Before we start talking about a voice that perhaps will make you want to stab your eardrums with a knife….and before we get to witness a very real post traumatic stress episode that bubbles up from childhood from one of our ladies….I want to draw your attention to the green header bar at the top of the blog. Please notice THE BACHELOR tab. If you click there, you can always find ALL of my Bachelor posts.
Okay, now let’s dive right in.
In the opening 30 seconds of the show, it became clear to America that Tink here was still choosing to believe that the cultural norm of women wearing a bra was just an option, merely a suggestion if you will. Even when appearing on National t.v.
You have me to thank for the modesty stars that look like pasties. #yourewelcome
Harrison sauntered in to the sunken living room and presented the ladies with the first date card. Becca K got the first 1:1 date, and the date card said “Hold On Tight”….which is exactly what she had to do when Arie picked her up on the back of his motorcycle. They drove to some property where they were met with a spectacular seafood bar that was spread out along the longest kitchen counter I’ve ever seen. I’d be lying though if I didn’t say if I was worried about the room temperature mussels and oysters.
The date was full of surprises, and it started by Arie introducing Becca to Rachel Zoe. Becca was given the opportunity to try on a ton of dresses from Rachel’s newest collection (I think her muse must have been a disco ball) a la Pretty Woman, and Arie just munched on some seafood and watched the fashion show. After she had tried them all on, he told her she got to keep all of them. She was understandably stoked.
What strikes me in this picture with Rachel is that Arie’s salt and pepper do is reallllllly heavy on the salt.
After he told her she was going to get to keep all the dresses, he then gifted her with a pair of Louboutin’s. #WHOAH #marrymenow
And then after that, a mob boss that appeared to walk right out of the ocean approached the two with a briefcase courtesy of Uncle Neil. And you guessed it, it was filled with diamond accessories. I’m telling ya, Becca totally scored on this first date.
So far I find her to be the most normal of all the girls and very like-able. They made out a bit, and it didn’t make me want to puke, which I consider a win.
Now, before going to dinner, Arie sent Becca back to the mansion to change for the evening. She was wearing the Louboutin’s, and I was for real afraid she was going to twist an ankle, because she was also weighed down with hangers and hangers and bags and bags of dresses. As she waltzed through the living room, pretty much every girl looked at her like this…
They went to dinner…didn’t eat…and then both shared some with the other about their past. Becca had a long term relationship (7 years) that ended, she sadly lost her father to brain cancer, but she’s very close to her mom and sister because they got through the death by leaning on each other. Arie listened and seemed to feel genuine empathy for her story.
He told her that she got to keep the diamond earrings (NO WAY), they made out a bit (told each other they liked kissing each other), and then he almost put her into cardiac arrest when he said he had on more surprise and pulled a rope that dropped confetti. The thing is, it sounded like the confetti was being shot out of a cannon straight out of the Revolutionary War.
Back at the house, the doorbell rang and there was another date card. Krystal’s name was called out and the card said “Home is Where the Heart Is”. So Krystal got a 1:1 date. WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? A SECOND ONE ON ON DATE on Episode 2? I KNOW. It was quite unexpected for all involved.
And y’all. Bless her heart. She sat right on the couch and said “Home is where the heart is. What do you think that means? I have no idea what that means.” Bless her heart. It was during this little exchange that I became confused about Krystal. Her voice teeters between a baby voice and a bedroom voice. I mean, is she a baby? Is she a pole dancer? I was unclear and felt conflicted.
They hopped on a plane and headed to Arie’s hometown (again, she did NOT see that coming) and then to his home (what a surpise). When they got there, they looked through old photo albums and watched some old home videos. And it was here that I appreciated every bit of Arie’s 36 years. The photo albums with actual pictures printed out ON THE STICKY PAGES, behind the plastic sheets. Now THAT’S how a childhood should be documented.
It was all cute and Arie was genuinely embarrassed (which was charming), but isn’t this something that should be done NOT on a first date?
Which begs the question: What else should you not do on a first date? I don’t know, meet the parents? Well, let’s do that too.
Yep, he took her to his parent’s house. And it’s then that I became more than a little concerned.
They headed to dinner and Krystal was wearing a little black dress. And I’m using the term “dress” VERY loosely here. It was more like a little black blouse. I found myself wishing and hoping that it was in fact a romper (although if it was a romper, I definitely would have been worried about chafing)….but I’m pretty sure it was a “dress”.
They talked over dinner about their families. Krystal confided in him that her parents divorced when she was quite young, her dad was never present, she had to buy a comforter for herself at one point because her mom couldn’t afford it, and that her brother was now living on the streets. Personally, I felt Arie’s comforting skills were lacking, but he was able to reassure her that her past didn’t freak him out.
AND LADIES, THE NIGHT WASN’T OVER YET! It was time for the first awkward concert of the season! Yep, time to sway back and forth and feign excitement over the person singing to them on the stage. I will say that this particular artist was pretty easy on the eyes (and kind of looked like Justin Timberlake and Michael Buble had a baby). I will also say that I was willing Krystal not to put her arms around Arie’s shoulder. Because if she did, I feared that her “dress” might have pulled up and shown everything all the way up to her belly button.
After the private concert, Arie did tell the camera that if Krystal was still standing at the end of this journey, that he would want to give her a stable and loving family, because she deserved that. Which was incredibly sweet.
The next morning, the girls were grilling her at the house about how the date went. She was answering all of their questions with very general answers like “it was fun”, and “it was nice.” She wasn’t going to share any details, but her attempt at being coy just came off as being ALL SORTS OF SHADY. And I will tell you, the girls don’t appreciate shady. Especially Bibiana. Who at this point I’m already low key afraid of.
The Group Date was a demolition derby. And 15 girls went on this date. It was the perfect storm for cattiness and concussions. The girls were told to pick and paint a car, but Annaliese was having a moment. The girl was bawling.
It was obvious that she was genuinely upset and scared, and I was guessing that she had probably been in a terrible car wreck, which would explain these very real feelings that she was obviously experiencing.
But boy I was wrong.
WAIT FOR IT.
She had a traumatic bumper car experience. Where “everyone kept hitting her“. You know, what you are supposed to do in bumper cars. And she “felt so alone“. You know, with all of those people surrounding her little car and hitting her with their little cars.
I do want to give extra props to the ABC producer that thought up the bumper car recreation, complete with circus music playing in the background. #WELLDONE
I tell ya, the clip made me nostalgic for Penny Whistle Park. WHO FEELS ME? #lakehighlandsinthehouse
Everybody got suited up and did the slow motion walk into the arena.
Brittany, Bibiana, Tia, and Sienne all OWNED the demolition derby. I’m telling you, the girls were VICIOUS. But Sienne finally prevailed and was the last car standing.
Time for the Group Date cocktail party! Brittany wasn’t there because “she wasn’t feeling well.” Which I imagine was code for “the girl has a concussion.”
Here’s a little synopsis of the cocktail party:
Olivia 2.0 told Arie that she had a son. He took it well. And they kissed. Just fyi, I’m disappointed that she’s not living up to her Olivia 2.0 name. She coming off as way too normal and not nearly psychotic enough. Which is a shame. Fingers crossed the crazy comes out soon.
Sienne and Arie had some alone time. She told him how she’s traveled the world and is a Yale graduate. He was all “I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.” Yep, this will never work. They kissed too. Because why not.
Back in the circle of girls, Bibiana was starting to lose patience, even though she told us that she was telling herself to be patient all the time. She then said “My patience has been trialed a lot.” Which is NOT a thing. She got up, told nobody to effing touch her, told the camera man to stop following her, and slammed the door. And it’s weird, but I found myself starting to like the girl.
It was then time for Arie to spend some time with Tink. BUT Y’ALL. As I was watching them talk, I kept thinking that she looked like somebody I knew. Somebody that wasn’t an animated character. Do you see it? Do you? I’ll give you one hint: Pink Lady. Okay, I’ll give you another hint: Kenickie.
Yep, that’s right. RIZZO!
Henceforth, we will now refer to Tink as Rizzo.
I’ve got to be honest. Their kissing was a little much for me. I think we were supposed to be into it and be really feeling their chemistry. But instead, I just wanted them to both close their mouths about 50%. And I wanted them to use less tongue. Like 70% less tongue. It was truly one of those situations where the LESS IS MORE rule should have been applied.
It was then time for the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party.
And I know this should come as no surprise, but girls were fighting over time with Arie.
Arie kissed Rizzo again. And they were both super in to it. I however was not.
Several girls spent alone time with him, including Krystal…..even though she already had a rose. Which everybody knows is a huge NO NO.
And then Krystal decided she needed just a little more time with Arie. And the girl interrupted his time with Bibiana. Who I am now legit scared of. She said something like “Do you mind?” and Bibiana fired back with “YES. I DO MIND.”
Let’s all give Bibiana a slow clap.
Kendall played her crazy cards a little too soon when she showed him part of her taxidermy collection: an otter and a fruit bat in a jar.
The best part of the night was when Miss Krystal walked in and planted herself next to Bibiana right after she had interrupted her time with Arie.
Bibiana was not having it. She told Krystal that her voice was stupid (I’m summarizing here) and that she couldn’t take her seriously. She didn’t say “talk to the hand” like the picture demonstrates, but she audibly said “drop the mic” when she walked off. Which is basically the same thing.
The following girls got roses: Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana all received roses. Krystal, Becca K, and Sienne already had roses. So there’s now 18 ladies, and I would like to estimate that I could pick only 33% or so out of a line up.
That’s all for today! Leave your Bachelor thoughts in the comments!
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