Hey, Girls! It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time to BRING ON THE CRAZY!!!! (But before we get to the crazy, did you see yesterday’s post? I had a post on a Tuesday, and it’s going to become a semi-regular thing around here, so go check it out to see what’s going on!)
If you need a Bachelor review, I’ve got you covered.
Episode 1, click HERE. That time I had to google the spelling for wiener. “I before e, except after c” still applies.
Episode 2, click HERE. That time we realized Arie was basically dating his mother.
Episode 3, click HERE. That time the “lunch lady” wrestled the “sex kitten”. And the lunch lady won.
Episode 4, click HERE. That time a girl almost drank her pee for love.
Last week, Harrison promised the girls a trip around the world. First stop, Lake Tahoe. Second stop, Fort Lauderdale! #wompwomp We all know Fort Lauderdale is the perfect place to retire, but Arie believes it’s also the perfect place to fall in love. #inaretirementhomemaybe
Arie showed up at the girl’s condo, and Chelsea got the first 1:1.
They spent the first part of their date on a yacht. AND LOOKIE THERE, the other ladies just happened to stumble upon a high powered telescope…..that just happened to be on the balcony…..and they headed out to said balcony at the EXACT right time to see the happy couple passing by on their yacht. What a koinkidink.
One of the girls said, “They are Titanicing.” Yep, they made it a verb. But don’t worry. In this instance, Titanicing doesn’t mean crashing into an iceberg and dying. It just means they were pulling a Kate and Leo on the bow of the boat.
Just fyi, we’re going to collectively ignore the fact that Chelsea said “I’m just not ON a dream boat. I’m WITH a dream boat.” We have to if we are going to continue liking her.
After Titanicing (again—posing, not dying), they did a little jet skiing. Our resident mom reverse mounted the jet ski and started hard core making out. And the girls looking on with the telescope yelped out loud. And claimed they felt nauseous. The intern responsible for fetching binoculars and telescopes should really be up for a promotion.
At dinner that night, Chelsea opened up to Arie about her failed marriage. She fell in love with an older man when she was just 20, and it sounds like he might have been a bit controlling. He left her for another woman (when their son was 6 months old) basically with her things in a trash bag. What a gem he must have been. That’s obviously a lot for anybody to handle, but Chelsea talked about how her little boy was healthy and happy and how grateful she is for that. And when she talked about her son, her entire face lit up and her nose crinkled up. And I don’t know about Arie, but I fell in love with her.
I mean, 3 weeks ago I was calling her Olivia 2.0, which was not a term of endearment. And now I want to marry the girl and give her and Sammy a great life.
Maybe Arie does too. Chelsea got the rose. (sidenote: LOVED the black jumper, Chelsea.)
And then they slow danced in the car museum to live vocals. I mean, is it even really considered a date if it doesn’t end with slow dancing in front of an unknown artist?
Back at the condo, Maquel returned. And all of the girls acted happy. #fakers
By the way, Maquel is still 23 years old. Not that anybody cares about that. But 22 is disgraceful.
The group date card arrived!
There’s not a moment to spare. – Arie.
Maquel, Krystal, Bekah M. Becca K., Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Lauren B.
Which meant that Tia would get the other 1:1. And this was Tia’s face when she realized. Yep, I love her too.
The group was going to go bowling, because nothing says LOVE like wearing shoes that have been worn by thousands of others. Thank Heavens Annaliesse wasn’t still there, because I heard that when she was a kid, a bowling ball rolled over her foot and she hasn’t been able to step foot in a bowling alley since. #allegedly
First things first, we need to go ahead and talk about the fact that Arie licked a bowling ball. Apparently it was some sort of nod to The Big Lebowski. I have no idea. I’ve never seen The Big Lebowski. So, I didn’t see a nod or a tribute, I just saw Arie sticking his tongue on a bowling ball.
It started out as a light hearted game of bowling, but the beer was flowing… so we were also treated to some stripper moves thrown in for good measure. #itsalwaysjenna
After a bit of group bowling, Arie said the girls had to divide themselves into 2 teams, and the winning team was going to get more time with him that night. And that’s when the light-hearted game of bowling turned ugly.
Blue Team: Jenna, Krystal, Becca, Maquel, and Jacqueline
Pink Team: It should of come as no surprise to any of us that Rizzo was a Pink Lady. #greaseistheword
Other Pink Ladies: Seinne, Marikh, Lauren, Bekah, Ashley, and Kendall.
Krystal offered the customary pre-bowling prayer…but I’m unsure if it was to God or to her dogs.
And y’all. The blue team DOMINATED. The pink team kept rolling out gutter balls, and the blue team was getting strike after strike. After strike.
The blue team won and was going to get more time with Arie, but then Arie felt badly. So he surprised them all when he asked the pink team along for the rest of the date too.
It seems that Krystal is not a fan of the participation trophy.
She then refused to even carry the winning trophy, which she was dancing with above her head just moments earlier.
There was no doubt that Krystal was a ticking time bomb, and this was me waiting for Krystal to implode. #somebodyhandmesomepopcornandjuniormints
But guess when it happened.
ON THE BUS ON THE WAY HOME.
WHERE THERE WERE NO CAMERAS ROLLING. #SHAMEFUL
The girls all reported that Krystal “lost her mind” on the bus.
Man, what I would give to see what that looked like.
Come on Bachelor producers! Get your heads in the game!
FOOTAGE! WE NEED BUS FOOTAGE!!!! I mean, come on. LET’S ROLL THE TAPE, PEOPLE.
It was reported that she repeatedly called him a “liar” while on the bus. She went on and on about Arie’s initial intention for it to be a contest, and the fact that he went back on that, so she thought he was a liar. When they got back to the condo, Krystal stripped off her shirt, totally talked down to one of the mic guys behind the scenes, and then proceeded to tell one of the producers that “she felt deceived”….and she felt she “should have been consulted”…and that she was “looking for a partner”.
I. AM. SO. SURE.
And then she emerged from the room in her robe and told the rest of the girls that she would not be going to the party. EYE ROLL. And she said “she had her bags packed” too. Nobody believes you, Krystal.
The girls were like, “You’re not coming to the party? M’kay.” and headed out the door.
Arie showed up to the party and was like “The gangs all here!” And that’s when they informed him that Krystal was in fact NOT there.
This was Arie’s reaction to the news:
Arie said “It’s unfortunate that she’s that upset about it.” He then stated he didn’t want to disrespect any of the ladies there, but he was going to go check on her.
I was displeased.
ARIE! This is just giving her attention, which is obviously what she was seeking. I felt it would have been better for him to NOT go to her and THAT would teach her a lesson.
When he first saw her, he hugged her…which just about sent me into a rage.
His demeanor changed dramatically after that.
They went back and forth, she explained why she was hurt, and Arie explained to her that this was no way to handle a disagreement.
She said “Awwwww, this is our first first fight.” And then he was all, “Yeah – and it might be our last.”
AND THEN HE DID WHAT EVERY EXPERIENCED DAD WOULD DO WITH A CHILD THROWING A TANTRUM. He said, “Stay up here. I’m going to go down and hang with them. Know that I’m not happy about it, and I’ll see you in a few days.” YOU GUYS. THAT’S A DIRECT QUOTE. AND IT WAS AWESOME.
It’s like he was grounding her and giving her the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” line. AND I LOVED IT. I have to say, I really liked Disappointed Dad Arie. It was HOT.
And while all the above was going on, Rizzo was doing her Krystal impression. And all of a sudden she was Betty Boop. Seriously. Go watch it.
Arie returned to the group and said “Krystal won’t be joining us tonight. Let’s have fun!”
He then made out with the taxidermy girl.
And then Rizzo…
And then Becca…
AND Y’ALL. The next shot showed Krystal putting on mascara. I was like, “Um, no m’am. You’re grounded. Stay in your room.”
And then we cut to commercial break where ABC spoiled the next episode, because Krystal is definitely on next week’s episode. Why did they do that?
When the show returned, Krystal returned to the party and sat right smack dab in the middle of the girls (with mouths all agape) and declared “My feelings were really hurt today. ” She explained that she and Arie had a very intense conversation. She mentioned nothing of the grounding, of course. Sienne was desperately trying to understand. They all were. And Krystal said she wasn’t going to respond because she would be attacked for whatever she said.
BUT, LADIES. Bekah CAME TO PLAY. And her 22 year old self morphed into a prosecuting attorney. She said, “You said you weren’t coming tonight, and now you’re here. Does that make YOU a liar? We all trusted you, so how is that different?” #theprosecutionrestsyourhonor
Krystal said, “I thought it would be the right thing to do, but now I’m going to go.”
Yep. Bye, Felicia.
While all this was going on, Arie was hanging with Lauren B, and they played a game of 20 questions. And Lauren shared that her favorite color is burgundy. WHAT? Nobody’s favorite color is burgundy.
But it seems Arie digs burgundy too, because Lauren got the date rose. Okay, ladies. This is where the recap stops for today. Life happened yesterday, I got super busy with other things, and the second half of the show will be on the blog tomorrow! COME BACK TOMORROW FOR PART 2!
Before you go, you NEED TO KNOW that our favorite cowl neck is ON SALE AGAIN!
It’s going to be in my SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MUST HAVE post next month because I love it so! (FYI: My first SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MUST HAVE post from a couple of years ago has lots of items that are still available — including my comfiest flats, my favorite earrings, and the best shimmer lip gloss)!
When I first purchased the top 3 years ago, I had no idea that I would buy two more colors over the next two years and that I would wear all of them CONSTANTLY. When it’s weather appropriate, I wear one of the colors once a week. Just about every week. And I’m telling you that it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for me to wear it twice a week. Because it’s just that good.
free people cowl neck / jeans / bag care of Vince Camuto / slim profile UGG boots
If you haven’t already, go check out yesterday’s post to see what I plan on becoming a regular series.
Don’t forget to link up for What’s Up Wednesday! And make sure you check out what Shay and Mel are up to this fine Wednesday!
Erika Slaughter says
I found myself standing to clap while Rizzo was giving her closing arguments. That was GOOD!
Shay Shull says
I cannot wait to come back for part 2!!!!!
Kristine G. says
Nobody’s favorite color is burgundy! ???????? Can’t wait for the rest of the recap!
Omg, your recaps are hilarious! Even though I don’t watch it, I feel up-to-date with your Bachelor posts.
x S | Design by Sydnee ????
You should plan a movie night with your husband and watch The Big Lebowski! Agree on burgundy! ????
I do believe Ari changed his mind because Rizzo was not on the winning team so of course he needed to invite them for more time! Sorry Krystal! Boom!
Awesome recap. Those pictures from the bowling alley were great!
Whitney Pegram says
Ah, I missed this week’s episode so I am so thankful for your hilarious recaps!! They are way better than actually watching the show!! ???? Happy Wednesday, girl!
Rebecca @ Every Piece Fits says
No joke, I watched this dvr’d episode when I got home from a dinner after 11:30pm and was up til almost 2am on a work night! I was shocked that Krystal got a rose. I think she’s part of a scripted portion of the show to keep interest and drama. He can’t be that blind to her nonsense. ANYWAY – I’m 99% sure that black jumper Chelsea is wearing is this one from Lulu’s: https://www.lulus.com/products/thinking-out-loud-black-backless-jumpsuit/325812.html
“Titanicing doesn’t mean crashing into and iceberg and dying”…LOL! Hilarious! I can’t wait to read what you think about the location of Tia’s date…what in the world?!?!? #nothankyou
Amy T says
Rizzo for Bachelorette!
April Parrish says
Sooooo good!!! Can’t stop laughing!
Lisa K says
I cannot wait for Wednesday mornings to read your recaps! I find myself thinking, “I wonder what Sheaffer will think about this?”, as I’m watching. I noticed his huge tattoo in the “Titanicing” portion of the show and in the picture on your post. What is that???
Thank you for voicing what’s going on in my head in such a hilarious way! This is such an odd season, but I love the camaraderie between the women….well, except the evil baby whisperer…
I don’t watch the show, I just love to read Sheaffer’s recaps. I was wondering if anyone else was going to mention that humongous tattoo!
Lisa K says
It looks like a solid circle to me?!
Your recaps are the BEST part of my Wednesday!!
Kelly Davis says
Your recaps are even better than the actual show:-) I have to say, though, that Rizzo has completely plummeted in my eyes, as she is morphing into a snarky mean girl. Krystal has her issues, but I loved Bekah and am so disappointed that she was mocking her. I think she is better than that ;( Let crazy be crazy, but don’t lower yourself to being snarky- yuck! Mean girls are just not attractive no matter the age!
I 100% agree, Kelly! I touch on this in tomorrow’s post! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Betsy Kramer says
Where is Judge Daddy when you need him to preside over the opposition?
You are HYSTERICAL. Nuff said!!!!! I don’t even watch the Bachelor anymore–I only watched the first show, but loving reading your recaps. You should be a professional writer in some capacity. Love your writing.
Licking the bowling ball…. #itcantbeunseen
Karen Nadherny says
Your recaps have me laughing out loud! So good! Can’t wait to read Part 2!
I’m feeling sick today so I was blog hopping when I was directed here for your Bachelor recaps. They did not disappoint!! I’m on my way over to part 2 now but just needed to state the obvious first: you are hilarious. “#theprosecutionrestsyourhonor” ????????
Aw, thanks Bri! So goad you found me! Thanks for taking the time to leave such a sweet comment! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂