This is just a theory, but listen to me. I think Mike Fleiss is trying to kill me dead. Hear me out. 4 hours of Bachelor this week AND THEN 5 HOURS NEXT WEEK. This is crazy. Normally I would fortify myself with tacos…BUT I’M NOT EATING TACOS RIGHT NOW. Fortifying myself with tuna salad with Greek yogurt INSTEAD OF MAYO just doesn’t have the same effect. I’m thinking I might have to break the diet and make a Taco Bueno run on Tuesday, just to get through it all. Mexi Dips and Chips make everything better. And a party taco. And maybe a party burrito. #thisisanojudgementzone
If you missed yesterday’s post, you must go there now. You need a little background before you start on today’s post. As mentioned yesterday, this girl (WHO IS SHE?) wants to burn the joint down. She’s not playing around and she is NOT happy with Arie……..and I am intrigued. #passthepopcorn #andthejuniormints
The 3 remaining ladies are spending this week in Peru with our bachelor. Arie let us know that he could totally see himself falling in love in Peru and that he’s excited to get to know the remaining 3 girls on a whole new level. #winkwink #fantasysuitsbaby
And I didn’t know this, but apparently Peruvian dress code requires girls to wear crop tops. It’s MANDATORY y’all.
Let’s get started!
The date opened up with Kendall sporting Lauren’s NKOTB look from last week. Is this a thing? Is NKOTB fashion a thing? If it is, I don’t support it.
Arie was waiting for her in the middle of the desert. And get this, he was NOT wearing blue. I felt confused.
A dune buggie pulled up, they threw on some bandanas, and they took off. Arie actually said, “Riding in a Dune buggie on sand dunes is kind of like a relationship. There are ups and downs. It’s scary, but exciting.”
The ability of the producers to legitimately turn ANYTHING into a metaphor for a relationship (and then feed the line to the star) never ceases to amaze me. But watching them together, it’s obvious that he really digs her.
Then they went sand surfing, and she bit it HARD. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned about the amount of sand that is most probably in all sorts of crevices right now. I mean, tonight is the fantasy suite date, and CHAFING IS REAL.
But don’t worry, being the gentleman that he is, Arie jumped off his board and threw his body on top of hers. Yeah, that helped. There was also lots of giggling on this date. LOTS of giggling. And I think I missed the joke.
Important to note, Kendall said if Arie proposed to her right now, she would probably say “no”. I like this girl. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. HOWEVER. I would like to point out the obvious that a proposal is probably only like 5 days away, so it’s not like she’s planning on holding out for all that long. She’s like “not today….but in 5 days I should be good to go for a lifetime commitment.”
At dinner, Kendall was basically trying to talk him out of liking her. But he was sweet and encouraging, and then she started to turn. And then she said, “I am falling in love with you.” And he said, “I’m falling for you too.” And then they made out. So, at this time, we’re 1 date in…and he’s already said the LOVE word once. Now granted, he said I’m falling in love with you, but he still said the L word.
Kendall opened the fantasy suite date card and agreed to spend the night with him, and they woke up all smiles. M]I was hoping that maybe the smiles were just from cuddling and learning how the other one likes their eggs. But then, Arie asked her how she was feeling after last night…emotionally, not physically. #gag
They cooked breakfast (shout out to Kendall who likes a fried egg sunny side up and crispy on the edges!) and made out some more. And she finally said she could see herself engaged to Arie. So, the last 12 hours totally changed her mind on if she was ready for marriage or not. Good to know.
All was right with the world, because Arie was decked out in blue from head to toe. And good news, Lauren expected this and thought they should color coordinate. Also, Lauren decided to get her Nancy Drew on again when she exclaimed “There’s a plane behind you.” I’m telling you, nothing gets by this girl.
They hopped on a tiny little plane and flew over some crop circles. And this is how excited they were to be traveling together and exploring the unknown with each other.
They sat out at a little cafe, and Lauren said, “The stronger I feel about you, the stronger my fears are.” Arie did his best to reassure her, but then she even said “I’ve felt before like I don’t even know if I could do this anymore.” This was Arie’s face.
JK. This was his face. He was legitimately stunned and upset by the idea of Emily…. err, I mean Lauren leaving.
She said, “I need to feel like I’m the only girl that you see.” LAUREN. HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE?
Let me sum up their conversation that night: Lauren said “like” approximately 23,000 times. Arie said “Yeah” in response all 23,000 times. And then they both said I Love You. For those of you keeping score, that’s 1 I’m falling in love with you (with Kendall) and 1 full blown I love you (with Lauren).
But even with the love declarations, the date was falling a little flat for me. The producers tried to make it more exciting by piping in some Lee Ann Rimes “How Could I Live Without You?” over their date. And you can say what you want about these two, BUT I WAS THERE FOR THE SONG. I might have even sung along and busted out a bit of harmony.
They woke up the next morning and said “I love you” approximately 23,000 times each. That’s just a rough estimate. And Lauren said, “I can’t see Arie ending up with anybody else but me.”
And the next morning, Arie wore this. What the hell.
Becca showed up in a crop top (obviously) and mounted her man.
And then he moaned as they kissed. This man moans when he kisses…and when he eats. Um, that’s a deal breaker.
They road around on a catamaran, and talked about their future. I imagined that this was them looking at their future. My prediction: it’s not clear skies and glassy water.
They had dinner that night in a tent in the middle of the desert. And I’m thinking that production hadn’t adequately described where they would be that evening, because Becca’s crushed velvet dress wouldn’t have been her first choice had she known. Arie shared lots of concerns with Becca, including the fact he was scared that he might not choose the right person.
She accepted the fantasy suit (OBVI). But y’all. It was in a tent in the dessert.
A tent in the middle of a desert DOES NOT A FANTASY SUITE MAKE. I’d like to throw a question out there: Where is the bathroom? Behind the fiddle leaf?
They told each other they loved each other LOTS OF TIMES. So that’s 1 falling in love with you and 2 straight up (and multiple) I Love You‘s. I have a metaphor of my own here, and it involves Oprah. #yougetaniloveyou #yougetaniloveyou #yougetaniloveyou
He told the camera, “I’m so in love with this girl. She’s literally perfect.”
And then Becca said, “I love him so much. Nothing can take that away at all.”
And that my friends is what we call FORESHADOWING.
SO LET’S REVIEW, PEOPLE.
Arie has flat out told 2 women that HE LOVES THEM. Multiple times. And I think we are probably all assuming that he did the big wiggle with all 3 women?
I just can’t.
I remember when Ben Higgins used the L word with a couple of girls, and he was genuinely torn up about it. Not Arie, he’s throwing around the L word and wiggling with everybody in sight. Not cool.
So when we last left Becca, she was waxing poetic about how nothing could take their love away.
CUE ROSS IN HIS TIGHT SUIT.
Becca’s ex-boyfriend (they dated for 7 years and ended things about a year ago) hopped a flight to Peru and then drove 5 hours to claim his girl. He would have swam there if he had to. We know this because he told us at least 3 times. He walked right up to Arie’s room, knocked on the door, and introduced himself as Becca’s ex. Arie told the camera he was so confused when he opened the door. He was like, “Why is hotel management here?” Which was quite possibly the best line of the entire season.
I think Arie handled himself beautifully. This Ross character went on and on about how he was there to win Becca back. Arie said, “I can’t speak for her, but we are pretty far along. We’ve both said I Love You.” If I were Arie, I might have also mentioned to him that he could have gone to try to get his girl back IN THEIR HOMETOWN. Because they were there last week.
Social media was apparently blowing up with people talking about how cute he was (I didn’t see it) and how he should be the next bachelor! Um, no thanks. I thought he seemed like a total DB.
And before we go any further, I think it’s worth noting that the ex needed to size up in his suit pants.
Ross showed up at Becca’s door. She opened it and was like WHAT. THE. FREAK.
And I love how she handled herself too. She told him she would talk to him, but not in her room. They walked down the breezeway, and she sat on a couple of stairs while he stood above her and tried to win her back. He seemed well rehearsed and not at all genuine. And Becca was having none of it. #YOUGOGIRL
Ross skulked off with his tail between his legs as Becca told the camera, “I can’t go back to that. I don’t want to go back to that.” Something tells me this guy was no prize.
Becca composed herself and then headed to Arie’s room. He was sweet with her, and she told him that she didn’t even entertain the idea of going back to him.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME
Okay, I’m running out of steam so let’s keep this short and sweet. The girls were gorgeous, Arie was kind of goofy, and there was a random horse in the background. There’s a joke there, but I’m too tired to think of it.
In order to spare Kendall’s feelings a bit, he asked to talk to her privately where he let her know that she would not be meeting his family. She handled it beautifully of course, and then was on her way. Dare I say it, although sad, I think I might have sensed a bit of relief from Kendall.
Arie went back to his remaining two women, handed out roses, and they made a toast to the future.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?