It’s a new week, it’s a new episode!!!!!
But if you need a Bachelor review before getting started on this week’s episode, I’ve got you covered.
Episode 1, click HERE. That time I had to google the spelling for wiener. “I before e, except after c” still applies.
Episode 2, click HERE. That time we realized Arie was basically dating his mother.
Episode 3, click HERE. That time the “lunch lady” wrestled the “sex kitten”. And the lunch lady won.
Episode 4, click HERE. That time a girl almost drank her pee for love.
Episode 5 (part 1), click HERE. That time Arie grounded one of his girlfriends. And we loved it.
Episode 5 (part 2), click HERE. That time one of the girls told Arie she would totally eat a human.
Okay, ladies. Let’s first talk about Little Miss Rizzo. I honest to heavens got no less than 50 e-mails, instagram messages, facebook messages, etc from y’all over the weekend. It started out with one of my sorority sisters (Shout Out, Emily!) who sent me a link to THIS article on people.com. And then the flood gates opened from there….
Email after email from you good people making sure I had heard that the NANNY was on a missing person’s list in California after she had fled her mother’s house to go be a POT FARMER.
Shaking my dang head.
Don’t worry, Mama. She wasn’t missing. She was just on The Bachelor. #whew
We kicked off the episode this week in Paris! I mean, it’s no Fort Lauderdale, but it’ll do.
While the ladies were descending a stair case, I couldn’t help notice that Krystal was channeling her inner Sandy. What is it with these girls and Grease? I mean, she looked like she was going straight to the carnival to meet Danny and let him know that she was willing to abandon her good girl morals and go over to the slutty black leather side to win his love. #tellmeaboutitstud
There’s no denying the similarities.
I also need to spend a moment analyzing wardrobe choices here. These girls do not look like they are going to the same event.
And even though Harrison can’t be bothered to show up much anymore, you can bet your boots he was in Paris. He had a heart to heart with Arie, and then he showed up to let the girls know there would be 4 dates in Paris: two 1:1 dates, a group date, and the dreaded (AND MUCH ANTICIPATED) 2:1!
TWO ON ONE! TWO ON ONE! TWO ON ONE!
I mean, we all knew immediately that it would be Krystal on the 2:1. Because Bachelor producers aren’t stupid.
Krystal even said, “I wonder who will go on the 2:1 with me?” And it occurred to me that by her realizing that she was 100% going on the 2:1, it was the most self aware moment I’d ever seen her have. But then in the next second she said, “I’m not backing away, there’s just no one on my level.” Sigh. It was good while it lasted. The whole .6 seconds.
The first date card said “Lauren…..and then something in French.” I was excited that Lauren got the first date because although she is as cute as a dang button, I haven’t ever felt like I knew who she was. At that point, I was hopeful that once I got to know her, I would love her! She’s a Dallas girl, after all. Spoiler Alert: the deafening silence I was about to experience dashed all of my hopes pretty quickly.
Arie and Lauren were picked up and taken away as one of the girls exclaimed, “Oh, how cute. They are going on a gondola.”
And I was like “Uhhhhhhhhhh, that’s not a gondola.”
They cuddled on the NOT A gondola, and he told her he had saved that date for her. Which was sweet. Arie was excited because they were in Paris and he just knew it was going to be an incredible date.
BUT Y’ALL.
Arie was wrong.
Reallllllllllllllllllly wrong.
It was awkward.
Painful even.
And did I mention awkward?
The conversation was not flowing. In fact, it was pretty much non-existent. The longest stream of conversation I heard was about cheese. He actually said, “You see that all the time in Holland. Big wheels of cheese like this.” And after a dramatic pause, Lauren said “Wow.”
And then she said “Wow” 4 more times. Like Arie was pointing out BEAUTIFUL Parisian architecture, and she was like “Wow.” And it wasn’t even a super exited or passionate “WOW!!!!!”. It wasn’t even a mildly impressed “Wow”. Nope. Just a matter of fact, run of the mill “wow”.
And then I was like “WOW”.
It was uncomfortable.
This was me watching the date.
I will give her this: She did look absolutely DARLING in her purple romper. It’s important and it needed to be said.
But at that point in the date, let me sum up what I believed Arie’s feelings to be. Although BORED TO TEARS, he thinks she’s HOT. I mean, they can’t hold a conversation to save their lives. Still, he would love to spend his life with her. Because HOT.
I did find it super interesting that although I think most guys would have just been annoyed and mind numbingly bored, he instead was just worried that she didn’t like him.
That night at dinner, he offered a toast, “To a really amazing day……I couldn’t have pictured a better today.”
Huh?
I mean, the guy was clearly blinded by her beauty. Because I saw their date, and I think we all could have pictured a better day. Getting x rays at the dentist could have been a better day. And I HATE how they place those stupid rubber things in your mouth and ask you to bite down. But it still would have better.
And purely fyi: I’ll have you know that if I was on a date and a guy brought up a cheese, I would get really excited and passionate about cheese. I’d rattle off lots of different favorite cheeses, why I liked each of them, and what emotion each different cheese elicited from me. I’d be the freaking Bubba Gump of cheese.
That night at dinner, Lauren was again looking gorg. But after he toasted their “wonderful day“, there were crickets again. And then they talked about how crazy busy the city was. And how it was kind of scary.
Arie: It was so busy out there today. Like, really busy. Almost like, insane.
Lauren: Yeah, that kind of freaked me out a little bit.
WHUH? I mean, we all saw their date. And yes, there were people. But did y’all feel like the city was overpopulated? OR that there was an abundance of people on the street? Or that the crowds were scary?
Yeah, me neither.
I felt confused y’all. We were dealing with conversations about cheese and crowds. And they weren’t even conversations. They were statements.
Lauren then said it was hard for her to open up, and that she normally friend zones guys for like 6 months. Which made me question her for going on a dating show where she might end up engaged in 6 weeks. Doesn’t seem doable or conducive to her preferred dating methodology.
But then it got serious, y’all.
Arie told Lauren about how in the past he had been very serious with a woman who had two kids, and that they had lived together for a couple of years. Then he said, “she was actually pregnant with my child.”
And this was me.
He went on to explain that they weren’t in the best place when it happened, as evidenced by the fact that Arie said when he found out about her being pregnant that he thought “maybe it’s meant to be.” He was in the middle of a busy racing season at the time, and when he was away on a race, she called him and said “I lost the baby, ,and I won’t be here when you come back.”
Lauren responded with a monotone and very lackluster “that is terrible“. She couldn’t have had less emotion.
After her stone faced “that is terrible“, she opened up and told Arie that her parents didn’t have the best marriage and that she was engaged to her last boyfriend. He started not treating her very nicely after they got engaged, which is why she’s guarded. And she was sure to throw in that she was scared that she was “not going to be able to open up enough“.
And Arie ate it up. Because HOT.
He stated that he “loves the little moments he’s seen” from her and he finds her “amazing” (subtext: HOT).
She got the rose.
*************************************************************
Rizzo, Sienne, Tia, Bekah M, Sienne, and Jenna were on the group date and the date card said “Let’s get all dressed up.”
They strolled up to the Moulin Rouge, and Arie stated that this date today was, and I quote, “FOR THE WOMEN.” That was what he said, but this is what I heard:
Jenna was STOKED! She was finally going to get her stripper on in an acceptable environment!
They practiced with the Moulin Rouge crew, and Tia was giving me such great joy. She did not get it. And I loved her for it. After practice, they ran off to get costumes and then perform for Arie, and they were informed that the winner was going to get extra time with him.
And I was reminded of Olivia. Go Big or Go Home, ladies.
COMMIT.
WEAR THAT THONG. SHIMMY THOSE SHOULDERS. SHAKE THAT BOOTY.
And then they all got their costumes. And I was sooooooooooooooooo excited, because LOOK Y’ALL! Rizzo was wearing her first bra! And I thought, you know who she should share this first bra experience with? HER MOTHER.
CALL YOUR MOTHER.
The girls all shimmied into their costumes. And they all got black modesty boxes across their tushies. But let’s talk seriously about their costumes for a second. Come on ABC, you’re better than this. It’s one thing if a girl chooses to wear a thong….it’s a whole other thing entirely to be put in a thong.
. 
The girls all did a little pass in front of Arie (I was underwhelmed), but I have to say Arie creeped me out a bit watching it all go down.
They headed to the group date cocktail party. Tia and Arie got some time first. She told him she was starting to daydream about him.
In his alone time with Rizzo, she told him that she was starting to notice feelings of jealousy towards the other women. And oiliness in her t zone.
Sienne spoke a bit in French during their time together. Because she can do no wrong.
Chelsea voiced her concerns during an interview about being on a group date and wondering who Arie had the best connections with. While talking about Bekah, she said “I’m a 29 year old mom, and she’s a 22 year old free spirit.”
me: And a weed farmer on a missing person list.
But that’s neither here nor there.
Rizzo got the rose. And she immediately started crying. She said “I’m soooo excited! I got the rose! Which means I get to be here another week!” And I was like, “You know what you should do right now? YOUR MOM. You should CALL YOUR MOM.”
So, since Rizzo got the rose, she was going to get the privilege of performing with Arie on stage.
AND Y’ALL. I WAS NOT EXPECTING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.
They walked on the stage and Arie began to “lip sync”. I use that term extremely loosely because he really just opened his mouth every so often as a French song happened to be playing in the background. It was a whole new level of uncomfortable.
And then the cameras cut to this table in the audience.
Bitter.
Party of 5.
AND SCENE.
All right, that’s it for today! Tomorrow we will dissect the 2:1 date, the other 1:1, and the rose ceremony!
In the meantime..
EVERYBODY CALL YOUR MOM.
It’s just the right thing to do.
Now before you go, a couple of things you need to know about!
I’ve been eyeing this sweater for awhile, but it was expensive, so I had refrained. Well, now it’s 40% OFF. And my will power is gone. I sized down and got an x-small in the blush.
And my thermal swing top is now 40% OFF! I’m wearing a small here, but the x-small is on it’s way to me, and I think I might like it better. If you want to see it on me with leggings, click HERE.
thermal swing top / lace bralette /the best strapless bra / $12 necklace / earrings / high wasted jeans / similar booties
See you back here tomorrow for Part 2 of the Bachelor recap!
Erika Slaughter says
I’m one of the 50! I probably read the article I saw three times! Hope she called her mama after getting the rose. :). And I have the blush Free People sweater. You’re gonna love it!
Shay Shull says
Sheaffer, I was cringing just reading this!!! This show can be so AWKWARD!
Narci says
Great recap friend!!! So funny! And, that sweater is adorable! Checking it out now!
Lis says
I bought that sweater in black after Shay posted about it – eager to hear your thoughts! I bought an xs and feel like it is too big on me still! Kind of hangs off of me too much. And I am for sure bigger than Shay – but hers looks adorable. Hmm. Can’t wait to see how it looks on you/what you think of it.
Stephanie says
Love love love these posts!!! I was laughing out loud reading this!!! Can’t wait till part 2!!! Rizzo wore her first bra!!! ????????
Beth says
That date would have been my worst nightmare. The only Moulin Rouge date I’m interested in is one that involves Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman!
Also how cute was Bekah in that blonde wig?! I love her pixie cut but she should have stolen that blonde bob to keep.
Meredith says
I agree. She looked super cute in the blonde wig!
Amy says
Another great recap! I thought Crystal was trying to pull a Sandy from Grease as well. ????????????I hate to admit it but she was one of my favorites at the beginning…boy was I wrong! ????I’ve been waiting for that Free people sweater to go on sale as well. Just added the cream to my cart along with two of the thermal tops. ????Thanks Sheaffer!
Becky M. says
You are a treasure, when you call your Mother and Dad, please sent them my love…
April Parrish says
Girl, you are too funny with these recaps!!! Love it!
Brooke Richardson says
So I still don’t think even if Lauren would come out of her shell completely that she would turn into this fun girl whom Conversation just flowed with. She is very quiet and just boring in my opinion. I have no idea why she would even come on this show with her 6 month friend zone past. Arie was so blinded by her looks, I was shaking my head the whole time.
Paula says
Arie is so boring, I think it might just be a match made in heaven. (The duller than dirt part of heaven.)
Sarah says
The Bubba Gump of cheese! Too funny. Thanks for the recaps!
Amy at Suburban Soiree says
The first bra. The lip syncing. I’m dying.
https://www.suburbansoiree.com
Gina says
I love these posts! I immediately thought of Sandy when Krystal had that outfit on. I was so surprised Lauren was given a rose…..watching that date was torture! Chelsea was on the group date too but I don’t believe she put a thong on. It never showed her until sitting around the table with the date rose. Looking forward to the 2:1 date post!
Meredith says
I also noticed that i never saw Chelsea all dressed up on the group date and was so confused??
Amanda says
This comments is EXACTLY what I was thinking while watching! I adore you for saying it!! And they just walked on by all the cheese. STOP AND EAT SOME!
“And purely fyi: I’ll have you know that if I was on a date and a guy brought up a cheese, I would get really excited and passionate about cheese. I’d rattle off lots of different favorite cheeses, why I liked each of them, and what emotion each different cheese elicited from me. I’d be the freaking Bubba Gump of cheese”
YESSSSSS!
alyssa hohle says
And oiliness in her t zone ???????? this whole episode was so uncomfortable
cassie {hi sugarplum} says
I just snorted like 7 times, much to my dog’s annoyance! These recaps get funnier every week…def better than the actual show!!
Amy says
Sheaffer – Thank you so much for this recap! I needed a good laugh today. I do not watch the show, but I do make a point of reading your posts. Plus, given that my aunt once suggested that I abandon my career to become a cheese expert, I can totally relate to your enthusiasm for cheese. Also…I just texted my mother. Thanks for the reminder.
Jenny says
I don’t watch the Bachelor but love reading your recaps!! “I would be the freaking Bubba Gump of cheese!” Hilarious ????????!!! Thanks for giving me some laughter today!
Melissa says
lol! That was one of the best line from all of your recaps. Wouldn’t this show be so much entertaining with intelligent 30-40 year old women who know how to start a conversation?!
Laura says
This recap is perfection! I cannot wait to see what you have to say about the Great Krystal Exit. I’m thinking that Lauren is one of the final girls, and the recipient of some bad editing at this point to make us feel this way about her.
Meredith says
I do kind of wonder the same thing. ABC does whatever they want to get ratings so perhaps in reality she talked a bit more than they portrayed?? Just a hunch. But if she really was quiet I wonder if she was intimidated by the cameras? I know I would be??
Susan Jeffries says
I wait for this recap all week! This is the most awkward show on tv. Or maybe its the only show on tv I ever watch;). It takes us a bout 4 nights to watch one show, because our teenage daughter is not home much. But it provides so much good laughter in our house. Our daughter – who is 17 – wants to apply to be on the show next year so she can score some of those amazing outfits(: She is a dancer, and even she was appalled at the whole thong ordeal. Thanks for the fun!
Marie says
Training bra and call your mom! BAHAHAHA!!!!!
Terra Maggiolino says
Ha! I have to admit, the very first thing I thought of when I read that she was listed as a missing person, was you! I KNEW you’d make it hilarious!! Thank you for the awesome entertainment! Much better than the actual show!
Stacy says
Holy cow, has Bekah had those fake spider eyelashes the whole time, or were those just left over from the show? Those would drive me CRAZY!!!!
Melissa says
Horrible eyelashes!! If those aren’t fake ????
Laura Thomas says
OMG… I love these recaps. You are hysterical and spot on!
Priscilla says
I bought the sweater also. It’s huge, and the weave was just too open for my comfort level.
Temi says
I had forgotten about the bombshell Arie dropped until I saw your Joey picture! Before reading the text I saw the picture and immediately remembered because I had the same reaction! Your recaps are always hysterical! Can’t wait to read tomorrow.
MelanieL says
LOL!! Feelings of jealousy towards the other women and oiliness in her t-zone…OH.MY!! The only thing this episode had going for it was the Eiffel Tower at night plus a spoiler I won’t mention. Love your recaps so very much!
Michelle O says
I love your Bachelor recaps!!! You have me rolling on the floor laughing. I’m having more fun ready your blog than watching the show!!
Meredith says
I was also laughing about the cheese comment and I too would be going on and on about my love for cheese! ???? Also you listed Sienne twice on the group date and left out Chelsea which is understandable bc I don’t remember seeing her in the dancing?!? So weird!
Melissa says
Omg, during Lauren & Arie’s date, all I could think was the poor girl had to go sightseeing in HEELS! They didn’t find out who had the one-on-one until they arrived at that location. Note to self: always, always, ALWAYS bring a spare pair of flats in the event I find myself strolling around Paris.
Kelly says
NO NO NO!!! How dare you make us wait for part 2!! I can’t get enough of your blog!! Its awesome and totally spot on!!!!!!
Jill says
OMG…. your Bachelor recaps are my FAVE!!!!! Sooooo funny, so spot-on, and so thorough that I don’t even have to watch the show!!!!! My first thought when he went on the date with Lauren….”she looks just like Emily Maynard.” I think that’s why Arie gave her the rose despite being an awkward and boring date. And HOT. Anyone else think that too???
Hannah Long says
You are the best ????????????. Nothing beats your recaps!
Becky says
I have never ever watched this show but I love reading your recaps! The “call your mother” made me laugh every single time! I couldn’t watch the show if I wanted to now because it would pale in comparison to this hilarity! Thank you and I can’t wait to read up next week!
Kara says
Okay please for the love of all that’s good and holy let him get rid of Krystal…I can’t even. ????????♀️ It makes me nauseous just to listen to her talk to him and brag to the girls ????. He has blinders on for sure! But you are hilarious Sheaffer, love the recap! Call your Mom ???? seriously Becca call your Mom!
Anna says
Can’t stop laughing at the “call your mother” comments. You are so funny! I feel for Lauren, being a pretty shy person myself, but that date was painful to watch! I saw an interview with Arie where he explained that the date did start out pretty rough, but got exponentially better as Lauren began to open up. (The one on one dates last from about 9 am to 2 am, so there’s so much we don’t see!). He said they had Polaroid cameras and were taking silly pictures of each other and bought gifts at the market for their family, etc. She’s not as exciting as some of the others, but she seems so genuinely sweet!
Laura says
Oh my gosh! You are cracking me up! I have all of the same responses you have raised in your recaps! I was laughing out loud so thank you so much for that! And totally agree, “call your mom.” HA!
Agree about the BORING date with Lauren… How many times can you say “Wow” – not sure if it was editing but I think crickets could’ve sounded better! We’ll have to see how this next week plays out! Can’t wait for your next recap!
Marty Rafferty says
Love, love your recaps!! Oily t zone! Dying here! I’m starting to think Arie is resembling a creepier Mr. Rogers. “Tell me your feelings” as I fondle your thigh. ????
Sheaffer says
OMG! It is so funny you said this, Marty! I’ve already written part of my recap for tomorrow, and it includes a Mr. Rogers meme! Clearly I’m not the only one getting that vibe!!!! xoxo, Sheaffer:)