So if you’ve missed my previous Bachelor recaps, you simply must click HERE and do some catching up. Lots of cringe worthy moments that you don’t want to miss!
Remember that last week Nick pulled an Oprah and handed out 3 goodbyes before a rose ceremony even took place. You’re going home! You’re going home! YOU’RE GOING HOME!!!! The episode had ended with Nick crying to the remaining women and telling them that he didn’t know if the process was working. And then they all started worrying that maybe the 4th time wasn’t the charm. Say it ain’t so!
The show opened this week in the same state of emotional turmoil. Let’s review. Nick was wondering if he could do this. The girls were all wondering if Nick could do this. Chris Harrison was wondering if Nick could do this. And America was all, OF COURSE YOU CAN DO THIS. And if you think you can’t, just take a look the contract you signed saying YOU
CAN WILL DO THIS. #goodtalk
After talking to Harrison, Nick went back to the hotel room to talk to the girls. I heard sounds and I saw his lips moving, so I know he said something. I’m just not sure what. OPEN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SPEAK, NICK. FOR THE LOVE. Can somebody get me some closed captioning?
Even though I literally had no idea what he said, I was left to assume that he continued on with the show because I saw relief wash over all of the girl’s faces. Not to mention, at this point we were only like 7 minutes in to a 2 hour show. He then announced to the remaining girls that they were all going to go to BIMINI! YAY!!!! Bimini!!!!!
Wait. Bimini? Huh? Where?
The girls screamed as if they were super excited and like I was supposed to know where the heck Bimini was. Nobody has ever heard of Bimini before. If you say you have, I don’t believe you. Never fear though, I googled it. It’s by the Bahamas. I’M IN! LET’S GO TO BIMINI! Plus, it’s super fun to say.
1:1 Date: Let’s Go Deeper….with Vanessa
Vanessa was pumped. Corinne was not. I mean, this was Vanessa’s 2nd 1:1, and Corinne hasn’t had one yet. This is when Corinne told the world that she was “frustrated and bloated”. I tell ya what, this girl is becoming more likable by the minute. I mean frustrated AND BLOATED? Sheaffer can relate.
When she arrived at her date on the pier, Vanessa pulled off a classic run and jump and then declared that she had never been on a boat before. What? Never been on a boat? How is this even possible? Somebody better get her a Dramamine stat, because history has proven she is likely to barf.
While on the boat, I think they were having deep conversation….but I was too distracted by his bracelet to really know what was happening. 2004 called and wants it’s bracelet back. (Sidenote, we will probably find out that this bracelet has some incredible meaning. If we do, I apologize for my stupid joke.)
And can we study this picture for a minute? Imagine yourself…in that red bikini….with snorkel gear on…..with your feet in the stirrups position. How in the world can she make this look good?
They snorkeled and made out under water in full snorkel gear. Vanessa admitted to the camera that she was falling in love with him and that she planned on telling him that night. At dinner, Vanessa toasted to firsts. She said, ” 1st Time on a Yacht. 1st Time Jumping on a Yacht. 1st Time Snorkeling.” And then she told him that she was falling in love with him. Nick spoke gibberish for the next minute and a half trying to tell Vanessa why he couldn’t say he loved her back yet. For all of you long time readers out there, he basically said “eh” with a shrug and tilt. Vanessa might not have been happy with his answer, but I was happy that Nick seemed to learn from Ben’s mistake (freely handing out “I Love You”s). Yep, I was personally glad that he didn’t #pullahiggins.
I’m sure the whole situation was upsetting to Vanessa, but I was too distracted by her hair to really even notice. We are talking Beyonce level with a wind machine proportions. Why is it that when the wind blows, my hair just goes in my mouth and gets stuck in my lip gloss?
GROUP DATE: Corinne, Kristina, Raven – Let’s Just In With Both Feet First
The girls arrived, walked up to a yacht (Good news: Corinne loves yachts), and Nick greeted them in a pair of festive floral swim trunks. And if it’s possible, I think his trunks are getting progressively smaller.
The girls stripped off their cover-ups and then Nick rubbed 2 of them down with sunscreen, paying special attention to Kristina’s inner thigh area. You can’t be too careful. #spf #safetyfirst However. If I were Nick, I would have been a little less concerned about Kritina’s upper thigh and a little more concerned that Raven was having to try to reach her back herself. I mean, that could set her off.
Nick told the group that they were going to be swimming with sharks. Kristina was petrified, Corinne asked if the sharks had teeth, and here’s what we now know about Raven:
They all had a quick swim WITH THE SHARKS. And I felt like it was just plain rude that Alexis wasn’t there.
It didn’t take long for Kristina to be all PEACE OUT and get back on the boat. Nick followed to check on her, never mind the fact that it looked like Corinne was calling out Nick’s name and drowning.
The group met again that night, and he gave the group date rose to Raven. It’s important to note here that Raven getting the rose was sending Corinne into dangerous territory. Corinne said, “Corinne is going to keep doing Corinne until I’m engaged to him.” She also said, “I’m just eating cheese. I’m eating my feelings.” Y’all. Tell me you aren’t starting to like Corinne too. #thatsright #youcant
Next 1:1 – Let’s Ride Off Into The Sunset Together with Danielle.
Nick and Danielle rode bikes through the town, played basketball with some kids, ate some local fare, and really struggled for conversation.
At dinner that night, the struggle continued. I mean, she professed her love to him…but I’ve got to say, it fell seriously flat. It’s like she was talking about how much she loves brushing her teeth or something. So, she professed her love, and Nick looked something like this.
Nick told her that he couldn’t see her being the one, and they both cried.
It was around this time back at the beach house that Corinne started plotting. Because by golly Corinne was going to keep doing Corinne.
In case you hadn’t heard (J/K – they played the sound bite around 17,000 times this episode), Corinne’s heart is made of gold and her vajeen is made of platinum. #goodtoknow So in Corinne’s effort to keep doing Corinne, she set off on a mission.
I’m going to affectionately refer to her Plan of Action as OPERATION PLATINUM VAJEEN.
Let’s walk through the steps, shall we?
Step 1: Throw on a jumpsuit with a plunging neckline and apply lip gloss.
Step 2: GAME FACE.
Step 3: Put on Louboutins. Never mind that you can’t walk in them.
Step 4: Apply Dry Shampoo.
Step 5. Surprise Nick.
Step 6: Drink, start to make out on the couch, take it to the bedroom.
Step 7: Step 7 should have been to TURN OFF THE MICROPHONES.
Step 8: Instruct him to never jiggle, but lightly massage.
Step 9: Make kissing noises and moan.
Step 10: When leaving hotel, bypass the automatic door and head straight to the manual door. I’m thinking that bypassing the wide open auto door is somehow a metaphor for life, but I haven’t settled on the meaning just yet.
Step 11: Call her best friend (Raquel) and have her give her #pv a pep talk. Because I think this is what the ol’ p.v. looked like after being turned down by Nick. Surprised and confused.
So basically, Corinne tried to seduce Nick…but Nick showed some restraint and he shut ‘er down. The whole thing was a little anticlimactic. #seewhatididthere #badumching
Final 1:1 – Let’s Get a Taste of the Local Flavor with Rachel
Rachel was obviously pumped that she got the last chance to make an impression before the rose ceremony. They hung out together at a local dive bar, and you could tell they were just having a good time. There was more talk about The Honorable Judge Daddy. They decided Nick would most definitely refer to him as “sir”, and Rachel tried to put his fears at ease.
And then they had a moment with the bartender. He said, “Make sure he needs you, not just wants you.” I love it when the bartender lays down some truth. #micdrop
Now all the dates had happened, and the girls were back at the house trying to decide what they thought was going to happen at the rose ceremony. And Corinne was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Nick waltzed through the door, asked to speak to Kristina, and they headed out to the back patio.
They sat down, and Nick was a wreck. He told her that he had stronger relationships with other girls in the house. She fired back with “You didn’t give me a chance.” Nick then said, “This is not because I don’t think you’re amazing.” And he looked genuinely torn up.
And then this happened. Nick leaned over a balcony, while questioning his actions, and crying. #classic
Kaitlyn did it on her season.
And I do believe Jason Mesnick was the pioneer. Yep, he was a real trail blazer.
I do have one final request, I think somebody needs to put out an APB for Vanessa. WHERE DID SHE GO? She was totally MIA for about 80% of the show.
I would like to make some predictions. Corinne and her #pv go to Paradise. YEAH! Nick chooses to not continue his journey for love on this season. Instead, he goes home….and, wait for it…..shows back up on Rachel’s season. Ha, JK, but wouldn’t that be somethin’.
And in closing, let’s talk about the fact that Rachel has already been announced as the next Bachelorette! I like her (I like her a lot), but I was of course surprised they made the announcement WHEN SHE’S STILL ON THE SHOW, but whatevs. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT WITH YOUR THOUGHTS.
Now, before you go, the ladies over at Accessory Concierge did us a solid and have extended the 20% OFF SALE code for another 48 hours. Use the code STMT20 for 20% OFF your entire order! Here are the pieces and the outfits I highlighted on Monday’s post!
Here’s a side by side of the necklaces with my trusty must have jacket and my new white distressed skinny jeans.
Get The Look For Yourself Here:
And here’s a side by side with different necklaces with my new modern cardi!
Get The Look For Yourself Here:
See y’all back here on Friday!