Okay, peeps! We are now 4 episodes in on The Bachelor! If you missed the first three recaps and want to catch up, you can do so by clicking the following:
Episode 1, click HERE.
Episode 2, click HERE.
Episode 3, click HERE.
This episode opened up with Rizzo taking a leisurely swim in the pool, while several of the girls were inside mulling over how they thought that Arie would feel about the about the 14 year age difference between them (once he found out about it). My thoughts were that Arie already has to know that she’s pretty young. You know, since she looks 14 and all. But here’s what we know for sure: Rizzo is 22 years old and everybody is FREAKING THE FREAK OUT about it. Maquel is 23, and CRICKETS.
Harrison sauntered into the living room with the 15 remaining ladies, and I legit didn’t have a clue who 3 of them were. He let them know that they were about to embark on a journey that would take them around the world…and they would be starting in Tahoe. Huh? Tahoe? But don’t worry, the ladies still lost their minds. Time to grab some Corn Nuts and Funyons and hit the road ladies! ROAD TRIP!!!! #tahoeorbust #shotgun
When they arrived in Tahoe, the girls took up residence in a sprawling and gorgeous cabin. Arie took up residence at the local Hard Rock. #um #okay
Bekkah grabbed the date card and read it to everybody..although I’m really not sure what it said, because I was too worried about her massive earrings. I mean, if those babies were to get hung on a sweater she could lose an ear. At the very least an earlobe.
The first date card said, “Sienne – Let’s Let Our Love Soar.” Arie showed up at the Lake Tahoe cabin, they hopped in a cool Bronco, and then they went parasailing together….as the girls looked on from their cabin with binoculars. (I giggled to myself thinking of the producers handing out the binoculars one by one to the girls and casually suggesting they take in the beautiful scenery.) 😉 I appreciated the low profile stalking, but I did raise an eyebrow to what I’m looking at below. Is it just me, or is the long lost Kardashian sister holding the binoculars backwards? Or upside down? Or both?
Speaking of scenery, Tahoe was GORGEOUS. High 5 to the tourism board for scoring this little stop in the Bachelor world tour. But thank Heavens that Annaliese was gone, because I’d heard that she had a traumatic experience with crisp mountain air and pine trees in middle school.
😉
After parasailing (which I don’t know if you know, is A LOT like love), they sat by a lake with a picnic and had a nice little convo. Nothing exciting, just nice and normal. I was however concerned with Arie’s bronzer application. It’s true what they say. Less IS More.
Then they headed to the Hard Rock casino for the evening portion of their date. And I was pretty much transported back to junior high when we also wanted to go to Hard Rock after a school dance. They sat down with some food and a glass of wine, and here’s my takeaway…… Sienne is FREAKING AWESOME. She talked about her childhood, growing up with parents that had a difficult relationship, and never really having a good role model for love. The girl is real. And I liked her.
Arie gave her the rose and told her he thought it could be the start of something amazing. And then they headed to a private concert and danced in front of lots of people with cell phones. We all know these awkward concerts are just part of the Bachelor franchise, BUT Y’ALL. This time it was a song I actually know and LOVE! It was The Greatest Love Story by Lanco. If you haven’t heard it, google it and listen to the sweet lyrics. It’s a catchy little ditty.
And now there are two things we know about Arie: 1) The boy knows how to properly throw a girl against a wall to make out. Which we learned all the way back in 2013 I believe. AND 2) The boy can execute a proper dip.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, Maquel got a call from her mom. As soon as I saw her on the phone, I knew something had to be wrong…either a family tragedy, or an old boyfriend wanting another shot. Sadly, it was a family tragedy. She was told that her grandfather had passed away. She packed up and went home for a couple of days. which I thought was the right decision.
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Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, Caroline – Will Our Love Survive? – Arie”
The girls were properly outfitted with Northface, Sorels, and blanket scarves – and they were ready to embark on a romantic hike with their Prince Charming.
But not so fast ladies, first you need to meet with this guy. He’s a retired Green Beret, and he’s here to teach y’all some survival skills. You should know now, this is not going to be a romantic hike by any stretch of the imagination.
I was curious, were they going to learn how to make their own fire? NOPE! Build a shelter? NOPE! First things first, he schooled them on how if there’s no water, it’s okay to drink your own urine. Cool. They were all handed water canteens and told to go tinkle in them.
I’m not going to lie, if my ability to pee in the cup at the doctor’s office is any indication of my ability to pee in a canteen, I definitely would have had issues. And needed a baby wipe afterwards. And some antibacterial.
The girl’s all emerged with their pee filled canteens, and the survival expert told Arie to lead by example. DRINK CHUG A LUG – CHUG A LUG – CHUG A LUG.
The girls all gagged.
But not Tia. Tia was all “I’m impressed!!!!”
I’ve gotta say, Tia was endearing herself more to me with each passing minute.
And then, Jacqueline decided it was her time to get noticed. And she did so by boldly saying, “I’ll do it!!!” She took a deep breath, licked her lips, and almost did it! SHE ALMOST DRANK HER PEE. To impress a boy. Who says romance is dead????
Have some pride, woman!
The only thing that stopped her was Arie screaming “WAIT! Mine was just apple juice!
After that they talked about finding nutrition in a survival situation, so they dug up worms. And ate them. Makes sense.
And not surprisingly, the taxidermy girl ate a worm…and then doubled down by eating a maggot. And then we watched her sneak off into the woods with Arie and make out. UM, not enough money in the world. Or Tic Tacs.
The final challenge involved breaking the girls up into teams, handing them a map and a compass, and telling them to find their way to the final destination…which was a hot tub. Because BACHELOR. In her 1:1 interviews, Krystal kept going ON AND ON about how all the girls were so immature and how she was SO ABOVE all of it. I couldn’t roll my eyes harder if I tried.
Oh wait…yes I could….because then Krystal said, “I’m not sure what I’m going to say. But whatever I do, I’m sure it’s going to be perfect.”
Is this girl for real?
That night at the group date cocktail party, several things of note happened.
One – Kendall the taxidermy girl went all taxidermy girl on him. And he didn’t seem to be freaked out about it. BUT I WAS. Actually, I was just creeped out. She talked about her stuffed duckling named Ping. Disclosed that she hung out with Ping on her shoulder during the day, and that he was…and I quote….”the best traveler”.
Y’all. Here’s the real kicker. Arie seemed to dig it. He said something about her being quirky and sexy. Which just goes to show that one man’s psychotic and whackadoodle is another man’s quirky and sexy.
Two – Krystal had some time with Arie. When she was talking to him, I wanted to punch her in the trachea. Her baby stripper voice was more stripper than baby. And she said things were weighing on her because girls were obviously feeling threatened. AND Y’ALL. That’s when it happened. Just when you thought she couldn’t get more annoying. She started whispering. And a whispering baby stripper is about as annoying as it gets. We pretty much reached the pinnacle of annoying…. especially when she was making this face.
Three – While Krystal was with Arie, the girls all took the opportunity to talk about her. When Chelsea imitated her, I gave her a slow clap. Who would have thought that the girl I at first dubbed Olivia 2.0 would end up being a fan favorite?!? And Tia said, “When her mouth opens, my face goes……..(as she made the face below)”. And all of a sudden, I wanted to be Tia’s best friend. Like I wanted to invite her to the mall food court for tacos. I would of course extend the invitation to Caroline, Chelsea, Sienne, and both Becca’s/Bekha’s as well.
Four – After her time with Arie, Krystal walked up to the group and said “Hi, friends.” AS IF.
Five. And then she asked Tia and Caroline to come with her. Oh man, this was going to be good. I was low key hoping for something big to go down. Like maybe Tia would pull a Maynard.
Sadly, no Maynards were pulled. But when Tia had reached her limit, she just stood up, quietly walked out of the room, and headed back to the couch.
At the end of the night, Tia got the rose. Krystal’s head low key exploded.
The next day back at the house Krystal was talking about how misunderstood she was, but yet how she always comes off as flawless. This girl is sooooooo unlikeable.
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Then it was time for Rizzo’s date! The date card said “I’m looking for a stable relationship.” When talking about her to the cameras, Arie said “We have a great physical connection and she really challenges me. She has this wisdom, and she’s a little deeper than a lot of the girls I’ve dated in the past.”
The hopped on horses and took a scenic ride through the woods. She didn’t mention her age.
They took a little soak in a hot tub and drank some bubbly. Arie talked some about his past and a lot about his injuries. She didn’t mention her age.
That night they headed to an intimate dinner. I mean, she was going to have to tell him, right? But before her age came up, the girl had an awesome conversation with him. She was open, honest, insightful, and real. When he asked her if she would be ready to settle down if she found the right guy and it was the right time – she answered with, I can’t say that because it’s never been the right guy or the right time! #insightful #ANDSOTRUE
And then the following conversation happened:
Bekkah: “Do you know how old I am?”
Arie: “No”.
Bekkah: “I haven’t wanted you to see me through the lens of my age.”
Arie: “Uh-huh. But how old are you?”
Bekkah: “I’m 22.”
Arie literally put his hands up to his mouth, gave an audible gasp, and said “OH MY GAWD.” I felt the reaction was appropriate. He was in a straight up panic. It’s as if he was mentally searching for the age at which each state considered people a minor. It’s okay, Arie. You’re safe.
He lamented “you’re soooooooooo young”, and he started to voice all of his concerns to her. I mean, he’s 36! He likes to go to bed early, watch Dateline, and wear cardigans. He let her know he was worried that she wouldn’t also want to watch Dateline and wear a cardigan. (Okay, so that wasn’t the exact conversation, but it was definitely the gist.) These are REAL concerns.
Bekkah countered his arguments by letting us all know that her mom, her sister, and several other people in her family were basically child brides….so it wouldn’t be super weird if she was a child bride too. Good to know.
And then this happened. ALL OF MY HOOP EARRING NIGHTMARES WERE ABOUT TO COME TO FRUITION. But by the Grace of God, her lobes remained unscathed.
Although he had plenty of (well founded) reservations about this child bride, HE GAVE HER THE DATE ROSE! Do I personally think the 14 year age difference is a big deal, especially when one of them is 22? YES. YES I DO. However, I like Rizzo now, so I’m good with her staying for a bit.
****************************************************
Time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. All the ladies were sitting around and talking about how they were so excited to get to spend some much needed alone time with Arie. Which was obviously writing on the wall for the fact that there wasn’t going to be a rose ceremony.
Arie was about to start handing out roses, when Krystal almost exploded. She said, “I’m sorry, would you mind if I had a quick moment of your time?” And here’s the worst part about it. Whispering Krystal was back. I’m not sure what she said to him because I couldn’t understand her. I wanted to be all SPEAK UP….you went down a thousand stairs and around several corners, THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU.
They went back and joined the others at the rose ceremony, and the following got roses: Lauren, Kendall (the taxidermy nut), Ashley (WHO?), Becca K, Chelsea (the mama who was supposed to be a villain I thought, but who I really like!), Jenna (the girl who mounted him last week in the white dress), Jacqueline (the girl who almost drank her pee), Marique (the Kardashian sister). And remember….Sienne, Tia, and Bekkah already had roses.
With one rose left, Caroline (Tia’s bestie) and Krystal were standing there. And he called, “Krystal”. The below picture is an actual representation of how 97% of America looked.
And then Tia looked like this.
Who didn’t receive roses: Caroline (who appeared to be Tia’s bestie of the group) and Brittany T.
BUT, LADIES. The best part of the entire episode happened in the last 30 seconds. We got to see the Kardashian sister telling Chelsea that she heard that she had told Arie that she was using her compass as a mirror, which she totally had by the way. And then she accused Chelsea of “GLAM SHAMING” her. She was serious. She did this all with a straight face, and it looked like her feelings were legitimately hurt. Chelsea said “I’ve never been accused of being anti-glam.” And then she made a bold political statement. She said “For the record, I am and have always been pro-glam.” Somebody needs to make t-shirts.
Before you go! A couple of fashion items that I feel I must tell you about.
Look at this handful of items that are NOW ON SALE!
burnout sweatshirt / hanky panky box sets / natori bra (Tons of sizes available, but really great for smaller chested gals!)
And if you didn’t catch Monday’s post, you need to check it out! I am having a moment (lots of moments, actually) with black. This particular moment was with our much beloved shift dress (in black of course, even though it comes in tons of colors) that is ONLY $46!
I had to size up to a medium in this dress for the chest area, but I wish the rest was a small. I think when I take my jeans in for the patch, I’m going to take this in to get it taken in and hemmed a bit! It’s a really great dress and a wonderful staple to have in your closet. The black (and the other darker colors) aren’t see thru, and they don’t require a slip!
shift dress / $12 necklace / earrings / studded booties care of Vince Camuto/ leopard clutch
Get The Look For Yourself Here:
Click HERE to see all of the other outfits! We’re talking black on black, and I loved it!
See y’all back here on Friday!
Susan Jeffries says
This is the most ridiculous season yet! But it is great for family tv night;) None of us like baby stripper’s attitude, but my daughter aptly pointed out that “she is simply vocalizing what a lot of the other women are thinking”. So much truth. Thanks for the fun!
Erika Slaughter says
What’s up with the dates this season?? The group dates have gotten more and more crazy. Guess they’re always topping the previous season. Loved this recap!
Shay Shull says
Sheaffer! The hoop earring is like my WORST nightmare!! Hahahahaha! And the title of this post had me rolling!
Julie says
Your Bachelor episode recaps are the best! I now look forward to your recap even more than the show itself! “Long lost Kardashian sister”? … (YES!! Kim’s sister!) “Hoop earring nightmare”? (I was so worried, but Arie expertly put his hand THROUGH the earring during the kiss!) …Thanks, I am just laughing hysterically this morn!…
Narci says
Oh my gosh! The Cardigans and Dateline. Lol! Too funny!
Sarah says
I wanted to punch her in the trachea… Hahaha! So much to say, LOVED this recap but cant deal with this show anymore!!! Ridiculous
Valerie says
I love your recaps! BTW, you had me at “whackadoodle.”
The best part WAS the last bit about Glam-shamming. That was Bachelor gold!
Melissa says
This show is too hard to watch now. I think the producers are bored with the series and out of ideas…urine ????and then a disgusting hot tub! We all know Shay wouldn’t jump in that! Haha
I think Kristal is the most annoying woman that’s been on the Bachelor! Who talks like that? If this was Sean’s season, I think Catherine would have slapped her during that episode.
Kristine says
I have the black dress. It was too full and made me feel frumpy. I took it in a bit in the middle by the waistline and it made a big difference. Still flows but having less fabric around the middle made a big difference. The price point is great and the dress is very comfortable. I am going to pick up another color.
Kim says
I missed the last two episodes on TV and just read your recaps instead. However, this week I caved and read the spoilers on Reality Steve’s site and now know who the “winner” is….or do I? So, when I found I had a couple of hours to waste last night i decided to watch the show on DVR and followed it by reading your post this morning…and I gotta say the recaps are indeed even more fun to read after watching the show because it just reiterates what I was thinking (but in a much more fun dialog). Thanks for doing what you do!!! Make us laugh at the absurdity of it all!!!
Courtney says
I can’t even with Krystal! Part of me wants to be like, “Well she’s getting a bad edit”, but my word, they can’t fake the words that are actually coming out of her mouth! She’s got to go!
I want to be friends with Tia, Becca, Seinne, and Caroline. I’d never really noticed Caroline until this week, but she seemed funny, I wish she’d gotten more camera time.
Arie seems to really like Kendall and I just can’t get on board with that. The taxidermy freaks me out! If she makes it to hometowns I might have to cover my eyes the whole time they’re in her house!
Love the recaps as always, Sheaffer! You always say what we’re ALL thinking!
Cheri says
Love love love reading your take on The Bachelor. I use to watch religiously and then after Chris Soules I only watch the first episode and the very last. All your comments are spot on and it makes me laugh.
Jen says
I just love you and your recaps!!! Can WE become bffs and go the the mall food court for tacos?! ????????
Sheaffer says
Yes. And just so you know, we will be getting the Queso Loco. Trust me. 😉
Paige says
Ha ha ha! “Punch her in the trachea!” Love these posts!
Amy at Suburban Soiree says
Oh, I had hoop earring anxiety watching this too. And the glam shaming… I can’t! ????
https://www.suburbansoiree.com
Lura says
Love the recaps your such a talented writer! I love the little black dress too. Is that outfit appropriate for a June wedding?~ thanks
Sheaffer says
Hi, Lura! If you were to summer it up with fun shoes and accessories, absolutely!!! But the dress does come in lots of other colors! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Rebecca Brittain says
Your posts are the best. I enjoy the show already but the way you capture the details makes it even better!
Carol says
Your bachelor recaps crack me up. They make me laugh out loud!!!
I can’t wait to read them every week. Keep them coming please.
Stacie says
“Punch her in the trachea…” had me lol-ing. I always enjoy your posts! I like to read them and THEN watch the episode so I can recall what you’ve pointed out!!
ER says
I really look forward to your Bachelor posts. I don’t watch the show but I LOVE your recaps!
Heather Williams says
Kristal reminds me of Teirrable more so that crazy Corrinne, just how she belittles the other and making sure she has her time. The Glam-shamming was the best part of the night.
Michelle O says
You are a HOOT! My guilty pleasure is watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows, but you have them beat! Your commentary is hilarious! You had me laughing. Keep them coming! Have a great day!
Kara says
1) I rewound the part where Rizzo told Arie her age-Classic reaction!! I am with you…I like her so I am glad he gave her a rose.
2)Kendall-no thank you…weird.
3) I couldn’t wait to read what you said about Krystal-the things that come out of her mouth….I think she is straight up crazy herself….
Please never stop doing these recaps–they are awesome!!
Kate Livingston says
I love it all but the title of this post has to be my favorite!! HA! Also, as I watch the show I honestly get excited to read what you might say about the girls/dates. As soon as that hand went through the hoop earring and we all cringed, I was like, “Sheaffer is totally going to have a screenshot of that in her post!”
Thanks as always and have a great day!!
Kay D says
Your bachelor recaps are ever and always such a delight to read. I’m one of those who no longer watches the show, but my guilty pleasure continues to be reading your blog so I know what’s going on! Thank you for all the hilarity and #keepinitreal comments. Thank you for taking the time to write these recaps.
Holly says
That glam-shamming comment had me rolling!! I cant even believe she said that!!
Jeannette says
I don’t watch The Bachelor but I love your recaps. “Psychotic and whackadoodle” made me almost choke on my coffee !! ????
Jennifer says
The binoculars!! Hahaha!!
April Parrish says
Girl, you are hilarious!!! I just laugh at so many things that you point out! Well done! And I should take back the kind thoughts I shared last week about Krystal–she’s getting on my nerves now!
Have a great day!!
Jillian says
I love your recaps so much! And him putting his fingers THROUGH her hoop earrings made me feel a little nauseous when I watched that. I just knew she was going to lose an ear. Seeing that photo on the blog made my skin crawl all over again. There is no non-awkward way to remove your hand when it is tangled in an earring! And also Krystal…… bless her heart. There is just nothing to even say about her that correctly sums up her amount of crazy. Keep the great recaps coming!
Amy T says
As usual you do NOT disappoint! Love your recaps!
Nicola says
I admit, I’m watching the bachelor purely thinking about your upcoming recap ???? Love it!
Lauren Barnett says
This made me laugh out loud in my classroom! I watch the show, just anticipating your recap! However, does it seem boring this season, or is it just me? Too much talk of early bed times, cardigans, and such makes me feel like I need to go straight to bed myself!
*Him putting his fingers through Rizzo’s earring made me nauseous. Just yuck!
Lindsay says
As always, thank you for the hilarious recaps….I don’t even watch the show!
Jackie T. says
Krystal was the quintessential turd in the hot tub!
Jack's Mom says
Just thought I’d mention that Stockard Channing was 34 when she played Rizzo. I think Becca is more of a Ginnifer Goodwin (Snow White on Once Upon a Time and also from Big Love). She has the short hair and a much younger face. Stockard was old enough to be Sandy’s mother in Grease (but not Olivia Newton John’s, cause she was actually pushing 30 when she was cast–a bunch of old people playing high schoolers!).
Tia and Sienne are my current favorites. I mostly love Tia cause she’s friends with Raven, and I loved her!
MelanieL says
I’m loving your recaps, thank you so much for doing them!! I had major hoop earring anxiety when he put his fingers through them, what in the world?!?! I also cracked up when Harrison declared they were going to Tahoe, lol! It was beautiful though!
Stacy says
I love Wednesdays because of your Bachelor recaps! I share them with my teaching friends and then we debrief and giggle over lunch!! Thanks for making our Wednesays a little brighter!
Jenn says
You are a riot!! I seriously think we might be long lost sisters. If I lived closer, I would totally eat tacos with you on regular rotation! Your recaps are the best!!
Jenn says
I seriously can’t wait until Wednesday’s, your bachelor blog is so awesome. In fact I find myself laughing out loud and agreeing with every. Single. Thing. You are so funny!!
Biana says
You are HILARIOUS!!!!!!! Please don’t ever stop doing recaps!! I just love love love reading them. You are so talented and great at writing these!
Thank you for being the highlight of my day when your recaps post!
Judi says
I wanted to really laugh hard but didn’t want an asthma attack. I loved it!!
Whitney Pegram says
The entire time he was kissing Rizzo ???? I kept thinking “please don’t pull her earring out, please don’t pull her earring out!!!” These recaps are the best!!!
Carolee says
I love your recaps! You always comment on the same things I’m thinking as I watch the show!
I took you seriously about the pro-glam t-shirts!…Check it out here:
https://www.redbubble.com/people/spoonkirk/works/30051841-pro-glam-shirt?asc=u&p=womens-relaxed-fit
Marty Rafferty says
Oh my gosh I could read your Bachelor posts all day and night!! They truly make me snort laugh ????! Please please please write a book; you have the best sense of humor and way with words!
Kyla says
These recaps are the only reason I continue to watch The Bachelor. I seriously am on pins and needles waiting for them each week. THESE ARE THE BEST!!! Thank you!
KG says
As SOON as I saw the earring grab, I immediately knew it would be featured here. And I haven’t been let down. These are so funny I (and spot on for when you miss an episode of this utter nonsense!) that I usually end up crying I’m laughing so hard.
Angela Ellingson says
So funny!!! Ok clearly Krystal is trying to be the villain, right? Who for real says whatever they say will be perfect and that they are flawless?! I noticed Arie is wearing foundation that’s 8 shades too dark as well. Becca and Sienne are my faves!
Cheryl Petrovics says
First of all, I am so grossed out now when Arie is mugging down with Rizzo…he listed all of his rightly held reservations and then was all, “all riiiight!” Instant skeeze-alert. I’ve decided I am too offended to watch it any more, except that I totally will because I can’t look away.
And, B: How long is the black? I am 5’9″ and way too old for a mini-dress. On you it looks like a great length, but on the Nordstrom model it looks way too short.
Sheaffer says
Hi, Cheryl! I had to size up for the chest to fit, so I think it would be way too short on your 5’4″ frame. So sorry! xoxo, Sheaffer 🙂
Sarah says
Sheaffer your recaps are the best!! The title this week literally had me laugh out loud! I look forward to your take on the bachelor every Wednesday. For a brief moment, I forget about all life’s concerns and just get to laugh about all this. Thank you!!
Randi says
I LOVE your recaps! I was really skeeved out when Arie talked to Rizzo like he was 14 years older than her (after he found out her age), and he said something like “your hair is in my mouth.” What?? Maybe he was trying to kiss her and she had her head down? It was creepy.
Terra Heck says
HAHA I love how you catch the tiny details, like the bronzer and the binoculars. I’m so glad Annaliese is gone. Girl drove me bonkers!
I’m not a fan of Rizzo, regardless of age.
I liked Krystal in the beginning, but that girl’s gotta go! She’s cuckoo for cocoa-puffs.
Right now I’m rooting for Tia.
I know it happens every season but I can’t help but think of how each and every woman is kissing each and every woman by proxy when they lock lips with Arie.