Happy Thursday, Ladies! Today is Part 2 of this week’s Bachelor recap (you can find Part 1 HERE). My Tuesday was bananas, so I was forced to split the recap into two parts…and I have to say, I didn’t hate it. Depending on the episode and how much there is to discuss, I might be doing this again.
If you need a Bachelor review before getting started on Part 2, I’ve got you covered.
Episode 1, click HERE. That time I had to google the spelling for wiener. “I before e, except after c” still applies.
Episode 2, click HERE. That time we realized Arie was basically dating his mother.
Episode 3, click HERE. That time the “lunch lady” wrestled the “sex kitten”. And the lunch lady won.
Episode 4, click HERE. That time a girl almost drank her pee for love.
If you haven’t read PART 1 of THIS WEEK’S RECAP, click HERE. That time Arie grounded one of his girlfriends. And we loved it.
The second hour of the show started with Tia’s 1:1! They hopped on an air boat to explore the Florida Everglades together, and Tia was wearing what we all would wear to do such things….Daisy Dukes and a red bodysuit from Wet Seal.
Not far into the journey, they saw a gator. And the gator lurking in the swampy waters reminded me of how love can lay in wait and pop up to surprise you when you least expect it.
It just reminded me that I don’t like gators.
In related news, I would like to point out a 1:1 date that Raven had with Nick. Stereotypes are real, y’all. Why do they have to take all the girls from Wiener to the swamp? I mean, Wiener girls can get dressed in fancy clothes and dance to D list musicians too.
Arie and Tia hopped off the boat in front of a house that had been built by this local (Gerald or Daryl – not sure which) right smack dab in the middle of the swampy marshlands. At first glance, it was obvious that dear Gerald (or Daryl) has apparently spent plenty of time in the sun throughout his life without a proper SPF. Still, he was so excited to host the happy couple and we loved him for that.
This was Gerald’s (or Daryl’s) house. He was so proud of it, and that was incredibly endearing.
And the man deep fries corn. What’s not to love.
While sitting on a porch swing on the house that was balancing precariously on 2x4s, Tia told Arie that now that she had gotten to know him, she couldn’t see him racing cars. I think that could have been taken by him as rude, but he didn’t even flinch. He said, “I like it when you call me out.”, and she said, “Well, I will if I have to.” And then they snuggled on the porch swing. It was all very sweet.
But you can’t tell me that deep down in her Wiener, Arkansas heart that she wouldn’t have preferred to be on the yacht.
That night they dined at “an old Nautical boutique place.” Arie’s words, not mine. And you know what you wear to an old nautical boutique? An ice skater’s costume. #duh
This was when Tia let Arie and America know that she was in college for 7 years. And I was like. WHOAH. I mean, I’ve heard of the 5 year plan, but COME ON. The girl loved her some college.
But then we found out why. Tia from Weiner…the down home girl that has an aw shucks attitude and used to gig for frogs….SHE HAS A DOCTORATE.
I’ve got to say, I did not see that coming. She has a doctorate in Physical Therapy, and now I love her even more!
Tia is a SASSY doctor that cusses a little. And I must admit, I enjoy a well placed curse word.
And then things took a turn for me. Tia shared how she grew up in the church and that her faith is important to her. Arie stumbled over some of his words, but basically asked her if she could be with somebody whose faith wasn’t a big part of their life. And she immediately said yes. I know there are people who do it, but I’m imagining that this could be a hard road to navigate, especially after kids.
But again, ,Tia was like “No Biggie.”
Then she told him, “I feel like I’m falling in love with you.” He looked happy, he kissed her, and he gave her the rose.
Arie said, “I feel more myself when I’m around her than with any of the other women. And that’s really really good.”
They went upstairs, precariously leaned against a pole on a balcony, and made out.
Time for the Cocktail Party!
Bekah came to party. In a bustier. Like not a dress that looked like a bustier. I’m pretty certain it was an actual bustier. From Frederik’s of Hollywood.
When talking about her decision to boycott the previous cocktail party, Krystal told the cameras that “She was hurt.” And then she went on to say the word “hurt” approximately 76,000 times. She also wanted to make clear that, “She wasn’t hiding, she was investing in herself.” Oooooh, that’s good. I’m going to say that next time I find myself in the pantry eating Nacho Cheese Doritos.
The party got started, and Arie started to rotate through the girls like always. Taxidermy girl asked him for some time first, and she declared that she wanted to be a “breath of fresh air”.
How did she plan on being this breath of fresh air? Keeping the conversation light was my guess. I was wrong.
She asked him if he was visiting a tribe whose tradition it was to eat the deceased, would he???
Way to bring the fresh air.
He looked horrified and immediately said no…unless it was a life or death situation. And then she said “I would totally try it. It’s a curiosity!” So………she’s open to cannibalism. File that under GOOD TO KNOW.
During the whole eating flesh conversation, Krystal was brooding out on the balcony, and the other girls were all talking about her. And she was listening to everything. But don’t you worry, she’s going to confront the situation head on by talking to the girls. She told them she took the day to process and be introspective, and if they wanted to talk to her about it privately, they could do that. Taxidermy girl immediately piped in with “I’ll talk to you.” Be careful, Krystal. She’ll not only talk to you, she will also eat you in a pinch. Or just for sport.
The girls sat down to talk, and taxidermy girl told Krystal that she thought that maybe she wasn’t the one for Arie if she could have those sort of emotions towards him. Tia then walked up and popped a squat with them too. She told Tia that she had been hurt. You don’t say.
Bekkah was next. She said, “I don’t particularly even want to talk to you, except to ask you “Why are you still here?” The question was met with silence, so she again said, “No, I’m asking. Why are you still here?” Krystal blinked her eyes a lot, and then told Bekkah that she was really hurt. There were lots of words coming out of Krystal’s mouth, none of which made sense. But count on Krystal to bring it back home by really driving home the point that she was indeed very hurt.
WE GET IT.
YOU WERE HURT.
She then claimed that “she’s done” and sprinkled metaphorical glitter to emphasize her point further. Which I kind of enjoyed.
Arie started rotating through some of the other girls.
And then he sat down with Krystal. And the second her tushy hit the sofa, the baby stripper voice came out in full force. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo breathy and sooooooooooooooo quiet. She was legitimately hard to hear and understand. She wanted him to know that she was really grateful that he came to her room.
He questioned her response to the bowling fiasco again, and her response blew my mind.
She said she grew up in a bowling alley and it brought up a lot of memories and emotions about trust. She explained how her mom worked in a bowling alley during all of her childhood. Her mom would date guys that would make promises and break them, which broke her, and made her kind of unavailable. And I literally CAN’T EVEN. I mean, I CANNOT.
KRYSTAL. STRAWS. GRASPING.
Arie wasn’t drinking the Kool-Aid.
He was like, if you think this is hard….just wait.
And then I had deja vu. She said “This is our first fight” and he said “This could be our last fight”. Didn’t this already happen?
Krystal then talked to the camera about how she had already shown Arie so many sides of her. For example: “fun, passion, sad, emotional, excited, futuristic.”
Crazy, Krystal. You forgot CRAZY.
And what in the Sam Hill did she mean by futuristic?
Now, this may come as a surprise to you, but if he doesn’t like what she has to offer…she’s going to feel hurt.
Going into the rose ceremony, Chelsea and Tia already had roses.
Bekkah M., Sienne, the girl who would eat human flesh (formerly known as taxidermy girl), Becca K, Jacqueline, and Jenna all got roses.
And then one rose remained.
And he gave it to Krystal.
And we can all act like we’re upset. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we should all admit that we want her back next week. Because she makes things interesting. Plus, I want to be regaled with more tales of bowling alley life.
But Bekkah? Bekkah was not amused.
That means the following ladies did not get roses: Maquel, Ashley, and Marikh were sent home .
Let’s end today’s recap with a look at Krystal and her $#it eating grin after receiving the rose. I mean, if she doesn’t look like the cat who ate the canary, then I don’t know who does.
But you know what happened to the canary….
Just kidding….nobody knows what happened to the canary,.
But doesn’t she look pleased.
See y’all back here tomorrow for Friday Favorites!
Oh, and just FYI, I bought THIS SWEATSHIRT yesterday. I could no longer resist it at 40% OFF!!!! And it comes in 3 additional colors.
I don’t need a new black bag (I’m ADORING my new black bag – and it just went 25% OFF!), but 2 different readers e-mailed me about this one! It’s only $50.40, and it does fit a laptop!
LAST THING: right now at LOFT, you can get $50 off your $100 purchase with the code SCORE. THIS TEXTURED FLOUNCE SKIRT isn’t something I would normally gravitate too, but I love how it’s styled with a white tee and jean jacket!
Okay, THE END. 😉
Erika Slaughter says
I LOL’d when you said “jk-it actually reminded me that I don’t like gators”. I totally pegged Krystal and Chelsea to be different girls on the first episode!
Shay Shull says
Okay, I reallllly liked having two Bachelor posts this week! Twice the Ari 😉 .
Oh gosh! Too funny! I love this recap so much!!
Hey Sheaffer! Great recap as always. Just one tiny thing… you totally left out Lauren B. You know, “I love burgundy”? She already had a rose. I’d offer you a taco as a sign I still love you but #TooFarAway. Love!
Your Bachelor posts seriously make my day! Everything you say is 100 percent true ????
This is the first season in ages I am not watching but your recaps are hilarious. This one made me laugh out loud many times!
Erica Stauver says
Reading these recaps is the highlight of my week!
You make my day with Bachelor recaps! When Krystal started in on the bowling ally drama and her mom I wanted to barf, I mean really.
Your recaps are so hilarious!! LOVE having two of them every week!! Highlight of my week!
Sheaffer! You are so hilarious. Bumper car trauma, bowling trauma… what’s next? Thanks for pointing out all the absurd on this show!
Until reading this, I thought he said “an old nautical boat antique place,” and couldn’t get over how redundant it was! Boutique makes more sense, or we could go with “boat-ique!”
Have a great day and thanks for these recaps. I love them all!
Wet Seal and Frederick’s of Hollywood had me rolling! Hilarious! Love your recaps!
O.k. the Doritos comment owned me! I had to minimize my screen to regain my composer…LOL!
Great recap as usual. I too was disappointed in Ari’s response about his faith, what a downer.
Totally agree…I, too, was completely bummed with Arie’s response about his faith but equally disappointed with Tia’s response back to him too. I was hoping she’d witness to him right then and there! #heneedstoknowthetruth #jesusistheway #canigetanamen
I’m with these ladies. I was so disappointed too. Why do people think they can make it work by having two different faiths?!? #mindblown
Exactly! #mindblown Random question: Has anyone talked about Jesus or witnessed on the Bachelor? I would love to hear Sean’s thoughts on this topics.
Brilliant, as always. The only part you forgot to mention was when Krystal made some hand motion and then said, “Glitter, That was glitter.” I can’t believe I’ve lived this long and never thrown imaginary glitter in someone’s face. I vow to start today!
I talked about the metaphorical glitter!!!!!! It was definitely a favorite moment. 😉
Girl you crack me up! I quit watching the Bachelor/ Bachelorette a long time ago, but reading your recaps is soooo much better!! #ithinkwejusbecamebesties
This Arkansas girl would be pissed if I had a date in a swamp. Start paying attention to how many times Arie says “so much fun” and “you know.” It’s driving me bananas!
The recaps this week had me laughing ???? out loud! Thanks! It was much needed!
The i before e except after c rule is totally true, unless it’s a proper name. The town is Weiner, named after a German man a long time ago. I never watch the show, but never miss your recaps….hilarious!
Girl! It sounds like you are sitting in our living room with us on Monday nights! I love your recaps! Great job!
You crack me up!!! Nailed everything I was
thinking! Question – you said during Tia’s date, things took a turn for you during the faith/marriage/love conversation. Does that mean you turned from liking her or…? Just want to see if you and I really do share a brain when it comes to the Bachelor!
“I’m going to say that next time I find myself in the pantry eating Nacho Cheese Doritos.”
I. AM. DYING. OVER. HERE! I’ll meet you in the pantry and we can be bffs. And talk about Krazy Krystal….which might be a good name for a chain of Bowling Alleys.
I feel like I have to point out that taven and Nick were in a rice field. Not a swamp. And I’m ashamed that this Arkansas girls knows that. ????
DYING! Wet Seal and Fredericks of Hollywood… you nailed that! And that’s the first thing I said when I saw Gerald (Daryl), he needs to be introduced to some serious SPF! LOVE LOVE LOVE your recaps! Please don’t stop! And 2 days worth are even better! Thank you!!!
The picture of Arie during the human flesh conversation with taxidermy girl is everything!!!!
Anna S says
Can I come over and watch the Bachelor with you? Haha! You would make it 10x better. Your recaps are the best!
Sheaffer, you should do a Instagram Live during the Bachelor!!! That way we can all watch with you! You crack me up!
Taxidermy girl needs to tone it down just a million notches!! And Krystal needs voice therapy and probably counseling.
Terra Heck says
I really like that sweatshirt!
I’m still not a fan of Rizzo but I think she handled herself quite well when she confronted Krystal.
I’m not mad that Krystal got a rose but I sure hope next week’s episode isn’t predominately about her. It gets old.
Kelly Reber says
I still watch the Bachelor and that is in part due to your recaps!!!! They make my life better. I died and covered my face when cannibal girl said she’d eat dead people – just seeing dead people isn’t good enough for her. I died again with your investing in yourself while eating Doritos comment. But…. you forgot the absolute best part of his date with Tia (and she’s my fave I love her swamp doctor self so much)! While she was precariously leaning on that pole she said to Ari “I was waiting for you to throw me up against something”. And yes I died a third time. That’s a lot of death. I’ll tell my family to watch my body so cannibal girl doesn’t use me for a mid-day snack.
Saw this in the news and just had to share it with you! Bekkah’s mother reported her missing while she was filming for The Bachelor!
Missing woman is spotted on The Bachelor
Kim Chambers says
Sheaffer! I love your recaps! I’ve missed the first part of the last two weeks due to kids’ basketball games but you make it as though I haven’t missed anything. And have you seen an article like this about Rizzo?!
Hey, Kim! Yes, I saw that! I’ve legit had probably 25 people e-mail me today about it! So strange!?!
You are truly hilarious. My favorite part about The Bachelor are your recaps. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.