  And get this, they were all going to be telling stories about “their firsts”.

WHAT THE HECK, Harrison?  STOP TALKING ABOUT HIS VIRGINITY!

FIRST GROUP DATE:  Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine

YOU’LL NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST DATE

They all arrived at the theater together….

…and Megan Mullally (you know her from Will and Grace) and her husband Nick Offerman (you know him from Parks and Rec) were there to greet everybody.  They did a little stand up routine sharing about a couple of their firsts.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that.  Insert the wide eyed emoji face here. #iwasclutchingmypearls

Colton got up, talked about his virginity, and for the first time in a long time…..I LIKED COLTON!  Let’s all give a nice long slow clap for Colton!

He stood up in front of everybody and finally OWNED IT.  He told a story about how when in a locker room once, he was straight up asked how many women he had slept with.  He panicked at first and tried to think of a lie, but he couldn’t think what lie he wanted to tell.  Did he want to say 1? 4? 10? 100?  He finally went with “zero”. And he said the guy that asked him responded in a positive manner saying “Wow, man.  That’s really cool”.  It was totally freeing to him because he had been lying about it his whole life, and he told the truth for the first time.  #fistbump

Luckily, it became obvious pretty quickly that the girls weren’t all going to talk about their actual firsts.  THANK YOU!  They were just going to be talking about all different types of firsts.  And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hopeful that Demi was going to talk about the first time her mama got carted off to federal prison. #fingerscrossed

Elyse made jokes about how she always dated older men and talked about how she was in her early 30s.   She shared that Colton would be THE FIRST younger man she had ever dated.

And y’all.  Demi thought it was “so brave” that Elyse talked about her age.

No, I’m not kidding.

Nicole was up next, and she claimed that Colton was going to be a first for her too as “the whitest bread” she had ever dated.  They did this shot while she was talking (full screen showed Colton’s blurry face in front of her), and I’m pretty sure she was wearing the must have wedges.  (Click HERE to see my post where I initially named them a must have.)

Hannah G. was looking as cute and gorgeous as ever (and it’s hard to be cute and gorgeous at the same time, but she somehow manages to pull it off).  She talked about not having dates and feeling invisible. I had a hard time buying that, but I guess you can feel alone when you are so incredibly pretty.  Gosh, being pretty is hard, y’all!  Bless her heart.

Bri was up next, but she wasn’t talking in an Australian accent.  WHUH?  I felt robbed!  It seems as if we missed her revealing that she wasn’t actually from Australia.  WHY WOULDN’T THEY SHOW THAT.  Come on, Harrison.  Get your head in the game.

Tracy told a story about taking a guy’s virginity and getting punched by another girl for doing so.  I wasn’t impressed.

The last girl up was Demi.  She started by telling the camera guy that she couldn’t wait to make the audience fall in love with her.  #gag  She shared how she was at a party where she really wanted to kiss a boy, but she didn’t, and she wasn’t going to let fear hold her back anymore.  So she walked off stage and headed straight to Colton and laid one on him.  She ended by saying “That’s the story of how I ended up getting the first group date rose.” She also told the camera guy that she knew she was going to have to show Colton “a little more depth in me“.  And that’s a direct quote.

During the evening portion of their group date, Demi swept him away first.  I mean, of course all of the other girls were annoyed…..but it wasn’t the date itself that got everybody in such a tizzy!  When Demi came back from her 1:1 time, she picked up the rose for like .3 seconds and acted like it was going to be hers.

In case you didn’t catch that, let me repeat it for you.

She picked up the rose.

Did the gravity of the situation still not hit you?

Let me try one more time.

SHE. PICKED. UP. THE. ROSE.

COLTON’S ROSE.

THE ROSE THAT IS HIS TO GIVE.

THE ROSE THAT IS NOT JUST SITTING OUT FOR PEOPLE TO HAPHAZZARDLY TOUCH.

THE ROSE THAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TOUCHED WILLY NILLY.

Still don’t understand?

Yeah, neither did I.

BUT, Y’ALL.

TRACY WIGGED THE FREAK OUT.

She said “she was short of breath and slightly sick to her stomach“.

No, I’m not kidding.

She went on to say that “Picking up the rose means a lot, and to actually like touch it was really rude to everybody.”

She basically felt like that the touching of the rose had tarnished its sanctity.

Again, not kidding.

She was OFFENDED and APPALLED.   She went off the rails.  She went ON AND ON.

Tracy needed for somebody to get her some oxygen AND A GRIP.  Stat.

Look at her face when the incident occurred.

Tracy thought it would be best to get it all out in the open with Demi about how she was feeling about the whole YOU TOUCHED THE ROSE thing.  And Demi was all….

After their talk, Demi said that she knew Tracy was really upset because she “had a frowny face on“.  During their conversation, Demi nodded and politely apologized, and then she summed up their talk to the cameras by saying “haters gonna hate”.  #wellsaid  She continued on to say she is the “only one that challenges him”, that she’s “worth the world”, “amazing”, and that she “doesn’t have competition here”.  #puke #gag  But this girl is t.v. GOLD.

Colton had time alone with more of the ladies, and he kissed Hannah G.  And for the 2nd time, Colton told her she felt like home.

And this was Demi spying on the kiss.  Which, funny enough, is how I typically watch this crazy show.

Elyse (the red head) got the first impression rose.  RAWR.  #cougarwins

**********************************

1:1 Date  Hannah B.

True Love is on the Horizon.

Colton picked Alabama Hannah up in a vintage Bronco, and they took off down the road.  They pulled up to some horses on a mountain and hopped on.

{Now, I’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to let you know what was going on back at the house.  Miss North Carolina (Caelynn) was sharing how she and Alabama Hannah use to be friends in the beauty pageant world.  They were even pageant roommates for awhile.  HOWEVER, when she (Miss North Carolina) beat Alabama Hannah, Alabama Hannah turned on a dime and there was a “whole new Hannah”.}  I have to say, the beauty pageant drama excites me.

While on horseback, they came up on a bench with champagne, so they hopped off to have some bubbly.  Colton made a sweet toast.  “To being open, to being honest, to being true to who we are, and to challenging each other throughout this journey.”

And then told her it was her turn.  She stalled, she giggled, she claimed that he took her answer, she stalled some more, and then she mumbled something about it being her birthday and ended it with an emphatic “ROLL TIDE“!  It was painful.

I MEAN.

MISS ALABAMA!

COME ON!

DID YOUR PAGEANT TRAINING NOT PREP YOU FOR MOMENTS SUCH AS THIS?

If you can’t give an impromptu toast, then you sure as heck can’t answer a question about foreign relations from a panel of judges.  It was very reminiscent of Miss Teen USA, circa 2007.  PLEASE ENJOY.

And really, please take the time to watch this.  It will bless you.

I just about die every time I watch that clip.  I wanted to run up on stage and carry her off a la The Bodyguard.

During Miss Alabama’s toast, it was like I was having deja vu back to poor Miss Teen South Carolina.

So, Alabama Hannah crashed and burned.  And she knew it.  And then she started self destructing.  They hopped in a hot tub (as one does in the desert), and she admitted to producers that she has often struggled with feeling “good enough”.  This is when I questioned her choice to both go on The Bachelor and be on the pageant circuit.

That night at “dinner” (because you know they weren’t actually consuming food), Colton practically begged her to open up.  She decided to do so by asking, “Why are you a virgin?”  They were on the top deck of a ship, and I felt like I needed to throw Miss Alabama a life vest.

But Colton didn’t pick her up and throw her off the boat, which I thought showed some incredible self-restraint.

Instead, he responded thoughtfully and respectfully with something similar to I accidentally ended up like this, but I’m glad I did.  Initially I had it ingrained in me (he actually said “engraved”, but whatever) to until wait until marriage…but now I’m just waiting for love.  

Hannah then opened up and shared that she wishes that she had saved herself.  She seemed genuine, although she definitely needs to brush up on her interview skills.  Somebody call in a pageant consultant ASAP.

She got a rose.

**********************************

Group Date:  Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather

I camp fight this feeling anymore.

CAMP BACHELOR included lots of silly camp games, and the girls looked like they were having fun.

And then their camp party was crashed.

Billy Eichner (comedian also most well known for Parks and Rec) showed up, and he sat down with Harrison and Colton to talk about all things Bachelor and Colton’s season.  At one point he told Colton that he was gay, and then suggested that maybe Colton should just be gay too.  Now, THAT would be the most dramatic season ever.  Not that there would be anything wrong with that.  #seinfeldforever

Harrison told everybody they would be competing in lots of summer camp type activities.  The losing team would go home, and the winning team would stay at sleepover camp.  And it appeared that they were divided into Team Ketchup and Team Mustard for the festivities that included egg carrying, canoeing, and tug of war.

Team Mustard lost, and Team Ketchup got to stick around.

That night Team Ketchup got some extra time with Colton.  Heather admitted to him that she’s never kissed anybody, which I find extremely hard to believe bytheway.  And I’m going to be honest, Colton seemed to kinda dig the information.  I thought for sure he would lean in for a little peck, but NOPE!  Sorry, Heather.  Your never been kissed streak is going to have to continue for at least another night.

TIME FOR THE COCKTAIL PARTY

It was time for the cocktail party, and everybody that didn’t have a rose was nervous as all get out.  They all knew how important that 1:1 time was with Colton to solidify their rose status.

Courtney (who has the prettiest teeth and hair) grabbed him first and told him how although she was only 23, that she was totally ready for a family because she’s the oldest of 5 and is kinda used to being a mom.  Things seemed to go well, and she was so thrilled afterwards that she started crying happy tears.  Calm down, Courtney.

Next up was Sydney, they were having a cute little conversation about how she had cheated during the canoe races to try to help her team win when HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!

Good ol’ Onyeka dropped by and blew an air horn right behind them.  Yep, she was up to her ol’ shennanigans.  Last week she was “drowning in bit**e$“, and this week she was “feeling horny and needed to let it out“.  EYE ROLL.

Sydney wouldn’t stand for it.  She came right back banging a wooden spoon on a cookie sheet. But Onyeka told her she needed 5 more minutes.

She left, but then she grabbed the biggest pot she could find (and the biggest pot that I’ve ever seen) and started banging that too.

Next up, TRACY.  Who I’m afraid was still reeling from the whole DEMI TOUCHED THE ROSE debacle.   They hadn’t been talking for long when Demi skipped up…IN A BATHROBE no less….to interrupt their time.  Tracy was displeased, and she retreated to her cougar sanctuary and started crying.  Whilst Tracy was crying in her room, Demi was massaging Colton in a closet and asking “wouldn’t it be nice to come home to this?”.  She was no longer in a bathrobe, so the whole bathrobe significance was lost on me, unless she was just trying to send all of the other girls into a tail spin.  Which if that was the case, then WELL PLAYED.  #missionaccomplished

Demi went back downstairs, sat down with the other girls, and regaled them with her tales of how wonderful the time was that she had just spent with Colton.

And then one of the other ladies confronted her, asking her if she felt badly for poor Tracy.  She explained to Demi how Tracy was incredibly hurt.  And this was Demi’s reaction.  Which I thought was SPOT ON.

She then went up to talk to the Tracy who was still beside herself and weeping.  Demi told her “she was one of the most amazing women she had ever met” and was basically all “you do you, boo.”  Which was hysterical.

Who got roses:  Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G., Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and Tracy.  So they joined Demi, Elyse, the Alabama Hannah and Heather.

Who was placed in the rejection limo?  Erika (she told him she didn’t want kids, what did she expect?), Alex, Angelique, and Annie.

That’s it for the recap!  SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS!  Did I forget something that we all need to discuss?  What was your most jaw dropping moment? Who are your favorites now?  Let’s talk about it, y’all!  And make sure you come back on Friday for a monster of a post!

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