Y’ALL! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S OVER. I mean, we’ve invested HOURS AND HOURS of our lives into this season. AND NOW IT’S JUST OVER. What in the world are we going to do on Monday nights? WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE Y’ALL GOING TO READ ON WEDNESDAY MORNINGS? Logically, I know the world will keep spinning, but I sure am going to miss the crazy.
If you are a Bachelor fan, but new to these recaps, you might have some catching up to do! Click HERE to see all of the recaps from the previous episodes. In most recent news, last week on The Women Tell All, Olivia surprised me (and many of you) and I went ahead and gave her THE MOST IMPROVED award. #fistbumpolivia
So we opened up the episode in a studio with Harrison telling us that Ben and his chosen gal could very well get married on After The Final Rose. And I don’t know about y’all, but I’m just not okay with that. Neil Lane is standing by, as is Ben’s family, both girl’s families, AND SO IS BEN’S PASTOR (get the man a chair people!). But let’s just get something straight right now, if there is a wedding, when the Pastor asks if there are any objections, I will stand up and I WILL BE HEARD. Cuz that just ain’t right.
First we got a little montage of the girls walking around the island, quietly reflecting on their love stories and staring pensively out into large bodies of water. And apparently the episode is being sponsored by denim shorts from 5-7-9. Lauren’s sadly look like they were from 1989 (was she even born then? probably not) AND they look like they got in a fight with a lawn mower.
Ben showed up to the island house where his parents were staying. The dad asked “Are you in love?” Ben said “Absolutely!” And in that moment, his parents were so happy for him! In the very next second he followed that up with “I’m in love with TWO women.” Um. Time stood still for Ben’s Mama. Mama was sad and obviously very worried that her son was seemingly in love with two different young ladies. We’re all worried Mama. And immediately we all officially became #teamben’smom.
LAUREN MEETS THE FAMILY
Lauren sauntered in with a maxi skirt and a tank top tied at her waist (come on Lauren, step up your outfit game) with flowers and wine, and talked about how she’s wanted to meet them for soooooooooooooooooooooooo long. Since their very first date even! Which, you know, was like 3 1/2 weeks ago. I think Lauren’s definition of “soooooooooooooooooooooo” and my definition of “sooooooooooooooooooooooo” might differ.
When talking with Ben’s dad, she confided that she loves his son. And then she told Mama the same. And she and Mama held hands. I didn’t understand it, but I could appreciate it. Lauren mentioned something about Ben being perfect and Mama straight up guffawed. Like if she would have been drinking something, there would have been a spit take. TALK, MAMA! SPILL!!!! What made you almost snort at the idea of Ben being perfect? The viewing audience would like to know more!!!! After their talk, Mama called Lauren a “sweet gal”, which made me think that at that point Mama was not feeling it.
JOJO MEETS THE FAMILY
When JoJo walked in, I felt an immediate chemistry between JoJo and Mama. JoJo was really nervous, but in a precious and endearing sort of way.
She declared her love for Ben, and then she said something about Ben being really hard on himself. And Mama was like “YESSSSS!” SHE GETS IT!!!! JoJo cried with Ben’s dad when telling him about how much she loves him. And it wasn’t cheesy at all, it was very sincere in fact. And then she told Mama too.
I’m sorry y’all, but am I having deja vu here? Didn’t all of this JUST HAPPEN with another girl?
Anyway, JoJo left and declared to the camera that she was now “a million times more sure.” Sigh. I’m glad somebody is sure.
Mama declared that this was going to be a tough one for her son. #youdon’tsay
Ben talked with his mom and dad some more, and even after both girls met the family, HE STILL DIDN’T KNOW WHO HE WAS GOING TO PICK. Let me go ahead and make a little prediction right now: the future Mrs. Higgins is going to need some serious therapy time for the trust issues she is going to develop after watching the show. And I feel like The Bachelor franchise should kick in some dough for the therapist.
SO NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE LAST DATES WITH BOTH WOMEN.
LAUREN’S LAST DATE
Lauren pulled up in a little boat, and she was still in those denim shorts. She needs to stop it with the shorts already. If Ben needs a sign, THIS SHOULD BE HIS SIGN.
They were snuggling and kissing on a boat, but you didn’t have to be Nancy Drew to know something was wrong.
Lauren asked him what was bothering him, and he was all “Oh, nothin.” But Nancy didn’t believe it. She kept pressing him and he would come back with things like “You’re beautiful.”, which I did not think was a good sign. That night he told her “there’s so much that I could never imagine that’s happened.” But he wasn’t really talking. He wasn’t telling her the real problem. He was using words like “impress” and “support”, and Lauren was FREAKING OUT. But then she told him that she’s never been more sure about everything in her entire life. And I think Lauren and I have different definitions for the word “sure”. But that sentiment from Lauren was met with crickets. CRICKETS. And then he said this: “Lauren, no matter what happens. You’ve made me a better person. You’ve made this worth it. You stood beside me at all times, and um not only allowed me to be better but also to fall in love with you.” Her eyes basically bugged right out of her head, and you can tell she finally got that Ben was having a serious struggle.
Now, before we move on, let’s take a moment. I would like to tip my hat to The Bachelor producers right now. Because I literally HAVE NO IDEA who he is going to pick. What kind of Jedi mind tricks were they playing on us? I mean, did he just say good-bye to Lauren? OR was Ben doing his best to trick us and make us feel like he was going to pick JoJo when it’s really been Lauren all along? I’m a mess. Somebody hand me a bottle.
JOJO’S LAST DATE
Ben picked JoJo up in a Jeep, and her boob game was strong. They frolicked in a waterfall swimming hole together (again),
and then they perched up on a rock (again), and he finally admitted to her that he was confused. She asked why. He said “It’s exactly what you think it is.” And then JoJo puked. Or maybe that was me.
It’s here that I started to feel ragey. You could tell that the man was seriously conflicted…but I was losing patience. BEN, PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND MAKE A FLIPPING DECISION.
That night they sat down together on a couch and he continued to tell her how confused he was. She asked him to tell her what his concern was with the two of them, and he said “this isn’t going to help, but I don’t have one.” And then she rolled her eyes BIG. And I’ve never loved her more.
In the hopes of getting away from the cameras, they moved their conversation to a bathroom stall. And I can’t help but wonder…Are they standing in there? Are they sitting on the floor? Is one of them perched on the toilet? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. But don’t you worry, even though you can’t see them, the bathroom acoustics are stellar and you could still hear everything that went on. And if you couldn’t hear, don’t you worry, because you were provided with subtitles.
And whilst they were sitting on that bathroom floor, I was trying my hardest to sympathize with Ben and figure out where his head was. But I’ve never been in love with 2 people at once. I have however had to choose between a brisket taco with crispy potatoes and sour cream sauce and a shrimp taco with crunchy cole slaw and a creamy remoulade before. And I’m thinking it’s kind of the same thing. Cuz that’s hard, y’all.
Neil Lane showed up, and Ben first acted confused, like he didn’t know who he was
buying choosing the ring for. And at this point we are an hour and half or so in AND HE’S STAYING HE STILL DOESN’T KNOW. Are we supposed to believe that Ben’s TO DO list said “BUY RING FOR ______.” ? All the while Mr. Lane is internally high fiving himself for the fact that he’s getting all of this publicity, but that he’ll most probably be getting the ring back. But then ALL OF A SUDDEN Ben said he DID know who he was choosing. WELL IT’S ABOUT DANG TIME! And when I looked at the ring, I thought it looked like a JoJo ring.
TIME FOR THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
We got to catch a glimpse of both girls getting ready. Lauren chose a royal blue body conscious dress, and JoJo chose a pageant dress. Both girls looked fab. And even though I realized I should of probably hated JoJo’s dress, I didn’t. In my mind, JoJo and those boobs can do no wrong.
Time for the helicopter rides to the proposal scene. I held my breath when waiting to see who was going to be the first girl to arrive. A foot with a strappy sandal stepped out of the helicopter, I got a glimpse of some sequins, and I was all “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
JoJo was the first one to show up, which historically does not bode well. She walked on some creeky planks thrown on top of some merky water to get to her man. And then she went through her whole spill (BEN! FOR THE LOVE! DON’T LET HER KEEP TALKING!). She ended her monologue by saying “No matter how hard it gets, I’m not going to run from this.” Ben responded by saying, “I didn’t know if I could find love. I found it with you. BUT I found it with somebody else more.”
Outch. That had to sting.
And I found myself wondering where the Fletcher brothers were. I imagined they were sitting at home looking something like this.
Ben was sad about JoJo’s exit for about a minute and half and then he called Lauren’s dad and says he was “so confident and so excited.” OH, REALLY BEN? REALLLLLLLLLLLLY? SO confident? Again, I would have disagree with his use of “so” here. Ben asked Lauren’s daddy for her hand, and the dad said yes.
Lauren arrived, they both said a lot of sweet things, and then he got down on 1 knee and proposed. And as mad as I was at him a short 3 minutes ago, the rage somehow faded away. The way he was looking at Lauren was actually very sweet, and he all of a sudden appeared to be a 1 woman kind of man.
And call me crazy, but I think these two kids are actually in love. Only time will tell if the future Mrs. Higgins can get over the whole Ben handing out I Love You’s like Oprah.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
So now we are back in the studio with the studio audience. Harrison and Ben sat down and he verified that Ben was all sorts of torn up when making the decision, but he also held him to the fire and asked him what the deciding factor was. Ben said it was the fact that even though he loved both of them, he couldn’t imagine spending any of his life without Lauren.
JoJo came out first and DANG, GIRL! She was wearing her YOUR A BIG OL’ DODO FOR NOT PICKING ME DRESS. GIRL LOOKS GORGEOUS. Her make-up, her hair, her dress, her lip gloss, her boobs (duh)…everything is good. Ben started saying a ton of nice things about her, and I’m all BEN! BE CAREFUL! DON’T SAY THAT YOU LOVE HER! And then like 2 minutes later, Harrison just flat out asked him if he did still love her. HARRISON! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? He didn’t say it. Whew. #thatwasacloseone
JoJo was incredibly gracious and it made me love her even more.
Harrison then got up and announced the new Bachelorette. AND YA’LL! IT’S GOING TO BE JOJO!!!!!! No offense to Caila and her shiny and bouncy hair, but I was super excited to hear it was JoJo! And ya’ll, NOBODY was more surprised than Ben with the JoJo announcement. He gave the slowest of all slow caps I have ever witnessed.
Harrison looked at Ben and asked “Good choice?” And Ben said, “Yes. Where do I sign up?” Just kidding, he didn’t say that.
And as excited as I am that it’s JoJo, I’m feeling SUPER sorry for Caila right now. I hope she gets an endorsement deal from Pantene or something.
Lauren came out and looked gorgeous as well. They talked, giggled, and declared their love for one another. And Harrison did EVERYTHING HE COULD to get them to agree to a live t.v. wedding AT THAT VERY MOMENT, but thank heavens they declined. WHEW! That was a close one!
But y’all, Ben then asked Lauren to stand up. And he proposed again. And I found it soooooooooooooooooooooo awkward. See, Lauren? That’s an appropriate use of the word “sooooooooooooooooooooo.”
Lauren’s gorgeous family and Ben’s family both came up to the stage, and I really felt like you could tell that this was a good match! They all seemed to fit right in with each other.
So what do y’all think? Are Ben and Lauren in it for the long haul? Are they going to have little turtle babies and live happily ever after? Are you as excited as I am to watch JoJo and her boobs on her quest for love? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!
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Okay! See y’all back here on Friday!