Before we start talking about a voice that perhaps will make you want to stab your eardrums with a knife….and before we get to witness a very real post traumatic stress episode that bubbles up from childhood from one of our ladies….I want to draw your attention to the green header bar at the top of the blog. Please notice THE BACHELOR tab. If you click there, you can always find ALL of my Bachelor posts.
Okay, now let’s dive right in.
In the opening 30 seconds of the show, it became clear to America that Tink here was still choosing to believe that the cultural norm of women wearing a bra was just an option, merely a suggestion if you will. Even when appearing on National t.v.
You have me to thank for the modesty stars that look like pasties. #yourewelcome
Harrison sauntered in to the sunken living room and presented the ladies with the first date card. Becca K got the first 1:1 date, and the date card said “Hold On Tight”….which is exactly what she had to do when Arie picked her up on the back of his motorcycle. They drove to some property where they were met with a spectacular seafood bar that was spread out along the longest kitchen counter I’ve ever seen. I’d be lying though if I didn’t say if I was worried about the room temperature mussels and oysters.
The date was full of surprises, and it started by Arie introducing Becca to Rachel Zoe. Becca was given the opportunity to try on a ton of dresses from Rachel’s newest collection (I think her muse must have been a disco ball) a la Pretty Woman, and Arie just munched on some seafood and watched the fashion show. After she had tried them all on, he told her she got to keep all of them. She was understandably stoked.
What strikes me in this picture with Rachel is that Arie’s salt and pepper do is reallllllly heavy on the salt.
After he told her she was going to get to keep all the dresses, he then gifted her with a pair of Louboutin’s. #WHOAH #marrymenow
And then after that, a mob boss that appeared to walk right out of the ocean approached the two with a briefcase courtesy of Uncle Neil. And you guessed it, it was filled with diamond accessories. I’m telling ya, Becca totally scored on this first date.
So far I find her to be the most normal of all the girls and very like-able. They made out a bit, and it didn’t make me want to puke, which I consider a win.
Now, before going to dinner, Arie sent Becca back to the mansion to change for the evening. She was wearing the Louboutin’s, and I was for real afraid she was going to twist an ankle, because she was also weighed down with hangers and hangers and bags and bags of dresses. As she waltzed through the living room, pretty much every girl looked at her like this…
They went to dinner…didn’t eat…and then both shared some with the other about their past. Becca had a long term relationship (7 years) that ended, she sadly lost her father to brain cancer, but she’s very close to her mom and sister because they got through the death by leaning on each other. Arie listened and seemed to feel genuine empathy for her story.
He told her that she got to keep the diamond earrings (NO WAY), they made out a bit (told each other they liked kissing each other), and then he almost put her into cardiac arrest when he said he had on more surprise and pulled a rope that dropped confetti. The thing is, it sounded like the confetti was being shot out of a cannon straight out of the Revolutionary War.
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Back at the house, the doorbell rang and there was another date card. Krystal’s name was called out and the card said “Home is Where the Heart Is”. So Krystal got a 1:1 date. WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? A SECOND ONE ON ON DATE on Episode 2? I KNOW. It was quite unexpected for all involved.
And y’all. Bless her heart. She sat right on the couch and said “Home is where the heart is. What do you think that means? I have no idea what that means.” Bless her heart. It was during this little exchange that I became confused about Krystal. Her voice teeters between a baby voice and a bedroom voice. I mean, is she a baby? Is she a pole dancer? I was unclear and felt conflicted.
They hopped on a plane and headed to Arie’s hometown (again, she did NOT see that coming) and then to his home (what a surpise). When they got there, they looked through old photo albums and watched some old home videos. And it was here that I appreciated every bit of Arie’s 36 years. The photo albums with actual pictures printed out ON THE STICKY PAGES, behind the plastic sheets. Now THAT’S how a childhood should be documented.
It was all cute and Arie was genuinely embarrassed (which was charming), but isn’t this something that should be done NOT on a first date?
Which begs the question: What else should you not do on a first date? I don’t know, meet the parents? Well, let’s do that too.
Yep, he took her to his parent’s house. And it’s then that I became more than a little concerned.
They headed to dinner and Krystal was wearing a little black dress. And I’m using the term “dress” VERY loosely here. It was more like a little black blouse. I found myself wishing and hoping that it was in fact a romper (although if it was a romper, I definitely would have been worried about chafing)….but I’m pretty sure it was a “dress”.
They talked over dinner about their families. Krystal confided in him that her parents divorced when she was quite young, her dad was never present, she had to buy a comforter for herself at one point because her mom couldn’t afford it, and that her brother was now living on the streets. Personally, I felt Arie’s comforting skills were lacking, but he was able to reassure her that her past didn’t freak him out.
AND LADIES, THE NIGHT WASN’T OVER YET! It was time for the first awkward concert of the season! Yep, time to sway back and forth and feign excitement over the person singing to them on the stage. I will say that this particular artist was pretty easy on the eyes (and kind of looked like Justin Timberlake and Michael Buble had a baby). I will also say that I was willing Krystal not to put her arms around Arie’s shoulder. Because if she did, I feared that her “dress” might have pulled up and shown everything all the way up to her belly button.
After the private concert, Arie did tell the camera that if Krystal was still standing at the end of this journey, that he would want to give her a stable and loving family, because she deserved that. Which was incredibly sweet.
The next morning, the girls were grilling her at the house about how the date went. She was answering all of their questions with very general answers like “it was fun”, and “it was nice.” She wasn’t going to share any details, but her attempt at being coy just came off as being ALL SORTS OF SHADY. And I will tell you, the girls don’t appreciate shady. Especially Bibiana. Who at this point I’m already low key afraid of.
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The Group Date was a demolition derby. And 15 girls went on this date. It was the perfect storm for cattiness and concussions. The girls were told to pick and paint a car, but Annaliese was having a moment. The girl was bawling.
It was obvious that she was genuinely upset and scared, and I was guessing that she had probably been in a terrible car wreck, which would explain these very real feelings that she was obviously experiencing.
But boy I was wrong.
WAIT FOR IT.
She had a traumatic bumper car experience. Where “everyone kept hitting her“. You know, what you are supposed to do in bumper cars. And she “felt so alone“. You know, with all of those people surrounding her little car and hitting her with their little cars.
I do want to give extra props to the ABC producer that thought up the bumper car recreation, complete with circus music playing in the background. #WELLDONE
I tell ya, the clip made me nostalgic for Penny Whistle Park. WHO FEELS ME? #lakehighlandsinthehouse
Everybody got suited up and did the slow motion walk into the arena.
Brittany, Bibiana, Tia, and Sienne all OWNED the demolition derby. I’m telling you, the girls were VICIOUS. But Sienne finally prevailed and was the last car standing.
Time for the Group Date cocktail party! Brittany wasn’t there because “she wasn’t feeling well.” Which I imagine was code for “the girl has a concussion.”
Here’s a little synopsis of the cocktail party:
Olivia 2.0 told Arie that she had a son. He took it well. And they kissed. Just fyi, I’m disappointed that she’s not living up to her Olivia 2.0 name. She coming off as way too normal and not nearly psychotic enough. Which is a shame. Fingers crossed the crazy comes out soon.
Sienne and Arie had some alone time. She told him how she’s traveled the world and is a Yale graduate. He was all “I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.” Yep, this will never work. They kissed too. Because why not.
Back in the circle of girls, Bibiana was starting to lose patience, even though she told us that she was telling herself to be patient all the time. She then said “My patience has been trialed a lot.” Which is NOT a thing. She got up, told nobody to effing touch her, told the camera man to stop following her, and slammed the door. And it’s weird, but I found myself starting to like the girl.
It was then time for Arie to spend some time with Tink. BUT Y’ALL. As I was watching them talk, I kept thinking that she looked like somebody I knew. Somebody that wasn’t an animated character. Do you see it? Do you? I’ll give you one hint: Pink Lady. Okay, I’ll give you another hint: Kenickie.
Yep, that’s right. RIZZO!
Henceforth, we will now refer to Tink as Rizzo.
I’ve got to be honest. Their kissing was a little much for me. I think we were supposed to be into it and be really feeling their chemistry. But instead, I just wanted them to both close their mouths about 50%. And I wanted them to use less tongue. Like 70% less tongue. It was truly one of those situations where the LESS IS MORE rule should have been applied.
It was then time for the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party.
And I know this should come as no surprise, but girls were fighting over time with Arie.
Arie kissed Rizzo again. And they were both super in to it. I however was not.
Several girls spent alone time with him, including Krystal…..even though she already had a rose. Which everybody knows is a huge NO NO.
And then Krystal decided she needed just a little more time with Arie. And the girl interrupted his time with Bibiana. Who I am now legit scared of. She said something like “Do you mind?” and Bibiana fired back with “YES. I DO MIND.”
Let’s all give Bibiana a slow clap.
Kendall played her crazy cards a little too soon when she showed him part of her taxidermy collection: an otter and a fruit bat in a jar.
The best part of the night was when Miss Krystal walked in and planted herself next to Bibiana right after she had interrupted her time with Arie.
WELL.
Bibiana was not having it. She told Krystal that her voice was stupid (I’m summarizing here) and that she couldn’t take her seriously. She didn’t say “talk to the hand” like the picture demonstrates, but she audibly said “drop the mic” when she walked off. Which is basically the same thing.
The following girls got roses: Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana all received roses. Krystal, Becca K, and Sienne already had roses. So there’s now 18 ladies, and I would like to estimate that I could pick only 33% or so out of a line up.
That’s all for today! Leave your Bachelor thoughts in the comments!
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LindaZ says
I was thinking the same thing about Tink while watching this week and came up with Joanie from Happy Days. Ha! Love your recaps, Sheaffer.
Sheaffer says
YES!!!!!! And I thought of somebody else too….Betty Boop!!!!!! 😉 xoxo
Susie says
All of those! But she really looks like Courtney Robertson’s little sister!! (Wine maker Ben’s season)
Anne says
And in a weird twist on that, he dated Courtney!
Valerie says
I was thinking Jane Wiedlin from the Go Go’s.
Erika Slaughter says
I skipped this whole post until I get all caught up this weekend!! Eeeekkk!!
Shay Shull says
Oh my gosh! She is Rizzo!!! SPOT.ON.
Danielle says
I said the exact same thing to my family while we were watching! Lol, she reminds me of Rizzo.
candice says
Listen. I dont like the Bachelor. Its never been my jam. I found your site and love your style and have been buying bits and pieces here and there that you recommend. Today I thought, ok…shes got good style, Im going to read this Bachelor recap. OMG. So funny. Like I will be reading them all going forward funny. I dont know that I can still watch the show, but you recap in a way that I need to know more. Thanks! HA.
Sheaffer says
That’s so sweet, Candice! Yes, I hear from lots of people that don’t watch the show, but get their fix from the recaps! Happy to save you some time! 😉 xoxo
Narci says
We thought the same thing about Crystal and Arie’s mom! Twins! And, I’m about 75% scared of Bibiana and 25% wanting to take her out for tacos. Haha!
Sheaffer says
Laughing sooooo hard! YES!!!!!!
Nancy says
Love your recaps! Funny, while watching I think about what needs to be in the recap, you always nail it!!
Regarding Krystal’s voice. It’s super annoying! If it’s legit, it’s kind of sad. I remember learning in a college psych class that if a child experiences a certain kind of trauma it can haunt their voice development. Forever leaving them sounding like a child.
Who knows??
Nancy says
Hault their voice development.
Babe says
I also kept thinking Tink looked like someone too. Kim Darby from The John Wayne movie True Grit. I can see Rizzo and Joannie too though.
Amy at Suburban Soiree says
Ha! Penny Whistle Park!!! I’m cracking up!
Cassandra says
Girrrl, I thought the same thing about Krystal and Arie’s mother. And when I watched the episode I actually thought, I hope Sheaffer picks up on this and addresses it! HA
Beth says
I love your recaps! Don’t forget the girl who didn’t get a rose and then didn’t tell Arie goodbye. After he runs after her, she tells him she’s going to miss her friends! I cracked up. I’m sure he didn’t have any mixed feelings about letting that one go!
Meredith says
OMG yes! She was SO rude! I was glad he let her go early on.
Laci says
Dying from laughter!!! YES to all of the above!!!
Cathy Doescher says
I laughed at your “he’s dating his mother” analogy! At first I kept thinking Krystal reminded me of Emily Maynor. Then when they went to his house I thought “whoa…she is a mommy clone! But wait, so was Emily!” I would say this man has a mommy issue!
Also, I agree with you about excessive kissing. Wish the producers would lighten up on the kissing scenes and save them until he has narrowed his field to a handful of girls.,.not 20!!! It takes away from the fun of wTching the show. It’s much more enjoyable to watch them having fun on dates and getting to know each other through conversation.
Meredith says
I agree. More talking less kissing. I have to fast forward. It’s so disgusting to watch. I can’t even handle Rizzo and Arie’s makeout sessions. Yuck!
Lori Hayutin says
I don’t watch The Bachelor, but your recaps are so hilarious! Great morning, laugh out loud entertainment.
vanessa warren says
Omg , I started The first episode did not finish , cuz sleep I thought was more important, but I have read both your recaps before watching , and you are hysterical, it makes watching the show so much better and makes my day laughing so hard.
Thank you
Robbie says
I’m dying!! ???????????? My thoughts exactly…you are so spot on! And I went to Penny Whistle Park a ton growing up! Loved that place!
Shari says
Love, love, love your recaps!! I was thinking of you during the Annaliese trauma. Did you notice that Arie was totally trying to hold back his laughter? Kudos to him I don’t know that I could have done it.
Dena says
Spot on with calling her Rizzo!! Love it! LOL
Mary V says
Your reviews are so spot on! I had so many similar thoughts as I watched!! Thanks for adding a little humor to my day! Love your reviews and recommendations!!
Kathy says
Is the Redken All Soft okay for hair that is dyed? Or would I need to go with Color Extend?
Sheaffer says
Hi, Kathy! About 6 months ago I started having to color my hair, and my hairdresser said it was fine to use! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Lisa Odom says
I scrolled through Rizzo’s real life instagram and she’s a bit different. Love your recaps!
Katie says
I wish I could attach a picture because someone on my Instagram posted a picture of a young Fred Savage with eye lashes drawn on and it has a striking resemblance to Bekah/Tink/Rizzo!
Anne says
This recap made me laugh out loud and then I had to read parts of it out loud to my husband (yep, he is a Bach fan too). Also, I absolutely can’t stand seeing people’s tongues when they kiss. I so prefer a good old fashioned Hallmark movie kiss where no one swallows anyone else’s face.
Hollie says
I love that you also picked up on Bibiana’s patience being “trialed”. 🙂
Kacie says
I love your recap! I haven’t watched a season since the Ben/Courtney season and then swore it off because it was so bad. I thought I would give this one a chance since I did watch Emily’s a little bit. I noticed that Bekah wasn’t wearing a bra in any scene she was in (I just went back and read recap #1 and saw you had mentioned that there too). She’s weird and I don’t get it… and the making out was gross. I really did like Becca. Not just because she’s from Minnesota (ND girl here!), but she seemed genuinely nice. My vote is for her so far. Krystal was annoying. Her voice… ugh! I did notice that she baby-talked the entire episode UNTIL the end when Bibiana was chewing her out. Then it got normal. So, is that a scam?? Either way, I am not a fan.
Kim says
???????????? this is the best review I’ve ever read! I laughed out loud the WHOLE time! I watched on Monday night but was putting the kids to bed and missed the part where Krystal met Arie’s family — that is a FREAKY resemblance!
Jenn says
Hysterical!! You are always spot on! There’s definitely a mommy/Emily/Krystal thing going on…. and while I think Arie is in this for the real deal, he certainly appreciates a beautiful sexy woman. Whomever he ends up with, he will set out to make them feel sexy and beautiful all the time (as long as he doesn’t have a wandering eye!).
Donna says
I have been following your blog for awhile now and really just starting getting in to the Bachelor this season. Your recaps are HILARIOUS, SPOT ON!
You are an incredible writer and your words completely speak the story!
Love your blog and your fashion. ALL OF IT.
Happy New Year.
Sheaffer says
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a sweet message, Donna! I appreciate you so much! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
kimmie says
can we start calling bibiana (which sounds like an italian casserole) #cashmeoutside? pretty sure they run in the same circle.
Emily Colon says
Oh my!!! I love your recaps! I was thinking the same things!! I still can’t stop laughing from the bumper car trauma. And the girl who got cut but did the interview talking about the ridiculousness of the bumper car trauma- he should have kept her. Not because they were compatible, but because she could have been Olivia 2.0! lol, I mean what an exit on week 2!
Robin says
I have never liked watching the Bachelor. I did try once a long time ago when they did a season with a middle aged bachelor. ( It obviously wasn’t popular since it never happened again.). However, your recaps are the best…the bumper cats, Rizzo, the kissing, HA!
Robin says
Oops! Bumper cars, not cats! Boy that WOULD be traumatizing, especially for the poor cats.
Susan says
Dying!! So good. Your retelling of the bumper car part I almost cried laughing.
Amanda @ That Inspired Chick says
Oh my goodness… So much “YES!!!!” to all of this!! Krystal and his mom…YES!!! I thought the same thing the second they showed them side by side. And Rizzo!?! YES!!! #nailedit But Bibiana….I can’t even with that girl’s name. I just can’t. And Krystal’s voice. I feel like she thinks she’s being adorable. A little babyish and cute mixed in with some 50 Shades. I can’t stand it! She’s a beautiful girl. She doesn’t need all that. I hope she watches this back and realizes it needs to go! That Inspired Chick
cassie {hi sugarplum} says
I just snort laughed so much I woke the dogs!!! So excited you and the Bachelor are BACK!!!!! Wednesdays are my new fave day!
April Parrish says
Always love your recaps!! I actually really like Krystal…she seems very genuine. Now, she could definitely work on her voice, but I like her. I think that was very mature of her not to go into detail about their date.
And oh my Rizzo…their twins!!! So funny!
Taylor T says
After seeing the bumper cars issue pan out, I was super excited to see what you were going to have to say about it! Hysterical, right??? I kinda wanna go do some bumper cars now!
And THANK YOU for acknowledging Rizzo!!! I could not put my finger on who she looked like until I saw your Rizzo pic! YES!!!!
Kellylane says
Team Becca K all the way! I don’t think a bachelor has ever ended up with his first date!? She’s normal and he seems to adore her! Krystal’s voice is so fake and makes me want to punch something.
I’ve also decided to not watch the rest of the season. I’m just gonna read your posts! So, keep em coming please!
Erin says
How bout when Bibiana told Krystal she was digging herself a big ass hole….
Sheaffer says
ERIN! YES! I had a whole paragraph written about this, but I erased it! Didn’t it sound like “big” was the only adjective, and a$$ hole was the noun? At first, I was like HUH? So funny!
Elizabeth B. says
Omg, Penny Whistle Park, yes!! I had a birthday party there!
Valerie says
I think that the demolition derby was the best thing that the Bachelor has ever done. It sure beats that stupid obstacle course during Rachel’s season. Even Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis couldn’t save that one.
Sandra says
“Is she a baby? Is she a pole dancer?” … very funny stuff! Thanks for the hilarious recap!!!
Jen says
I’m watching week three and can’t wait to hear what you have to say about Annaliese’s newest childhood trauma flashback when the date card was read 😉
Jen says
and OMG the reenactment!!!
Terra Maggiolino says
Sheaffer, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but I’d never caught the Bachelor re-caps! These are ever so much better than watching that show! What I did not know, until the Penny Whistle Park/Lake Highlands reference, is that you’re from Dallas!! Yea! (I grew up in Dallas, but live in Tarrant county now!) Keep it up, you are so entertaining!!
Terra Maggiolino says
Oh, and clearly, I’m a “little slow”, because if I’d read your bio, it says you’re from Dallas and went to LH! Duh! (Sorry!)
Sheaffer says
Yes! I grew up in Lake Highlands!