If you haven’t yet found the time to read last week’s Bachelor recap, click HERE. I’d hate for you to have missed your formal introduction to Whitney, Nick’s deep and abiding love for beignets, or Raven rebuking ghosts in the name of Jesus. That’s good t.v. right there, y’all.
So if you remember, at the end of last week, Nick sent Taylor and her emotional intelligence packing from the 2:1 date with Corinne. So this week opened up with Taylor walking through the city (without a bra, mind you) looking for the happy couple. I was shouting “Have some dignity, Taylor! Turn around, Taylor! Go home with some pride, Taylor! PUT ON A BRA, TAYLOR!”, but she paid me no mind. She was on a mission.
She marched straight up to the couple and said, “Two things: One – Corinne, you lied today. Two – We need to talk.” Her presentation was a little lackluster. Taylor and Nick stepped outside, and she told him to “open his eyeballs”. She went on and on about how she wasn’t a bully and that Corinne was no good. Nick was all, I appreciate your candor Taylor, but I reallllllly want to tap that bootie. So Corrine is staying for now. Okay, so he didn’t really say that. But I’m quite sure that was the subtext.
Corinne was left at the table while they were talking….rolling her eyes, chugging champagne, and talking to herself. So pretty much just a regular Saturday night.
Nick went back to finish up dinner with Corinne, and then they headed out to walk around and make out. She was wearing a plunging halter and a leather skirt. I use the term “skirt” very loosely here. While doing an interview, Corinne called Nick her boyfriend (the delusion is strong with this one). She also said “Something I’ve learned today is that cats have 9 lives…and B*****s have 2.” Somebody needs to needlepoint that on a pillow.
COCKTAIL PARTY and ROSE CEREMONY
The ladies arrived at a Louisiana mansion in a horse drawn carriage. Harrison sauntered in to the room to let everybody know that there wasn’t going to be a cocktail party, and that they would be heading straight to the rose ceremony. This news panicked everybody but Corinne, Rachel, and Danielle (who already had roses).
Who Got Roses: Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle, Jasmine, and Whitney
GIRLS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? I’m sad to report that means that Alexis was being sent home. Whahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I think we should all start a campaign to get her back immediately. Let’s get this hashtag trending asap. I miss her and her 1 year old boobies already.
Who else was going home? Josephine and Jaimi
Nick then announced, while sounding like he worked for the tourism board, that the remaining women would be heading with him to St. Thomas.
Nick arrived in a sea plane, while apparently throwing his name in the hat for a Nair sponsorship. He greeted the girls and then announced that Kristina would be joining him on the 1:1 date.
1:1 Date with Kristina
Nick and Kristina jumped in the sea plane and took off. They sat on a cliff, drank a beer, started to talk about her past, and made out. Kristina opened up a bit about the fact that she was born in Russia and adopted in to an American family. Her adoptive family has 7 kids, and Kristina still has a biological sister in Russia. Nick pontificated that Kristina’s history was a big part of who she is today. Um, ya think? Talk about emotional intelligence. I think his shorty shorts might have been cutting off the blood supply to his brain.
At dinner, Nick asked Kristina more questions about her childhood. Her story got dark. Really dark. She told Nick about eating lipstick at around 5 years old when her family had no food. After her mom kicked her out (for eating the lipstick), she was in an orphanage for 7-8 years, and was adopted out at 12 years old. With great sadness, Kristina told about how she felt badly about leaving her family at the orphanage behind. The entire story was heartbreaking. An orphanage worker told her that if she stayed in Russia that her life would be in black and white, but if she went to America, her life would be in color. You could see the pain in her eyes. This is what we all learned: Kristina is an amazing human being.
Kristina then told how at the airport, her dad was waiting with flowers and balloons, and she knew she was with a family that loved and wanted her.
Nick gave her the rose. And I believe 100% that he genuinely wanted to give her the rose. But just for a moment, imagine with me if he had sent her home. There would have been a bounty out on his head from all of Bachelor Nation.
BACK AT THE HOTEL
If you didn’t know, they are at The Marriott. And I don’t know if you know this, but The Marriott is the perfect place to fall in love. And Corinne fell hard. With the housekeeper. Look how she looked at her when she first walked into the room.
And Corinne’s love only grew deeper when she delivered her drinks and snacks by the pool. I can understand this. Having food and drink delivered to me is my love language. Tacos and margaritas please. #withguac #iknowitsextra #frozenwithsalt
Group Date: Life’s a Beach with Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., Jasmine
The group hopped on a catamaran and sailed to a secluded beach to what would end up going down as the absolute worst date in the history of ever. They drank a little, played corn hole, drank a little more, Nick walked around like a drunk baby dinosaur, drank a little more, and then they decided to play a friendly game of volleyball.
Just so we’re clear…being in a bikini on National t.v. is pretty much my own personal nightmare. Add in a volleyball game, AND I’M OUT. Like, I would have marched off the set in my mumu. Volleyball is not my jam. I still remember coming home from Wallace Elementary with red forearms after Ms. Adam’s volleyball unit. #ihatedvolleyballthen #stilldo But look at Raven get after it!
I did lol when Raven said, “I’m sure Corinne would be an excellent volleyball player……if she wasn’t drunk.” Raven is queen of the one liners.
So, one second the girls were playing volleyball (and at least acting like they were enjoying themselves), and the next second Jasmine was shoving Corinne down into the sand. WHOAH. That escalated quickly.
Anyway, she pushed her. Hard. And not a playful push. More like a I want you die push. What the what? TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND GET CONTROL OF YOURSELF, WOMAN. And then yet again, I found myself confused, because I was definitely seeing glimpses of liking Corinne. It’s like I don’t even know myself.
And then everything started to unravel. Everybody started to downward spiral. It was all terrible. Everybody had their feelings hurt, everybody was frustrated, everybody was crying. Well, except for Corinne. She was napping.
COME ON. THERE’S NO CRYING IN VOLLEYBALL, LADIES.
I mean, the last time I cried about volleyball (besides 6th grade in Ms. Adam’s class) was when I said Goodbye to Wilson.
The terrible group date continued into the night. All of the conversations centered around the fact that basically nobody was happy. But Jasmine took it to the next level. First, she went on and on and on with the girls about how she hadn’t had enough 1:1 time with him and how she wasn’t getting noticed. She also let them all know that her not getting noticed was NOT the norm. We get it Jasmine, you think you’re awesome.
When it was finally Jasmine’s time with Nick, she let loose. And not in a good way. She let her neediness freak flag fly. And she said for the third time that when she walks into the room, she knows that he sees her (as does everybody else). And then it got awkward. She “joked” about wanting to choke him (as she grabbed his neck) and Nick’s eye glazed over. She then went on and on (again) about wanting to choke him. Nick was NOT AMUSED. She started to panic a bit, and then tried to make the choking thing light hearted. You know, like she wanted to just “chokey” him in a fun way. When she could tell that he wasn’t having it, she then tried to act like it was a sexy thing. It was bad. Really bad. So he sent her home. #shegone
2:1 Date with Whitney and Danielle L.
The girls arrived for their date, and I have to say, the romper game could have been stronger.
This is going to be a quick date recap because BORING…and because Carter is home from school today with a fever again, and he basically wants to be so close to me that he might as well just crawl back inside and make himself at home. And guess what, Chris is sick too. That’s right. #prayforme
Nothing of note really happened. He had alone time with both of them. He didn’t seem to really have a spark with either of them, but then he sent Whitney home. I MEAN. Just when we could have picked her out of a line up. And he went and sent her home.
And then he and Danielle went to dinner. And she told him that her feelings were growing stronger for him and that she was looking forward to the future. And then he sent her home too. He was going all sorts of Oprah on the girls. #YOUREGOINGHOME #YOUREGOINGHOME #YOUREGOINGHOME
So who do we have left? Corinne, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle, Kristina, and Rachel
He went to the hotel to talk to the remaining girls, and he was bawling. I mean, the boy was RAW. He told them how he didn’t feel the connection with either girl on the 2:1 date, and then he told them that he was afraid that it might not happen with any of them either. #ouch
So, what do y’all think? Who are the Top 4 going to be? Whose families are we going to get to meet? I’m still really hoping that we get to meet the nanny and the judge!
p.s. If you missed Monday’s post, you have to go check it out now. At the very least, you need to see a full picture of my $49 tote and find out more about it! AND THE CARDIGAN? Well, it comes in lots of colors, is available in regular and petite, AND it’s DARLING. Oh, and my nude flats are pretty much a MUST HAVE.
long linen blend cardigan / white tee / tassel necklace /earrings/$14 bar charm necklace / jeans ON SALE/ leopard belt / color block tote bag / nude flats / gold bangle / spike bracelet
p.p.s. If you follow me on facebook, then you saw THESE babies on sale (regularly $119) for $89.96. And the code LTLOVE will get you an additional 20% OFF, which brings the total to $71.97! For those of you that are new around here, the Sam Edelman Felicia flats (they come in tons of colors) are my absolute favorite flats EVER. I have these leopard ones (I treat them as a neutral..but they add such a fun pop to so many outfits) and the nude ones that I wore in Monday’s post. They are incredibly comfortable and sooooo cute. Every time I post them I have teachers comment about how they are their favorite shoes as well because they can be on their feet in them all day long! This is an amazing deal, and I knew many of you would want to take advantage while it lasted! Click HERE for the leopard flats.
See y’all back here on Friday!!!
Shay Shull says
I laughed out loud at Nick in his short shorts! Hahahahaha!
“If you dare wear short shorts, Nair for short shorts!” I laughed out loud and totally sang the jingle in my head. Also, Whitney leaving “just when we could pick her out of a line up.” That’s funny stuff.
I can hardly watch this season-I think it is sorta boring. Or because the bachelor is Nick. He was not a favorite before and I like him less now. Your recaps are the only reason I am even watching at all-they are hilarious! 🙂
Toni :0) says
I couldn’t agree more. The way he slurs his words when he speaks and I think he’s such a player that he will never settle down makes this the worst Bachelor ever. ABC had major fail with this one.
I agree! I watch it, but end up doing something else half the time and then have no idea what happened. What I did get from this ep was Danielle’s constant awkward giggle was really starting to annoy me and Nick’s weird slur/sounds like his jaw is somewhat wired shut is also really starting to annoy me. I’m just not sure even if I make it through to the end, that I believe he will actually stick it out with one of these girls!
Too funny, girl!!! Also, I love those Sam Edelman flats–I have them in nude and leopard too…and they are so comfy and cute!
Erika Slaughter says
I LOL’d at the Nair campaign joke!!! I wanted to cover my eyes when Jasmine started choking him. She just kept going. I was screaming, “SSSTTTOOOPPPP!!!”
Michelle key says
Love your recaps! They are spot on. I watch on Monday and think. ..”ooh, Sheaffer is going to have fun with this! ” Did you catch what Corrine said to the camera in next week’s preview? Ear covering/ shoulder scrunching material for sure! 🙂
Kim Kauffman says
The Jasmine choking thing was THE WORST. And then she just kept going! I died right there for her.
Two things….the Jasmine choking thing was just flat out WEIRD and you with the Oprah reference….hahahaha!! That made me LOL. 🙂
Lisa Gonzalez says
I will have the Nair jingle in my head all day but so worth it. Would have totally bought the leopard flats but sizes are limited now so if anyone is hesitating don’t!
LOL at Nick and his short shorts! The fact he wore them with a wife beater shirt makes me think of Richard Simmons.
Erin H says
I too had feelings of, I don’t know, like for Corinne?! Especially at the scene after the credits where they were all eating the awful chocolate. She seemed so normal and likeable. It also seems like when Nick isn’t there all of the girls actually get along.
And thank you.. now the Nair jingle is stuck in my brain. hahaha
Please write a book! It would be a best seller! You have a gift with words!! Girl do us all a favor-write a book!
and why IS quac always extra!!!!??? I will miss shark girl and her boobs too!
Britt Hensley says
I mean, Wednesdays are my favorite for these posts! #shegone
Dawn Spencer says
You’ve outdone yourself with this one, Sheaffer! I can’t even. It’s impossible for me to watch the show without wondering, “What’s Sheaffer going to do with that little nugget?” And you always kill it. Always. Wednesdays are my fave because of you! Thank you!
Okay, now on to the ridiculousness of the show. . . I love Kristina. So much. But, she is not right for Nick. Or rather, Nick is not right for her. #shedeservesbetter #actuallytheyalldeservebetter Kristina seems very mature for her age (clearly she had to grow up quickly) and has been through more at that age than most of us will endure in our lifetime. She is just precious. As far as I know, the most tragic heartbreak Nick has endured has been his reality TV break-ups, which he signed up for and for which he was compensated handsomely. #tiredofhearinghimwhineaboutit #shutit #buysomenewshorts
Of the remaining six, the one that seems to be the best fit with Nick, IMHO, is Corrine. I have cringed, and if I’m being honest, felt a little nauseous as well, watching some of her antics. I’ve been embarrassed for her and could not help but wonder what her parents must be thinking. I would have already been on a plane and snatched my daughter right out of that mansion. #laterchrisharrison No. Sir. But I too found myself liking her for brief moments during this episode. I equate razor sharp wit with intelligence and her line about “cats have nine lives, b****** have two”, was pretty fabulous (assuming that was her line and not a producer’s). She’s my pick for “winning”. (I use that term loosely here.) The other women seem too ‘together’ and no-nonsense for Nick. They all seem relatively stable (although the stiletto beating incident Raven spoke of does come to mind) and sincere. As stable as one can be when signing up for a show like this. #couldnot #wouldnot And finally, if the boy breaks down and cries one more time I am going to have to find time to track down his mother and request that she intervene. I can’t take it.
PS – Praying for your son and your husband to feel better soon! Hang in there!
Whitney Pegram says
Too funny!! And your comment about Carter made me laugh! Prayers for both your guys …. and you, of course!! Lol
You’re the best! Still made me laugh out loud! I agree with Susan, WRITE A BOOK!
Such a good recap, but I can’t believe you didn’t say anything about how they had to photoshop a bathing suit on Corinne in most of your pics!
Sheaffer! You rocked the recap. I read numerous recaps after each episode and NO ONE came even close to yours! I love the picture of someone cross stitching a pillow with Corrine’s line… truly LOL worthy!! We should all have someone that looks at you like Corrine looked at Lorna!!! LOL.
Julie M says
You are too funny! Loved this post!…”guac is extra” and “she gone”!! LOL’ing!
Wilson. LOL!! So funny.
Kristina for the next bachelorette!!!! My son is sick this week and I said the same thing! Mom obsessed!!!
Beth B. says
You need to watch the Live with Kelly clips from 2/7/2017 (Tuesday). Her guest co-host of the day is her husband and they mock The Bachelor/Nick mercilessly (to his face). Its kind of fabulous.
Angela Ellingson says
Oh Kristina! So glad she ended up in a loving family. And Jasmine was a hot mess this episode – from full on pushing Corrine down to practically choking Nick… What did she think the outcome of going off like that was going to be?! Love your recaps!
I don’t watch the Bachelor and don’t plan to. Why should I when your summary is about the best thing out there. Seriously, I love it.
Awesome recap. LOL on both the volleyball and Carter statement!!! I too am rooting to the meet “the judge” and Corinne is the best thing going for this show…and Raven’s accent.
I definitely enjoy the girls more than I do Nick. Bachelor fail Chris Harrison.
These are pure gold! You are brilliant! I don’t even watch the bachelor but I look forward to your recaps every week. Don’t ever stop!
Kristin Tate says
The “chokey” comment has me in here hollering!! It was so weird to witness!
Terra Heck says
Sometimes I question Nick’s choice in apparel. Jasmine went all sorts of cray cray when she was talking to Nick.
Kristina seems like such a genuine girl. I really like her, but I’m not sure she’s the right one for him. Nick likes to do the French Kiss Mamba and she didn’t seem too much into that.