make sure you read all the way to the bottom to see the Stella and Dot contest!)
So, here we are with the final 3 girls.
This next picture needs to be, wait, scratch that –
IT HAS TO BE your screen saver from now until the day you die.
And I can’t put my finger on it, but I suddenly find myself missing Selma more than ever.
He also says that AshLee has lots of qualities that he would like in a wife.
Yeah. Me Too Buddy.
If I had sister wives, I would DEFINITELY want at least one of them who was totally OCD and would organize my pantry and linen closets.
However, I feel it is important to note that I would prefer that sister wife
to NOT have a body like AshLee.
Yes, I think I shall take a sister wife who is not super cute,
but makes up for it in her organizational skills.
Sounds like you’re going home.
While talking about Lindsay he says,
we’ve moved on from that.
ON TO THE DATES!
LINDSAY’S DATE
They roam around awhile sharing food and petting rainbow colored chickens.
Um, no thank you.
First of all, I’d have to be drunk.
Second of all, I would need some ranch.
I’m not nearly as amazed by the monkeys as I am at Lindsay’s bravery.
It takes some serious courage to crouch over like that in a swimsuit, but she does it well.
If in the same situation, we all know that I would lay down with my back arched and my arms stretched over my head (to promote optimum skinniness) and just let the monkeys come to me.
Sean is like “Hey there AshLee. You have fear and abandonment issues right?
Well, I’ve got a fun idea!
Let’s put those to the test and see if I can lead you through this super scary cave. And let’s just keep our fingers crossed and hope that we both come out together on the other side alive and without you having a complete and total psychological breakdown.”
AshLee spews some metaphors about caves and trust.
They emerge on the other side at the private beach and make-out.
Then they go to dinner and make-out.
CATHERINE’S DATE
Time for Sean to spend a little alone time with Catherine.
Catherine is totally low maintenance and easy going,
Otherwise known as THE COMPLETE POLAR OPPOSITE OF ASHLEE.
And then she seals the deal by doing a back flip off of the boat with him.
He tells Chris that he knows who he is going to send home.
Still, Harrison has him go look at their pictures and watch videos that the final 3 left for him.
In Catherine’s video she says that Sean “gave her the wiggles”. Oogie.
In AshLee’s video, here’s a shocker, she talks in metaphors.
“Because of who you are to me, I know that I am no longer broken.”
As soon as the words come out of her mouth it looks Sean can’t decide if he
wants to wet his pants or puke.
He suddenly seems conflicted. Well, not so much conflicted as FREAKING OUT that he’s about to send poor broken AshLee home after she just gave him credit for making her whole again!
He looks out to the turbulent waters in the ocean.
I imagine AshLee would say that his feelings are crashing against his soul just like
the waves against the shore.
Now the girls walk in for the rose ceremony holding little umbrellas that
they plucked out of some fruity drinks.
Lots of trembling hands, lots of deep breathing, lots of dramatic pauses, and Lindsay even lets a naughty word slip out.
Lindsay and Catherine get the roses, and I have to admit I am a little sad.
AshLee turned on a dime and went from a sweet little abandoned puppy to a rabid dog so fast it made my head spin.
And that’s when my sadness turned to fear.
At first she stood as still as a statue for what seemed like a sweet forever.
When she finally looked at Sean, although I can’t be certain,
I’m almost positive I saw death rays shooting out of her eyes.
She doesn’t even look at the final 2 as she walks out.
Miss Smarty Pants Lindsay hypothesizes that she “is pissed”. Thank you Captain Obvious.
I’m betting that AshLee looks back at this and is less than thrilled with how she reacted.
Way to perpetuate the whole “woman scorned” stereotype Ashlee.
The End.
And everybody can hold their breath with excitement awaiting next week’s
WOMEN TELL ALL episode
Y’all.
I’m expecting fireworks.
And maybe a verbal smackdown or two.
Tierra’s eyebrow will most certainly be in rare form, and I’m imagining there will be some back-stabbing and finger pointing of epic proportion.
And fingers crossed that I’ll be reunited with Selma!
Yep, it’s gonna be good.
And I don’t have an outfit recreation this week…just plum ran out of time…but I was inspired by Ashley’s statement necklace and thought I would show you a handful that J Crew Factory has to offer right now. And, everything at The Factory is 25% off today!
Mix and Match Mama says
I can't type this comment because I'm on the floor laughing my butt off. I guarantee you…out in LA right now, my little brother is doing the same. Bravo lady. Bravo!
Christie Freeman says
I am an Oklahoman living in Belgium and read you (and Shay's blogs) every day at lunch (thank you both for blogging at 5am! :)) You had me 2 weeks ago at "some body give me a certs"…I giggled out loud! I thought my father was the only person to still buy certs. Wonderfully funny stuff…and you say what everyone is thinking! Thank you 🙂
Crystal (theweekendhomemaker.com) says
I missed Monday nights show because my husband is afraid watching it will rob him of his masculinity. So glad I can come here for the hilarious recap. Who knew the Bachelor was a comedy series?! Love it!
Cathy and Marshall says
You are the highlight of my Wednesdays! Your Bachelor commentaries are so spot-on and downright hilarious – LOVE it! Your blog is a must-read for me every other day of the week too. I always end up laughing a LOT…and wanting to buy whatever you are featuring. Well done!
Sue says
And as always, you deliver! The entire time I am reading your Bachelor post I am laughing and agreeing with everything you said. You are a funny lady! Have a good Wednesday.
Ann says
Oh my goodness – you are HILARIOUS!!!
Tara G. says
It was as if A shopped in the Jr's dept. for that dress. Mercy!
Dawn says
Sheaffer- the real question is why hasn't Sean proposed to YOU before? 😉
Tricia says
You are too funny and such a good writer! I love starting my day off by laughing out loud!
Danielle @ Clean Food Creative Fitness says
So funny! I'm sad this is all coming to an end in a couple weeks because I love your recaps so much! Hilarious 🙂
Jenni says
Love your weekly recaps…I'm so excited for next week!!!
BrittKathleen says
I love the rabid dog comment!!! Ahh hahaha!!! I'm still laughing!!
BrittKathleen says
I love the rabid dog comment!! Ahh hahaha!! Still laughing!!
Jenna {Real Simple Girl} says
You make my day!! Hilarious!!
Aubs says
girl ~ you are TOO funny!! i'm so with you on the whole eating bugs thing although i'm not sure that drunk & ranch would even be enough…so gross!! and the super long nails/potty issue ~ if only i would have recorded mine and hubby's convos the other night!! i'm totally mature right along with ya! ha! 😉
lovejoy_31 says
you literally make me laugh out loud at work every Wednesday. Love it!!!!!
Crystal Frank says
Love it again. Exactly what I was thinking. U just said it funnier. Love ur blog. Laughing out loud and I needed some laughing today. Thank u!!!!
Anonymous says
You HAVE to keep doing Bachelor/ Bachelorette recaps even after Sean is gone. You ROCK!
Jeanette says
Holy moly Sheaffer these Bachelor recaps are absolutely hysterical! I just crack up every time I read them. Love your blog, but it's making me want to shop way more than necessary! I just love you and Shay!
Lins @ Country Roots City Living says
I love reading] your recaps! I have to admit while watching the show in the back of my mind I am thinking about hey I bet this is going to go up or what you may say about different situations! It does start out my day with a good laugh! 🙂
4sweetboys1princess says
I love your recaps, I look forward to them every week 🙂
mindy@thesuburbanlife says
Your recap was amazing. My hubby has been watching (voraciously) this season with me and I find myself offering commentary to him through the whole episode. You summed it all up for me beautifully! 🙂 Those death rays shooting through Ashlee's eyes pretty much sent any male viewer's nether regions up into his stomach. Gurl has some issues. Hubby was a big fan of hers until he saw that. He's pretty sure Sean should stay far, far, far…far away. His words. (I edited out a few "fars" for the purpose of time.)
Mindy
Dee says
Sheaffer – you are the best! Thank you for always bringing a smile to my face. You really know how to brighten our days and make good use of our facial muscles! Keep up the great work – can't wait to read next weeks post and see your recap on Tierra's eyebrows!
BrittM says
Great recap once again, including the node to ranch dressing! Although I will say that I LOVED AshLee's response and I was giving Sean the same angry stink eye from my couch. I'm guessing AshLee was just PO'd that he let her go for the two teenie-boppers. This should get interesting!
Alison @ Get Your Pretty On says
Ahh, these photos make me want to go to Thailand and frolick around in a bikini. Nah, they just make me want to go to Thailand.
Hilarious recap, as always! I love these and will miss them immensely when the show is over.
About me says
Omgee Sheaffer you are hilarious! Are you going to do DWTS recap too?
My girlfriend gave up up social media for lent and I am " having" to read it to her and can barely get through cuz I laugh so hard!
You have definitely been blessed with a sense of humor!!! Love it!!!
Melanie says
Oh my gosh, your recap is so freaking hilarious! Oh, and I'd need Ranch. That is SO me. You are so funny, girl!
mel @ the larson lingo says
Your comment about the bugs….
"First of all, I'd have to be drunk.
Second of all, I would need some ranch."
YES. This is why we are friends. Amen.
Aaron and Shannon says
Oh my goodness! I was reading this at work and was lauging out loud! So funny and so true! Can't wait to see what you say about The Women Tell All!!
JulyChild says
Lindsay said "she's pissed" in response to Catherie's comment that "she didn't even say goodbye to us" I took that to be an explanation in Ashlee's defense.
Anonymous says
I took Lindsay's comment "she's pissed" as an explanation in Ashlee's defense, when Catherine said "she didn't even say goodbye to us" I do not think she is stupid at all.
Anonymous says
Love your recaps!
However, I loved Ashlee's exit. You can tell it was real for her. She just got dumped, felt betrayed and rejected. No need to be sweet and make him feel better.
Anonymous says
YOU slay me! Between the monkeys and the rabid dogs I was hysterical. You truly have a gift for this type of thing! Thank you so much for your awesome recaps!
-Jenny
Anonymous says
I only hope that if Sean doesn't pick Lindsay, which I hope he doesn't, that she doesn't become the next bachelorette. I don't think that in this entire season that a smart word came out of her mouth. I can't even understand what she is still doing there. She's way too young and immature for Sean.
Stace says
Hysterical!!! Literally laughed out loud (at work no less!)
Stace says
Completely hysterical!! Literally laughed out loud (at work – probably not the coolest thing ever!).
Ashley @ Places To Go, Things To Buy says
LOL hilarious recap!! Ashlee really started to annoy me as this season went on. She was like REALLLYYYYYYY in love with Sean…feel bad for her but I thought she might have been too intense! I hope she's not the next bachelorette! We need some fresh meat…no more re-used bachelor & bachelorettes!
MLP says
You.are.BRILLIANT!!!!!!
Adrianna says
That was the best review of an episode ever!
Adrianna says
That recap was hilarious!
Meredith Broussard says
You crack me up! This is the best blog post I've read all day. I can only imagine how much fun it would be to watch these episodes with you in person! haha
Dori in Texas says
Loved this!
Melissa Nichols says
Totally agree about Lindsay's squat…she's definitely comfortable in her own skin! How about last week's soft porn at the end of the show with Sean showering??? I felt SO dirty after watching that lol.
Twenty Six Minutes for Lunch says
Hilarious, as usual! Thanks for the laughs! I am already sad that the Bachelor is ending soon. Watching it and reading all the hilarious blogs helps this teacher get through the beginning of the week blues! 🙂
Twenty-Six Minutes for Lunch
wheredobabiescomefrom says
Funniest recap ever – thanks! This is my favorite Bachelor season yet – my husband will actually watch it with me (and provide comic relief) because Lindsay's Dad is his former boss. (Totally weird, I know.) I've had my guess about who Sean picks … and who will be the next Bachelorette!
So glad I stumbled over from Big Mama!
{Hi Sugarplum!} says
I am so bummed the season is almost over….your recaps are the highlight of my week!! So freaking funny! And yes, Sean looked like he was about to puke the entire looooooooooooongest pause ever before giving out that last rose. And if Catherine doesn't cut that hair, or at least pull it back, I might find her in her sleep and do it for her!
We Choose Joy says
Definitely my favorite Bachelor season ever!! I've been falling in love with Catherine since her one on one date on the glacier. I'm all about her easy going, sweet nature and those cute, round cheeks. I definitely think we would be BFF's in real life 😉 Love seeing how relaxed and happy Sean is with her too. There were definitely some great girls this season and have enjoyed watching Sean on his journey. He's certainly made Texas proud! LOVE, love your posts and will miss them. I always make sure I read your last one before watching the next episode on my DVR. Feel in love with your blog from the outfits too and the first time you said LOFT. My closet is probably 70% Loft! Looking forward to next weeks post lol
Team Seghs says
I think you are brilliant! Truly brilliant. And if Tierra thinks she has sparkle….well, she and her eyebrow haven't seen what real sparkle is all about ; )
You, my friend, share your sparkle with all of us and we all love it!
Brandi says
Sheaffer!! I just read this and had the biggest laugh I've had in a long time! I haven't watched this show in ages. Your hilarious!!!
Paula says
I have read all your reviewings. This is my first comment. Literally, I choked with laughter, re-reading this to my husband. You are a hoot!!!! I want you to be my side sick friend. I'd say you and Shay have had many laughs throughout the years.
Lisa Jones says
Hilarious post! Loved it!
Jill says
and this is exactly why I read your blog…literally, every word you wrote is what everyone is thinking. LOVE It!
Whitney B. says
So funny, can't wait to read what you have to say about the women's tell all!